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NEWSLETTER: "NOT AS POSH AS THE TIMES, BUT AT LEAST IT'S FUCKING FREE"

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This Week:
* CARTOON - Stephen Fry!
* SURPRISE - Ninja cat attack
* COCKS - on lady celebs

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |  
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |     "We're shaving our
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       legs... together"

B3ta dog shit 434 - 2 July 2010

Read this issue as a PDF on iBook via Ttunes?!
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue435/

  Sexy people:    b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
     BASTARDS:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
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: SPONSORED LINK
  70,000 people were there. Were you?

  Enjoy Glastonbury? Find & tag yourself in
  Orangeís HUGE photo of the Pyramid Stage crowd
  at Glastonbury with GlastoTag. Or just do a bit
  of crowd-spotting and take a look at everyone,
  all zoomed-in and up-close.
http://tinyurl.com/3383f48
 

  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Other than eating belly button fluff

  >> Stephen Fry <<
  "Ugh, three screens is doing my head in a bit,"
  groans Jonti, from his triangular cocoon of
  pornography. But it hasn't stopped him
  producing this marvellous celebration of
  national treasure Stephen Fry Esq. The joy of
  doing anything about Mr Stephen on the internet
  is, of course, that he'll know about it within
  10 minutes.
http://www.weebls-stuff.com/songs/Stephen+Fry/


  >> Awkward Pauses <<
  "I've started this blog," begins monkeon. "It
  was going to just be a collection of O-faces,
  but became about gurning and grimacing to make
  it a bit more varied." He screen caps youTube
  vids to capture the precise moment a celeb
  looks stupidest.
http://awkward-pauses.blogspot.com/


  >> Granny's Handbag <<
  List song specialist Koit tackles classic
  memory game Granny's Handbag.
http://www.highasakoit.co.uk/flash/Grannys.html


  >> BT Total Broadband <<
  Rusty Shackleford's quick and dirty bash at
  that annoying BT commercial has you saying hello
  to an old internet friend. NSFW.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/BT_Total_Broadband


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: STANDON MUSIC FESTIVAL 
  A nice sponsored linky. Yay!

  A festival where you dress up, suck off the
  girlfriend's dealer and get to try gourmet food
  to take the taste away. Think Glastonbury
  without the BBC, but with a nightclub in a
  cowshed, a swimming pool and some cool band
  that will win the Mercury prize next year.
  Stevie Wonder? Pfft. He can see anyway. Lying
  fuck.
http://tinyurl.com/3a5kayr


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Starting something you couldn't finish

  Last week we asked for things you'd started and
  simply couldn't finish. Click for Pooflake's
  epic story of a Pooflake without a Poo:
http://b3ta.com/questions/unfinishedbusiness/

  * SHED SHED SHED - "8 years ago I moved into a
  house and wanted to put up a shed at the end of
  the garden instead of the hill of soil and
  bricks and stuff that generations of lazy
  bastards had left there. YEAR 1: Occasionally
  go up to the end of the garden and look at the
  little hill, wishing it wasn't there. YEAR 2:
  Start Work!. Spend 2 hours digging into the
  hill. Realise this is a big job. Stop for
  Lunch. YEAR 3: Occasionally go up to the end of
  the garden and look at the little hill, wishing
  it wasn't there. YEAR 4: Hire a mini-digger and
  remove the little hill, creating an unusual
  raised lawn in another part of the garden.
  Measure up for the shed, it's all systems go.
  YEAR 5: Think about putting a base down. YEAR
  6: Think some more about putting a base down.
  YEAR 7: Get a builder to put a base down. YEAR
  8: Iíve ordered the shed! 10x12 feet of manly
  hidey-hole, It's coming in two weeks and I
  can't tell you how excited I am. Only took 2
  more years than the London Olympics project."
  (Ring Of Fire)
     
  * WORK WORK WORK - "In order to make me be more
  organised, my boss made me keep a diary of what
  I was working on and how long tasks were
  taking, so we could see how to improve things.
  When we sat down at the end of the week to
  review it, I had to admit that I'd only managed
  to keep it updated for the first morning, and
  that read: + 9am-9:30am - meeting with boss
  about diary + 9:30am-1pm - general admin-ish
  stuff. I think they pretty much gave up on me at
  that point." (SnowyTheRabbit)
     
  * PEEP PEEP PEEP - "Not one single thing, ever.
  Signed, M. Magnússon." (Galactic Yeti)


  >> This Week's Question: Anal <<
  We'd like your OCD habits and rituals. Turn
  round three times and talk to us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/habits/


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Your Freedumb <<
  The government's half-arsed vox pop 'Your
  Freedom' website yields some Speak Your Brains
  gems.
http://yourfreedumb.tumblr.com/


  >> Lady celebs with huge man-penises <<
  Godferry dribbles, "OMG lady celebs with
  cocks!" Reminds us of the links we used to send
  into popbitch in about 2000 and worth it for
  the wtf value of "Sarah Palin fucking Tina Fey
  in the ass."
http://kinkyjimmy.thumblogger.com/


  >> Heroin addiction comic book <<
  Bought an iPad this week and realised it was
  great for reading comics and then thought, "I
  really want to read a comic about heroin
  addiction" and found this:
http://www.ep.tc/hooked/


  >> Price Tag Fails <<
  Not actually fails. Bored retail staff place
  price tags to cause maximum hilarity.
http://snurl.com/99plols


  >> Office rebellion infographic <<
  Useful safety diagram showing the expected
  development of the desk drones finally snapping
  and throwing off their shackles.
http://www.somethingrotten.dk/wp-content/anarchy.jpg


  >> Spoof Railtrack <<
  When Railtrack went tits up a while back, it
  allowed this forward-thinking joker to quickly
  register his own company as 'Railtrack Ltd'.
  Now he gets to mercilessly wind up the defunct
  rail company's creditors, debt collectors and
  solicitors.
http://www.fitlads.net/tmp/railtrack.pdf


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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
  Pets in Cast

  Remember the Britpop band Cast? Well they're
  back and they've replaced John Powers with a
  kitten! Brilliant. All together now in a scouse
  accent, "walk away walk away, if dog starts a
  fight walk away." Oh casts not Cast. Ho hum.
http://www.petsincasts.com


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Like TV but without the pages from Ceefax

  >> Super Fast Ninja Cat Attack <<
  There's a cat in a closed box; how do you tell
  if it's alive or dead? Here's how. 
http://www.b3ta.com/links/SUPER_FAST_NINJA_CAT_ATTACK


   >> Life of a pet AT-AT <<
  Aww so cute - he thinks he's a dog. The
  squirrel-chasing scene was a nice touch. 
http://www.b3ta.com/links/A_day_in_the_life_of_a_pet_AT_AT


  >> Freaky fish <<
  Recently-decapitated, skinned and gutted
  dogfish return from the dead to frighten a
  hapless cook and make us feel sick. The reason,
  of course, is Science: Adding salt caused the
  fishes' muscles to start flexing.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=khW3nLG_xoY


  >> Richard Whiteley Countdown Gotcha <<
  Old readers will remember what loathsome cunt
  Noel Edmunds was on his House Party show -
  however this clip also shows what beautifully
  engineered pranks they occasionally pulled off.
  There must have been someone very smart working
  on the production team as we simply can't
  credit this to Noel. 
http://snurl.com/countdowngotcha


  >> 100 greatest movie insults of all time <<
  Some absolute classics made it in here,
  including "cock-juggling thunder-cunt". Lots
  and lots of Joe Pesci.
http://snurl.com/100bestinsults


  >> Covers band play Abbey Road Medley <<
  If you've got 18 minutes spare this afternoon
  then sit back and listen to The Fab Faux tackle
  side two of Abbey Road. Great music played by
  great musicians who are only a teeny, tiny bit
  less cool-looking than The Beatles.
http://snurl.com/shabbyroad


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: FUNNY NAME CORNER 
  Like a dog with two cocks

  * WIKILOLS - stuartcolebrook writes, "I was
  reading the Wikipedia article on Ned Kelly and
  a couple of bits made me chuckle, particularly
  the name of the Chinese pig farmer he assaulted
  as a lad. I'll leave you to discover it
  yourself."
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ned_Kelly

  * UNLIKELY AUTHOR - benseviltwin apologises,
  "Sorry, one for the funny names corner, but
  this has to be the king of all"
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B0007FGT7Q/b3ta-21


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Littlejohn Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to photoshop mighty
  scribe Richard Littlejohn

  Your favourites included:
 
  * FILTH - sickened and disgusted by the image
  challenge itself (The Hedgehog From Hell)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10101009

  * SHINING - a dangerous psychopath at a
  typewriter. Sound familiar? (Monkeon)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10103463

  * DOGS - how different papers see the same
  story. An oldie, but a goodie nonetheless
  (Checkinguponmeagain?)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10104350

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/richardlittlejohn/


  >> New challenge: Giraffes <<
  Giraffes are brilliant. Show us what it would
  be like if they lived in human society. Or
  doing anything else. We don't care. Because
  giraffes are brilliant.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/giraffes/


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories

  * RIPPING OFF VENDING MACHINES - simonski
  writes, "As a young man I lived in a bedsit
  where the gas fire ran off a coin meter.
  Solution? Slab of plasticine-form impressions
  of 50p pieces - fill with water and freeze.
  Result? Free gas and a confused landlady with
  an empty, rusty coin box. (The electric was
  even easier - you could undo the padlock with
  a teaspoon)."

  * TREE SCIENCE - randallbart writes, "Trees are
  not reflective in infrared, they glow in
  infrared. Not your fault because you just
  repeated the treehugger said, but it's not
  reflectivity, it's incandescence." This made me
  curious enough to look it up - and we know
  Wikipedia isn't the best source going - but it
  reckons ..."the "Wood Effect," an effect mainly
  caused by foliage (such as tree leaves and
  grass) strongly reflecting in the same way
  visible light is reflected from snow. There
  is a small contribution from chlorophyll
  fluorescence, but this is marginal and is not
  the real cause of the brightness seen in
  infrared photographs." Anyone who understands
  magic tree science want to settle this?
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Infrared_photography

  * BROWSING LOOKING LIKE WORK - fishsticks
  writes, "Re: McClairey's request for a web
  browser that makes it look like you're working.
  Ghostzilla did just that when it was available.
  It basically made websites look like Excel/Word
  etc. It's discontinued now, but there is
  GhostFox, a FireFox addon that does much the
  same. It drifts in and out of compatibility
  with Firefox though, so you might have to tweak
  some settings to get it to work."
https://addons.mozilla.org/en-US/firefox/addon/2278/

  * Whereas moogthedog recommends, "I found this
  'Magic Boss Key' application that also mutes
  the sound when you hit the key combination."
http://www.magictweak.com/freeutil/magicboss/magicboss.php


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: FRIDAY GAME
  The IT Crowd Game

  Our ginger Fuhrer and Matt Round have been hard
  at work producing a game for Channel 4 to
  promote the IT Crowd comedy show. May contain
  references to Keyboard Cat:
http://snurl.com/itcrowdgame

  BTW: orca_biscuits delightfully asks, "Where
  the fuck was the Friday game, you ginger cunt?"
  Sorry about that but if people don't send them
  in then we don't run them, and we're too proud
  simply to lift the current highest-rated game
  from Kongregate.


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  This week we're obsessed with spunk and want
  cummy projects:

  * DRINKING COW SEMEN - a friend has just moved
  into an office owned by an artificial
  insemination company - they're selling "Semen
  Royalty Bull" for £40 + VAT. Buy some and drink
  it for youTube lols.

  * COME ON YOUR iPAD - you should download porn
  and then wank onto the screen of your shiny,
  wipable iPads - if only to prove by example how
  wrong Steve Jobs is when he says his tech
  represents "Freedom from porn". Actually email
  Jobs and see if you get one of his terse and
  grumpy little missives back.

  * THE CUM RACE - Every day wank into a pot and
  the end of the month upload your pic to the
  internet. The person who's produced the most
  semen gets a free book from Amazon from us to
  the value of £5.99.
  
  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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  THANKS:
  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Ptolemy, jleyden,
  danielbevis, Mark McD, 31eeweep, nmkl pkjl
  ftmch, Funt, Godferry, something cuddly and
  cute, Herb Alpert's Taxi driver, mystery bob,
  murrayjame5, and Pew Pew Pew! Lasers!
  Additional linkage and image challenge by
  Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  sickilols via davecrocket. Subjlol via Halibut.
  

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  Predictive text is for aunts.

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