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NEWSLETTER: "CARLSBERG DON'T DO ALZHEIMER'S. JUST EXCEEDINGLY GOOD CAKES."

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This Week:
* VID - Cassetteboy vs The Apprentice
* QUESTION - Unexpected nudity
* TIME HACKS - Using time travel to bang ladies

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're sleeping it
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       off... together"

B3ta electronic e-newsletter 380 - 29 May 2009

Clicky clicky clicky click:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue380/

       Friends:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
    Bastards:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
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: SPONSORED LINK
  Glaceau vitaminwater design competition
 
  Would you like to see your artwork on a
  10x13.5m poster wrapped around a iconic
  building in London's art capital Shoreditch?
  And win £500 + 2 passes to Bestival? Well, show
  us your work then.
http://sn.im/ixkej

  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Lots of things, oh yes, stuff

  >> Cassetteboy vs The Apprentice <<
  Casetteboy hits Alan Sugar's shuffle button to
  create an improved edit of the reality show
  tycoon. Not quite safe for work, and so popular
  already that we've been emailed it ten times
  since Casetteboy posted it on our links board.
http://cassetteboy.wordpress.com


  >> Herrings of War! <<
  Joel sings a proud song, he sings of the
  bravery, the tragic, futile bravery of the
  herring horde and its war against mankind. What
  a Wagnerian masterpiece!
http://rathergood.com/herring


  >> Sandwich <<
  Big fans of a cheese sarnie here at B3ta
  Towers, so we enjoyed Scrambled Edd's
  sandwich-based love song. Right up until the
  mayonnaise, anyway. eww!
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Sandwich


  >> Geeky love tip <<
  So you're in love with a friend but she already
  has a boyfriend. Read on for an ingenious
  solution to your problem. BTW: Author
  anthonymorcom emails, "wrote this thing last
  Friday and it went kind of massive, but I can't
  count it as a success unless it gets into the
  newsletter." Ha! Take that, internet.
http://batteriesfeelincluded.blogspot.com/2009/05/309.html   


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Impulse buys

  Inspired by your Ginger Fuhrer's purchase of a
  trampoline that completely filled his garden,
  we asked for the stupid things you've bought on
  impulse:
http://b3ta.com/questions/impulsebuys/
  
  Here's a list of the choicer items:

  * 400 self-adhesive goggly eyes
  * A full size dalek
  * 1,000 cocktail umbrellas
  * A replica Storm Trooper suit
  * 5,000 kitchen cupboard doors
  * A pub
  * A life-sized statue of Lara Croft
  * A replica US Army 1840s revolver
  * A ghillie suit
  * A set of deep purple satin bedsheets
  * A 6-berth motorhome (off a man in a pub)
  * A 12-disc Worzel Gummidge DVD box set
  * 1,500 square metres of granite tiles
  * A commemorative Eric Bristow plate

  and

  * The skeletal remains of a nineteenth-century
  artist's model called Jo


  >> This Week's Question <<
  There you are, minding you own business when
  **SURPRISE TODGER**... Tell us of unexpected
  encounters with nudity:
http://b3ta.com/questions/unexpectednudity/


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Memes without content <<
  Here are the anonymous rooms where they
  performed the crazy comedy you sent on to your
  friends. See how many you can get - we were
  surprised how easy it is.
http://waxy.org/2009/05/memescenery/


  >> Potato Portraits <<
  Ginou Choueiri paints amazing portraits on
  potatoes because "Not only is their skin porous
  like ours, but their skin texture and colour is
  very similar." Also, you have to cut the eyes
  out before you cook them.
http://snurl.com/potatoshops


  >> Explosions & boobs <<
  Save valuable time watching Hollywood
  blockbusters; simply reload the page to see
  more pics of breasts and things blowing up.
http://www.explosionsandboobs.com/


  >> Star Wars first draft <<
  Mystery Man dug through the George Lucas
  archives to find the original draft of The Star
  Wars. And it's quite the turd. Amazing how many
  of the rubbish ideas trimmed from this made it
  into the latter three Star Wars products.
http://snurl.com/starwarsalpha


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  It's like VHS 2.0

  >> Cool optical illusion <<
  One of the disturbing things about running B3ta
  for so damn long is seeing our contributors
  age: Zefrank is still producing excellent and
  amusing content but his eyebrows are going grey
  and his skin is sallow. Poor chap, maybe a
  holiday would help.
http://vimeo.com/4791698


  >> Biscuit-man vs chatlines <<
  If you've ever pressed the channel up button on
  your TV above the numbers that actually have
  proper programming on them you'll have found
  those weird video chat lines where tarty young
  ladies are waiting for gentleman callers. Our
  friend in this case subverts them by keeping the
  subject off sex and on biscuits - although
  personally we prefer to exercise our
  sociopathic tendencies by wiping snot on door
  handles.
http://channelbee.com/move/gags#2631


  >> 1964 Antique MODEM Live Demo <<
  The first modem we ever saw was in 1985 - an
  acoustic coupler connected to an Amstrad CPC,
  playing British Telecom's Multi User Dungeon.
  Like an ASCII World of Warcraft it knocked up a
  £400 phone bill for our school friend. We had
  no idea that even in the 80s, this was a 20
  year old technology. Watch and learn, children:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X9dpXHnJXaE


  >> Hello Cleveland! <<
  Comedy Basics 101: writing feel-good songs
  about provincial towns is funny. Try it
  yourself.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oZzgAjjuqZM


  >> Spiderman vs pigeons <<
  People who do street mine are pillocks who
  deserve everything they get - including this
  fine bit of bird seed-based pwnage. 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=76ysrKF3tBI


  >> One Line on the Sopranos <<
  You probably don't remember Erik Weiner's
  performance in The Sopranos. His single line
  was, "Leon, take your break at two." Erik is
  now stretching out his small moment of fame,
  for comic effect, and thereby making himself
  much more famous as a result. Clever stuff,
  Erik.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/One_Line_on_the_Sopranos


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Letter Arts Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to make stuff out of
  letters

  Your favourites included:
 
  * TREK - Kirk, Spock and the inevitable dead
  guy are beamed on board (barryheadwound)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9461866

  * TERROR - summing up the New York attacks via
  the simple gift of numbers (Faceburger)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9460496

  * PANGRAM - featuring both a quick brown fox
  and a lazy dog (Cocodaye Miasere)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9466235

  All these images, and the highest as
    voted by you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/letterart/


  >> New challenge: Extreme Sports <<
  This week's extreme challenge is to make 
  dangerous sports more extreme, to make 
  dull sports more extreme, and to turn 
  everyday activities into extreme sports. 
  Like, gnarly, dude. Challenge suggested
  by Joe Scaramanga
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/extremesports/


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?

  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * STOLEN VIDEO -  "I can't believe some yank
  STOLE the video I filmed especially for the
  links board and won $600!" yells
  combatcameraman. "Luckily, the b3tards were
  straight on it. I've got in touch and am going
  to try and claim the money back as it's
  rightfully mine."
http://b3ta.com/links/Is_this_stolen


  * COVER VERSION - "Since posting my first few
  mashup 'Cover Version' album covers on here a
  couple of months ago it's kinda gone global -
  in no small part to the enthusiasm of you
  boarders and having them featured in the
  newsletter," chirps little pixel. "Just wanted
  to say thank to everyone for motivating me to
  do more and for the exposure. They are on the
  cover of trade mag 'Design Week' as of today as
  well as being featured in Wired and GQ's
  webbysites."
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Thanks_B3ta


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  This week we asked all the people who follow
  your Ginger Fuhrer on twitter (@robmanuel, some
  shit nabbed @b3ta) for suggestions:

  * DE-HANCING FILMS - "re-edit a CGI-fest to
  make it look shoddy + fun. Add strings to space
  ships, replace any CGI with claymation." We
  suggest Tron. (via @ricomonkeon)

  * VERBSWAPR - "Poet Ross Sutherland once
  swapped every verb in Little Red Riding Hood
  for the one below it in the dictionary. More of
  this, plz." What about an automatic tool that
  works with URLs? (via @gomark)

  * MICROWAVE MODS - "Can you turn a microwave
  into some kind of slow-acting raygun by turning
  it inside out?" (via @bounder)

  And special mention to Gidleys who asks, "Can
  someone please code something that enables me
  to load the newsletter with all the Joel Veitch
  stuff removed?" Oooh meany!

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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  THANKS:

  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Darklord,
  VampireMonkeyOnSpeed, @bounder, @alnapp, 52745,
  Floppy Donkey & @dxtr Additional linkage and
  image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder
  is QOTW bloke. Subjlols via tricyclic_looper.

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  TESCO VALUE TOP TIP:

  Mong the Merciless explains, "Simply use
  Tesco's self-service scanners and enter any
  random number for 'own bags used' - voila, free
  clubcard points. It seems to work with no
  problems up to one bag per item bought. My
  record is 150 for a packet of chewing gum - it
  beeped and some nice employee just came over
  and hit override without even looking so I
  still go the points.    

  "Forget the image challenge, I want, nay
  demand, to see who can get the most free
  clubcard points with this method. Remember
  folks, scan and post the receipt as without
  pics it never happened."


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  SICKIPEDIA:
  Some random woman stopped me in the street
  today and started telling me a joke. It had all
  the ingredients of a good joke: child abuse,
  incestual rape, tears and suffering; but I
  didn't understand the punchline. Something
  about £2 a month? (nobodys hero)
http://www.sickipedia.org/

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