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NEWSLETTER: "GET YOUR TAX MONEY BACK BY ROBBING FROM A CATHOLIC COLLECTION PLATE"

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This Week:
* POPE STUFF - Yeah, big surprise there
* QUESTION - Confess your awful druggy ways
* VIDEO - Tourette's guy sings Erasure

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ | 	"We're holding our
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |   	poos in for Jesus
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|     	... together"

B3ta email 446 - 17 Sep 2010

Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue446/

  	CAKE:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
    	LIES:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

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: HOORAY! WE'VE SOLD SOME ADVERTISING!
  We love the iPod Clinic!

  Have you bust your iPod or iPhone so it's
  sitting in your sock drawer doing nothing? Get
  it fixed at a great price. And we won't give you
  any condescending looks like those shits in the
  Apple store either.
http://www.theipodclinic.co.uk/.

  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  You like selling products. We like your money: 
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


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: B3TA PEOPLE VS THE POPE
  A commemorative cut out and keep selection

  In celebration of the Pope visiting we
  considered revisiting the old B3ta quiz format
  with 'Papist or Child Rapist' but couldn't
  actually be arsed so thank god then that the
  B3tans have been doing almost nothing else this
  week but making Pope-related mockery lols.

  >> Looks like the Vatican sent a decoy... <<
  Haywood Manley sends us exclusive footage that
  shows that we're just being visited by another
  of Benedict's nefarious Pope-bots. Reminiscent
  of the creepy fortune teller from Big.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Looks_like_the_Vatican_sent_a_decoy


  >> "The Pope's coming to my home town" <<
  Rapper Dan Bull is readying himself for the
  papal visit. "I've written him a welcome letter.
  Can anyone think of some way I could actually
  make sure he sees it? I have a vague plan
  involving balloons."
http://www.b3ta.com/links/The_Popes_coming_to_my_home_town


  >> Pope's visit to Edinburgh <<
  "I'm sure I've watched this scene somewhere
  before," muses masakatsu. This *totally* should
  have happened. It rocks.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Popes_visit_to_Edinburgh


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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING
  ...that isn't about the Pope

  >> Boyz N the Ring <<
  "Gandalf brings Hip Hop back to Middle Earth!"
  claims Leonards. Lovingly-assembled re-edit of
  the Lord of the Rings, with added bling.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Boyz_N_the_Ring


  >> How to feel like you are floating in space <<
  Here's frox's 5 easy steps:
  1) attach camera to balloon
  2) send balloon in stratosphere
  3) take a bunch of photos
  4) assemble in 360° panorama
  4a) (optional): take substances
  5) look at panorama (use the link below)
  6) panic that there's a big, black hole in the world!
http://francescobonomi.it/minihab/stratospera/pano_3/


  >> The Labour leadership race effing ROCKS! <<
  "Well not really," confesses Dan Bull. "But I
  have tried my best to make it seem that way in
  this strange musical guide." Here's info to
  identify the Milliband twins, although you can
  also tell them apart by turning them upside
  down and examining the underside.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/The_Labour_leadership_race_effing_ROCKS


-------------------------------------------------

: HELL YEAH MORE ADVERTISING!
  Completely brilliant iPhone game

  Meatstroke is the Adult Swim iPhone game that
  combines meat, sunburn and bald clouds. We know
  what you're thinking. FINALLY, somebody
  developed that.
http://bit.ly/meatstroke


-------------------------------------------------

: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  The Easiest Job In The World

  Last week we asked for the easiest jobs you'd
  ever done. Go and be jealous, and then just a
  little sad at the sheer lack of ambition
  exhibited here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/easyjob/

  * "One fine Monday morning we turned up for work
  to discover that the roof had collapsed over the
  weekend. Unfortunately the ceiling was made of
  asbestos tiles, so a specialist cleanup team had
  to be called in. Our boss didn't like the idea
  of strangers handling our delicate and expensive
  equipment, so asked for volunteers to properly
  disconnect it all, ready for decontamination.
  Since this included wearing an awesome
  spacesuit, I stepped forward. It was an odd
  sensation, knowing that outside your little
  bubble of safety, the familiar-looking office
  was filled with invisible death. Frankly I would
  have done it for shits and giggles, and was
  expecting perhaps a pub lunch on the company.
  Quite surprised to find a £300 bonus at the end
  of the month, for about an hour spent breathing
  like Darth Vader and going "beep" at the end of
  every sentence..." (moon monkey)
	 
  * "I once got a job with a mail-order firm. On
  my first day, a guy was appointed to show me the
  ropes - he led me down into an area where all
  the stock was on shelves, ready for picking,
  pointed to one rack of shelves and said, "you
  get up there." He then climbed up on to the top
  of the rack on the other side, stretched out and
  went to sleep. I quit on the third day, driven
  crazy by the piped muzak but still having no
  idea what I was supposed to do." (adognaduck)
 	 
  * "I am a boner. My job title is literally
  'boner.' I add the skeletal rigs to 3D
  characters for animation - a process known as
  boning. Ergo I am a boner. It's an easy enough
  job. I boned a wizard last night." (Digeridude) 


  >> This Week's Question: Drugs <<
  Had a problem with drugs? Accidentally got off
  your tits on night nurse? Talk to us here. For
  hours and hours and hours:
http://b3ta.com/questions/massivedrugs/


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

 >> Why women hate men <<
  A collection of toe-curlingly shit online dating
  ads posted by men. Amusing, but titling it "why
  women hate men" makes us meanly think "why some
  women turn into spinsters - because they judge
  all men by the behaviour of some."
http://whywomenhatemen.blogspot.com/


  >> In Soviet Russia the games retro YOU <<
  The problem with internet porn is you get bored
  of the vanilla stuff and after a few years end
  up as a fully-fledged pervert looking at stuff
  that would make Gary Glitter wince. So it goes
  with retro gaming, you start with a few
  Spectrum emulators and end up with the hard
  stuff - 80s Russian arcade machines:
http://snurl.com/redpixels


  >> Celebrity feet <<
  And speaking of internet perverts - why not
  check out a whole wiki dedicated to photos of
  celebrities' feet? We were briefly tempted to
  troll it with photos of our favourite celebs
  like Simon le Bon and William Shatner.
http://www.wikifeet.com/


  >> Amazon makes mini joke <<
  Lols all round here - first off the book is
  about Mother Teresa and is called "The
  Missionary Position", and secondly the price is
  the Satanicly pleasing £6.66.
http://snurl.com/13ly6u


  >> Tooth story <<
  Doesn't sound that compelling does it? A story
  about a tooth? But go on, read it, a charming
  blog with loads of illustrations. You will be
  entertained. Promise.
http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2010/09/party.html


  >> Discrepancies of perception <<
  Clever comic-strip illustrates the ways we're
  often wrong about the world around us.
  Particular favourite: the panels on feeling
  unlucky.
http://www.viruscomix.com/page528.html


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Like real life but with compression artefacts

  >> Tourette's guy sings Erasure <<
  All music is improved by having it sung Karaoke
  style by a guy with Tourette's. Especially when
  it's Erasure. We'd like to see this guy do
  children's parties.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IzOol-TBDBE


  >> Compare / contrast phone adverting <<
  Two mobile phone ads turned up this week with
  opposite approaches. Samsung have made a
  fantastic viral that's a joy to watch, featuring
  a little girl dancing, but its connection with
  the product is tenuous. Whereas Nokia have done
  a simpler stop-motion, filmed by Aardman, but it
  works as a product demo because it was actually
  filmed on a phone. Which is better? There's only
  one way to find out... fight!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CD7eagLl5c4 (Nokia)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bvyNe0IDNh4 (Samsung)


  >> Google Instant being put to good use <<
  Great idea for a cheapo video here. Stick the
  lyrics to a listy song into the new funky
  version of Google and use the power of video
  editing to get the timing right. Would also work
  for We Didn't Start The Fire and Hello by The
  Beloved. All together now, "Zippy, Bungle and
  Jeffery Archer."
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Google_Instant_being_put_to_good_use


  >> A terrifying climb <<
  One would think that workers who scale the
  heights of radio and TV broadcast towers would
  use some kind of safety harness, as they ascend
  to their worksite. One would be wrong. EDIT NOTE:
  Perhaps not safe for lunch. BTW: If this link is
  down google around, as it keeps disappearing due
  to a copyright issue.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/A_terrifying_climb


  >> Woman goes back to work after 30 years <<
  Very short but what a great visual gag. Top
  marks.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Woman_goes_back_to_work_after_30_years


  >> I love my life as a dickhead <<
  This link was everywhere last Friday and we
  just missed sticking it in the newsletter by
  minutes but here we are, a week later, telling
  you about the micro trends of yester week.
  Welcome to b3ta Gold.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/I_love_my_life_as_a_dickhead


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: FOLLOW FRIDAY
  Introducing that cool new product... Twitter!

  There's been a long tradition of fake celeb
  accounts for lols on Twitter - favourites
  include @dianainheaven ("Just realised I've been
  walking around all day with my left bollock
  hanging out.") and @CherylKerl ("Yerz kna
  listnin tuh Mawvin King's TUC speech haz made uz
  reassess mei thorts on causes a wor bankin
  crisis man pet an aall.")

  Our new favourite is the shit Britpop-tastic
  @reallybanderson and here are some of his recent
  tweets:

  * Bumped into Loz from Kingmaker today. Says they
  are re-uniting and he has changed his name to
  "Lolz", to appeal to "the kids". Tragic.

  * All Bran and Coco Pops in one bowl? Brett
  Anderson knows the score.

  * My next 25 new followers will receive a genuine
  piece of Richard Oakes' BMX bike as a prize.
  He'll probably be fine about it.
http://twitter.com/reallybanderson


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Albums Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to re-market classic
  albums for a new demographic

  Your favourites included:

  * EMINEM - Slim Shady gets some new hair and a
  dandy costume  (Ninj)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10182109

  * U2 - Bono's bunch drop the pomposity and usher
  in a new era of knob gags and comedy moustaches
  (Ninj)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10181625

  * JOY - classic album art given a refreshing,
  pneumatic twist (monkeon)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10183885

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/marketingalbums/


  >> New challenge: Retro Sci-Fi II <<
  Back in September 2008, a classic B3ta compo
  emerged: make sci-fi retro. In true
  science-fiction style, it's high time for a
  sequel, so open up photoshop, and show us more
  (new) examples of the fantastical future,
  yesterday. Challenge suggested by The Great
  Architect.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/scifisequel/


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * KUNTANDTHEGANG MAKE A MUSICAL - nothing if not
  ambitious is the young Kunt and he's bashed
  together a full cast recording of Shannon
  Matthews: The Musical. Pre-order your CD now.
http://www.kuntandthegang.co.uk


  * PENIS TONE FM - Bryo writes, "just had a quick
  listen to the sound of genitalia and it is a
  really good radio station! In the afternoon has
  pretty much the same playlist as BBC 6music and
  bonus of broad Yorkshire accents from the DJs
  and adverts. Thanks B3TA!"
http://www.penistonefm.co.uk/


  * BATTERY MOANS - many of your wrote in with
  sympathy about our battery problems. Lots of
  recommendations for USB Rechargables - who we
  have mentioned before: they stuck us on a press
  release list and we got emailed every time they
  farted. Also ajbeaumont, who writes, "HEY
  HOMOS. Batteries are so last century. A bit of
  wood, some wires and hey presto - Apple's magic
  mouse running on USB. Love you, bye!!!!"
http://snurl.com/usbtrackpad


-------------------------------------------------

: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * E-FIT-ALIKES - marko_b_1 asks, "Can you
  suggest in the things we'd like to see section a
  website that shows police e-fits and an actual
  picture of the criminal once they are caught
  please? I think this would be awesome but I'm a
  spaz and can't make it myself."

  * AN iPHONE APP FOR READING THE B3TA QUESTION OF
  THE WEEK - there's gold in those archives and we
  reckon they'd make perfect phone reading. 

  * AN OFF BUTTON FOR FACEBOOK PLACES - oh there
  probably is one but we couldn't find it easily,
  it's like Facebook want us to use this shit or
  something.

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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-------------------------------------------------

  THANKINGS:
  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Lu, Tab
  Hunter, mousemonkey, Griffy Savalas, ttdi,
  Terry Mynott, Mrs. Sp@m, PokeHQ,
  jemimah_knight, Peter (Lowe!) / pgl (sorry for
  not crediting you last week). subjlols via
  Griffy Savalas. Top Tippery by A Vagabond.
  Additional linkage and image challenge by
  Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.

-------------------------------------------------

: TOP TIP:
  Enjoy the benefits of date rape without the
  concern about prosecution, by simply spiking
  your own drink and having a wank.

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