we love the web
email us
NEWSLETTER: "THE ONE YOU READ WHILE PRETENDING IT'S THE WAITROSE NEWSLETTER #MIDDLECLASSNIGHTMARES"

next issue »
« previous issue

This Week:
* VEITCH - Makes us laugh despite ourselves
* QUIZ - On books. You love books.
* QUESTION - What professions do you hate the most?

-------------------------------------------------
________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       web... together"

B3ta email 430 - 28 May 2010

Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue430/

       Subscribe:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
         Unsub:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
-------------------------------------------------

: SPONSORED LINK
  Purple Dr Martin boots
  
  As we're shit at flogging ads - the last thing
  Mrs Fuhrer bought on Amazon was a pair of
  purple Dr Martin boots. They look pretty mental
  and are getting a Marmite reaction with her
  public, plus we've taken to calling her wardrobe
  "the dressing up box."
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B0016N1PF4/b3ta-21  
  
    >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  It's like basket weaving for digital mentals

  >> Diamonds in my poo <<
  "I may have diamonds in my poo," claims an
  amazingly glammed-up Joel Veitch, "It seems to
  be quite likely." Yay - this is our favourite
  thing of Joel's for ages and we put it down to
  the inspirational love of his brand new shed.
http://b3ta.com/links/I_may_have_diamonds_in_my_poo


  >> Judge a book by its cover <<
  "Can you tell if a book is any good just by
  looking at its cover?" asks enigmatic Rico
  Monkeon. Judge for yourself with this quiz,
  where you try to guess which of two books got
  five star reviews on amazon. Below 50% you
  should probably rethink a career in publishing.
http://www.monkeon.co.uk/judgeabook/


  >> Mini Groove Armada <<
  "We got asked to make a low budget video for
  Groove Armada's 'Look Me In The Eye Sister',"
  explains tedriley74. "We subsequently spent a
  lot of late nights sticking mini models to some
  fake grass. Hope you like."
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Mini_Groove_Armada


  >> Picture Consequences on your computer <<
  "Remember that game where you draw a head, fold
  over the paper and then someone else draws the
  body and folds it over and so on?" questions
  ithinkanddo. "...Then you open it up and
  usually have either a really cool drawing or
  total crap that doesn't make any sense?" Here's
  a digital version that you can play via email
  or by harassing your facebook and twitter
  chums to help you out.
http://www.drawandfoldover.com/


  >> Free Adam Ant costume <<
  "Today my friends and I sent Adam Ant some get
  well postcards to his new hotel," says geetoo.
  "To commemorate the occasion I made a Create
  Your Own Adam Ant costume kit." You may need
  adult supervision for the more elaborate bits.
http://snurl.com/duranduranmask


  >> UGLY BLOKE REVEALS FACE <<
  If you've caught the Bête de Jour blog, then
  you'll know all about Stan Cattermole’s blog
  about his life as an ugly man. The cult read
  has taken him from losing his virginity to a
  disabled lady, to appearing on GMTV with a bag
  on his head. Well, we've got a little secret,
  we know who Stan is. We used to work with him a
  couple of years back and he's just got in touch
  to tell us he's planning on making a grand
  reveal on Sunday and finally showing his face
  to the world. He writes, "It's been a very weird
  two years. I'm really glad it's all over. I'm
  having a party on June 4th. In a pub. You
  should come. Invite all your readers."
http://betedejour.blogspot.com


-------------------------------------------------

: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Good Advice

  No offence, but the internet is one of the last
  places we'd look for advice, yet last week's
  question has collected some lovely bits of
  digital hand-holding for the tentative:
http://b3ta.com/questions/goodadvice/

  * PUMPKINS ARE EVIL - "Once, when I was a student,
   I had to take a pumpkin to a Halloween party.
   On foot. 3 miles. Don’t ask. This pumpkin was
   HUGE; it was a pumpkin in need of a gastric
   by-pass. To avoid back strain, I cunningly
   devised straps so that I could wear like a
   rucksack. Clever girl. Leaving my room, straining
   against my ponderous burden, I locked my door
   and dropped my keys between my feet. I speedily
   bent forwards to pick them up... WHACK!
   Darkness... My pumpkin counterweight had swung
   forwards off my shoulders and cracked me across
   the back of the head, rendering me unconscious
   for 3 hours. Slapstick: it can happen to YOU." 
   (HaHa!Snakes!)
     
  * BARRISTERS ARE EVIL TOO - "I wish I'd listened:
   Never marry a barrister. You will never win an
   argument for the rest of your married life...
   When she once said, 'I refer you to the comments
   you made on the 3rd of August.' in the heat of
   a row, I knew that any response I could ever
   give would be doomed to fail. The divorce wasn't
   that fun either. On the plus side I did use to
   play Zorro with her robes."
   (herd of chickens)
     
  * AND SO IS HOUSEWORK - "Fuck the housework
   and take the kids on a picnic. You've never
   heard anyone say, 'I had a brilliant childhood,
   the bathroom was always spotless...'"
   (twattybanjo)


  >> This Week's Question: Hated professions <<
  Which profession to you hate most? Surely you've
  paid some jumped-up twerp with a qualification
  far too much for far too little recently? Foam
  at the mouth here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/professions/


-------------------------------------------------

: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Doctor Who sex attack <<
  Blog on how the good Doctor was recently a
  victim of sexual assault and what your reaction
  to that says about you. You're probably a far
  worse person than you thought you were.
http://snurl.com/ohnerdsyoureallyarebusyarentyou


  >> Nudey CSS cleverness <<
  Clever bit of coding - it's all perfectly safe
  for work, until you select all of the text and
  colour is applied to each letter.
http://fichtre.net/yop.html


  >> Photos of dead Victorian children <<
  Strange, haunting images of dead Victorian
  children. Apparently it was common practice
  back in those days. Of course, everybody in a
  Victorian photograph is dead by now so your
  mileage may vary.
http://snurl.com/challengingwankmaterial


  >> Inappropriate children's books <<
  An artist from Pixar has made a set of
  children's book illustrations, each a film
  adaptation that's highly inappropriate for
  kids. Can you guess them all? We were kind of
  stuck on number 4.
http://snurl.com/sortoffunnyishmaybe


  >> Caitlin Moran interviews Lady Gaga <<
  Journalist Caitlin Moran went and got drunk
  with Lady Gaga and now they are best friends
  forever and braid each others' hair. Also, she
  got a very informative interview out of it.
  Very, very informative.
http://snurl.com/caitlinisfromwolverhampton


  >> The big caption <<
  Stories from the news with a great big caption
  slapped on top. This could easily be the future
  of the newspaper cartoon.
http://thebigcaption.com/


  >> Awesome review of Sex and the City 2 <<
  We're not sure at what point this brilliantly
  spiteful review jumps the rails and ploughs on
  into bile-fuelled fantasy. Maybe it's all true
  - in which case, we may go see SATC2, if only
  to make ourselves enjoyably sick with contempt
  (and popcorn).
http://snurl.com/wouldntwithyours


-------------------------------------------------

: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
  Bean-cat
 
  "So, my flatmate's cat decided that my
  boyfriend's beanbag was as good a place as any
  to pee, meaning that it had to be washed,"
  explains none. "So my flatmate dumped the beans
  into the bathtub and went to throw it in the
  wash. When he came back, Lily was sniffing
  around the tub, so he put her in it, expecting
  her to get scared and jump out. Instead, this
  is what she did..." while defecating
  uncontrollably.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ySwYPoY8e7A


-------------------------------------------------

: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Like TV but with not cabinet that looks like books

  >> The pianowl <<
  The wondrous pianowl neither resembles an owl,
  nor sounds like a piano but here are
  instructions on how to make one for yourself.
http://snurl.com/birdsarefunny


  >> Rap Against Rape <<
  It's not all musical fun and games in the world
  of Irish hip-hop; there's a serious message
  too. Don't go out raping. It's wrong. Fashion
  fans may like to note that this is how they did
  retro back in the Nineties.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Rap_Against_Rape


  >> Pixel art documentary <<
  Interesting examination of the pixel art and
  chip tune scene and how 3D is just a fad -
  8-bit forever!  
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7mqAZ06dwKU


  >> Kung Fu Bear <<
  Can this really be real? Our first thought was
  surely it's a bloke in a suit. Second thought -
  bears can't actually be shit and clumsy at
  everything or they'd die in the wild. Anyway,
  prepare to disbelieve your eyes.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Bear_FU


  >> Batshit-crazy I Will Always Love You <<
  Slow start, but this Whitney Houston lip-sync
  act at a Filipino talent competition rapidly
  turns into something very, very different and
  quite scary.
http://snurl.com/omgmentals


-------------------------------------------------

: FUNNY NAME CORNER 
  Suicide would be preferable

  * Daffydil writes, "for the oh-so-hilarious
  names corner - Can I offer you a jizzachino,
  sir?"
http://www.bj-coffee.ch/ 

  * BUGGER GRIPS - recently a friend mentioned
  they were launching a product - 'grips for
  laptops' and we suggested renaming them bugger
  grips and selling them for the iPad. The silly
  fool only went and listened to us: 
http://www.buggergrips.co.uk/


-------------------------------------------------

: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Olympic Mascot Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to mock Wenlock &
  Mandeville, London's foolish Olympic mascots

  Your favourites included:
 
  * EYES - the planning committee didn't
  have to look far for the perfect pair
  of one-eyed goons (finbar)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10057931

  * CCTV - cutting urban satire wrapped up
  in a black cloak of irony (HappyToast)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10055586

  * FLAME - possibly the greatest debut
  post in the history of great debut posts
  (eatcrayons)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10063263


  All these images, and the highest as
  voted by you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/olympicmascots/


  >> New challenge: Animated Albums <<
  We found a load of animated versions of
  classic album covers on the internet, but
  we reckon you can do better. So fire up 
  Photoshop, select a sleeve, and animate. 
  Animate HARD.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/animatedalbums/


-------------------------------------------------

: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * MAKE VIZ TOP TIPS REAL - Itsallaboutcake
  asks, "Can b3ta make this? @VizTopTips: WALL'S.
  Expand your pork & ice cream empire with a
  range of meaty 'Breakfast Viennettas'."	 
			
  * NEW SHIT IPHONE APPS - RedPixelle ask, "How
  about a LOLCrap app that adds a random shit
  caption to every photo?"

  * 100-MINUTE EDIT OF LOST -  Andeh pleads, "can
  someone edit together the most important 100
  minutes of the whole 6 series into a feature
  length film that still makes sense?"

  * TYPING MAN-HOURS LOST - starsnip asks, "Was
  just wondering, due to having to type in www
  and . all the time. Anyone got any idea how
  many times the www or the . is typed in
  throughout the world in any given day?"


  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


-------------------------------------------------

  Subscribe:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
  Unsubscribe:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

-------------------------------------------------

  THANKS:
  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Damocles, Manic,
  Hellzapoppin, imsosorry, Labia Majora Jolly
  Rogered, BadBadman, ccc. Top Tippery by
  sandettie light vessel automatic. Additional
  linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
  Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Sickilols via 
  vilification. Subjlols via Griffy Savalas.

-------------------------------------------------

: UNTESTED TOP TIPS THAT SOUND DANGEROUS:

  Do you have really hard cracked skin on your
  heels? Use an electric sander on your feet. Use
  a medium grain sandpaper. It gets a bit warm
  and creates a lot of very fine white dust, but
  works perfectly.

-------------------------------------------------

  From the 70s sexism corner that is sickipedia,
  "Iron Man is a superhero. Iron Woman is a
  command."
http://www.sickipedia.org/

next issue »
« previous issue