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NEWSLETTER: "NOW WHOLLY OWNED... BY LLOYDS TSB"

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This Week:
* ART - Abu Hamza coat hook
* VEITCH - Has 10,000 cocks
* VIDEOS - Newsletter team do 10 songs (!?)

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |    "We're watching our  
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |     savings depreciate
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|      ...together"

B3ta email 346 - 19 Sept 2008

Stick this up your browser and smoke it
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue346/

        Heroin:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
    Exercise:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Hoaxes, sellotape, cocktopede and claymation

  >> Lazy journo caught out <<
  Sneaky godspants craftily edited the Wikipedia
  page for AC Omonia just before a game with Man
  City. Timed nicely so the Mirror's pre-match
  report included the 'fact' that the club's
  fans wear hats made from shoes. Wah. If you
  can't trust Wikipedia 100% where can you go
  for truth?
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Lazy_Journalist


  >> Wrapping food in sellotape <<
  Brave investigator Mark Lorraine tests whether
  sticky back plastic is a good way to preserve
  a packed lunch. To cut a long story short, it
  doesn't phase people that much when you pull
  out a tapey sandwich, but it takes a fuck of a
  long time to unwrap it.
http://marklorraine.blogspot.com/


  >> The cocktopede <<
  Butters does the visual honours, while Joel
  and the gang extol the wonders of a creature
  with one hundred cocks but no hands or feet.
http://rathergood.com/cocktopede/


  >> JibJab songs <<
  Rob and Dave have been labouring hard for
  weeks with plasticine and scissors to craft
  these animations and songs about birthdays,
  thank-yous and apologies. If nothing else, you
  have to check out Rob's stab at ginger calypso.
http://www.robmanuel.com/2008/09/15/jibjab-10-more-songs/


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Social Networking Gaffes

  Last week we wanted to know your worst mistakes 
  using social networking sites:
http://b3ta.com/questions/socialnetworking/

  * TRANNYBO - "I'm more of the email generation,
  but my mates pestered me to join Bebo. So I join
  and hunt for people that I know. A few days
  later I thought I'd look for some cousins and my
  sister. I find a cousin, and I find my sister. 
  Now my sister is called Jo, and my cousin is
  called Joe. They have the same surnames as my
  cousin is from the paternal side. So I click on
  the Jo and it is someone else. Not my sister.
  Fine. Then I click on the Joe and find my sister's
  face on the page. My brain didn't process it for
  a minute, until I looked at the picture again.
  It was my sister, but she was wearing a suit
  and tie and some sort of wig. How very odd I
  think - must be some sort of fancy dress thing.
  Student japery. I request that we be friends and
  leave it at that. I also send a text message to
  her jokingly referring to her as Joe. Five
  minutes later I get a phone call from my
  hysterical, weeping sister begging me not to
  tell our parents. "Please donít tell them I want
  to be a man!" ... Christmas 2007 was interesting."
  (powervator)
     
  * TRANNYBOOK - "Last time I visited my folks
  I needed to check my emails, so I excused myself
  and went to use their computer. They'd left it
  on with the browser open on their last viewed
  page. I went to shut down the page, but you know
  when you're skimming through a magazine and
  something jumps out and grabs you attention?
  Well it was like that. Kind of. Except the words
  that jumped out were "Horny Transvestite" and
  "a girl just wants to have fun". Turns out, old
  father dearest had been masquerading as a
  transsexual on the internet and even posted
  photographs of himself in drag. Now it was bad
  enough seeing my mum in her undies when I was 6,
  but fucking horrific seeing my dad in her undies
  15 years later. According to him it was just a
  bit of fun. Then it dawned on me somebody must
  have taken the photos as he was unable to set
  the timer on the camera. And that, dear readers,
  is how I found out my parents are swingers. God
  bless social fucking networking."
  (Holy Cremola Foam Batman)
     
  * NANNYBOOK - "Don't let your nan join facebook.
  Whilst my nan is quite an internet savvy lady:
  she's mastered email to keep in touch with us
  from Spain, books holidays online and no longer
  calls out the IT engineer when MSN pops up. Alas
  she was keen to join in facebook after some
  cousins mentioned all the photos on there. The
  next time said cousins visited, they allowed
  the most retarded one (honestly, it's like
  letting a donkey wear a dress) set up a profile
  for dear old nan. Her name is Mrs Cox. What did
  retard set her up as? NANNY COCKS. Imagine
  logging into your email and seeing that, 'Nanny
  Cocks has requested to be your friend.' Worse,
  her profile had been left wide open to everyone
  (interesting and congratulatory wall postings
  abounded) and she wouldn't give up the password
  for us to change it in case we, 'changed her
  letters and emails.' My brother went out to
  Spain in August and thankfully she is now no
  longer a Cock Nan." (Fizzylegs)


  >> This Week's Question <<

  We'd like your tales of food sabotage. Revenge
  is sweet. Or is it really, really salty? One of
  the two. Talk to us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/foodsabotage/


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Abu Hamza coat hook <<
  Funny old designer ponces - now you can
  combine your love for comedy cleric Hamza with
  your desire not to lose the car keys.
  Marvellous! 
http://www.b3ta.com/links/hook


  >> The Wisdom of Herds settles arguments <<
  At least that is the idea behind this site
  where warring couples post their version of a
  row and allow the wisdom of nerds to decide
  who's right. It's like a Web 2.0 Jeremy Kyle
  show.
 http://www.sidetaker.com/index.php


  >> Terrible 9/11 art <<
  We're all still feeling the fallout of the
  tragic events of 11th September 2001. But
  amongst the worst is the massive proliferation
  of mawkishly sentimental 'tribute' art. Crying
  eagle - need we say more?
http://snipurl.com/911truth  [wonkette_com] 


  >> World's longest personal ad <<
  Man seeks wife. But she must know her place.
  About a thousand terms and conditions follow.
http://snipurl.com/youremywifenow  [blog_360_yahoo_com] 


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Betamax lols for the over 30s

  >> Stealthy cat <<
  Cute little kitty sneaking up on the camera.
  Every time you look away and then back she's a
  little closer, without seeming to have moved.
  Bit like that episode of Doctor Who with the
  evil statues.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/stealthy_cat


  >> Internet porn and you <<
  Animated documentary explaining the place of
  internet porn in the average, everyday life.
  The wheedling little laptop is great -
  "But there's always time for internet porn!"
http://current.com/items/89298493_internet_porn_you 


  >> Sticky note experiment <<
  The blokes behind the coke and mentos stuff
  make amazing technicolour fountains and
  waterfalls using only Post-It notes. Wonderful
  - makes you sick with jealousy at their talent.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/sticky_note_experiment


  >> Guys make out behind reporter <<
  Two blokes arsing around behind the back of an
  unsuspecting financial reporter, slightly
  undercutting the gravitas of the piece.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4lnFTpoSalk


  >> The Star Trek A-Team <<
  If the title doesn't get you clicking then
  nothing we can write will. Still, we liked
  this peculiar opening sequence of the A Team,
  as played by members of the Enterprise. B.A.
  Baracus is a little unlikely, mind...
http://www.b3ta.com/links/The_Star_Trek_A_Team


  >> "I Fucked Your Mum <<
  Not the cleverest Katy Perry parody. But we
  liked it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BJ8LxIF9dIc


  >> Memes for DJs <<
  For your remix convenience, a big wodge of
  internet memes sampled in one place to
  download. See if you can guess them all
  without cheating and looking at the list.
http://jamiedubs.com/meme-breaks/


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: FUNNY NAME CORNER 
  Penis special!

  "I have made a thing for B3ta", proudly writes
  Mr Gear, "It is a short photo-project
  investigating the origins of the CDC
  (crudely-drawn cock) from Roman times."
http://snipurl.com/2000yearscdc  [flickr_com] 


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Thom Yorke Challenge

  Last week we wanted to you to give Thom
  Yorke a makeover.

  Your favourites included:
 
  * 3D - pay attention: this beautifully rendered
  image took more than three days to create
  (taters)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8746947

  * ASCII - whereas this probably took about ten
  seconds, but is no less lovely (Ttssatsr)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8729454

  * PARANOID ANDROID - Yorkie as done by H.R.
  Giger (ManekiNeko)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8738578

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/thomyorke/


  >> New challenge: Emoticons 2.0 <<
  It's 2008, and we need new animated emoticons
  to express feelings other than lol. 
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/smilies/


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories

   * NOT SO INNOCENT GOOGLE IMAGE QUERIES - last
   week we asked you for inoffensive words than
   produced porn. 
 
http://images.google.co.uk/images?q=granny
http://images.google.co.uk/images?q=snooker
http://images.google.co.uk/images?q=secretary
http://images.google.co.uk/images?q=Sleeping
http://images.google.co.uk/images?q=innocent
 
  BTW: stuartianmacpherson also mentions, "you
  can determine a male friends gayness by typing
  their name into google images and counting the
  number of pages before you see a cock."


  * CAL SPEAKS - long term b3tans will remember
  Cal Henderson, the chap who coded most of our
  site before relocating in San Francisco to work
  on Flickr. Miss him? Then listen to his,
  actually rather amusing, take on the
  shortcomings of a currently-fashionable
  programming framework called Django. WARNING:
  This is hardcore geek-only chat, which is
  possibly why we loved it.
http://snipurl.com/callovesdjango  [www_b3ta_com] 


  * KITTEN FACTS - Pyrotyger shouts, "Regarding
  the Pussy vs. Printer vid: it's a she, not a
  he. All tortoise-shell cats have two
  X-chromosomes (selective X-activation of
  different patches of skin in a developing
  embryo is the cause) and so are almost all
  female. I'm not a vicious pedant, I just
  thought it was the sort of random trivia that
  would interest you."
  
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * WHICH IS GAYER? "Gay Apple" is 19m Google
  results, whilst "Gay Microsoft" gets 16m
  results. Hence Apple is gayer than Microsoft.
  Fact. Write an application which tests the
  comparative gayness of everything. With
  pie-charts for extra win.

  * CAMDEN LOCK FAN EDIT - we've noticed the
  canal bridge in Camden in loads of videos -
  including this recent Microsoft advert. Can
  someone round all these shots up and run them
  together? It would make us happy.
http://snurl.com/microsoftvistalols  [gizmodo_com] 

  * SCRAMBLED SNAKE EGG - might be tasty, might
  be rank. Can you test it and find out?

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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  Taxis:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
  Taxes:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

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  THANKS:
  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by adam-b3ta,
  fatboyginge james.almond coolchick365ca
  the_lord_virulent and YOUR FUCKING MUM.
  Additional linkage and image challenge by
  Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  Sublol via nordelius.
  
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  TOP TIP:
  When roasting potatoes for your Sunday
  lunch/dinner, before putting them in the oven,
  cover each one with a light coating of olive
  oil. This will bring a nice crispy texture to
  your roast spud. What's your opinion?
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/toptips/post244882


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  SICKIPEDIA:
  "I'm a 14 year-old girl looking for a 45-55
  year-old man for online webcam fun. Email me:
  operationlolita@metpolice.uk"
http://www.sickipedia.org/

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