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NEWSLETTER: "QUITTING THE ONE SHOW TO BE A FULL TIME SEX PEST"

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"Texting your friend about a bereavement, and your name's Lol"
This Week:
* HARRY POTTER - cassetteboy-style
* GOOD DOG - does tricks
* HOW TO - "Big Motherfucking Lens"

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |       "We're saving soles  
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |        for... the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|          Footware Christ"

B3ta email 455 - 19 Nov 2010

Tweet this newsletter and get a criminal record:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue455/

Winners club:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
    Sadsacks:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

-------------------------------------------------

: SPONSORED LINK
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http://bit.ly/cF7pYF


  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then you're a spacist.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #1
  Harry Potter, Chap Hop and Flashmobs

  >> Harry Potter and the X-Rated Trailer <<
  "Not sure how long this one will last," frets
  cassetteboy, over this extremely smutty clip.
  Every double-entendre from the Harry Potter
  films, in one place for your entertainment
  pleasure. Get in there before the lawyers do.
http://b3ta.com/links/Harry_Potter_and_the_X_Rated_Trailer


  >> Fighting Trousers - Professor Elemental <<
  We greatly enjoyed the last vid from Mssrs
  Moog and Elemental, Little Cup of Brown Joy.
  "This one is a dis rap to that blaggard Master
  B The Gentleman Rhymer, who has apparently
  been 'biting'' the good professor's style,"
  explains Moog. "The Biggie & Tupac beef will
  look like Pinky & Perky by the time it's over."
http://b3ta.com/links/Fighting_Trousers_Professor_Elemental


  >> What is a flashmob? <<
  B3tan Housewife has some news footage that
  explains everything:
http://b3ta.com/links/Forget_flash_mobbing_theres_a_new_craze


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Anarchy! Protesting!

  Last week we were high from watching the TV
  footage of the students fucking up Tory
  central and we asked what you had protested
  about.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/protest/

  Our favourite answers included:

  * KIDS CUSTARD PROTEST - "My ex once promised
  our four kids, then aged about 4-10, cake and
  custard after tea. He shamefully reneged. The
  footy was on, or something, and he slunk off
  to watch TV. The kids complained to me. I
  quickly made them four little protest signs,
  out of cardboard rectangles taped to rulers,
  which said 'Cake and custard NOW!' and 'Cake!
  Custard!' and so on. They paraded them in
  front of their father, chanting 'We want cake
  and custard! We want cake and custard!' and
  totally disrupting his telly viewing. Sighing
  like a true martyr, he dragged himself off
  into the kitchen to whip up the promised
  dessert. Pester power, eh!" (Juan Quar)

  * FATHER TED / DOWN WITH THIS SORT OF THING -
  Emvee writes, "I never thought I'd achieve
  this level of web-based fame thanks to a very
  hastily knocked-together placard ...but more
  people emailed me about this than pretty much
  anything else I've done."
http://www.failblog.org/2009/10/15/protest-fail-3/

  * "BOYCOTT SHAMPOO! Demand REAL poo." 
 (Galactic Yeti)

  And if this has whetted your appetite for
  more, feast on dear reader, on our wordy
  banquet:
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/protest/

  >> This week: Unusual talents <<
  You know the kind of stuff - bending your
  fingers into weird positions that makes people
  go 'ewww!'.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/talent/


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> How to Make a 900mm lens <<
  Buzzfeed gives you the knowledge of how to
  make a "big motherfucking lens".
http://goo.gl/S4pBS


  >> Oddest tattoo ever? <<
  Pazuzu writes, "I was just looking for a good
  scaffolding picture on flickr and found...
  this." What thought process leads you to
  tattooing a bear trapped in scaffolding onto
  your body? We asked on Twitter and current
  theory is that it's something to do with
  Chinese medicine and delicious "bear bile."
http://goo.gl/qPdmW


  >> Doggies & Dildos <<
  Dogs demonstrate their failure to understand
  phallic symbolism. Aww bless 'im, who's hungry
  for cock? Is it you? Yes it is!
http://www.buzzfeed.com/mjs538/dildos-and-doggies


  >> Bad logo competition <<
  Don't just enjoy the internet's many, many
  examples of terrible corporate design - join
  this competition and make your own. There's
  also a gallery of the entries so far,
  involving rainbows, dolphins, faeces and the
  word "synergistic".
http://howlowcanyourlogo.com/


  >> "Where do my poos go?" <<
  Wonder no more, for the answer is available
  via this site. All you have to do is put in
  your location, your email and the time you
  flushed - then the world can observe your
  toilet habits on Google Maps.
http://www.flushtracker.com


  >> How long can you last on the chicken raft? <<
  We lasted about 6 seconds and got nostalgic
  for a simpler time when sites like these were
  an exciting glimpse of the future.
http://www.chickenonaraft.com/


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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
  Sleeping Floof
  
  These kittens look lovely and cosy, snoozing
  in their basket. But wait, how many kitties
  are there?
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Sleeping_Floof


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: B3TA PEOPLE #2
  Cheryl Cole, Road Trips and Slow-mo

  >> Super Massive Raver vs Cheryl Cole (as an orange) <<
  We don't understand Super Massive Raver, but
  he frightens us, so here he is taking a long,
  rave-sized swing at the X-Factor, and pining
  for a real proper pop star.
http://goo.gl/ywmw3


  >> Lincolnshire roadtrip <<
  "Sunday, was bored, drove around LINCOLNSHIRE
  - the most exciting of places - filmed it,
  made this. Think of it as a tourist
  information thing," explains timoncheese.
  Strangely enjoyable, the edited highlights of
  someone's boredom.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Lincolnshire_Roadtrip


  >> Slow-motion glide through Bath Spa station <<
  Straylight stuck a high fps video camera out
  the window of a train, as it raced through
  Bath Spa station. The result is a smooth pan
  through barely-moving people, noticing details
  that'd normally pass you by.
http://goo.gl/AcTpR


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Otherwise known as "vids"

  >> That Royal wedding interview <<
  Prince William and Kate Middleton speak
  surprisingly candidly about their sexual
  adventures in Kenya.
http://goo.gl/Iai5E


  >> Good dog! <<
  This doggie knows an impressive number of
  amazing tricks.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Good_dog


  >> Every Arnold scream ever <<
  The crystallized fruits of a twenty-year film
  career, here's just under eight minutes of
  strangulated vocalisation from the Austrian
  Oak himself.
http://goo.gl/vVtmU


  >> World's biggest Harry Potter fan <<
  Fake or real, there's is an impressive display
  of Rowling-enriching merchandise, as this
  bespectacled young lad proclaims that he's the
  world's best Potter fan. And he's single.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I0VlIjXj9NA


  >> "Sky Sports" slo-mo <<
  Is it better to be the fist or the anus?
  Wince-inducing slow motion puts you right
  where the action is (SFW).
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Sky_Sports


  >> Creepy thing of the day  <<
  Beauty ad that comes across like a sequence
  from 1980s Doctor Who. With the music, it's
  both terrifying and slightly sad.
http://tinyurl.com/3xdrtqr


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: IT LOOKS LIKE A COCK
  Previous known as "funny name corner"

  * Grips for your bike - Proof, if any were
  needed, that BMX riders are wankers.
http://goo.gl/nUUWG


-------------------------------------------------

: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Modern Monarchy Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to modernise the
  Queen. Your favourites included:

 * INFLATABLE - Brenda finally provides value
 for money with a saucy makeover (LS18)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10247895

 * RIOT - a spiffing time had playing British
 bulldog down Millbank way (Frogcloset)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10248437

 * CORGI - run, Lizzie, run! Our head of state
 finally hits the skids (elvisweathercock)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10250316

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/modernqueen/


  >> New challenge: Inappropriate Memorabilia <<
  It's not just the royal wedding: there are
  lots of historical events whose memory would
  be best preserved with a whole range of tacky,
  bad taste souvenirs. Your job is to design
  them.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/merch/


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * AWARDS FOR SEXY POLITICIANS - tom scott
  writes, "I've declared the winners of Sexual
  Congress, the "vote for the most attractive
  politician" thing from newsletter 432. Also, I
  sent them trophies. I hope Homeland Security
  won't mind."
http://www.tomscott.com/congress/


  * JESSIE MEMORIAL GIG - Professor Kenny Martin
  writes, "I'm organising a charity gig in
  memory of Jessie. Could I be cheeky and ask
  for a mention in the newsletter please? I'm
  splitting the profit we make between charities
  Nina supported, including the Cat Survival
  Trust in Welwyn; home of Nina the snow
  leopard, who's been featured on here a few
  times (mostly by Jahled). Could you pass on my
  thanks in the newsletter too, please? For all
  the well wishes, tributes & messages - they've
  really helped."
http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=116610808402668


  * B3TA /TALK SONG - our messageboard has
  factions, here's one lot giving another bunch
  a kicking. Amusing. Mu-hahaha THEY ARE LIKE
  ANTS IN A JAR, FIGHTING FOR OUR PLEASURE.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Gilbert_and_Sullivan_do_talk


  * RIP POOR DEAD KITTENS - smoothpete sobs, "I
  thought you might want to know that the
  Fainting Kittens you linked to have both died.
  Perhaps you might want to give them a little
  RIP mention in the newsletter." Rest in peace,
  little kittens. Not dead, only fainting.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9CC_9aFuEkA


  * USER ID TATTOO - Wildheart Baby has just
  shown us his latest tattoo on twitter. He took
  his user_id number from the messageboard and
  permanently inked it onto his knuckles. He
  writes, "It's my reminder that you can do
  strange things if your mental health is a bit
  off."
http://upthear.se/1i4


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: FRIDAY GAME
  Apostrophe test

  OCD Grammar freaks! Make your less literate
  friends feel like shit by scoring highly in
  this quiz.
http://goo.gl/l3DLo


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: "STAR" IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * A TOILET THAT COUNTS OUR SHITS - we're
  pretty sure we do rather a lot of them but
  never remember to keep a tally. Our wife
  cleans the marks off the bathroom wall.

  * A CURE FOR APATHY AND PROCRASTINATION - so
  we could actually write this bit of the
  newsletter effectively.

  * CAT COLLAR BOTTLE OPENER - Clunky writes, "I
  keep losing my bottle opener. My Dentist says
  my days of opening bottles of beer with my
  teeth are over. I can usually find my cat
  (called Boink). I need a teeny, tiny bottle
  opener that I can attach to my cat's collar. I
  am wondering if any B3tans may have any ideas
  where I can get one from. I want something
  that will not have a negative impact on my
  cat's life/fun ratio and will be usable."

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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  Sexyfuntime:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
  Lonelytime:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

-------------------------------------------------

 THANKS:

  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
  David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Theophile
  Escargot, TheoEsc, Cliff Richard's porn stash,
  cockneydevil, Ben Goldacre, [sic], mrGodFrey,
  sandcrack, Revilo, Death Wish Of A Deaf Fish,
  p_nut268, @PucatuB, mongychops,
  lendmeyoureyes, @tobiefysh Additional linkage
  and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike
  Trinder is QOTW bloke. He's like a superhero
  that when somebody needs saving he turns up
  with 50 web people, who then lie about their
  childhood. Subjlols via HappyToast.

-------------------------------------------------

  TOP TIP:
  Tony Redfearn writes, "Guys, impress and get
  the woman of your dreams in to bed by simply
  telling her you have a 12-inch penis. By the
  time she finds out the truth it will be too
  late."

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