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NEWSLETTER: "I'M JOSEF FRITZL AND NO WINDOWS WAS MY IDEA."

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This Week:
* VIDS - Have a Hibbetty Christmas!
* PUNS - Are mightier than the swede
* NEIGHBOUR HATE - Passive Aggressive WiFi

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B3ta dog egg 408 - 11 Dec 2009

Reap what you sow puny human:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue408/

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: SPONSORED LINK
  Sonisphere festival 

  Iron Maiden, Rammstein, Motley Crue, Alice
  Cooper, Iggy and the Stooges, Slayer, The Cult
  and Anthrax are all going to rock Knebworth
  from Friday the 30th of July to Sunday the 1st
  of August 2010. Get your tickets before they
  sell out. C'mon. FUCKING Rammstein, man! They'll
  probably paint themselves blue and everything.
http://uk.sonispherefestivals.com/

  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Lots of stuff that will make your pee-pee hard

  >> MJ Hibbett does Xmas <<
  MJ asked people to send him videos telling him
  what they wanted for Christmas. "I had SO may
  clips sent in," writes MJ, "I ended up having
  to make two; one for the ladies, one for the
  gentlemen." The results are utterly charming,
  like slightly shonky Boots ads made by a
  Morrissey fan. Give this man a multi-million
  pound contract to change the face of Christmas
  advertising forever.
http://www.mjhibbett.net/christmas.htm


  >> Call for content: pun based gags <<
  "I luv puns," confesses Andrew Magurran, "So I
  made a pun-based web utopia. Thing is, I need
  more puns. Please tell everyone to give me more
  puns. More puns. Puns." We know all about puns
  at B3ta HQ. The Ginger Fuhrer suffers from a
  unique brand of Tourettes that forces the
  afflicted to spew a constant tide of puns. e.g.
  Let's start a band called The Sax Pistols!
  Pun's not dead you know.
http://www.punderland.com


  >> The Web for Beginners <<
  B3ta man of the moment Cassetteboy is following
  up his smash hits involving Alan Sugar and Nick
  Griffin. After tackling those titans, he now
  takes on the web itself. We rather liked
  Stephen Fry's blouse.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/The_Web_for_Beginners


  >> Zombie kitten apocalypse <<
  "The zombie kitten apocalypse has arrived,"
  raves Mutated Monty. "A new animation by me
  and SarahBear, it's not for the squeamish." Cute
  and a bit gothy - it's like Tim Burton does
  Anime.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/MEOW:3


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  "IT LOOKS LIKE A COCK" - win a book compo

  Authors Ben & Jack have put together lots of
  photos of stuff that looks like penises, shoved
  it into a book and figured it would fit in with
  B3ta. Anyway, we've got 6 copies to give away.
  Complete this tie-breaker in 15 words or less.
  "I love cock because... "
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9830507

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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK 1
  Presents - we forgot to run this bit last week

  Stuck for buying present ideas for the official
  b3ta wife and children we thought we'd ask the
  B3tans what they're buying their nearest and
  dearest so we could crib inspiration.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/present/

  Of course most of you have written jokes and
  we're still absolutely fucked in the present
  buying dept.

  * SWEETS - "I'm going to give my nephews and nieces
  radioactive sweets. I can't wait to see their
  glowing little faeces....." (vinny)
  
  * WII - "My niece told me she wanted a Wii for
  Christmas. I can't wait to see the look on her
  face when she realises I've given her a jam jar
  full of piss." (ralphseviltwin)
     
  * BOOZE - "Gave my wife the best Christmas
  present she could have wished for today. Went
  to my first AA meeting. Day one and counting.
  Apologies for lack of funnies." (capo) - No gag
  here, we're simply interested to see how this
  turns out. Good luck Capo. 
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/present/post581254


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK 2
  Failed Projects

  Last week we had a minor panic attack about
  projects we've ballsed-up in the past and
  thought you might like to confess all:
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/worldoffail/

  * 4x4xFAIL - "Many years ago I was helping a
   friend build a nice big garage across the end
   of his garden. He had a partially complete
   LWB Land Rover parked where we were going
   to build. We tried pushing it but those fuckers
   weigh a ton, so he suggested he'd get the
   starter motor wired up later in the day and
   "Just move it up the garden a bit." The next
   morning we arrived to find it 150ft away,
   right up by his house, with a trail of flattened
   wendy houses, swings and sandpits in its wake.
   Apparently he'd started it, ground it into
   gear and set off only to remember he hadn't
   connected the brakes. Struggling to get it
   out of gear, the 4WD behemoth crashed its
   way towards his kitchen, much to the shock of
   his wife who was washing up at the time. We
   laughed about it for a few weeks, until we
   realized that, having built the garage, there
   was now no way of getting the Land Rover out
   of the garden."
   (KipperFillets)

  * PUPPY - "Summer hols and myself and Mark
   are bored. What would cheer us up? A puppy.
   Where can we get one? Dunno. Why don't we make
   one? Brilliant. Our rudimentary knowledge of
   biology was such that we knew that two dogs
   were needed; and that one had to piggy-back
   the other for the magic to work. Five minutes
   later Mark has a mangy mongrel and I have Mrs
   Simms' Alsation which I'd volunteered to walk.
   We tried to get the Alsation to mount the mutt
   but it was not having it. So... I held the
   Alsation whilst Mark lifted the other one into
   position and vigourously rubbed it back and
   forth. Result? No puppy - but a half dead mongrel
   and me nearly losing a pint of blood."
   (DrTugnutcracker)

  * JIGSAW - "I have just completed a jigsaw puzzle.
   It was rather difficult and took me nearly
   eighteen months to finish. Which is great, as
   it said 3-4 years on the box." (marcooosa)

  >> This Week's Question <<

  Asking people out. tell us your biggest successes
  and most embarrassing failures. Not that we're
after new chat-up lines, or anything:
http://b3ta.com/questions/chattingup/

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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Clients Ruin My Art <<
  Anyone in the "creative industries" will cringe
  at the unavoidable truth of this strip cartoon
  showing the toxic relationship between a web
  designer and his client. It all ends in comic
  sans tears.
http://theoatmeal.com/comics/design_hell


  >> Christmas Nonce-sense <<
  If you think Santa has a whiff of the child
  enthusiast about him, you would be delighted to
  find one of these in his sack. "Ha! I told you
  so!" you'd chorus. Send a lynch mob to burn his
  toyshop down.
http://snurl.com/paedobells


  >> Passive Aggressive wifi <<
  Speaking for the household who only recently
  abandoned the wifi tag 'cunt' for the more
  child-friendly 'bums', we loved this list of
  wifi names, all of which put two fingers up to
  the neighbours with the joy of anonymity. Much
  like wanking in their milk bottles or doing a
  poo in their recycle box.
http://www.holytaco.com/25-hilarious-wifi-network-names


  >> 3D without the glasses <<
  Why faff about with silly glasses when you can
  take your HP Laserjet into the 3rd dimension
  with these cut-out and keep 3D letters?
http://www.dafont.com/punched-out.font


  >> 9/11 is a joke <<
  We blame the New World Order for this. Or maybe
  Peter Hook from New Order for this excruciating
  newspaper correction.
http://is.gd/5eS6t


  >> Google's doing it for the Kids <<
  We'd probably be on some kind of register if we
  asked the local primary schools to rework the
  Sickipedia logo, though judging by the rather
  lovely things the kids have done for google, we
  might be on to a bit of a winner. We've heard
  the Special Needs kids are doing one for Ask
  Jeeves.
http://www.google.com/intl/en_uk/doodle4google/vote.html


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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
  Kitties in neckwear

  A collection of cats in ties, ruffs and bow
  ties. But no scarves, cravats or snoods -
  coming soon, we hope.
http://snurl.com/catties


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Etch-A-sketch for autistic Terry Pratchett fans

  >> Shane sings 5 octaves on the piano <<
  We love Shane and his one note octave,
  especially as we think he is the living proof
  that inbreeding is wrong. A Hillbilly Susan
  Boyle; as played by Jack Black.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Shane_sings_5_octaves_on_the_piano


  >> Beatles 3000 <<
  A fantastic parody of all those nonsense
  documentaries on the History Channel, where a
  16 year-old on work experience has shoved a few
  names into Google and come out with piffle.
  We want to go to "Nectaris University" though,
  as it sounds kind of spacey.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3Z2vU8M6CYI


  >> Tetris God << 
  The sort of sketch the Goodies might have made
  if they'd been 20 years younger and had got an
  Amstrad GX4000 for Christmas.
http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1924722


  >> Queen, Overdubbed <<
  Imagine Freddie turned into Brian Blessed (with
  a cheeky hint of Papa Lazarou) and you're
  halfway towards grasping this rambunctious
  re-voicing of Queen's magnum opus Bohemian
  Rhapsody. Popeye!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vQRvqkmKmKo


  >> Blair Witch Flatmare <<
  We're not a 100 per cent sure that this is for
  real - it's much too neat and the shots are too
  well-composed, but the idea is pretty creepy;
  mad tramp lady living in your loft, creeping
  out at night, stealing your food and pissing in
  your sink. 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=06X9qXTvKNQ


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: FUNNY NAME CORNER 
  Pissed Himself Laughing

  Whilst not exactly a cock and balls logo, it
  does look a man having a large slash.
http://www.foamconcrete.co.uk/index.html


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: PORN FOR THE BLIND x2 

  Last week's publication of "what porn I wank to
  even tho I'm blind" attracted a lot of comment,
  including:

  * "Please tell the blind guy who's sick of
  listening to frat boys describing poo in a cup
  that there are lots of ladies reading out
  erotic stories at Literotica's Text With Audio
  category - I've got nothing to do with
  Literotica, but I felt out of a sense of
  fraternity that I should help a brother out!"
  (James)
http://snurl.com/blindporn2


  * "You featured Blind Porn in last week's
  mailout. How about some Deaf Porn? The UK Film
  Council gave me some money to make a fantastic
  comedy mockumentary about a chap called Hands
  Solo, the world's most famous Deaf Porn star.
  He's very very good with his hands, you know."
  (wmager)
http://www.hands-solo.com/trailer.html


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: KY JELLY ALTERNATIVES 

  Last week we asked what other substances you'd
  used for lube - our mail box gushed over:
  
  * OIL - "I've heard that soldiers, whilst
  deployed, use gun oil as lube. I have not tried
  this personally... nope... not at all..."
  (paul.mechanicus)

  * WD40 = BAD - "DON'T TRY IT! They use WD40 in
  my local to stop people snorting coke off the
  cistern. I'm reliably informed that it burns
  like hell. Given that penile and vaginal skin
  is mucous membrane, as is the inside of your
  nose, I'm pretty certain you'd end up in
  casualty." (mrsclarebutler)

  * HAIRGEL - "In response to Jeff Balls's question
  about what makes a good KY alternative, when I
  was a bit younger and cranking out 12 a day
  with some regularity, I found really, really,
  cheap hair gel to work a treat. I mean the
  Tesco Blue Stripe 39p gloop. It's fucking awful
  for doing anything with your hair, but if you
  want a cheap wanking lube, the stuff is worth
  its weight in gold." (Mr. Jack)


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Jesus UK Challenge

  Last week we wanted to know what Jesus would
  get up to if he toured Britain today.

  Your favourites included:
 
  * WALL - in which the son of God is fiendishly
  mocked by the developers of a gameshow (Monty
  Propps)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9820260

  * PORN - whatever they said about Christ, you
  could never deny he was well-hung (prodigy69)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9821124

  * MAIL - with his non-British roots, Jesus
  would have been less popular with some
  newspapers than others (The Hedgehog From Hell)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9819845

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/jesusUK/


  >> New challenge: True Christmas Cards <<
  Xmas is almost upon us once again, and it's
  time for b3ta's annual Christmas Card
  challenge. This year, we'd like you to design
  cards that tell the truth about Christmas and
  about the people you'll be sending them to:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/christmastruth/


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * TOP 100 BESTEST SITE YAYS - Nice to see the
  Guardian giving B3ta a shout out for our
  trolls. 
http://tinyurl.com/ybpbyb6

  * CYRIAK WINS E4 LUMP OF GLASS - nice to see
  our man Mutated Monty getting some props for
  his work.
http://www.e4.com/estings/2009finalists.html


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: FRIDAY GAME
  Obey the game!

  "There's not enough Friday Games!", writes
  Jasper Kingjay, "Now I get bored on Fridays. So
  here's one. Obey the Game. You can actually get
  quite far by doing nothing, how cool is that?"
http://www.kongregate.com/games/ArmorGames/obey-the-game


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * MOCKERY CROCKERY - Official B3ta Wife bought
  the Fuhrer a horrid mug for his birthday,
  bearing the legend (in comic sans of course)
  "The internet's Rob Manuel". Show us your
  plates of hate.

  * BIKE LIGHT DISCO - we used to have them as
  students - does anyone still bother? Or is
  there some modern alternative with waving your
  phones about?

  * WAYS OF CURING THE SHITS WITHOUT IMODIUM -
  we've had trouble in this area all week and,
  Christ, the pills are a devil's blessing. What
  works for you?

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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  THANKS:
  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Professor Kenny
  Martin, Frizzletoe and Wine, iowaseven, Duncan
  Biscuits, ereuben, mr_chopper, mafbailey,
  pascalsirletti, Diamondflamer. Additional
  linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
  Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Subjlols via
  andicap. Sickigag via eviltorry.


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  SICKIPEDIA:
  My internet connection was so slow yesterday I
  ended up just shagging the wife.
http://www.sickipedia.org/

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