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NEWSLETTER: "MAY CONTAIN JOKES ABOUT THE BUDGET, BY PEOPLE WHO DON'T KNOW ECONOMICS"

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This Week:
* AWKWARD - Rob's football song
* IGNORANT - Your tales of naivety
* INCEST - in Star Wars

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |    "We're wanking on
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      chatroulette
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|      ...together"

B3ta email 421 - 26 Mar 2010

Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue421/

       Subscribe:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
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: SPONSORED LINK
  Win a Timex 80 Rainbow Watch!

  WatchGeezer features the most wickedest watches
  available for da geezers. Competition ends
  Sunday!
http://www.watchgeezer.co.uk/2010/b3ta/


  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Sport, Chat, Drugs and Lou Lou

  >> Two Kittens Chatting - Translated <<
  "So, I watched this vid today," explains Slurpy
  J, "and decided to use Adobe Cat Translator Pro
  to see what they were really saying... Turns
  out Dave the dog is a bit filthy."
http://snurl.com/twocatchat


 >> David Dimbleby gets mashed up* <<
 "*only in a video sense," reassures
 matt_loves_comedy. The legendary BBC broadcaster
 gets off his face, in this mischievous
 documentary re-edit.
http://b3ta.com/links/David_Dimbleby_gets_mashed_up


  >> Don't bring Lou Lou <<
  The Twisted Omentum's singing, dancing cats
  bring back the spirit of the Roaring Twenties,
  with this lovely comic song. Great bit of
  Charleston too.
http://b3ta.com/links/Dont_bring_Lou_Lou


  >> I Feel Awkward When Blokes Talk Sport <<
  Your ginger Fuhrer writes -"Mushy Bees stuck up
  a Facebook post mentioning that every 4 years
  he gets commissioned to do a World Cup video
  despite having little interest in the subject.
  This made me wonder what my World Cup song
  would be? So I tried to tell my truth rather
  than go 'yay! footie!'" Video starring drawings
  by Mrs Fuhrer.
http://b3ta.com/links/I_Feel_Awkward_When_Blokes_Talk_Sport


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Amazing displays of ignorance

  Last week we asked for your tales of the stupid,
  From people who don't know that alt+f4 speeds
  up your browser to Allisade's awesome, sleep
  deprived odyssey to Bath, it's all here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/stupidity/

  * STRAWBERRY - "Back when I still needed to be
    accompanied to public lavatories by my dad, I
    went to wash my hands then asked my dad if I
    could have a sweetie from the vending machine
    on the wall. "Err, those aren't sweets, son."
    "So why are they strawberry flavoured?" A voice
    from a cubicle piped up with, "Good luck
    explaining that one, mate!"
    (Redalien)
     
  * CHILLI - "One day, Manni asked out of the blue
    what the name of the hottest pepper known to
    mankind was. Poor Manni. He didn't stand a
    chance as I happily spoonfed him the utter
    bullshit that the hottest pepper known to
    mankind is in fact the Morningwood Bellend
    pepper. About 6" to 8" long, girth variable,
    pinkish in colour with a purple tip, and, if
    handled correctly, produces about a teaspoonful
    of seeds. And I told him they sold it in the
    Morrisons round the corner. And off he toddled.
    And then returned, about half an hour later,
    blushing, and loudly calling me a bastard to
    all who would listen."
    (jim_bob)

  * ID - "All alone in the big bad London and I
    was getting my first fridge delivered. Charged
    by my Dad's advice of not letting anyone in
    without ID, I asked the delivery man if he had
    any. "Yes," he replied, "your fucking fridge."
    (allthatglittersisglitter)

  >> This Week's Question <<
  How clean is your house? Tell us about squalid
  homes or obsessive cleaners:
http://b3ta.com/questions/filth/


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> 30 best print ads <<
  Enjoyable gallery of clever, funny images from
  print advertising. Oh print, we'll miss you
  when you're gone.
http://snurl.com/30funnyprintads


  >> Alien vs. Pooh <<
  Utterly charming sci-fi horror revisit to the
  Hundred Acre Wood, with Pooh, Piglet,
  Chestburster and all their friends.
http://godxiliary.com/alienvspooh/Medium/


  >> Eating off The People's Princess <<
  Pics of half-eaten dinners on Princess Diana
  memorial plates. Funny, slightly nauseating.
http://eatingoffthepeoplesprincess.tumblr.com/


  >> "Nowhere in the Bible does Jesus have a sword fight" <<
  The return of crank email man David Thorne.
  This time it's the school chaplain who feels
  the sting of David's 'send mail' button.
http://www.27bslash6.com/easter.html


  >> Anatomy of a hashtag: #cashgordon <<
  Nice graphical rendition of the Conservative
  party's hugely embarrassing 2-hour dabble with
  social media.
http://snurl.com/cashgordon


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Like a flickbook of gameboy cameras ON ACID

  >> Burnistoun - 2 litre bottle of ginger <<
  We caught this comedy show on the iPlayer this
  week - excellent stuff, though it appears to
  only be on proper telly if you live in Scotland.
http://snurl.com/bottleofginger


  >> Lady Gaga - Telephone <<
  A parody of that ubiquitous Lady Gaga vid, done
  by blokes from the north of England. Think we
  can leave it at that.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Lady_Gaga_Telephone


  >> US conservative girl's protest song <<
  Poe's Law states that at a certain level of
  ridiculousness, it's impossible to tell whether
  something's a parody or not. This fails so
  hard. Or it's brilliant.
http://snurl.com/theydontreallycare


  >> Pilipinas Got Talent <<
  The best transvestite horse impression ever!
  Frankly, the Filipino version of this show
  pisses all over ours. Also, Filipino Simon
  Cowell is nicer.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Pilipinas_Got_Talent


  >> Incestual Undertones in Star Wars <<
  Han Solo finally twigs.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Incestual_Undertones_in_Star_Wars


  >> 'Adventures of a Lady's Butt' <<
  Music video that entirely centres around
  watching an animated girl's bottom as she walks
  away. Hypnotic.
http://www.boredville.com/31753/The-Adventures-of-a-Ladys-Butt


  >> Cleaning a vintage Ferrari <<
  We did not see where this was going.
http://snurl.com/vintage_ferrari


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: FUNNY NAME CORNER 
  Now 100% less funny and it's official!

  * INTENTIONALLY PHALLIC LOGO - Somehow they
  manage to pull this off.
http://www.londonspermbank.com/index.html

  * BUTT DRUGS - These guys go around making
  funny little internet ads for local businesses.
  Here's what they did for a chemist.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oYYdF0zcuSI&feature=related

  * AJ SPLATT - wrote a paper about the urethra.
  (Thx Dr Ben Goldacre)
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/7195759

  * THE STORY HE WAS BORN TO WRITE - All over the
  internet and too perfect to be true. BTW:
  Seeing as The Times is about to go behind a
  paywall this story might be their last thing
  that ever goes viral. *makes internet sad face*
http://snurl.com/byebyetimeslols


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: TUBEWHACKS 
  Words contained in only one tube name
  
  Last week we were banging on about this
  bored-on-the-tube game people play and
  you send in some of your favourites:

  * "I sat opening the site just now, and my
    other half looked across. I explained what it
    is, and completed the sentence 'well it's
    pretty much completely...' with typing in
    'POINTLESS'. Needless to say my very first
    word on the site created a TubeWhack. Bobs
    yer uncle, it's Archway." (MCQ)

  * "Shepherds Bush is the only station that
    doesn't contain any letters from the word
    'cottaging'. Amazing." (Ash)
 
  * "Through intensive research using that
    TubeWhacker thingy I have found that the made
    up word "anushole" has at least one letter in
    every London Tube station name." (bogeypie)

  * "Only one tube station contains none of the
    letters in 'Brazilian'. On typing that word
    in, just like in real life, 'Brazilian' trims
    everything except for 'Mudchute'. It put me
    off my tea." (Drivelcast)
    
  * "...and only Acton Town doesn't contain any
    letters from 'kiddyfiddler' - not entirely
    sure what that proves, but it's a novel
    twist." (concurrency)


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Awesome Art Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to make art more
  awesome, and you entered about a billion pics.
  This was the biggest uptake we've had for a
  challenge in living memory.

  Your favourites included:
 
  * MONDRIAN - this image makes us feel somewhat
    sick (custard)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9971945

  * HIRST - the famous Brit-art shark makes
    its inevitable appearance (clapnonista)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9968036

  * HULK - wrestling superstar Hogan crops
    up in Hellish scenarios (emvee)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9969646

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/makeartmoreawesome/


  >> New challenge: Memequake! <<
  MEMEQUAKE! Take images that are popular on b3ta
  or the internet in general, and combine them to
  create as much meme action as you can muster.
  Make them amazing
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/memequake/


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * SAUSAGE 2.0 - sausageit writes, "Your last
  newsletter caught my interest when mentioning
  the game of replacing words in things with
  'sausage' A group of us invented a similar
  game, involving replacing words with cornflake,
  which was extermely funny at the time. Jurassic
  Cornflake being a highlight... Anyway, it
  inspired me to create a site, dunno if its what
  you had in mind! Its pretty simple, but looks a
  bit Web 2.0, and has twitter involved......
http://www.mintfresh.me.uk/sausageit/

  * DID B3TA FOOL THE RADIO? - alspicer writes,
  "Putting your clocks forward... Not that I
  listen to Radio2 as a rule, but my mum likes
  it. I was sipping a cup of her unmatched tea
  when I overheard Steve Wright In The Afternoon
  apologising for having erroneously told his
  listeners to put their clocks forward. Do you
  really want Steve Wright reading B3ta? I think
  he should be blocked."

  * JOEL IS LISTED AS OFFICIALLY ANNOYING -
  Shazzoir from Australia writes, "Argh! Joel
  Veitch's Spong Monkeys made No. 9 in the Top 13
  'Most annoying ad characters', but the dick
  writing the article spelled their name wrong in
  the listing!  D'oh!"
http://snurl.com/veitchy


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: FRIDAY GAME
  Time Snail!

  Impress your pub chums with snail facts:

  * A snail's anus is situated above its head and
    it can literally shit on its own neck

  * The snail has a "everted penis" which means
    it's inside out and you shouldn't google for
    pics as it made us feel a little sick

  * Snails are completely deaf so don't mind if
    you call them a "spazzy, one-footed cunt minge"
  
  Or play this amazing Time Snail game:
http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/games/timesnail


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * ANSWERS TO MAX'S  QUESTION, "I have an
  annoying house-mate and he is really pissing me
  off. He bangs doors when he comes in at night,
  he monopolises the television and takes over the
  sitting room, blows his nose in the hallway and
  other generally annoying stuff. I was wondering
  if you could ask your readers is there anything
  I can do to deal with him or maybe get rid of
  him altogether."

  * BLIND FROGGER - You play a visually-impaired
  frog and you have to cross a motorway. So
  basically the whole game works with headphones
  and bleeping stereo sound.

  * SLUGGER - Again like Frogger but you play a
  slug that's too slow to cross the insanely fast
  cars on the motorway. You win by eventually
  realising you can press down and go off and
  live your days in a field and raise little slug
  children and not bother with the motorway at
  all. As WOPR said in War Games, "The only
  winning move is not to play."


  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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  THANKS:
  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by @dianainheaven,
  wallop, lennym, ben goldacre, Vulva,
  jimkopelli, Peter Davison, Meg Pickard,
  barryheadwound, intesvensk, MrA, planearm,
  iainhasaface, Redsushi! Whoop! Whoop! and
  mrmonkfish. Subjlos via Wasp Box and emvee.
  Additional linkage and image challenge by
  Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  Sickijoke via nobscratcher .
  
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  TOP TIP:

  Holding doors open for ladies will allow you
  to see more ladies' bums. (MrOli)

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  Funny how a self-examination for testicular
  cancer easily turns into a wank.
http://www.sickipedia.org/

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