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NEWSLETTER: "WOULDN'T IT BE GREAT IF A SNAKE WAS LIKE A CUDDLY SCARF?"

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This Week:
* SCIENCE - Chocolate teapot tested
* HAWKING - Speaks! For you!
* FUNNY NAME CORNER - Bigger than ever. Hooray!

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |    "We're still touching
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|     cloth... together"

B3ta email 344 - 4 Sept 2008

Wear this issue with your trousers:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue344/

           AZT:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
         HRT:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
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: SPONSORED LINK
  We love a good dongle.

  If you do too, and can draw/illustrate/design
  or use Paint, then please send us a poster
  somehow inspired by or vaguely related to 3's
  new mobile broadband USB device. The best one
  will get £500 and be printed alongside work by
  Ben UFO, Sophie Kern, and Steven Wilson.
http://tinyurl.com/57gvob


  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Choco-Tea, Hawking, Hot Tamale and My Car

  >> Chocolate teapot <<
  "We decided to test out how useful a chocolate
  teapot could be," explains TheAlmightyBeev,
  embarking on a mighty bout of kitchen science.
  It depends very much on whether you like your
  tea completely ruined with chocolate, of
  course. But the results may surprise you.
http://snipurl.com/friends_of_goldacre  


  >> Hawking lecture <<
  Do stick with this, as Professor Stephen
  Hawking pauses a while before addressing a
  packed conference room. Thanks to masakatsu
  for this exclusive footage.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Hawking_Lecture


  >> Hot tamale <<
  You like tamale? We like tamale. Well, to be
  honest, we had to go to Wikipedia to actually
  check what a tamale is. And you know what?
  Someone had already linked from there to this
  lovely song by Jonti. That's how definitive
  his work is.
http://www.weebls-stuff.com/toons/Tamale/


  >> My Car <<
  Veitchmaster Joel zooms around the countryside
  in a Mini, dodging mariachis and belting out a
  jaunty tune. Then events take a slightly
  darker turn... Particularly liked the footage
  of Joel jerkily 'flying' around.
http://www.rathergood.com/my_car/


-------------------------------------------------

: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Will you go out with me?

  Last week we wanted to know how you'd managed
  to get the love of your life to go out with
  you or, failing that, how badly you'd been
  turned down. Rather than ruin the lovely
  stories you contributed by editing them down,
  instead we encourage you to go read them here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/gooutwithme/

  For you plain-text newslettery types,
  Apeloverage went to town with the Tim
  Vine-style puns this week. Here's his finest
  moments:
  
  * "They call me the record collector, because
  I've got 12 inches, and I'm single."

  * "Do you come here often? Or do you wait
  until you get home?" 

  * We met at the adoption agency... I said "do
  you come here orphan?" 

  * She had cataracts... Eventually she said she
  couldn't see me any more. 

  * She said I treated her like an idiot. I said
  "I just wanted to make you feel special." 

  * We met at the leper colony... but we split
  up. 

  * "I subscribed to your bloody porn site, and
  spent six months tracking you down - YOU OWE
  ME!" I'm still single - women eh? 
     

  >> This Week's Question <<
  Customers are always right? Bollocks they are.
  Talk to us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/customersfromhell/


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Kermit Bale <<
  What do Christian Bale and Kermit the Frog
  have in common? Both feature in this epic post
  that caused one commenter to state, "I'm happy
  people have too much time on their hands,
  otherwise the internets would not be lulz
  filled."
http://community.livejournal.com/ohnotheydidnt/27350111.html


  >> Big crappy city <<
  Props to the goons on Something Awful, who
  have taken time off from killing kittens to
  build a city. Yep, one of those isometric
  pixel art things. This wins by being less
  namby-pamby than most attempts in this area.
http://www.gooncity.com/


  >> Lego'd video games <<
  Neat and obvious idea here - recreate old
  video games in Lego. This Flickr group can
  only grow and grow. (BTW: It's missing the
  easier entries like Pong and Snake for some
  reason. Guess they were too easy.)
http://snipurl.com/geeks_bricking_it  [www_flickr_com] 


  >> Peculiar Polish film posters <<
  Unlike food writer Giles Coren, whose recent
  "fuck the Poles" outburst has alarmed B3ta
  Towers, we're decidedly pro-Polish here. And
  what better way to celebrate their
  contribution to making the world smile than
  these wonderful, inspirational posters for
  Hollywood movies.
http://snipurl.com/needs_polish  [wellmedicated_com] 

 
 >> Google Chrome mockery <<
  We've been hoo to the ha this week with
  excitement at the news that Google have
  produced their own browser. Well, we would be
  more excited but they haven't made a version
  for our gay designery Macs so we haven't seen
  it yet. But the PC-using geeks at TheReg have
  been mocking up paranoid
  allyourgooglebelongtous stuff from the
  accompanying comic Google brought out. BTW:
  The artist is Scott McCloud and we'd recommend
  his Understanding Comics book to ANYONE.
http://snipurl.com/chromey_lols  [www_theregister_co_uk] 


  >> Great shirt, great reviews <<
  Real men wear Wolf Shirts - read the comments.
  READ THEM NOW.
http://www.birkoph.com/Wolf_tshirt.htm


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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
  Flying kitten

  Funny, little baby cat is channelling the
  power of Satan to hover in the corner of a
  room, looking adorable. Feed him souls!
http://snipurl.com/donotlookintohiseyes
[www_fotothing_com] 


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Cinema is now 2inches wide!

  >> Film classics - with gremlins! <<
  Your favourite films but with digitally-added
  gremlins in well-chosen scenes. Raiders of the
  Lost Ark is particularly improved.
http://snipurl.com/withaddedgremlins  [www_b3ta_com] 


  >> Ape vs. owl <<
  Hard to imagine a TV concept riper for fuckup
  than "let's make a wildlife show co-presented
  by an excitable chimp!" The ape doesn't
  disappoint, being startled into action by an
  unfortunate owl.
http://snipurl.com/owlmonkeyrage  [www_b3ta_com] 


  >> Parachute fail-cam <<
  This gave us the fucking fear. Hand-held
  camera footage from a basejumper whose
  parachute didn't open. Basically, he plummeted
  down several hundred feet, yelling in terror.
  Fortunately got away with just a broken leg.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/europe/7596528.stm


  >> Wassup Holmes <<
  The Great Detective and amanuensis Watson take
  on a hip hop Hound of the Baskervilles.
  Ripping yarn and a great addition to the whole
  'zomg look at those white guys rap' genre.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Wassup_Holmes


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: FUNNY NAME CORNER 
  Fucking hell, bigger than ever

  * DICK BUSCH ARCHITECTS - double win, a
  phallic logo and a rude name. Almost too rich
  for our palate.
http://www.dickbuscharchitects.com/team.htm


  * HANNAH MONTANA COCK CANDY - now we know why
  Miley Cyrus has such a husky voice: Catholic
  girls' mouthwash.
http://i38.tinypic.com/142ykxt.jpg


  * SWOLLEN BELL-END - another entry for the
  endless desire for penises on the company
  stationery.  
http://www.bestcompaniesguide.co.uk/about_us.aspx


  * INAPPROPRIATE CAPTION - naughty BBC!
  Sticking "The family were last seen at a
  barbecue on Monday last week" on a story where
  they were all burnt to death is not what we
  pay our license fee for. 
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/shropshire/7594411.stm


  * POWERFUL CUNT! - "I have the unfortunate
  pleasure of working for Poundland in
  Wolverhampton," moans Popidge, "and came
  across this in our toy section the other day.
  If I didn't know any better, I'd say the
  yellow writing partly obscuring the 'G' and
  the stylised picture of a gun were placed
  there on purpose."
http://xs130.xs.to/xs130/08356/dsc00642784.jpg


  * WHY COPY PROOFING IS A GOOD IDEA - hint:
  Check out the Windows tabs of the developer's
  screenshot.
http://www.orangelabel.com/icons.htm


  * WELSH 419 SCAM - we got the oddest bit of
  spam today, instead of the usual Nigerian
  demands for money, we got one from Wales, that
  well-known Third World nation. "LETTER FROM
  LOLLY STEVENS. MAY I APOLOGISE FOR INTRUDING
  INTO YOUR PRIVACY. MY NAME IS LOLLY STEVENS A
  CITIZEN OF WALES PRESENTLY IN ENGLAND. MY
  FAMILY AND I ARE  HAVING PROBLEMS GETTING OUR
  FAMILY FUNDS(TWENTY MILLION DOLLARS) OUT  OF A
  SECURITY COMPANY IN HOLLAND, SINCE THE DEATH
  OF MY FATHER. WE NEED YOUR HELP TO ASSIST US
  AND  YOU WILL HAVE A SHARE OF SEVEN MILLION
  DOLLARS , BUT SINCE WE HAVE NOT  MET BEFORE, I
  DECIDED TO SEEK FOR YOUR PERMISSION BEFORE
  GIVING YOU THE DETAILS. IF YOU WILL BE SO KIND
  ENOUGH TO GRANT ME THE PERMISSION, I WILL BE
  GLAD TO GIVE YOU THE  DETAILS.THANK YOU FOR
  YOUR TIME AND I WILL BE WAITING FOR YOUR
  RESPONSE." (BTW: Hope this gets through the
  spam filters, we're such idiots for actually
  running spam.)


-------------------------------------------------

: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Mousetrap Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to design a 
  modern mousetrap.

  Your favourites included:
 
  * PATENT PENDING - not just a killing machine,
  but a work of serious art (ManekiNeko)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8699636

  * CHEESE PHYSICS - like the above, but with
  added science (Panjandrum)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8698173

  * STINGER - police brutality knows literally
  no bounds (Bloop)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8690822

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/mousetrap/


  >> New challenge: Extending Film Scenes <<
  This week, we challenge you to extend famous
  film scenes: NOT film posters, but actual
  scenes. Show what is happening out of shot or
  in the next room. Challenge suggested by
  masterconnor.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/filmscenes/


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * MZUNGU RACISM LOLS - Dr Nick writes, "I've
  spent a lot of time working in Africa, so I
  read with interest in the newsletter about
  Joel's dad's Mzungu T shirt. Mzungu is
  something that gets shouted at me quite a lot
  whilst I'm in Uganda, Tanzania, and other
  crazy African countries. It means 'Pasty white
  person'. Sort of like a reverse 'Nigger'." Heh
  - weirdly this makes Joel's song a comment on
  colonial oppression. Right on Veitch!

  * PAUL CARR 'THE BOOK' - best known as the
  bloke behind the Friday Thing newsletter and
  the publisher of our joke book, has written
  his memoirs. It's Nathan Barley meets Alan
  Partridge and we loved it. Especially when we
  realised we could google about and find his
  ex-girlfriend's blog via the page history bit
  of Wikipedia.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/029785545X/b3ta-21


-------------------------------------------------

: FRIDAY GAME
  Oh fuck, we didn't back up

  Continuation of our E4 "build a game" project,
  and being complete idiots we've ballsed it all
  up with a hard disk crash. All the data is
  lost.
http://www.e4.com/joystick/week-06.html

  Thankfully E4 are being nice about it, and
  promise not to set fire to our house if we
  give their compo a few more plugs. OK - here
  we go. Listen up kids! Make a flash game -
  there's £5k on the table and your Ginger
  Fuhrer is one of the judges. 
http://www.e4.com/joystick/enter.html

  But on a more playful note - this game, sent
  in by Rhodri, is excellent. He writes, "I
  can't stop. It's killing me."
http://puzzles.com.br/puzzle/totem-destroyer/


-------------------------------------------------

: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * DEEP FAT FRYER LOLS - can you cook a creme
  egg? Or a Ginster's cheese slice? More
  importantly, can you eat it without vomiting?

  * USB RADIO - what a rubbish thing this would
  be! We're looking round the room and reckon
  the 5V you get from a USB cable would be
  enough to power our radio. Goodbye wireless -
  welcome future. BTW: Does Wired magazine now
  feel a bit passe? Shouldn't they rename
  themselves Wiredless? Or Lulz 2.0?

  * TOO MANY COCKS SPOIL THE BREATH? Is this
  true? Can someone test this for us? Job done!

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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-------------------------------------------------

  THANKS:
  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
  David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by iowaseven,
  JugglerJAF, jamie33lee, applehead,
  davetheexplosivenewt, lidlfukinkev,
  clumsyeloquence, kapitan sparky, and not
  forgetting the lovely tlsh_uk. If you notice
  this bit of text then you have AIDS. Top
  Tippery by Jeru. Additional linkage and image
  challenge by Fraser Lewry. Subjlol via Mighty
  Nibus. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. WOO to
  b4ta. (YAY)
  
-------------------------------------------------

  TOP TIP:
  The other day a lettuce told me to avoid doing
  stand up in Workingmen's Clubs. I don't know
  if I'd listen to him though, it's just the tip
  of the iceberg.

-------------------------------------------------

  SICKIPEDIA:
  How do you get a Jewish girl's number? Roll up
  her sleeve.
http://www.sickipedia.org/

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