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NEWSLETTER: "THATCHER - HURRY UP AND DIE SO WE CAN HAVE A NEW IMAGE CHALLENGE"

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This Week:
* ANIM - Jacko's secret basement
* READ - Emails from an asshole
* VID - "I'm pissing on your car"

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're shitting 
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       glass... together"

B3ta email 385 - 3 Jul 2009

Proofread this issue:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue385/

       Daddy:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
       	'Uncle':  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
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: SPONSORED LINK
  9.5hrs Battery life netbook
  
  Haven't got an ad this week - buggeration - so
  thought we'd link to Amazon to get some
  referral pennies. Here's the netbook we've just
  ordered, seduced by a 'wisdom of crowds' theory
  that we'd just get the one that's selling the
  best at the moment. If it lives up to its
  promises of 9.5hrs battery life, it'll be
  fantastic. Next week we'll report back on
  whether it's a sack of shit or not.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B001UE8LAG/b3ta-21


  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Jacko, Piss and God

  >> Michael Jackson's secret basement <<
  What ghastly secrets lie hidden in Wacko
  Jacko's mouldering cellar? Brian Mung
  investigates.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Michael_Jacksons_secret_basement


  >> Grey Bloke finds God <<
  The monochrome net-nerd seeks religious
  reassurance from an online preacher, with mixed
  results. A tale told by madridiot, full of
  sound and fury and signifying.. uh, something.
http://snurl.com/grey_blokey


  >> I'm pissing on your car <<
  Ginger Fuhrer Rob spent Wednesday making this
  joyous song and urinating on his neighbour's
  Jeep in the name of ART. The voice of an angel
  and the bladder of a puffer-fish. 
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Im_Pissing_On_Your_Car


  * ALSO JACKO FLASHMOB - How I started it by
  accident, also by Rob, your newsletter Hitler,
  who can stick two links of his own at the top
  if he fancies it.
http://snurl.com/tehwords


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Buses

  Buses are great. It's the drivers that are the
  problem - as Emadex's story of a dead passenger
  that got dumped at a bus stop makes clear:
http://b3ta.com/questions/buses/

  * TICKETS - "Shouting from the front of the bus,
  disturbs my iPod listening. A mid-20s girl sat
  next to a young black man was shouting typical
  (for this part of Europe at least) fairly racist
  remarks: enquiring whether he could in fact
  fornicate with himself and requesting that he
  does indeed 'go back to the jungle.' This poor
  man was sitting there, not making a sound, looking
  straight ahead and not reacting. Meanwhile the
  inspector gets on and starts asking for tickets.
  People hold them out, ready to show that all is
  paid and proper, whereupon the young black
  gentleman snatches the shouty lady's ticket from
  her hand, eats it, and then carries on staring
  straight ahead. She went mental. What's more,
  explaining to the inspector that her ticket had
  been eaten just got her thrown of the bus for
  being a nutter..."
  (Bababoon)
     
  * WHEELS - They go round and round apparently:
  "A couple of rows in front of me on a packed bus
  was a mum balancing her shopping on her lap. Her
  little kid was standing next to her and singing
  loudly. The only song she knew was The Wheels on
  the Bus. Worse, she only knew one verse. Which
  she repeated again and again and again. By the
  23rd time this was more than slightly irritating.
  So mum turned to her daughter and asked her to
  sing something else. Daughter stopped, thought
  for a second, and then comes out with, "Bodyform.
  Bodyform for YOUUUUUUUUU!" The whole bus laughed
  and the mum went red in the face."
  (lordofallhesurveys)
     
  * TOP DECK - "I like sitting in the front seats
  on the top deck, holding the rail under the
  window, pretending I'm hand-gliding very slowly
  around London."
  (Numma Supplies)


  >> This Week's Question <<
  Gather around the burning oil-drum and tell us
  your hobo-tales:
http://b3ta.com/questions/tramps/


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Echo Nest rocks bells <<
  Put a donk on it? That more cowbell thing? All
  these websites springing up that allow you to
  muck around with audio have one thing in common
  - they're using Echo Nest, a way of using
  computer code to cut up beats and re-order them
  in a musical fashion. This is big. This is
  awesome, and the linky goes to a clever
  chappie using the technology to cut up Black
  Eyed Peas' "Boom Boom Pow".
http://musicmachinery.com/2009/06/21/wheres-the-pow/


  >> There, I fixed it! <<
  In what can only be an attempt to get a book
  deal, earn some Adsense pennies or just become
  as "famous as the failblog" comes this
  collection of really dreadful repairs. We're
  only being cynical because we're suddenly
  regretting not having a job in publishing and
  thinking how easy our lives would be - just
  keeping an ear to the net and repurposing
  anything that has obvious mass appeal.
http://thereifixedit.com/


  >> Portraits of nails <<
  Speaking of such - wouldn't these photos of
  bent nails in amazingly human poses make a
  great little picture book? It has charm, and
  could be piled up by the counters without
  risk of offending anyone.
http://www.designswan.com/archives/the-story-of-nail-art.html


  >> Amusing Pringles banner ad <<
  Back when the only entertainment online was a
  bear that shat prime numbers, there was a site,
  just a few lines of javascript, that produced
  endless OK/Cancel dialogue boxes with amusing
  text like, "are you bored yet?" and "but you
  can't stop clicking can't you?" Looks like the
  agency producing ad banners for Pringles have
  as long a memory for this crap as us. BTW:
  Over ten years Pringles have reduced their
  packs from about 200g to 150g. True fact. We
  read it in this month's issue of Wired UK.
http://awardshome.com/cannes2009/pringles/can-hands.html

  
  >> Periodic Table of Typefaces <<
  If you work in a design agency, and we know at
  least 2% of our readers know people who do,
  then here's your new wallpaper.
http://snurl.com/drinkingfromthefontycup


  >> "Emails from an asshole" <<
  Proving once and for all that all comedy needs
  a victim comes this collection of wind-up emails
  sent in response to classified ads. We ended up
  reading quite a few and then remembered we
  needed the bog.
http://www.dontevenreply.com/all.php


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  For those scared of clicking

  >> Billie Tweets <<
  Clever montage of twitter comments accompany
  and spell the lyrics to Michael Jackson's
  Billie Jean video. Someone clever needs to
  write a script that'll do this for any youTube
  video that has captions.
http://billietweets.com/


  >> Springwatch Smiths references <<
  Nature programme presenter Chris Packham
  secretly tried to slip a Smiths reference into
  every show. Here they all are edited together.
  You're probably expecting us to put a Smiths
  gag in here, but that joke isn't funny anymore.
http://b3ta.com/links/Springwatch_smiths_references


  >> Jacko fail <<
  As the web continues to be dominated by Jacko
  news, here's an advert for his now-cancelled O2
  concerts. Can't say too much more without
  ruining it.
http://snurl.com/rolluprollup


  >> Freak-out kid Japanese remix <<
  Lols a-plenty for those who appreciated last
  week's spack-out by a teen World of Warcraft
  addict. Jaunty Nintendo-style tune accompanies
  some edited highlights of his overwrought
  capering. 
http://b3ta.com/links/Freak_out_kid_Japanese_remix


  >> Ducks go up the down escalator <<
  Waterfowl once again demonstrate why Man is the
  master of the planet. The fucking idiots.
http://b3ta.com/links/Ducks_go_up_the_down_escalator


  >> Cat madness <<
  Bewildering, high-speed montage of classic
  feline lols. Subliminal message: Your cat wants
  some biscuits.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iuOpWeQw05Q


  >> Web Side Story <<
  Witty sketch combining the twin pleasures of
  musical theatre and criticising the internet.
  Pleasure your inner gay nerd.
http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1913584


  >> Multi-webcam music vid <<
  Extraordinarily clever music video filmed on
  multiple video-chat feeds then collaged
  together to very pleasing effect. No idea what
  the song is about tho. Probably grooming
  children online.
http://b3ta.com/links/This_is_extraordinary


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: FUNNY NAME CORNER 
  Cock buildings

  "Instead of a CDC (crudely drawn cock) logo,"
  writes Ericezza, how about a CBC (cleverly
  built cock) complete with full balls? As
  photographed by me on Gracechurch Street,
  London." 
http://img19.imageshack.us/img19/4086/image112afb.jpg


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Posh Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to make everything posh.

  Your favourites included:
 
  * SHANNON - everyone's favourite chav princess
  gets b3tarded (Wet chinned bag-shanker)
http://b3ta.com/board/9542553

  * CHORTLE - the Chuckle Brothers, upgraded
  (Bobby Bob Bob)
http://b3ta.com/board/9546723

  * EAGLE - a bird of prey, with added spiffiness
  (Panjandrum)
http://b3ta.com/board/9542246

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/posh/


  >> New challenge: Pirates <<
  PIRATES. It's time for one of B3ta's famous one
  word challenges. Piracy is in the news at the
  moment with the sale of The Pirate Bay and the
  sea-bound Somalian pirates - so there's scope
  to interpret this however you wish.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/pirates/


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * LAMINATING BACON - "Back in the day, I was
  invited round this girl's house," explains
  DanBangBang. "Her mum was out, perfect
  conditions for teenage fumblings. However, when
  I got into her room I was distracted by the
  massive laminator on her desk.

  "'My Dad gave it me for Christmas,' she
  explained glumly. 'He works for an office
  supply shop, he's an arsehole'. Yes, we tried
  to laminate and simultaneously cook bacon. The
  plastic sheets don't really get airtight, the
  bacon semi-cooks, there's a lot of noise and a
  horrible smell. Hope this helps."


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include:

  * DOOMWATCH - "A site which counts fear words
  eg 'Swine Flu', 'Terrorism'... from the day's
  news and charts what to be most scared of
  today." (via @ricomonkeon)

  * SICKINEWS - "A page that correlates trending
  news events with jokes about that event on
  Sickipedia." (via  @chthonicionic)

  * URBANPOON - "An iPhone app that lets you
  quickly find hookers by location, price and
  ethnicity."  (via @millwallant)

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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  THANKS:

  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Choc Ice, Seventh,
  Gingey, Mighty Nibus, oller, Kung_Fu_Russ,
  badge, waz4444, Wingnutt, Ryan Giggs' Bald
  Spot. Additional linkage and image challenge by
  Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  Subjlols via Ad7.

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  Yesterday, I came home early from work and
  found my wife cheating. The lazy bitch has
  hired a cleaner.
http://www.sickipedia.org/

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