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NEWSLETTER: "I'M WEARING A BLUE BRA LOL"

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This Week:
* ANIM - Fast-paced sketch show
* VINTAGE - past-times print ads
* MASHUP - Usher and a goat

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |     "We're CTRL+Sing the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       web... together"

B3ta email 410 - 8 Jan 2010

Also available on Metal Compact Cassette 
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue410/

       Winners:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
       Quitter:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
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: "SPONSORED" LINK
  Books we read this Xmas

  As it's January and we haven't organised
  ourselves to sell any proper advertising -
  here's a quick list of books we read over Xmas.
  They're mostly music ones - we especially
  recommend The Last Mad Surge of Youth by Mark
  Hodkinson.
http://snurl.com/robsbooks


  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Big section because there's a backlog of stuff

  >> Asdfmovie II <<
 "Animated by me, created by my friend, says
 Scrambled Edd of this quickfire animated sketch
 show. Unflagging pace and inventiveness.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/asdfmovie2


  >> Letter to Anjem Choudary <<
  B3tan Dan Bull's heartfelt appeal to
  publicity-hungry Muslim lawyer Anjem Choudary.
  "After seeing all the fury at the planned march
  in Wootton Bassett, I thought I'd respond with
  something a little more civilised," says
  rapper Dan. 
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Letter_to_Anjem_Choudary


  >> Nebulon-B frigate. In LEGO <<
  "I thought it was going to break during the
  build a couple of times," explains mediocre,
  "So I'm proud that I actually managed it." 'It'
  is a gigantic Lego version of one of the more
  obscure Star Wars spaceships. Mightily
  impressive and had us going "Cor" and peering
  at the photos for ages.
http://www.mocpages.com/moc.php/175408


  >> 7 Gigapixel image over London suburbs <<
  "Here's a large (just under 7 gigapixel) image
  taken from the top of Tolworth tower in
  Tolworth, SW Greater London," pipes wjh31.
  "It's comprised of approx 700 shots with Canon
  500D and 55-250IS @250, 400mm equiv." You can
  zoom in from miles away to spy on people's
  gardens like a voyeuristic eagle. Crazy that
  you can now pull this amazing stuff off with a
  sub-£500 camera.
http://lifeinmegapixels.com/location.php?location=tolworth


  >> Squid Eric <<
  Jaunty shanty from Joel and the boys tells the
  story of handsome Eric and his unusual
  squid-spinning skills. Last verse is
  particularly full of win.
http://www.rathergood.com/eric


  >> Birthday cats <<
  "This is a song and video produced for JibJab
  by me and Dave," sings Rob. "I thought up the
  rough idea for the video in Old Street tube
  station 1hr before the first Sickipedia night.
  I was waving my fingers around going, 'it could
  be like this!'
http://sendables.jibjab.com/sendables/203930/birthday_cats


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Sexism & Schadenfreude

  We had two questions over Christmas, and as
  ASCII is expensive this time of year, we'll
  save on characters and only pick our favourite
  two of each.

  >> Schadenfreude << 

  * BLIND-MAN CHICKEN - "I helplessly watched as
  two blind men wielding white canes walked smack
  bang into each other, both ending up on their
  arse. They simultaneously blustered, 'WATCH
  WHERE YOU'RE GOING, CAN'T YOU SEE I'M
  BLIND??!!'" (twattybanjo)
  
  * MY DAD, THE POND CUNT - "My dad once
  convinced my brother the frozen pond was OK to
  walk across 'look' he said "I did it earlier,
  you can see my footprints in the snow.'
  Unsurprisingly my brother stepped on the ice ,
  which gave way and landed him in a very cold
  pond. Turns out my dad had been up earlier and
  made footprints with a slipper on a stick."
  (camel-related incident)
  
  More stuff like this here:
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/schadenfreude/  

  >> Sexism, do your worst... <<
  
  * HOLDING DOORS OPEN - "I like holding doors
  open for both men and women particularly when
  they're just a little too far behind you and
  have to do that comedy little jog as they feel
  bad about holding you up. With women you get
  the added bonus of a jubbly jiggle."
  (pixel_fucker)

  * OLD GAGS ARE THE BEST - "A woman gets pissed
  at a party and starts masturbating in full view
  of everyone, that's sexy. I do the same thing
  and I'm looking at a court appearance, an entry
  on the sex offenders register and a community
  service order." (SpankyHanky)
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/sexism/


  >> This Week's Question: Vomit <<
  It's been nearly six years since we last asked
  about your worst vomit, so: Tell us tales of
  what went in, what came out and where it all
  went after that.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/vomit2/


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Collection of old print ads <<
  Kept us busy for longer than we thought -
  particularly amazed that Camel still run highly
  sexualised images to sell cigs in the 2000s. 
http://www.vintageadbrowser.com/


  >> Nic Cage as everyone <<
  Like a photoshopping compo from 2002 but still
  funny, if only for Nic as Michael Jackson.
http://niccageaseveryone.blogspot.com/


  >> Games vs. Cupcakes <<
  100 cupcakes (or fairy cakes as we call them in
  B3ta HQ) each decorated with an image from a
  game. And not just computer games but board
  games too. Cute.
http://www.steelheadstudio.com/100cupcakes/


  >> What if Star Wars had Facebook? <<
  Sticking gags into the facebook format is still
  amusing enough for us not to scream, "yeah
  yeah, think of a new joke."
http://themovieblog.com/2009/12/if-star-wars-had-facebook


  >> 50 Best Protest Signs of 2009 <<
  All the classics are here. Enjoyable ones
  include:
  * OMG gay sex is sooooo much better
  * Teabagging our way to equality
  and...
  * I'm a right-wing lunatic
  Frankly we reckon we're missing out not going
  protesting. Must remember to do that in 2010.
  Get the boarders to photoshop the signs, march
  with the best ones - it would be great.
http://www.buzzfeed.com/mjs538/the-50-best-protest-signs-of-2009/


  >> Why didn't we think of this? <<
  Handy instructions found on a camera on how to
  return the camera. 
http://www.theboredninja.com/pictures/lost-camera/


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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
  70 fluffs!

  One cute thing is a treat, while three is a
  feast. Push your blood sugar dangerously high
  with a collection of no less than 70 adorable
  baby animals frolicking, sleeping and peeping
  out from under wooly hats.
http://snurl.com/70fluffs


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Like CCTV but with sound

  >> Celebrity Lullabies <<
  Enjoyable appearance from Ricky Gervais on
  Sesame Street. BTW: We just bought some old
  Smash Hits yearbooks from eBay and enjoyably
  found Ricky's old band Seona Dancing referenced
  as people "you'll be hearing a lot more of in
  1984." The same feature mentions Madonna,
  Prince and err... Naked Eyes.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Celebrity_Lullabies_Ricky_Gervais


  >> Kitty is a very BAD Mystic <<
  Lovely exercise in feline voice dubbing.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Kitty_is_a_very_BAD_Mystic


  >> Best mashup ever: Usher and a goat <<
  We've just been reading the Usher page on
  Wikipedia and trying to think up a joke - the
  best we can come up with is the observation
  that his 2001 album 8701 refers to his
  contentious theory that a lady born in 1987
  becomes "ripe" in 2001.
http://snurl.com/ushergoat


  >> Excruciating Phantom Menace review <<
  "This work of critical genius breaks down the
  many failures of Episode 1 like an old chest of
  drawers," writes TommyShanks. To be honest, we
  were loath to watch this as it's an hour long
  and we've never seen Phantom Menace properly.
  (We saw the first half hour, went to make a cup
  of tea and didn't bother picking it up again.)
  However this is ace - particularly enjoyed the
  deconstruction of why films need a protagonist
  at the start. 
http://snurl.com/phantommenacebad


  >> How the Doctor Who tune was made <<
  Some of you may think modern electronic music
  was invented by Kraftwerk or Giorgio Moroder in
  the 70s, but as any good sci-fi fan knows, the
  real heavy lifting was done by Delia Derbyshire
  in 1963 - and here's how she did it:
http://snurl.com/deliadoesit


  >> Unfinished London aka Planning cockups <<
  "A rather b3taish historical documentary about
  how London planners messed up the Northern
  Heights Plan," explains g256. Extremely
  enjoyable, although doesn't mention one of our
  favourite points from the 'The Undercover
  Economist' book about how the green belt policy
  in London is a major factor in the stupidly
  inflated house prices we suffer from.
http://snurl.com/planningcockups


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: FUNNY NAME CORNER 
  Old-school phallic logo

  "This is a real estate company in my town,"
  chuckles fi5thelement. "I see these signs all
  over the place and immediately think of b3ta!"
  They must have thought long and hard before
  choosing that logo.
http://www.ceciltrahan.com/


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: THANKS FOR SHARING 
  Doggy lipstick
  
  From the b3ta mailbox, Brian writes - 
  
  "I was passing through a Pikey camp in the snow
  on Brighton seafront today and there, tied up,
  was this sweet little Jack Russell who was
  licking his parts (as they do).
  
  "As I passed I made a noise and he looked up.
  Then I saw it. It was too disturbing to
  photograph. I thought he was sitting on a stick
  of rhubarb. His doggy dick was about half the
  size of him. It was bigger than mine and he is
  a Jack Russell.
  
  "This has really freaked me out." We're freaked
  out too now, thanks Brian.


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Two weeks of challenges, food & maths  

  Before Christmas we wanted you to play with
  your food. Our faves include:

  * LEGO - everyone's favourite construction toy
  remade in 72% Venezeulan cacao (WiL)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9838016

  * CAKE - magnificent alchemy of brown, pink and
  yellow in this choco-sponge delight (Tagnut)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9838322

  * MONG - the perfect instant snack for
  feeble-minded fools (Jeccius)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9837963


  >> Xmas challenge: Maths<<
  To make Christmas a little more geeky we asked
  you to explain stuff using maths. Some of our
  favourites include:

  * THINK OF A NUMBER BETWEEN 1 AND 10 - thanks
  to Ravenous Bugblatter Beast for this bit of
  mental trickery.
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9849839
  
  * NOBODY LIKES THE SPORT QUESTIONS IN TRIVIAL
  PURSUITS DO THEY? Frankly it makes it a game of
  chance until someone gets asked something so
  easy the answer is Graham Gooch. (brianftang)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9849855
  
  * A GRIM "A CAN SMELL YOUR CUNT JOKE" - always
  a hit with the ladies, this one. (mofaha)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9850735  

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/frankensteinfoods/
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/maths/


  >> New challenge: alternative medicine <<
  We thought we'd crowd source new ideas for
  alternative medicine and therapy. So far our
  favourite entry is arse candles.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/alternativemedicine/


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * WD40 ON BOG LIDS - We claimed that pubs use
  it to stop people snorting powder in the bogs.
  Not so, says BelladonnaAnodyne. "People can be
  allergic to WD40 and if they innocently put
  their hand on top of the cistern and touch it
  they will die. Vaseline is the advised
  substance to use. In the words of our creepy
  health & safety seminar bloke whilst looking
  over the women in the room: "NOBODY is allergic
  to Vaseline..."

  * SPUNK/OBSTACLES - "Further to your recent
  coverage of [motivational book] 'Overcoming
  Obstacles with Spunk'," writes Matt, "I was
  delighted to quite literally come across the
  author's beautifully-named blog." Too perfect.
http://circleoffriendsbooks.blogspot.com/

  * IMODIUM ALTERNATIVES CONT. "Shit! (quite
  literally). I completely missed your asking for
  alternative runny bum cures a couple of weeks
  back," regrets Chris Townsend. "But really you
  need nothing more than codeine. It bungs you up
  like nothing else on Earth and if you take
  enough of it you can pretend you're on heroin.
  What's not to like?"


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: FRIDAY GAME
  Work and basketball
  
  >> Every Day the Same Dream <<
  Mellow, atmospheric soundtrack on this
  minimalist game, where you play a faceless
  office drone looking to escape from his humdrum
  routine. Like a tiny, bleaker version of
  Groundhog Day. 
http://snurl.com/everydaythesamedream


  >> Addictive basketball <<
  Simple basketball simulator, with an online
  competition element. Try to score as many goals
  as you can. Or whatever it is you do in
  basketball.
http://www.onlinegames.com/basketball/


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  This week we're reading Smash Hits Yearbook
  1984 and we're going to open it on random pages
  to get inspiration.

  * CROWD SOURCED HANDWRITING ANALYSIS - page 75
  has a sample of Boy George's scribbles and
  reckons he has an "unresolved emotional tie
  with his mother." What about something where you
  upload a sample of your writing and people vote
  on one type of mental you are?

  * DURAN DURAN SONGS - page 24 has a poster of
  Duran Duran. Why not re-write Hungry Like the
  Wolf to reflect Simon le Bon's love of dinner
  time? "My tummy is growly and I'm seeing red.
  Like wolves getting angry when they're not
  being fed. do do do do DO DO!" 

  * DIY NEW ROMANTIC FASHION - page 39 has
  Spandau Ballet in all their New Romantic pomp -
  frankly we think you could achieve a similar
  look from a few tea towels and some lippy. Get
  to it, b3tans! 

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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  THANKS:
  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by intesvensk,
  Hellzapoppin, Paper_clip, TommyShanks,
  Lord_Munkee, Michelle Obama's Stalker, Swany, 
  Sir Sand Goblin and Bob Todd. Additional
  linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
  Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Newsletter subjlols
  via drbroon. Other suggestions can be found on
  here:
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9864350
  

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  I organised a threesome last night... There
  were a couple of no-shows but I still had a
  good time. 	
http://www.sickipedia.org/

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