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NEWSLETTER: "B3TA TALKS TO BRIAN BLESSED"

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This Week:
* BRIAN BLESSED - WE TALK TO HIM!
* SHOUTING - OUR EARS ARE BLEEDING
* DID WE MENTION - BRIAN BLESSED?

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |     "We're talking to    
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |     Brian Blessed on the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|      phone... together"

B3ta email 441 - 13 Aug 2011

Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue441/

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: SPONSORED LINK
  Phill Jupitus's radio book thing

  Oooh we haven't sold an ad, so doing the
  traditional linky to last purchase on Amazon
  thing. This time, it's stand-up comedian and
  radio presenter Phill Jupitus's book on his
  experiences at Radio 6 and the Breakfast Show -
  essential reading for anyone interested in the
  whole "close down Radio 6" debate of recent
  times. Funniest bit? When Dale Winton rubs
  Phill's stomach and says, "I do like a balcony
  over the playroom." 
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/0007313853/b3ta-21

  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Stuff, things and nonsense

  >> Homer Vader <<
  Quick and dirty Star Wars redub by Bela
  Lugosi's Dad, with Homer Simpson as the
  black-clad Imperial badass.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Homer_Simpson_is_Darth_Vader


  >> Flash Theatre <<
  "You know what people of London don't seem to
  like?" queries joehmbunn. "Strange, hairy men
  coming up to them with large, grubby macs and
  exposing something. So, bored one day, we
  thought we could fix this."
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Flash_Theatre


  >> Febreze Redubbed. <<
  Haha, this is so awful! Joehmbunn's revoicing
  of the Febreze ad is rude and creepy and it
  really made us laugh. A work of art!
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Febreze_Redubbed


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  BRIAN BLESSED INTERVIEW - Rich writes, "Just
  wanted to say thanks for the big-ups on the
  Blessed Sat Nav Campaign, you might have
  noticed is all done and dusted. Just
  wondering if there’s anything Blessed-related
  you might like? I can certainly get a bit of
  audio/video for B3ta?" Yep. Let's do this. A
  B3ta interview with the Blessed - and here it
  is: 22 minutes of your fearless leader Rob
  chatting to Brian on the phone, and we've
  learned the following:

  * BRIAN WANTS A FACEBOOK CAMPAIGN TO SEND HIM
  TO THE MOON - can you help him? "We are the
  children of stardust, we need to get out there"

  * BRIAN CAN TALK FOR ENGLAND - and is very keen
  on Kenneth Branagh, THE MOON and mountains. 

  * BRIAN HAS TO SAY GORDON'S ALIVE 50 TIMES A
  DAY - and he's not bored of it.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/B3ta_Interviews_Brian_Blessed


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Beautiful Moments (Pt 2)

  Last week we asked for more of your beautiful
  moments - lovely things you've seen out and
  about. Go read Lardyboy's tale of a 24-year
  courtship and have a little cry:
http://b3ta.com/questions/beautifulmoments2/

  Here's three shorties:

  * "Eight years ago I got in line for a cashier
  at the local Sainsbury's. In front of me was a
  small blond-haired boy, filled with the joys of
  a carefree life, a lifetime of discovery and
  adventure ahead of him. On the slidey rubber
  mat was his only selection: two fun-sized
  packets of Haribo Starmix; in his hand was his
  precious pocket money. He turned to look at me,
  a jaded, tall, blond student with a fraction of
  his student loan in his pocket. On the rubber
  slidey mat was my only selection: two massive
  packets of Haribo Starmix." (grey matter)
     
  * "My six year-old little sister is sitting on
  my knee in the car. I can hear her humming and
  then do some sort of amateur beatbox drum
  sound, and then whisper 'miaow, miaow' to
  herself. I also noticed she was moving her
  hands in an odd fashion. It took a moment to
  click, but she was being keyboard cat." (Amberl)
     
  * "In Basingstoke, we once saw a large and
  perfectly vertical dog turd in the middle of
  the pedestrianised area. Not even the slightest
  lean; it was like a brown, fissured Saturn V
  rocket waiting for blast-off." (rogerzilla)


  >> This Week's Question <<
  Ever had a little white lie build out of
  control into a monster with a life all of its
  own? C'mon, we've all done it:
http://b3ta.com/questions/pantsonfire/


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Monotone music <<
  Elderly curmudgeons complain that using
  computers has removed the tunes from popular
  music. Here's a genuine attempt to do just
  that, with mixed results.
http://snurl.com/doopdoopdoop


  >> People with iPhones have more sex <<
  Deep data analysis from some nerdy types who
  run an online dating agency. They showed
  profile pictures for people to rate for
  attractiveness, then looked at which cameras
  were used to take them. Turns out only uggos
  use a Motorola cameraphone.
http://bit.ly/bUoNd8


  >> Young me, now me. <<
  Zefrank's ongoing photo project, where people
  re-enact pictures taken when they were children.
http://www.zefrank.com/youngmenowme/


  >> Illustrating a plane journey <<
  Bored artist documents his 12-hour plane
  trip with charming drawings and cabin fever.
http://snurl.com/planeyplane


  >> Your beautiful eyes close-up <<
  Some nice macro-photography, although some of
  it almost has an opti-goatse quality to it.
http://snurl.com/eyesarepoo


  >> 4chan captcha art <<
  The MS Paint crowd tackle the nonsensical
  phrases you have to type these days to show
  you're not a T-800 or something.
http://captchart.tumblr.com/


  >> Vintage Tokyo subway posters <<
  Delightfully inventive informational posters
  show you how to behave on Japanese public
  transport. Not crossing your legs or forgetting
  your brolly rather than, uh, firing lasers from
  your eyes and raping passers-by with your
  pseudopods.
http://snurl.com/subwaysyeahwoo


  >> Pencil-tip sculptures <<
  Absolutely exquisite works of art carved from
  the tip of a pencil. Don't try this at home
  kids, as it will make you blind and constipated.
http://snurl.com/penciltips


  >> "Misused" quotation marks <<
  Always a classic, check out the unintended
  disturbing double-meanings of signs made by the
  "ignorant".
http://www.unnecessaryquotes.com/


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Radio with "pictures"

  >> Be-hatted keyboard mastery <<
  Cheerful chappy goofs around on the keyboard,
  with surprisingly impressive results. If you're
  not familiar electronic composer Ronald
  Jenkees, here's a good place to start. 
http://www.b3ta.com/links/After_I_spat_my_tea_out


  >> It's okay to be a loner <<
  No, it really is. Watch this touching,
  thoughtful vid about being alone and feel
  reassured. In your lonely single room.
http://snurl.com/lonerslonely


  >> The Justin Bieber Show <<
  Loveable pop moppet Bieber hits your screen
  again, in this cartoon sitcom. Featuring
  Justin's amazing friends.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/The_Justin_Bieber_Show


  >> Kitty, come and meet the new puppy! <<
  If cats could speak, this would cover every
  conversation you'd have with one.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Kitty_come_and_meet_the_new_puppy


  >> Dinner-time Dad tricks <<
  Sneaky French father amusingly pranks his
  unsuspecting daughter.
http://snurl.com/frenchyfun


  >> You're Not From Newport <<
  Newport-based rappers Goldie Lookin Chain horn
  in on the youTube clickiness enjoyed by that
  Newport State of Mind tune. Probably requires
  very specific local knowledge to get the
  fullest enjoyment.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Youre_Not_From_Newport


  >> Cat-eating watermelon <<
  Sorry, misplaced hyphen. This cat likes to eat
  slices of melon. Good times.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i3cHNObcEh8


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: FUNNY NAME CORNER 
  Rectanus!

  Noelbailey writes in with a linky to a facebook
  account of someone with the surname Rectanus -
  amusing enough but we felt pointing you lot to
  it might be a bit like cyberbullying so we've
  been googling away for people with the same
  surname and found a book about protecting
  workers' rights by Lori Rectanus. (Lorry
  wrecked anus? That's what they all say.)
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/0756709024/b3ta-21


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Pope Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to celebrate the
  arrival of the Pope on our shores by designing
  appropriate merchandise

  Your favourites included:
 
  * BUSTING - Everybody sing... I ain't 'fraid of
  no popes (Sub Rosa's Hubby)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10149830

  * DISASTER - b3ta meme revived to triumphant
  Papal approval (Peter Davison)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10145293

  * BREAKFAST - Kellogs launch saucy cereal to
  celebrate visit (Clueless Egg Cunt)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10145613

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/pope/


  >> New challenge: Dragon's Den <<
  Dragons Den is back on our boxes - only last
  week some crank got 100K for attaching a pencil
  sharpener to a golf pitch fork. This challenge
  is to 'shop other shit inventions with which to
  impress the Dragons.'
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/dragonsden/


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.
  
  * LITTLE GIRL VS CYRIAK, our animating genius
  chum writes, "Little girl watching one of my
  videos, kind of cute, although it does look
  like her brain is downloading a virus half way
  through."
http://www.b3ta.com/links/little_girl_watching_one_of_my_videos

  * BROKEN SNAIL ART LINKS - Hampster Squared
  writes, "Seeing as it was newslettered, this is
  indeed the glassiest of surprised German
  forklifts. However, due to the attention my
  site got, it had a nervous breakdown as it
  couldn't cope with the volume of traffic. My
  artwork, the painted snails and other slight
  madnesses were very hard to get to. I'm pretty
  sure this is fixed now - but if any of you feel
  so inclined, would you have a quick stare at it
  and let me know if the images are loading
  properly/taking less than three years to
  appear?" Fixed now - have another look.
http://www.tilla.co.uk/

  * INTERVIEW WITH DENISE WILTON - oooh, you
  lucky people, stick his on your iPod, lie
  back and think of B3ta.
http://shiftrunstop.co.uk/2010/08/10/denise-wilton-trailer/


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * PAYPALROULETTE.COM - Each page load randomly
  either credits or debits your paypal account.
  ("Credit goes to @codebeard who was grumping
  this lunchtime about how much a friend was
  making at sportingbet.com just serving flashing
  .gifs and random colours", writes Mike Trinder.)

  * SINISTER HAND SHANDY - Is anyone here
  ambiwanktrous? Can you crack one out to
  completion with either hand?

  * RUBBER BAND TRAMPOLINE - Can you make a
  trampoline for your pet hamster by stretching a
  couple of hundred rubber bands over a biscuit
  tin?

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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  THANKS:
  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by prince-igor, Herb
  Alpert's Taxi driver, Sn0tters, jambox,
  pissflaps, sinisterduck, BourbonBiscuits2,
  Hellzapoppin, Paster of Muppets, Proboscisface,
  Cliff Richard's porn stash, via K-Lyd.
  Additional linkage and image challenge by
  Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  
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  TOP TIP:
  Order chips without salt to get the fresh
  batch. (sverreco)

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