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NEWSLETTER: "THE ROAD TO ORGASM IS LITTERED WITH PITFALLS, GLASSHOPER"

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This Week:
* BOOKY THING - Bestest Computer Game Characters
* IMAGE CHALLENGE - Shatner, William Shatner
* FUNNY NAME CORNER - It's back, sorry

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |     "We're mostly 
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|        over-weight..."

B3ta email 381 - 5 Jun 2009

Sync this issue with your Palm Pilot:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue381/

Beautiful people:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
    Shit-heads:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
-------------------------------------------------

: SPONSORED LINK
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http://tinyurl.com/ovlord2 

  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Other than wanking to Daily Mail

  >> Iconic games characters <<
  Join your humble newsletter scribes on a i-spot
  guide through the most outstanding computer
  games characters of the last two centuries.
  Will your favourite get a look in? Words mostly
  by Rob, scribbles mostly by Dave.
http://www.e4.com/wtf/iconic-game-characters/


  >> Pretty Game Boy tuneage <<
  The highly-talented hexachordal covers the
  Magnetic Fields' 'All My Little Words',
  accompanied by a Game Boy. Sentimental 8-bit
  loveliness.
http://snurl.com/youngpeopletoday


  >> Billy Brit - the BNP pamphlet <<
  Manic has been amusing himself with the racist
  nonsense of BNP spokes-doll 'Billy Brit'. He
  bought an identical 'Billy Brit' and has been
  putting his own words in the puppet's mouth.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Billy_Brit_II_the_BNP_pamphlet


  >> Little pink bear <<
  Joel's jaunty cat tells of his meeting with a
  cuddly little woodland resident.  
http://rathergood.com/bear


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Unexpected Nudity

  Last week we were musing on how unsexy nudity
  can be at times. voodo_kinky's story of a tick
  on his cock proves our point nicely:
http://b3ta.com/questions/unexpectednudity/

  * EAR-ACHE - "I was flashed once when I was 14.
  I'd seen him a few times earlier that same day
  without incident, but decided to flash me when
  I was out with my dog. Jack was the size of a
  small horse. He was also daft as a brush and
  loved to chase things, just not when to stop.
  He started to growl at this strange man waving
  his cock at me, pulling on his leash and I was
  really struggling to keep a hold of him. The
  bloke gets scared and, not even bothering to
  put his bits away, he decides to leg it... The
  leash is torn from my hands and Jack is off
  like a shot. I ran after them, following the
  screams. By the time I caught up, I couldn't do
  anything to help: I was too busy laughing. Jack
  had tackled him from behind and was trying very
  hard to stick his cock in this disgusting
  fella's ear. I explained to a couple of guys
  what had happened. The police were called.
  Flasher was lifted on the spot and taken to
  A&E. Jack's vigorous humping had burst his ear
  drum." (panda_sam)
     
  * NOT AS I'D HOPED - "Staying at a girlfriend's
  parents' house, no sharing rooms allowed. We
  had not yet reached the point of sharing bodily
  fluids: a little bit of upper torso groping had
  been the limit up until that point. I had to
  sleep in the living room. At about 2am the
  girlfriend walks in naked, I wake up and
  immediately think, "Fuck Yeah, Action Time!"
  She ignores me, walks behind the TV set and
  proceeds to take a quite substantial shit.
  There was the body I'd been lusting after...
  heading back upstairs to her room. Fuck me, I
  thought, I'd better clean this up as I'm going
  to be blamed if anyone sees it. Two minutes
  later, her mum walks in while I am on the floor
  with paper towels. "I heard the stairs
  creaking. I see Patricia has been sleep walking
  again, let me clean that up." (Dilligaf Jakarta)
     
  * POSTMAN TWAT - "A few weeks ago, one Saturday
  morning, the wife decides she'd get us a
  breakfast roll from the local butchers. It's
  about 5 mins away and after 15 mins I hear the
  front gate open. Being the mischievous blighter
  I am, I decide it would be funny to stick my
  willy through the letter box... only to get my
  cock rammed by two bank statements and our
  voting cards." (rambosilk)


  >> This Week's Question <<
  Mud, Dysentery and Syphilis? They'll be on the
  pyramid stage. Tell us your music festival
  stories:
http://b3ta.com/questions/festival/

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  10 days to go until the closing date of the
  fantastic Glacéau / Don't Panic design
  competition. A great opportunity to have your
  artwork wrapped around an iconic building in
  the heart of Shoreditch. Does this interest
  you? The winner will receive £500 + 2 passes to
  Bestival. ...so you better get designing! .
http://sn.im/ixkej

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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Soft furnishings for gays <<
  Last week we featured photos of 1970s pron
  interiors with all the naughty bits cut out -
  this week Goldenlad writes, "Why bother with
  vintage porn backgrounds when you can have some
  nice up-to-date ones?" Warning NSFW. Unless
  your office loves photos of cocks.
http://www.luriddigs.com


  >> Pets wind-up lols <<
  Remember that money-spider gif from internets
  past? The creator David R Thorne is now playing
  games with his landlord, who recently
  complained about the pets he's keeping in his
  apartment. Funny, if you're prepared to do a
  bit of reading. 
http://www.27bslash6.com/strata.html


  >> Interactive photo gallery thing <<
  What looks like the start of a very interesting
  graphical adventure, where instead of killing
  trolls and collecting gold, the aim is to
  wander round a camp-site full of half-naked
  fashion models. We can't seem to win, but if
  you like scantily-clad ladies then every click
  is a win.
http://www.kubikfoto.de/index.php?id=144&L=0


  >> Flying dogs <<
  Adding to the pile of dog photo memes we've
  caught recently (remember that one of flipping
  pics of dogs lying on their backs?) comes this:
  snaps of pups caught mid jump so as to look as
  if they're flying. Next week? Dogs with boners.
http://www.holytaco.com/flying-dogs


  >> Book of the week <<
  Finding life full of sticky problems? Then you
  need to read the seminal tome "Overcoming
  Obstacles with Spunk." Apparently a seriously
  dull book on leadership techniques, but what a
  title. 
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/0981621023/b3ta-21


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: 'WITH SAILS AND I' UPDATE

  The other night we got a very excited call from
  John Hopkins, the landlubbing comedian planning
  to sail a yacht up to Edinburgh in some
  quixotic rebellion against the credit crunch.
  Anyway, since we last featured his story, a
  lovely b3ta person built him a website for the
  venture - plus Hopkins & Glover will be
  explaining themselves at a London gig this
  Sunday! 
http://www.withsailsandi.co.uk/


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Because reading text makes your brain wilt

  >> We buy any car dot com <<
  Loving / hating this ad on TV at the moment,
  the jingle is so moronically catchy. Does
  anybody have an idea of who wrote it?
http://snurl.com/catchyasinaids


  >> Beatles rock band ad <<
  We love the Beatles in a completely gay way and
  are amused to report that we nearly cried
  watching this advert for the computer game.
  Yep. Tears. An emotional response. What a bunch
  of twats we are. BTW: We'd pay good money to
  sit in on the horse trading that the Beatles'
  living representatives must have gone in for to
  decide the track listing. Yoko: "OK, if Ringo's
  getting Octopus's Garden then I want Revolution
  No. 9." Paul: "Fuck the lot of you, I wrote
  Yesterday you know."
  http://www.thebeatlesrockband.com/cinematic.php


  >> Literal Rock Video remake <<
  Continuing the 'sing what you see on screen'
  meme is this reworking of Bonnie Tyler's Total
  Eclipse of the Heart. Next week we're hoping
  for Duran Duran's Wild Boys. C'mon! It would be
  worth it for the Simon Le Bon windmill scene
  alone. 
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Literal_Rock_Video_remake


  >> Got a bottle of wine, but no corkscrew?! <<
  Then try this handy tip - open it using a
  toilet seat! Shitty camera-phone quality video
  that we nearly couldn't be bothered to watch,
  but then sat through it and laughed like a
  drain. BTW: Has anybody ever seen a laughing
  drain? What an odd expression that is.
http://b3ta.com/links/Got_a_bottle_of_wine_but_no_corkscrew


  >> The astounding world of the future! <<
  Fantastic idea for a gag here - take dull
  footage of the contemporary world and give it a
  1950s "world of the future" voice over. Wish
  we'd thought of it.
http://b3ta.com/links/The_astounding_world_of_the_future


  >> Cricketer vs Pigeon <<
  Never had much time for cricket, but we think
  these guys have stumbled upon a way to liven it
  up a bit: Cricket as a blood-sport where the
  idea is to kill pigeons. We'd certainly watch.
http://bit.ly/15t2KO


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: FUNNY NAME CORNER 
  The Semmys

  If you're about to go up on stage to accept an
  award, getting a Semmy would surely be any
  bloke's worst nightmare:
http://www.semmys.org/


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Extreme Sports Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to make sport more
  extreme.

  Your favourites included:
 
  * RAZOR - those terrifying moments on the
  gymnastics beam made just a little tougher
  (drbroon)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9487815

  * TOSS - scoring a perfect ten in the very
  competitive pedestrian accident section
  (HappyToast)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9478685

  * 180 - if Premier League Darts is a little
  safe for you, this alternative might get the
  blood pumping (835Rocks)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9474899

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/extremesports/


  >> New challenge: SHATNER! <<
  The new Star Trek film is out, and it's great.
  The only problem is it completely lacks William
  Shatner. So let's see Shatnerised movies:
  Shatner on the Roof, The Good The Bad and The
  Shatner, Indiana Shatner, Shatnerman! SHATNER!
  Challenge suggested by Bobman500
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/shatner/

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  BTW: We recommend the audiobook of Shatner's
  recent autobiography Up Till Now. It's not
  going to change your world, but it is an
  entertaining collection of anecdotes - and
  having Shatner read them adds a lot to it.

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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  VERBSWAPR - We asked for someone to come up
  with a site where you could input URLs and it
  would exchange all verbs for the next one in
  the dictionary. "Here you go, you cunts."
  snarls lovely b3tan Michael Worth. Particularly
  good results from putting the newsletter
  through it - arguably an improvement tbh. 
http://stuttr.netii.net/verbswapr


  MICROWAVE RAY GUN - Can you turn a microwave
  into some sort of slow-acting ray-gun? That was
  the question.

  "Yes... sort of," answers chazz, "A microwave
  is basically a radar set which fires all its
  radar waves into a tin box. It happens that
  this particular radar works at the resonant
  frequency of water and fat, so it makes water
  and fat get hot. By taking the gubbins out and
  making a wave guide at the exit port of the
  magnetron, you can make a beam of microwaves
  that will heat up things in front of it."

  "You can," confirms Sonny_Jim, "But it would be
  horrifically dangerous. The magnetron will
  cause cataracts and other damage to your eyes.
  The kicker is you won't feel it as there are no
  pain receptors there, so the first thing you
  realise is that you can no longer see."
  http://www.hairfacts.com/medpubs/mwave/cutz.html


  * LEGO WEDDING - "We were very surprised (and
  incredibly chuffed) when our lego wedding
  showed up in the newsletter a mere 20 days
  after the event," beams Greg Tudor. "As well as
  the cake, we made different coloured lego
  cufflinks for all the groomsmen, and a garter
  with one of my blue lego space men (old,
  borrowed and blue) for my bride, Louise."
http://www.flickr.com/photos/gregtudor/sets/72157618848061911/


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  This week we asked all our lovely chums on
  twitter for their suggestions:

  * BACKWARDS MICROWAVES - Something to make beer
  really cold, really quickly. (jamesellison)

  * MP SLEAZE TOP TRUMPS - Expenses taken, houses
  owned, number of times caught with rent-boys,
  etc (@peregr1n)

  * WHAT WOULD YOU HAVE WON - Enter lottery
  numbers & site calculates what you'd have
  won/lost if you'd played them since the start.
  (@ricomonkeon)
 
  And special thanks to @SetecAstronomy who
  suggests, "real life pinatas - donkeys force
  fed sweets, children then beat them with sticks
  until they explode."

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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-------------------------------------------------

  THANKS:

  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by @danielbevis,
  magictoast, @alnapp, tubaman, gunkyfibbon, Lord
  Gnome, @A_Philly, @normanmcleod. Additional
  linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
  Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Subjlols via
  Waspbox.


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  SICKIPEDIA:

  Here's a bit of advice for you.
  Advi.
http://www.sickipedia.org/

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