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NEWSLETTER: "THE IPHONE - BEING HELD INCORRECTLY SINCE 1928"

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This Week:
* VIDEO - David Cameron sings
* CSS TIPS - How to make 80s album covers
* KITTENS - Fainting kittens remix

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |       "We're wearing
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |       'Coal Not Dole'
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       badges... together"

B3ta email 452 - 29 Oct 2010

Tattoo this issue on your eyelids:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue452/

Something good:   b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
Something bad:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

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: SIGN UP NOW FOR AN ABSOLUT LIMITED EDITION
  EXPERIENCE OF A LIFETIME (Sponsored linky)

  ABSOLUT will host one night experiences in
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  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Do you like giving poor people your money?
  Forget the Big Issue - buy our advertising.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Cameron, CSS, Children's TV and zombies

  >> David Cameron sings <<
  "This took me arse ages to edit together,"
  groans superdonal. "My inspiration was David
  Cameron's ridiculous use of pop song
  catchphrases to get us all to 'come together'
  and make the 'big society'." We find David
  Cameron innately funny, like some sort of
  beady-eyed bird that's learned to talk.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/David_Cameron_Sings_The_Blues


  >> 80s album covers in CSS <<
  "I made some 80s album art in HTML and CSS,"
  explains code-boffin Rico Monkeon. Geeky and
  great.
http://www.monkeon.co.uk/cssalbumart/

 
  >> Silly House In The Afternoon <<
  Presferatu loves crappy kids TV, loves it! Or
  this wouldn't be so well-done. The bored muppet
  is excellent. Also maybe stick around for the
  animated turds.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Silly_House_In_The_Afternoon


  >> Misery Bear: Dawn of the Ted <<
  The obligatory Halloween tie-in sees titular
  hero Misery Bear fight off a horde of invading
  zombies. Nice work, ratbanjos. Although
  "titular" really should mean "has nice tits".
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Misery_Bear_Dawn_of_the_Ted


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: BONUS T-SHIRT ADVERTISING
  Thank God it's payday...

  But fuckabout there's only one more before
  Xmas. Get 10% off everything before Wednesday
  with the discount code PAYDAY! at ShotDead. We
  got all the good stuff you need to sort Xmas or
  just indulge yourself. New t-shirts poking fun
  at Apple, Jim'll Fix It soap, flower hand
  grenades, insulting Post-Its... Random.
  Funny. Essential ...kind of.
http://bit.ly/bQoyBS


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Crappy Relationships

  Last week we asked about your failed, bonkers
  or just plain odd relationships. Read on for
  some scarily clingy/fighty/stinky people:
http://b3ta.com/questions/relationships/

  * "I knew it was over when I got this answer
  phone message: 'Hey... er... oh I'd hoped to
  speak to you but you must be in work... Sorry
  to leave this message. Well, erm... remember I
  called you last night? And I was a bit drunk?
  Well I sort of got a lot more drunk. And I lost
  my friends.... but I got a lift home from these
  three random guys. Erm... well I thought they
  were a taxi and one of them had really cute
  eyes so I let him shag me on the back seat...
  and then I kind of drunkenly figured that the
  other two would feel left out so I let them
  shag me too. Anyway, to cut a long story short,
  I felt really guilty this morning so I went to
  see my ex-ex-boyfriend.... and I've sort of
  shagged him too. Erm. Sorry?'" (Zapiol)
     
  * "When I was eight, I bought her Polos to
  prove my devotion. She took them, ate them and
  stole mine too. She then went and kissed
  another boy! With fresh, minty breath that was
  mine by right! The minty Jezebel! Snakes with
  tits, I tells ya." (universalpsykopath)
     
  * "I got the silent treatment - she didn't
  speak to me for three days. Because I was mean
  to her. IN A DREAM." (Beve The Spaniard)


  >> This Week's Question <<
  We'd like your babysitter stories: brats you've
  looked after, babysitters you've had and baby-
  sitters you've, erm, had. Yeah, right. Talk to
  us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/babysitters/


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Film animated gifs <<
  Raising to the level of art is this collection
  of superbly-timed gifs. We particularly like
  the ones of Brigitte Bardot's arse on page 5.
http://iwdrm.tumblr.com/


  >> FAC-ed if I know <<
  Dead Factory Records genius Anthony Wilson gets
  a gravestone at last, a thing of great beauty
  based on the FAC004 poster. When we die, our
  gravestone is going to be an enormous animated
  gif with spunky cocks and shit. Or Bardot's
  arse.
http://goo.gl/RWc3


  >> Huge pixel-art with 167 classic videogames <<
  It's a viral thing for Tron: Legacy and it's
  absolutely gorgeous. Linky goes to a thread on
  our board where someone has grabbed the art out
  of the annoying game bit. Print this out,
  tattoo it on your penises, this is the new
  poster for your fetid man-flat.
http://goo.gl/niMX


  >> Amazon Audio Tape Charts <<
  Amused to find tucked away on Amazon a chart of
  their best-selling music tapes  - at number 1
  is Now That's What I Call Xmas. Also doing well
  at No. 7 is Howard Jones, which must be the
  first time he's been in any chart since
  about 1985.
http://goo.gl/JiVA


  >> The God Of Cake <<
  Allie of hyperboleandahalf has outdone herself.
  This is epic. To a four-year-old girl, cake is
  the only thing that matters.
http://goo.gl/iN7I


  >> Woman FAIL <<
  "A fashion blog for men who want to look like
  middle-aged suburban moms." Potentially NSFW,
  and rather mean-spirited too.
http://womanfail.tumblr.com/


  >> Dating for munters <<
  If there could have been a dating site better
  designed for the average internet user we
  haven't seen it. Our readers are much prettier
  than this so we're only sharing for academic
  interest. 
http://www.theuglybugball.com/index.php


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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
  Fainting kittens + Shep Pettibone remix

  Everywhere this week are these delightful
  little kittens who suffer from "myotonia
  congenita" made famous by a YouTube video of
  goats from yesteryear.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Fainting_Goat_Kittens

  The good news is that it's already been remixed
  by B3tans. zacherynuk writes, "I've solved the
  Fainting Kittens Mystery, using special
  noise-finding apparatus. Or something. It was
  gonna be awesome, but after 10 minutes decided
  I should do some real work."
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Fainting_Kittens_Mystery_Solved


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  It's like Revver never happened

  >> Russian bath tub fireworks <<
  No further description necessary.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/546606


  >> Tiny cannon <<
  Oh Jesus, suddenly we know what we want for
  Christmas. It looks deadly though, so we'd
  probably be too scared to actually fire it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wi4g_U0hoOg


  >> Oops <<
  Collected clips of people dropping the video
  camera. Much better than it sounds, as it makes
  you think, "Oh no, don't film near the swimming
  pool!"
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Oops:11


  >> USB typewriter <<
  Luddites of the world unite! As one commenter
  aptly puts it "Fuck you progress"!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EozwYbMTtS0


  >> Prequel to Hitchcock's "The Birds" <<
  Brilliant, suspense-filled trailer to
  Hitchcock's long-awaited precursor to "The
  Birds".
http://goo.gl/8Ahz


  >> Mobile phone in 1928? <<
  Could this be a mobile phone-using
  time-traveller, caught on camera by Charlie
  Chaplin's film crew? Well, no, obviously. Why
  would someone from the far future use scabby
  old 2010 tech? Skip to 2:48 for the money
  shot, avoid being wound up by the excitable
  narrator. Everywhere this week. 
http://goo.gl/Nt44


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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
  Actually a name for once rather than a cocky pic

  Check out the name for the president of Food
  for the Poor.
http://goo.gl/uD6W


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Spending Cuts Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to show the impact of
  nasty Government cuts

  Your favourites included:

  * BBC - money disappears from the BBC coffers
  and prompts a new challenge (see below) (Bela
  Lugosi's Dad)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10227114

  * SHOPS - a return to Victorian living
  conditions is almost inevitable (Captain Howdy)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10226931

  * NAG - Jeremy the annoying horse gets a
  promotion (Fresh Water Mole)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10226664

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/cuts/


  >> New challenge: New TV Idents <<
  TV companies spend millions getting design
  agencies to supply ever-more imaginative idents
  to represent their "core values" and "brand
  image". We think the same job can be done by
  b3tards for pence. So fire up Photoshop and
  show the professionals how it's done.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/idents/


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * IS THATCHER DEAD YET? Not yet, but the Daily
  Mail's had an aneurysm about the site made by a
  naughty little b3tan.
http://goo.gl/xcVK


  * "I AM ON BBC3, NAKED IN THE BATH," brags
  Pedantichrist. "That's about it really. I look
  fat too."
http://www.b3ta.com/links/I_am_on_BBC3_naked_in_the_bath


  * BRIAN BLESSED FLASH MOB - Here's is your
  chance to meet Brian Blessed - next Thursday.
  TomTom have a load of Blessed Beards and the
  Blessed will be present:
http://goo.gl/ujXa


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: YOUR GUIDE TO NUMBERS
  And their relationship with excreta. No place
  for knob-cheese, we are disappointed to find.

  Number one: wee
  Number two: poo
  Number three: semen
  Number four: a period
  Number five: tears
  Number six: ear wax
  Number seven: Belly button fluff
  Number eight: Snot
  Number nine: Dry sebum squeezed from an ancient
    spot that comes out like angel hair spaghetti
  Number ten: That gunk you get under your toe
    nails that tastes salty

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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If you
  are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

 * SCIENCE! DOES POO GET MOULDY? Keep a turd in a
 bucket for a few weeks, photograph it every day.

  * TICKET MACHINE JACKPOT - apparently some
  ticket machines will only take a certain amount
  of small change in payment before rejecting the
  lot, Vegas jackpot-style. Someone try this and
  film yourself whooping it up over your 'win'.

  * LOCAL NEWSPAPER HEADLINES - Got an A2
  printer? Print all caps headlines and stick
  them in the holders outside newsagents.

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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 Sex:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
 Death:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

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  THANKS:
  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Guy Incognito,
  RedHouse, LeightonJimbo, Pedantichrist, Dan dan
  dan, @davepattee, Elvis of Nazareth, Cliff
  Richard's porn stash, Fluffster Top Tippery by
  ~\(_0)/~ Additional linkage and image challenge
  by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  Subjlols via The Great Architect.

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  TOP TIP:
  Save cash! Your partner may like to see a
  colourful bowl of fruit proudly displayed on
  the kitchen table, but you'll end up dumping it
  after 3-4 days. Keep your fruit in the fridge,
  it will last weeks.

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