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NEWSLETTER: "BECAUSE YOU COULDN'T AFFORD A GLASTONBURY TICKET"

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This Week:
* ANIM - Sex-Wogan
* CAMERA - In the post
* FOX - vs Jon Stewart

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |    "We're sniffing the    
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |    web bicycle seat for 
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|   sweat lols... together"

B3ta word.doc 484 - 24 Jun 2011

Click this issue with your light pen:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue484/

       Disco:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
       Sucks:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
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: SPONSORED LINK
  Are you the next Banksy? C4 wants to know.

  Street artists, writers and vandals join the
  Street Summer design competition here! Enter
  your work to win and represent UK Art!
http://bit.ly/mIcWZ8     


  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Other than 

  >> Pornographic Images of Terry Wogan <<
  "I just have nothing better to do with my time,"
  confesses a shamed Butters, over this jaunty
  animation of the ageing National Treasure's
  indefatigable sexual appetites. Bonus fact:
  Terry Wogan's autobiography is called 'Wogan on
  Wogan'.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Pornographic_Images_of_Terry_Wogan


  >> Bond re-edit (View to a Kill) <<
  "Here's a new edit of View to a Kill," brags
  idiofy. "I also have a Goldfinger and Casino
  Royale one too if you're interested." A vast
  improvement on the original.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/My_new_Bond_re_edit_View_to_a_Kill


  >> Make your own old-school C64 logos <<
  In the comfort and convenience of your browser,
  you can create your own 80s-style computer game
  text. Thanks, codepo8!
http://isithackday.com/logo-o-matic/


  >> Bono's cock <<
  Keen newswatchers may already be aware that
  Bono's cock has been running wild and annoying
  the neighbours. TommyReckless has made it into a
  little tune. BTW We are quite excited to see
  what will happen with the big protest against U2
  at Glasto.
http://t.co/OtWMGlz


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Horrible Things You've Done to a Loved One
 
  Well, farting on their heads mostly:
http://b3ta.com/questions/horriblethings/

  * BLING - It wasn't premeditated, but once,
  rifling through the top-drawer of junk, looking
  for some money or something, I came across a
  box. Without thinking (that's me!) I took it
  out, turned to my girlfriend and went down on
  one knee. "Sarah?" "Yes??" *glee hands* *opens
  box* "Have you seen my cuff links? They're ace
  aren't they?" There was much tears and
  flouncing. They were ace cuff links though."
  (Zak McFlimby)
	 
  * BANG - "WWII: My dad and his younger sister
  are playing in front of the house. A shell
  explodes VERY near. Luckily the ground wasn't
  even, and the shell fell into a dip. So the
  shrapnel flew around them, sparing their lives,
  but the house was fully hit. Imagine the scene:
  a huge boom, plaster falling off the wall,
  smashed glass, dust flying around. My grandma
  was in the house, called her sons and started
  running to go outside and see if they were ok.
  My father to his little sister: "Let's lay down
  and play dead." Hilarity ensues." (frox)
	 
  * BRRR - "She's always cold, especially in the
  middle of winter. On long car journeys she
  usually falls asleep after 10 minutes or so. I
  put the air con to the coldest setting and wait
  for the cold to start waking her up. I then put
  the heating on full blast. When she finally
  comes to, she can't work out why she's so cold
  yet the heater is on full. I've been doing this
  for years..." (Yellow Car)


  >> This Week's Question : Sex <<
  We'd like your stories of disastrous bedroom
  antics. The ones that don't involve your mum
  leaving you a cup of tea whilst you were
  wanking. Talk to us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/bedroomdisasters/


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Camera in the post <<
  Neat art project - stick a disposable camera in
  the post and ask people to photograph the
  journey. You should do the same, but send your
  camera to Nigeria, you know, give it a bit of a
  journey.
http://goo.gl/tdZ9A


  >> Music project stung for $32k <<
  Andy Baio organised an album project where
  chiptune artists covered Miles Davies's Kind of
  Blue. For the cover he comissioned a pixel
  artist to do an 8bit take on the original
  photographic cover. He's now been stung for
  $32,000 - most of his savings - by the
  delightful lawyers representing photographer Jay
  Maisel. As Gizmodo write, it's "Kind of A Dick
  Move&#8206;".
http://bit.ly/mNHtzY


  >> Famous TV Vampire Angel does stuff <<
  You probably don't give a shit - but we watched
  5 seasons of that show and this is funny. Gay,
  but funny.
http://angeldoesstuff.tumblr.com/


  >> Animals being dicks <<
  This has been everywhere for the last two weeks,
  we're giving in and linking it to shut you up.
  It's in, ok? 
http://www.animalsbeingdicks.com


  >> Texty, ascii boxy bollocks <<
  Throw away your desktop apps; browser-based
  Photoshop is here! 
http://www.asciiflow.com


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Like cinema but without the velvet curtains

  >> John Stewart vs Fox 'News'  <<
  John Stewart and Fox News argue about who is the
  propagandist. As we've been listening to about
  2gb of Noam Chomsky downloads all week, we'd
  argue both of them.
http://goo.gl/EOsr8

  
  >> Gentle parody of Adam Curtis <<
  Curtis's recent TV series received much criticism
  from the nerds who pointed out that Curtis
  stitches together disconnected narratives and 
  kind-of hopes for the best. Our tip is to read his
  blog, where he generally tells one story per
  blog post and stays more coherent. 
 http://www.b3ta.com/links/The_Loving_Trap


  >> Paranoid Android done by lots and lots of people <<
  One of those semi-adverts for YouTube /
  internets where people make music without
  meeting each other. Great stuff, but meeting
  people is GOOD TOO you know. (Not really; we've
  replaced all our friends with Twitter.)
http://goo.gl/rEBgl


  >> Leonard Solomon and his home-made music machine <<
  The shed is the one place in life where a human
  being can be truly free to pursue his wants and
  dreams. Let's salute the shed.
http://goo.gl/XPGwq


  >> Sid Vicious on X Factor <<
  Sid was so-named after being bitten by his
  friend John Lydon's hamster. He said, "Sid is
  really vicious." The name stuck.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Sid_Vicious


  >> Receipt racer <<
  When Peak Oil truly hits and we're living in
  rotten shanty towns where nothing works, we'll
  remember videos like this and go "lol".
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Receipt_racer


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: FUNNY NAME CORNER 
  Funny meaning shit and useless of course

  * MEH - You need some new flooring. But not
  too fancy; you want it a bit meh...  
http://t.co/PR9Hg6D 


  * ANGEL DELIGHT - The photo on Angel Delight's
  Wikipedia page. Probably NSFW due to er...
  well... it looking a bit like a fanny.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Angel_Delight.jpg


  * ARE YOU A DRAPIST? - We are, but we haven't 
    been caught yet.
http://www.halfpricedrapes.com/


  * PHALLIC LOGOS - yet another, this one from a
  cash and carry.
http://www.horecatotaal.be/


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the b3tadvertisng Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to imagine that b3ta was
  an advertising agency.

  Your favourites included:
 
  * NOKIA - mobile phone giant in Human
  Centipede-style connection farrago (dirtyscarab)
http://b3ta.com/board/10451686

  * NIKE - in which the good Professor Hawking
  abandons his chair for a more active existence
  (Mr Chicken)
http://b3ta.com/board/10453541

  * ADIDAS - German sports conglomerate introduces
  unfortunate maritime disaster campaign
  (printmeister)
http://b3ta.com/board/10453323

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/b3tadvertising/


  >> New challenge: The Secret Life of Kitchens <<
  This week's challenge is simply to picture what
  the stuff in your kitchen gets up to when when
  you're not looking. Bon Appétit
http://b3ta.com/challenge/kitchens/


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * POOR OLD DARKLORD - many /linkers paid tribute
  to Kenny Hawkes' passing and produced a playlist
  of his favourite tunes - over 100 of them -
  thanks dreddpiratebob for putting this together.
http://goo.gl/sa6QU

  Also interesting is a series of Q&As with Kenny
  about synths. Who knew he was so knowledgeable?
http://goo.gl/BQwge


  * KEVIN ELDON GIG - "I don't know what your
  policy is regarding plugging charity gigs on the
  newsletter," inquires RTJ, "but I'm doing a big
  spoken word thing that I think B3tans would
  enjoy. 'Utter!' heartbreak!"

  So, on Friday 1st July, why not go see the
  hilarious Kevin Eldon, plus Tim Wells' choons,
  Robert Auton, Zena Edwards and Richard Tyrone
  Jones? It's £13 on the door, but it all goes to
  the British Heart Foundation (50%) and
  Cardiomyopathy Association (50%). Drayton Court
  is just on the corner as you turn left out of
  West Ealing station. Plus, if you book now you
  can save £2.50 on your charity donation.
http://www.wegottickets.com/event/120680


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: FRIDAY GAME
  Some kind of puzzle game

  Loads of boarders appeared to enjoy this and
  voted it highly but we couldn't get the hang of
  it. Maybe we're just shit:
http://goo.gl/gI0ce 


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * GOOGLE TIME - @jingies asks, "I've a request
  for 'would like to see' in newsletter: some way
  to draw a radius in Google maps based on travel
  time not distance."


  * ALL TEACHERS SACKED, REPLACED WITH E-LEARNING
  SOFTWARE AND SECURITY GUARDS TO KEEP ORDER -
  actually this isn't something we want to see,
  but a fear of what might happen.
 
  * BUILD A ROCKET AND FIRE IT TO THE MOON - why
  not? Sounds like a fun thing to do. Nobody else
  is really doing it now.

  Send your sticky leaks via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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  Tits:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
  Arseholes:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

-------------------------------------------------

  THANKS, ANKLES. THANKLES:
  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by @davebirss,
  @wickyewok, Cheryl Hanlon, Le Petit Dodo,
  @davidnield, @benjymous, Rushy, Tael, tofer,
  sinisterduck, custard, @scatatkins, mrandrist,
  Herb Alperts Taxi Driver,  social hand grenade,
  bumface. Additional linkage and image challenge
  by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  Tip via costas. Subjlols via Coin Operated Boy.

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  TOP TIP:
  Anvils, pianos and bin-bags filled with dogshit
  make ideal 'raindrops' for Richard Littlejohn.

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