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NEWSLETTER: "PUTTING HA-LOL-CIGENS IN YOUR NESCAFE"

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This Week:
* OSCARS - 'Winners' in advance
* FEAR - The Great American Bubble
* LASERS - Laser kitten bowling

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |   "We're stockpiling     
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |   food and medical 
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|  supplies... together"

B3ta email 468DX - 25 Feb 2011

Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue468/

       Subscribe:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
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: SPONSORED LINK
  Bummer King mug 

  Typing "bummer" into Amazon out of adject bordem
  produces a trademark infringing Bummer King mug.
  An ideal gift for the tea-drinking bummers in
  your life.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B004JV7NRO/b3ta-21


  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Viral fails, Oscars and Protests

  >> How not to do viral marketing <<
  Viral marketer comes a bit of a cropper trying
  to spam up the b3ta messageboard. Satisfying
  drama ensues. FYI: the correct way to do this
  involves writing us a cheque.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/595011


  >> Oscars 2011 Highlights In Advance! <<
  "Heya guys," chorus Cope&Dalton. "We made this
  over the weekend. What do you reckon?" We
  predict that this is considerably more
  entertaining than the real event will be.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Oscars_2011_Highlights_In_Advance


  >> Face Protest <<
  "Here's a new kind of protest site that lets you
  put your face on it," jubilates ithinkanddo.
  Choose your cause, upload a pic and get your
  friends to join a foot-stamping online mob. You
  don't even need to leave the house, so the only
  kettling you'll see is when your missus makes
  you a cuppa.
http://www.faceprotest.com/protest_56_97


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Wanking Disasters - Part II

  More comedy gold from our favourite one-handed
  typists:
http://b3ta.com/questions/bashthebishop/

  * AFTERGLOW - "I travelled around Morocco with a
  group of friends, including my mega crush, Mr
  Hot. After a few action-less weeks of dorm
  sharing, we ended up in the deepest, darkest
  depths of the desert and yours truly found
  herself in the happy position of having to share
  a twin room with Mr Hot. When it came to
  sleepy-time, we chatted a little, the chat
  petered out and I assumed Mr Hot must have
  drifted off to sleep. Bored, sleepless and horny
  (not to mention disappointed at the absence of
  steamy sex), I decided to pass the time with a
  little lady wank. I was slightly bashful about
  doing this with Mr Hot in the room so I made a
  concealing sheet-tent with my leg, so no
  movement could be detected and silently began.
  I'll admit, it was surprisingly difficult to get
  into it with an unsuspecting, sleeping Mr Hot so
  close by and after only a short while I gave up,
  only to be met with a chuckle from his side of
  the room. I froze, "What's funny?" "You know,
  itís actually quite light in here." I'd been
  fwapping with my eyes closed, so tentatively
  opened them and sure enough I could see the
  outline of the wardrobe and beds. Gulp. Now, due
  to my cunning tent, I was still pretty sure he
  couldnít possibly have seen anything but I had
  to know. I put my leg back up, re-erected the
  tent and slowly, silently slid my hand south.
  Looked down and... oh god. I was wearing a glow
  in the dark watch that was shining like a
  bastard searchlight through the sheet." (zOMG)
	 
  * COCK UP - "The first time that an ex of mine
  and I got comfortable enough to watch each other
  pleasing ourselves, he managed to shoot his
  stuff right up my nose. It stung rather
  strangely, I sort of hiccuped and it went down
  the back of my nose and into my throat... I
  threw up. Definitely a disaster."
  (insomniac-surfer)
	 
  * COME-DOWN - "Passed out naked in front of the
  computer, trousers round ankles, bottle of vodka
  still on the desk, gentleman's interest video
  still running on loop. Woke up in different
  clothes to the ones I'd been wearing beforehand,
  my dad watching over me to make sure I didn't
  choke on my vomit in my sleep. Apparently I'd
  been quite... explosive. We don't talk about it.
  Ever." (a gun that fires other, smaller guns)


  >> This Week's Question <<
  Parents. Drunk. We know you've tried to wipe the
  memories and failed. Share them with us instead
  - you'll feel so much better:
http://b3ta.com/questions/drunkparents/


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> The Great American Bubble <<
  We've been pondering how sites like Groupon and
  the makers of Farmville can get multi-billion
  dollar valuations and reached the obvious
  conclusion: bubble. Businesses being overhyped
  to suck cash from idiots before they crash and
  burn. A quick google round revealed one of the
  most extraordinary bits of journalism we've ever
  read. Be very afraid, looks like we're up shit
  creek.
http://goo.gl/RlWvw


  >> Eerie photos <<
  Creepy tourist spots created from 100s of
  layered tourist photos. 
http://bit.ly/gvg7CC 


  >> Plastic Trombones <<
  Our whim purchase of the week - a plastic
  trombone. It's incredibly light and would be an
  ideal learning instrument for kids, as carrying
  it to school wouldn't break your back. And roll
  on new crazy, plastic instrument designs -
  personally we want a cello with guitar tuning
  and frets.
http://www.pbone.co.uk/ 


  >> David Cameron pretending to be common <<
  Although we find him these days oddly robotic,
  like someone who's been given a script five
  minutes before the job. "Tell them you're sorry
  Dave." "Sell these missiles Dave" "Cut up the
  NHS and divert all the cash to private contracts
  Dave"
http://davidcameronpretendingtobecommon.tumblr.com/


  >> Remember cyber sex? <<
  Do people still bother with this stuff now you
  can stalk people on social media and have a
  better idea of the looks/gender of your prey?
  But some funny examples regardless.
http://people.ambrosiasw.com/~andrew/funny/bloodcyber.html


  >> Bank vs customer. Customer wins. <<
  A heartwarming tale of how a bank customer
  managed to get his local branch and its assets
  siezed and put up for auction because they
  couldn't be bothered to fix an error & ignored
  all his letters. Warning: contains goths.
http://goo.gl/VRKPZ


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Like TV but no comfy chair

  * LASER KITTEN BOWLING - we once bought a laser
  pen for a presentation and found (like everyone
  else) the best fun is to make the cat run around
  the house until they throw up. Also works on
  small children.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Lazer_kitty_bowling

  * E.T. SEQUEL - a surprisingly well-done fake
  trailer. BTW: ET was based on Steven Speilburg's
  imaginary friend, an alien he invented after his
  parents divorce.
 http://www.b3ta.com/links/ET_Sequel_ET_X

  * THE SAGA OF BIORN - elderly Viking just wants
  to find a glorious death in battle so he can go
  to Valhalla. Is that too much to ask?
http://www.b3ta.com/links/The_saga_of_Biorn

  * BEATLES 'SMACK MY BITCH UP' (1965) - This
  track is clearly more Lennon than McCartney.
http://goo.gl/nF1lP

  * DARTH VADER PLAYS THE BULLSEYE THEME - the
  dark lord of the Sith deploys another string to
  his sinister bow.
http://goo.gl/5qPHz

  * THE HIV SONG - Oh no, Mark's got AIDS!
  Eastenders spin on the Ween classic.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/The_HIV_Song


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: FUNNY NAME CORNER 
  Best nominative determinism ever

  Introducing E-Learning bloke Graham McElearney.
  Bet you he uses a Mac:
http://www.educause.edu/Community/MemDir/Profiles/GrahamMcElearney/58244


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Film Aftermath Challenge

  Last week we asked what happened to the
  inhabitants of films after the credits rolled.
  Your favourites included:
 
  * VACATION - in which Han, Chewie, Luke, Leia
  and Yoda take a well-earned break (Zak McFlimby)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10339721

  * CAPTCHA - filling in forms can be tough when
  you're a replicant (monkeon)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10342997

  * KANSAS - almost inevitably, life was never the
  same for Dorothy after her amazing adventure
  (Captain Howdy)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10338732

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/aftermath/


  >> New challenge: Kitten Science <<
  This week's challenge marks a welcome return for
  Teh Fluffeh. It's Kittens doing science.
  Challenge suggested by joe is troubled
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/kittenscience/

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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * DELAYED EMAILS - Taylorcamb writes, "Delayed
  Gmail sending and bouncing emails back in to
  your mailbox to deal with later can be done with
  the boomerang plugin for Firefox or Chrome."
http://boomeranggmail.com/download.html

  * MUZZLE MAN - the creator of last week's
  extraordinarily odd horse-fearing vid,
  kingafkong writes, "Being followed by a horse
  lately, I thought a trip to the stable would be
  a safe place. But this day would show to be no
  different from the rest of our
  horse-meeting-days." This is a competition entry
  and kingaf stands to win some coveted Norwegian
  frozen pizza, so get appreciating!
http://www.b3ta.com/links/The_muzzle_man_Metaphysics


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * CRAP NEWS STORIES BEFORE THEY HAPPEN - every
  so often we google a journalist and find them
  posting away on random boards trolling for
  stories, "Hi, I'm looking for people who've had
  bad experience of marijuana" etc. This could be
  turned into a tech project - take all the journo
  names from Journalisted and auto search them in
  the web's forums.

  * TAX HAVENS FOR THE POOR - make a magic
  shuffle-your-money-about-through-tax-havens
  banking website (automatically registering you
  as a foreign business etc) that'll give
  individuals the same 1% tax breaks big
  businesses get.

  * PLAN TO TAKE OUT THE DAILY MAIL - we were
  pondering about the problem of complaining about
  it only making it more famous, increasing its
  revenues and came up with: 
  1. Start a not-for-profit and collect money
  2. Crowd source spotting legal issues,
  copyright, libel that they publish
  3. use cash to chase DM into a legal quagmire
  and eventual bankruptcy. Just a thought. 

  * AND FINALLY Chthonic suggests, "Having just
  seen one, fat-man-in-a-mini-van.tumblr.com would
  be an ace ronseal site."

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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  THANKS:
  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by MartinH, HappyToast,
  igotdamaged, PokeHQ, sinisterduck, shooms,
  planearm, m4tt_thomasgiagia, @rob_sheridan,
  Godwin's Lawyer & tacpprm. Additional linkage
  and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike
  Trinder is QOTW bloke. Subjline via 
  @alexjblandford.
  
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  TOP TIP:
  Make ants think they're in New Zealand by
  putting them on top of a big stereo speaker and
  turning the bass up to 11. (A Vagabond)

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