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NEWSLETTER: "PRINCE PHILLIP HAS HIS INVITE TO THE BNP'S BARBEQUE WITHDRAWN"

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This Week:
* SONG - Dave the Fridge
* LIES - In online dating. Surely no!
* SURFING - On tarps

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ | "My dog's got no dick.    
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ | How does it smell? Like
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| Semen, blood and antiseptic"

B3ta email 438 - 23 Jul 2010

Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue438/

         Shits:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
 Bigger shits: b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
-------------------------------------------------

: SPONSORED LINK
  Inflate your knob like a balloon

  Another week, another filler ad from Amazon. We
  typed 'penis' into the Search to see what we'd
  get and we're pleased to report that Amazon is
  now flogging penis pumps. Some of the reviews
  are sort of amusing, but we reckon you could
  liven them up a bit. Go on. Spoil yourself.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B00345GTXK/b3ta-21
  

  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Fridge, Cows and Shopping

  >> Dave the Fridge <<
  "Here's something we made with the comedian
  Gareth Richards," cries thatchersarse. "Hope
  you like!" Catchy song about why his mate is
  very like a fridge.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Dave_the_Fridge


  >> Cows and cows and cows <<
  This is what cattle get up to when nobody's
  looking. The usual, mind-melting stuff from
  Cyriak. "Enjoy the many cows!" he tinkles.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/cows_and_cows_and_cows


  >> Found shopping lists <<
  "I keep finding shopping lists," explains
  Wildyles. "There are some interesting people
  out there, none more so than the idiot hunting
  around trollies for old lists." Enjoy his
  unnecessarily bile-filled critique of others'
  grocery choices.
http://foundshoppinglist.wordpress.com/


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  You're doing it wrong

  Most of us have suddenly realised we've been
  doing something the wrong way all our lives,
  but only this lot will admit to it. Click to
  find out just where 'cname' got his hand stuck:
http://b3ta.com/questions/wrongness/

  * CHOC - "A girl I once worked in a pub with
   had a customer ask for a hot chocolate. Not
   having ever made one before, but not wanting
   to look like a div, she improvised thusly:
   1) Pour about half a jar of hot chocolate
   powder into the kettle. 2) Fill the kettle
   with milk. 3) Turn on the kettle... It sort
   of made a fuzzley noise for a minute and
   started to crackle and emit burnt chocolatey
   smoke. In fairness, several bar-hanging regulars
   and I had watched her throughout the whole
   process, and could have corrected her, but
   we were too enthralled."
   (SnowyTheRabbit)
     
  * CHOP - "Worked for a kitchen fitter. I was
   young. I was tasked with cutting out the hole
   for the sink. I marked the hole out on the
   worktop and then took to it with a jigsaw.
   Yes, you guessed it. A perfect sink sized
   piece of worktop is what I was left with, the
   rest of the worktop cut to fucking bits to
   get to the sink sized piece. Boy was my face
   red. Because he punched me."
   (Spaff_Quaffer)
     
  * WHAT? - "I've been with my boyfriend for ten
   years, and I always wondered why his mother -
   Wendy - didn't like me very much. Last year,
   he finally got round to telling me that her
   name is Liz."
   (Punkygirl)


  >> This Week's Question: guilty laughs <<
  We want you to tell us about the times your
  sense of humour has gone beyond taste and
  decency. Personally, it's once a week, on
  Friday mornings. How about you?
http://b3ta.com/questions/guiltylaughs/


-------------------------------------------------

: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Dear Blank, Please Blank <<
  Anonymous notes to whoever. Mostly
  observational humour in the form of a letter.
  Enjoyed this more the further we read.
http://www.dearblankpleaseblank.com/


  >> Biggest lies in online dating <<
  People on dating sites exaggerate their height,
  their income and, oddly, how bisexual they are.
  Fascinating statistical analysis from OK Cupid.
http://snurl.com/datinglies


  >> News mystery man <<
  Who is this mysterious character, suddenly
  ubiquitous on UK TV? He never seems to change
  his clothes or his hair. Is he a prankster? A
  crazy person? Or a sinister army of clones?
http://snurl.com/tvmysteryman


  >> Journey through fruit <<
  Animated MRI scans of fruit and veg produce
  compelling images, like organic fireworks.
http://insideinsides.blogspot.com/ 


  >> What BP could have bought <<
  Here's some of the stuff that BP could have
  bought with the money they lost off their
  market valuation. It's not real money, of
  course, but there are some good comedy
  suggestions here. Really, can you imagine
  anyone actually paying for Yahoo? 
http://snurl.com/lookatwhattheycouldhavewon

 
  >> My procedural <<
  Writer retells a gripping incident from his own
  life, to illustrate what it's like to pitch
  ideas for police procedural TV show. Hope he
  writes a whole book of these - we'd read it.
http://snurl.com/sledgehammerandwhore


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  It's YouTube with different stylesheets

  >> Newport (Ymerodraeth State of Mind) <<
  Celebration of the small Welsh town, in a Jay-Z
  & Alicia Keys style. Newport is a hotbed of
  rap, being the hometown of Goldie Lookin' Chain.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Newport_Ymerodraeth_State_of_Mind


  >> Mel Gibson vs Old Spice guy <<
  When massive memes meet, they make odd little
  meme babies. But who are we to deny them their
  moment to shine?
http://bit.ly/c5Dqw6


  >> Bunny Show Jumping <<
  Rabbits compete athletically for your delight.
  We enhanced our viewing pleasure by replacing
  the soundtrack with Nine Inch Nails 'Just Like
  You Imagined' for that 'epic' feel.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cNPOdffkkLo

  >> Pug sings Batman <<
  A lot funnier than it should be.
http://youtu.be/GrIp3k5pJQM 


  >> The Chipophone <<
  An old electric organ converted into an 8-bit
  synth to play live chip tune music. "It has
  built-in arpeggios, man!" raves a fired-up Rob.
  Old synths used to cheat at chords by playing
  single notes for a microsecond at a time, like
  stop-motion for the ear, and creating an odd
  trilling sound.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/The_Chipophone

  
  >> Incredible particle physics demo <<
  Some sort of hyped-up cgi demonstration, which
  excites us just thinking about how good games
  are going to look in a few years. Yes,
  Farmville 2.0 will be pretty fucking sweet.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Amazing_particle_physics_demo


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: GO SEE BEN WHEATLEY'S FILM 
  Down Terrace  

  Old-school B3tan Ben writes -

  "My feature film 'Down Terrace' finally makes
  it to the cinema. I am having to write this
  because Rob angrily replied, 'I AM TOO LAZY TO
  WRITE YOUR PUFF.' So here it is: Down Terrace
  plays at the ICA from the 30th of July for a
  week. It's won a load of prizes and has had
  good reviews. So go and see it. There's seven
  deaths and lots of swearing. Thanks Ben."
http://www.ica.org.uk/24942/Film/Down-Terrace.html


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Mel Gibson Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to 'shop feisty Mr
  Gibson

  Your favourites included:
 
  * ATTACK - Mel finds himself the subject of
  some unwelcome attention (benito vasselini)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10126352

  * SADDAM - you can run, but you can't hide
  (Smallbrainfield)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10128352

  * GALLERY - maximum Gibson, as the Lethal
  Weapon star gets framed (eclectech)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10125054

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/melgibson/


  >> New challenge: Big Ben <<
  It's the go-to landmark that appears in films
  if the director needs to show that the action
  has suddenly switched to London. It's Big Ben.
  It's this week's challenge. 'Shop it.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/bigben/


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * "I'VE MADE A SINGLE WITH ARMANDO IANNUCCI",
  writes old-school b3tan Fat Boab, "Dead
  chuffed, like."
http://snurl.com/iannucciplayspop

  * KITTENS INSPIRE SCIENCE - "One for 'What
  happened next'?" prompts Fraser correctly.
http://snurl.com/kittycrowdsourcing

  * NINA THE SNOW LEOPARD - Jahled writes, "Kerry
  came to the Trust today to meet the snow
  leopard named after Nina."
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10129709

  * HOW MUCH HEROIN WILL KILL YOU? - chris
  monkboy writes, "As a scientist, I, and no
  doubt thousands of other scientists will be
  informing you that virtually every chemical
  that you can buy has an MSDS sheet available to
  go with it. In answer to your question, a
  typical lethal dose for heroin would be about
  7.82 mg per KG." He also suggests you look up
  Ethanol for some very dry lols.
http://www.lookchem.com/HEROIN/


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * GOVERNMENT WARNINGS ON NEWS STORIES - like
  how much saturated bullshit there is per 100
  grams.

  * iPHONE LICKERS - "I think you should set a
  competition for people with an iPhone and who
  can text the fastest with their tongue," says
  Donkey Gums.

  * A BUTTON TO ROUND UP A TWITTER HATE MOB -
  always useful if you want to hound some poor
  bastard into insanity.

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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-------------------------------------------------

  THANKS:
  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by
  bennyhillslovechild, Jonhorsley,
  williamtheblood, scaryduck, Cakie, King of
  Beers, Monkey Tennis, Simon Pegg,  coax_k,
  Sn0tters. Top Tippery by  Amorous Badger.
  Additional linkage and image challenge by
  Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  Subjlols via monkeon.
  
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  TOP TIP:
  Is b3ta blocked by your company's Hitler-like
  web filter? Get on with some work then, you lazy
  cunt.

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