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NEWSLETTER: "NEWSLETTER CANCELLED DUE TO SNOW"

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This Week:
* WANKKING - Wanky shit demon lives!
* ATHEISTS - Make your own bus slogan tool
* DAILY MAIL - Goaste'd! Ha!

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |   "We feel guilty we're     
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |     offending strangers
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|        ... together"

B3ta Amsmail 364 - 5 Feb 2009

Read this issue on your Amsphone:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue364/
 
          Lions:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
   Christians:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #1
  Wanking, buses and The Daily Mail
    
  >> Wanky shit demon <<
  "I've made something very special this week,"
  crows an elated Joel Veitch. "The Wanky Shit
  Demon! Easily the best thing we've ever done
  I'm sure you will agree. And also really really
  horrible as well." A rhapsody of brown (and
  white) Playdoh.
http://www.rathergood.com/demon


  >> Bus slogan generator <<
  Why should atheists have all the fun? Santa
  Claws has made a handy slogan generator so you
  can visualise your own random blurtings
  enshrined on the side of a bus.
http://ruletheweb.co.uk/b3ta/bus/


  >> "I've just goatse'd the Daily Mail" <<
  "The Daily Mail were linking to the big version
  of my picture on the b3ta front page from the
  title page of their website," explains The
  Hedgehog From Hell, "So I changed the picture."
  Yep, the Mail's front page was one click away
  from the extended anus of internet legend. Four
  hours later, they removed the link but The
  Coast of Yemen managed to record the phenomenon
  for posterity with trusty cameraphone.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Ive_just_goatsed_the_Daily_Mail


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  School Days

  We asked for your school memories. We've
  collected some of the shorties here for your
  amusement, but it's worth clicking for
  Haha!Snakes' tale of revenge with foamy wee:
http://b3ta.com/questions/schooldays/

  * THOR - "We had a substitute Religious
  Education teacher many a year ago whose name I
  can't remember, mostly because it was
  unpronounceable - all I can remember is that he
  had a face like a chihuahua, which got the
  class calling him 'Mr Chihuahuaface'. As a
  sign of how tolerant he was, he went on to
  introduce himself as Mr Chihuahuaface to the
  other classes. He was, and I imagine still is,
  a bit of a ledge. 'Right class, the task you've
  been left with is to do a presentation on the
  Christian creation story... however, as there
  are so many religions out there, it's highly
  possible that such dogma should not be taken
  for granted. So go out and look at other
  creation stories and let us know what you
  think. Just to get you started, I'll do the
  first presentation next week.' The next lesson,
  Chihuahuaface turns up in full Viking regalia,
  slams an inflatable hammer against the table
  and screams: 'Behold mortals, I am Thor,
  conqueror of worlds!' God bless you Mr
  Chihuahuaface." (FoxyBadger)

  * BELM - "Late 70's, class photo day. My proud
  mum has dressed little 6 year-old me in my
  favourite Action Man army top. I'm originally
  sat front and centre, but every time the
  photographer yells for us all to say 'Cheese!'
  I belm. Hard. I can't help myself. After a few
  failed attempts he grasses me up and I'm forced
  to stand next to the teacher so she can keep me
  in line... but as the photographer gave the
  fateful cue...I just couldn't resist. 
  (pooflake)
http://www.b3tards.com/u/196caedfec9b4d62d0a9/untitled.jpg
     
  * HOOD - "Mistaking 'Home clothes day' for
  fancy dress, I turn up to a playground teeming
  with kappa tracksuit-clad five year-olds
  dressed as Robin Hood. Tights and all."
  (wordsworthless)


  >> This Week's Question: pubs <<
  What's the most incredible thing you've seen
  happen in your local pub? Talk to us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/pubs/


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> I Lego NY <<
  Homesick New Yorker mucks about with lego
  bricks to recreate some of the distinctive
  sights of his native city. 
http://niemann.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/02/02/i-lego-ny/


  >> Celebrity Twitter <<
  "Stalk the celebrities on Twitter," claims this
  collection of feeds. It's certainly an
  interesting read, although we feel they're
  somewhat stretching the definition of celebrity.
http://www.celebritytweet.com/


  >> Drawing toy likes music <<
  Last week we featured a strange little
  voice-activated online drawing toy. This week:
  what happens when that toy hears indy rock.
http://strangenative.com/?p=365


  >> Eric Baum fired from ebaumsworld <<
  Some company bought 'lolmeisters' ebaumsworld,
  then fired ebaum and his entire team. Angry
  blog post, followed by a shedload of comments
  from gleeful web ghouls, enjoying delicious
  schadenfreude. 
http://blog.ebaum.tv/2009/01/so-this-is-how-it-all-went-down.html


  >> Beatles worst-to first countdown <<
  Epic rundown of the entire Beatles discography,
  ranked in reverse order of quality. Begins with
  Revolution Number 9 (of course). But where will
  it end?
http://snurl.com/cantbeatthebeatles


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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
  Russian lolcats

  Who would have possibly thought that there's
  cats who speak Russian? Turns out there's
  millions of the buggers and they all speak the
  mother tongue like Rasputin himself.
http://rolcats.wordpress.com/


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Youtube is a new and popular website shock

  >> Kid trips out after going to the dentist <<
  The last time we took LSD we thought we'd died
  and everyone waiting outside some shitty
  Wolverhampton nightclub was in Purgatory and
  waiting to get into Heaven. Then a policeman
  asked us what we were doing - we thought he
  looked like Bertie Basset and said, "Getting
  into the back of your car?" "Not on your life,
  sunshine", he snarled back and told us to
  "fucking grow up." This kid is having these
  experiences early, and will hopefully be saved
  from such things.
http://b3ta.com/links/A_kid_trips_out_after_going_to_the_dentist


  >> Bestest In The Barn <<
  Charlie and Lola, sadly not the story of TV
  Critic Charlie Brooker and his transsexual
  girlfriend who "walked like a woman and talked
  like a man", but a pre-schoolers' show on
  cBeebies which, from this clip, is the most
  uplifting thing ever created. We defy you not
  to smile.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Bestest_In_The_Barn


  >> US News Blooper <<
  "Trust me," whispers igotdamaged, "you will not
  see this one coming..." 
http://www.b3ta.com/links/US_News_Blooper


  >> Censored Bill Hicks <<
  David Letterman revisits a Bill Hicks routine
  he rejected from his show in 1993, just months
  before the much-admired funnyman died. Did he
  make the right choice back then?
http://popwatch.ew.com/popwatch/2009/02/david-letterman.html


  >> BBC hidden camera <<
  BBC sets up a camera by some icy steps and
  waits for people to fall over. Ok, it's a news
  item about icy steps at a railway station, but
  isn't it all a bit mean?
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/7866986.stm


  >> Christian Bale flipout remix <<
  Powerful dance remix of Christian Bale's recent
  on-set rant against a hapless co-worker.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YTihsJQHt48


-------------------------------------------------

: FUNNY NAME CORNER 
  Containing two "funny" names for once

  * MIKE WANKUM - weatherman for a Boston TV
  station and does a lot of work for a Chernobyl
  kids charity. Which reminds of the old joke,
  why don't Russian scientists wear y-fronts?
  Because cher-knob-will-fall-out. (Thanks
  mbehan!)
http://www.thebostonchannel.com/weather/10935174/detail.html


  * DR BEAT NOBS - "For your funny names
  section," shouts mudskipper, "I humbly present
  the Swiss Ambassador to New Zealand." Yep,
  we're sure he gets lots of cock jokes, but do
  his giggle and sing, "Emergency! Paging Dr.
  Beat"? 
http://www.swiss.org.nz/page.php?ID=73


  * EVERYONE LOVES A LARGE VAGINA - Alex Ottway
  sniffs, "Not sure if you're going to be
  inundated with this picture, but just in
  case... It snowed the other day in Nottingham.
  There's a webcam pointing over the Old Market
  Square. Some people were playing at making
  shapes in the snow...."
http://i161.photobucket.com/albums/t231/Fred_Blogs/OMSQ.jpg


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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #2
  Cats, Meat and Stanley Kubrick Software

  >> "I ate your cat" <<
  So claims new_matt, and he'd like your help to
  widely publicise the fact. Print out one of his
  'cat found' posters, stick it up somewhere
  local and send him a pic. The more people see
  it the better. Or the more likely he'll get
  beaten up, we suppose.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Anyone_fancy_helping_me_do_a_thing


  >> Jonti Picking vs Meat <<
  We once went to the pub with Mr. Picking and
  he'd stuffed his face with so much beef he
  complained of going "meat blind." Although we
  reckon Veitch could probably eat more meat than
  Picking; should it be put to some kind of crazy
  internet test?
http://www.weebls-stuff.com/toons/Meat/


  >> The Shining Computer Game (1982) <<
  HappyToast brings the special sauce of retro
  gaming to the wonderful kebab that is Stanley
  Kubrick. Why can't all movie/game crossovers be
  this good?
http://b3ta.com/links/The_Shining_Computer_Game_Footage_from_1982


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Embassy Challenge

  Last week we wanted to know how to
  protect the new US Embassy.

  Your favourites included:
 
  * FORCE - the truth, the whole truth, and
    nothing but the truth. God help us. 
    (Afinkawan)
http://b3ta.com/board/9137126

  * DOGS - down in Battersea, the animal
    population is ready to do its duty
    (Smallbrainfield)
http://b3ta.com/board/9141908

  * FAGS - raising public alertness via
    the medium of health warnings 
    (jonehboy)
http://b3ta.com/board/9142946

    All these images, and the highest as
    voted by you can be found here:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/americanembassy/


  >> New challenge: Petty Terrorism <<
  Thanks to the Blitz spirit, big July 
  7th-style terror attacks have failed. 
  How can the bad guys bring down the 
  system from within, hitting us where 
  it really hurts... by thinking small?
http://b3ta.com/challenge/pettyterrorism/


  >> Secondary Challenge: House of Whores <<
  Mark Thomas is doing a new show about 
  the recent bribe-a-lord scandals and 
  wants YOU to design some cards to put in 
  phone boxes and hand out at shows. 
  'Hot new peer in town', 'Rent my ermine' 
  - you know the sort of thing. 
  
  Mark will pick a winner to receive a set 
  of bespoke hand-made ovoid wax-shelled 
  Chuckee Egg paint bombs, signed by his 
  good self. Oh yes.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/houseoflords/

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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * MARKETING BOLLOCKS - "You maniacs! You posted
  it! Damn you! Damn you all to hell!", emotes
  thiswasmyclone, "Of course I refer to the link
  of the Virgin complaint letter in the
  newsletter. It's apparently a PR stunt by WCRS
  to get Virgin in the press. I hope you're able
  to sleep tonight knowing that you've just
  contributed to the mighty Branson machine, thus
  aiding in his quest to deflower all children
  and violate all grannies across the land.
  Personally, I feel dirty. And not in a good
  way." 

  * STALKERS READ B3TA - Sahra heavily breathes
  down the broadband, "After the latest
  newsletter, I (and I know I'm not the only one)
  did a little investigative work about this
  Ariana & Russ business so I didn't have to wait
  until next week's newsletter to find out. With
  an unusual name I found Ms Preston in no time,
  and seeing if I could find the broken ex
  boyfriend I was told: 'Ariana has no friends
  named Russ.' I think that says it all."

  * GINGER FUHRER BABY NEWS - Huzzah for Stanley
  William Manuel, born on Monday and weighing
  8lbs 7oz. Well done to Mrs Fuhrer.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/robmanuel/sets/72157613279985392/

  * MEDIA MONKEY - your Fuhrer is also amused
  that .net magazine ran his facetious reply to
  their enquiry:
http://www.netmag.co.uk/zine/discover/packing-them-in


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: FRIDAY GAME
  Perfect Balance

  "Get The Balance Right" sang Depeche Mode,
  possibly in a spooky premonition of this quirky
  little web game. Still, it beats OD'ing on
  heroin and cocaine speedballs and dying twice.
  Yes Dave Gahan, we mean you. BTW: Dave's
  parents worked on the buses; his dad drove
  whilst his mother was a clippy. 
http://www.kongregate.com/games/ttursas/perfect-balance


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include - well,
  actually sod that, here's just a list of recent
  personal irritations with stuff:

  * ONE SOCIAL NETWORK TO RULE THEM ALL - it's
  dreadfully irritating to write a reply to
  someone's Facebook update and then get no reply
  as you realise it's syndicated tweets from
  twitter. Or maybe we should just all just agree
  to ignore each other.

  * MAGAZINES SUBSCRIPTIONS AVAILABLE PROPERLY ON
  AMAZON.CO.UK - and we don't mean giving them
  money so they can send us a box with a number
  in it that we then have to type into a web
  page. What kind of retarded cretin thought that
  up? 

  * DECENT VEG TO BE AVAILABLE IN CORNER SHOPS -
  a couple of manky red onions with only 50%
  usable flesh doesn't cut it sunshine. 

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us. Even the death threats.


-------------------------------------------------

  Subscribe:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
  Unsubscribe:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

-------------------------------------------------

  THANKS:

  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by The Coast Of Yemen,
  LordMatthius, acid_kewpie and redazril.
  Additional linkage and image challenge by
  Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  Sujlols via McBadger.

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  TOP TIP:
  Last week we suggested you make DIY Rennies
  from Polos and some chalk. 13thfloor suggests,
  "In an emergency indigestion situation, say a
  Burger King lunch & all afternoon drinking
  India Pale Ale, if you have no Rennies, eating
  toothpaste will do the job just as well."

-------------------------------------------------

  SICKIPEDIA:
  I've got my first Gamblers Anonymous meeting
  tomorrow. I rang them today to check the time.
  It's fucking ten to one.
http://www.sickipedia.org/

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