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NEWSLETTER: "IF YOU DRINK EVERY DAY YOU ARE AN ALCOHOLIC. THANK GOD WE ONLY DRINK EVERY NIGHT"

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This Week:
* PHOTOS - Symmetry Flickr toy
* GET RICH QUICK - YOUR guide on how to do it
* VIDEO - Rejected Bond Theme

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       web... together"

B3ta email 340 - 8 AUG 2008

Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue340/

       Subscribe:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
         Unsub:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
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: SPONSORED LINK
  Top Secret

  Ever wondered how you would react in a life or
  death situation? Upload your photo - put
  yourself in the picture for the Spooks Code 9
  interactive video.
http://tinyurl.com/55mb87

  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Not 1, not 2, not 3 but 4 links, count 'em

  >> Mirror image generator <<
  "Here's a little project I've been working on
  this week," beams xlcus. "It grabs photos from
  Flickr on any subject you like (e.g. kittens,
  or other fluffy things) and then presents them
  as pairs of mirrored halves." Adds a new level
  of weirdness to lolcats btw. 
http://symmetry.sytes.org/


  >> Hairless mouse mutants <<
  Not sure if propagating horrid rodent/scrotum
  hybrids counts as 'making' but 2roxfox boasts
  "I breed these mutants in my shed and am
  accused by neighbours of attracting snakes."
  Those snakes have strong stomachs, my friend.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/2roxfox/sets/72157603025056164/


  >> Listy social network thingy <<
  Log, of Law of the Playground fame, has a
  spanky new project on the go. "Listopia is
  built on the love of lists, and adding to them.
  If you like lists, adding to lists, or even
  starting lists and having other people add to
  them, then may I humbly suggest Listopia: the
  place that can't stop using the word lists."
  Good results so far...!
http://www.listopia.co.uk


  >> The Wrong Door <<
  Blimey. Mr Wheatley's only gone and landed a
  full-on comedy series on BBC Three. Should be
  coming to your screens "soon" but here is a
  taster. BTW, on the basis that the best is at
  the top, the BBC's scheduling press release
  rates it very highly. Much, much better than
  Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/the_wrong_door:2


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Get Rich Quick

  We wanted to know the best way of getting rich
  quickly. Because, frankly, writing the QOTW
  bit of this newsletter every week isn't quite
  cutting it:
http://b3ta.com/questions/getrichquick/

  * DRUGS - "This is not to be recommended if you
  are middle class and soft, like every braying
  bastard Sebastian and Jack at Glastonbury since
  the mid-90s. We found two teenage boys snivelling
  outside the Christian Aid tent and asked them what
  was wrong: "We spent a grand on a block of hash
  to sell. We got in, and went up to this bloke and
  asked him if he wanted any drugs. He said 'great,
  thanks', pulled out a knife and took the drugs,
  and our wallets, kicked us up the arse and then
  walked off whistling."
  (debbie meadon's secret extra armpit)
     
  * DI DIED - "We were doing a car boot sale the
  day Di lost an argument with a pillar, and there
  was loads of gossip about whether she was actually
  gone. I strolled to the shop to buy a paper to
  confirm the news that she had indeed died. We
  took one look at the Charles and Di wedding plate
  we were selling that had been studiously ignored
  all morning, took off the one pound sticker and
  replaced it with a twenty quid sticker. Sold
  within 10 minutes."
  (Halfy)
     
  * DEAR RYANAIR - "1) You are a bunch of rich cunts.
  But, unfortunately, you're proud of that fact. 2)
  You hate people. You hate your staff. You hate your
  passengers. Your contempt for people is utterly
  unparalleled. They hate you. It's fine. However,
  your flights are astonishingly cheap. 3) I have
  the solution to your PR. It will make you nicer
  and people might not hate you as much. Therefore
  ultimately richer! 4) Here's a clue. I would rather
  pay 50 quid IN ONE GO for a flight, than a flight
  advertised at a pound with 49 pounds worth of hidden
  extras because every time you do this I feel like I
  am being raped by a stupid Irish cock. You make me
  feel like shit. Which is why I fly Easyjet now.
  Who incidentally, are like a Bugatti Veyron to
  your rusty Reliant Robin. 5) Make the inside of
  your planes SLIGHTLY nicer. Just tone down that
  fucking yellow. 6) Michael Leary, whatever your name
  is... You are a cunt. 7) Profit!"
  (I have run out of coke )


  >> This Week's Question <<
  Bled recently? Been somewhere that looked like the
  inside of Dexter's lab? Got a hurty finger? Talk to
  us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/blood/



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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Mythological creatures <<
  Unicorns: maybe just a pre-op horse to you, but
  we're happy now the credit crunch has hit and
  advertising staff are being paid in LSD. For
  only drugs, yes, mind-expanding psychedelics,
  can explain a world where this concept is
  approved to flog a dating website. BTW:
  Wikipedia reckons a unicorn's horn will
  neutralise poison; which is much like the
  day-dream we had the other day where we could
  spread an anti-AIDS virus using our cocks.
  Hooray!
http://tenreasonsitwouldruletodateaunicorn.com/


  >> Painty optical illusions <<
  Pop stars! Want a great location for your new
  music video? Head on down to Eureka Tower car
  park in Melbourne Australia and let the
  apparently crazy but actually rather clever
  sign-writing make the TV fatties press redial on
  those request-a-vid TV channels. You might want
  some ladies in gold pants too. We know we do.
http://snurl.com/gotthepaintersin  [www_ridelust_com] 


  >> Brian May sexy fiction <<
  This is why the government should bring back
  national service for homosexuals - they clearly
  haven't got enough to do and they're reduced to
  writing (admittedly extremely amusing) slash
  fiction fantasies about our nation's favourite
  celebrities. 
http://howthegoodlooknaked.wordpress.com/


  >> Are you a bird or a bloke? <<
  The internet has the power to tell, based on
  what websites are in your browser history.
  Although it didn't work for us as we keep the
  cache emptied lest our official b3ta wife espy
  just how long we spend looking at photos of
  naked ladies. BTW: If you still can't tell if
  you're a lady or a man, then try throwing a
  ball. If you've just gone, "Ooh, no, I'm
  inside," then you're definitely a woman.
http://snurl.com/ladydar  [www_mikeonads_com] 


  >> Animals squashed against glass <<
  Looking for a new animal photograph-based meme?
  Bored of icanhascheezburger, gapingmaws.com and
  catsthatlooklikehitler.com? You need 'animals
  squashed against glass'. Not the snappiest
  title, but it does what it says on the tin.
http://snurl.com/10secondwonders  [www_bestweekever_tv] 


  >> Mawkish non lols <<
  "The other week I made a joke about Alzheimer's
  live on TV. You should have seen the envelopes
  I got," Jasper Carrot once joked, so if you see
  him around, send him the link to this rather
  moving photographic account of a 98-year-old man
  and his daily struggle with his own memory. We
  hope Jasper never suffers the indignity of
  Alzheimer's. We hope he gets cancer instead.
  In his bum.
http://www.dayswithmyfather.com/


  >> Critter computer case << 
  When case mods and taxidermy meet there's only
  one loser - the beaver. BTW: If you meet an
  annoying casemod nerd, here's how to wind him
  up. Say, "Oh that's really cute. It's like when
  teenage girls customise their phones with
  stickers."
http://snurl.com/mumsloveubuntu  [www_geekologie_com] 


  >> Desperate money-making scam of the week? <<
  The interweb is a fruit machine - if you know
  how to game it you can make it pay out. Alex
  Tew did well with his million-dollar home page,
  earlier this week there was the $999 iPhone app
  sold on the theory 'it's a way of showing off
  how rich you are' and the latest? Flush a
  dollar down the toilet - yep a real dollar.
  Sign up using Paypal. We predict a net profit
  of $43.
http://www.flushabuck.com/


  >> New perverts! <<
  Thank God for Flickr, without it we wouldn't
  know about our new favourite fetishist. He
  likes stepping fully-clothed into a swimming
  pool and taking photos of his pant bulge. We've
  added him as a friend, as we're all Web 2.0. 
http://www.flickr.com/photos/soaked2008/


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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
  An exquisite kitten

  Adorable baby calico cat lounges fetchingly in
  a variety of appealing locales; baskets,
  bowls, you name it. The comments do go a bit
  mental though. Never use Google in anger.
http://www.karmapanda.com/gatito-exquisito/


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Blink rapidly and pretend they're flickbooks

  >> The amazing lyrebird <<
  Softly-spoken wildlife supremo David
  Attenborough introduces us to the vocal
  stylings of Australia's lyrebird. To be honest,
  this actually had us going until the
  Seinfeld-esque slap bass.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/The_Amazing_Lyrebird_of_Australia


  >> Christian drum'n'bass <<
  Some evangelical types give praise to Jesus
  through the medium of dance. That's something
  we can all respect. 
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Evangelical_Drum_and_Bass


  >> Rejected Bond Theme <<
  Spoof film soundtrack put together by someone
  with only the vaguest knowledge of, or
  interest in, the plot.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Quantum_of_Solace_potential_theme


  >> Westwood meets Jay-Z <<
  38-year-old rapper Jay-Z gets together with
  50-year-old disk jockey Tim Westwood at the
  Glastonbury festival. They really, really do
  talk a load of old shit though, don't they?
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Westwood_and_Jay_Z


  >> Rainbow conspiracy! <<
  Conspiracy buffs and general nutcases are two
  a penny on teh interwebs. But this lady
  deserves special mention for her firmly-held
  belief that rainbows are there because of
  government conspiracy.
http://www.break.com/index/insane-rainbow-conspiracy-lady.html


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: FUNNY NAME CORNER 
  Retards & Peados, B3ta as per usual

  * RETARDEX - "clinically proven to eliminate
  bad breath" although with modern screening
  there is less of a need for this these days.
http://www.periproducts.co.uk/retardex.asp

  * PEDIALYTE - "helps kids feel better fast",
  keep telling yourself that Mr Nabokov.
http://pedialyte.com/


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Hats Challenge

  Last week featured one of our legendary
  one-word challenges: hats.

  Your favourites included:
 
  * RITZY - nightmarish, freakish, entirely
  unpleasant animation. Also rather beautiful.
  (HappyToast)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8610693

  * VINTAGE - this lady has breasts. Oh, and a
  hat. (kingsuperspecial)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8612245

  * POEM - Edward Lear's owl/pussy pairing in
  near-disaster scenario. (Tribs)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8612737

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/hats/


  >> New challenge: Recession <<
  How is the down turn in the global economy
  going to affect us? What changes are we going
  to see in the not-too-distant future? Are we
  screwed? Show us. Challenge suggested by Holly
  Would
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/recession/


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * ELECTRIC TEA EXPERIMENT - orbrey's secondary
  school science training reveals that it's more
  efficient to boil water in a kettle than on a
  gas hob "because the element heats the water
  directly therefore less heat is lost to the
  environment." A grateful nation salutes you.


  * BAD MOVIE TITLE - 'Jism' was a pretty poor name,
  but pixelmixer submits for our perusal 'Help,
  I'm Being Crushed to Death by a Black
  Rectangle.' Pornotastic?
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0475606/


  * SHEEP'S PRINTER is a laser printer, not an
  inkjet at all LIKE WE THOUGHT. Thanks to the
  vigilant pedantry of Amos E Wolfe for catching
  that one. We've learned our lesson: NO MORE
  JOKES IN THE NEWSLETTER.


  * BREAD FROM PASTA - apparently there actually IS
  a bread crisis in Italy rather than it being
  just a crap joke from last newsletter. Who
  knew? Anyway, crackhouseceilidhband informs us
  that inflated European grain prices mean
  grinding pasta to make bread is non-viable.
  Bah. Let them eat pizza!


  * 2 CUPS + 1 BAG = BAD - Our technique for
  eking out the b3ta tea-bag stores apparently
  results in only the first cup containing
  nourishing, life-giving caffeine. This
  info-bombshell from TechImp has sparked off
  furtive cup-swapping shenanigans every time we
  take a break. Or Rob is trying to poison me.
http://snurl.com/coughsplutterchoke [en_wikipedia_org] 


  * JORDAN/PETER ANDRE BOOK - luvtub beams, "WAAAY
  back in Newsletter #261 you featured a piece on
  the magic that was the collaboration between
  pop-washout Peter Andre and his
  wife/model-turned-horrible-warbler Katie Price.
  Here lies a fitting coda to that story,
  featuring 40,000 birdshit-covered copies of
  their album and a video of the hapless couple
  in action."
http://snurl.com/awholepooworld [new_uk_music_yahoo_com] 


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: FRIDAY GAME
  Most common words

  Can you guess what are the 50 most-used words
  in the English language? Sadly 'lol' and 'teh'
  aren't there.
http://snurl.com/commonwords [codebox_no-ip_net] 

  Continuing our game diary for E4, this week
  there's about 4 pages of it as we horrifically
  overwrote.
http://www.e4.com/joystick/week-02.html


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * AIR DRUM - write a Flash thing that works
  with a webcam, so you can mine drum parts and
  hear them WITH YOUR EARS.

  * BARIO 64 - hack the old N64 ROM and replace
  the speech samples with Brummie accents.

  * POSTCARDS FROM THE EDGE - "Dear Bono, wish
  you were here" - Ok we've nicked this joke from
  NME circa 1990.

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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-------------------------------------------------

  THANKS:
  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by stevethedalek, 
  hollyloveshercamera, dj2323. Additional linkage
  and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike
  Trinder is QOTW bloke. Subjlol via MICK THE MAG.
  
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  TOP TIP:
  Avoid parking tickets by removing your
  windscreen wipers (Mime)

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  SICKIPEDIA:
  Barry George, the guy just acquitted of Jill
  Dando's murder, has vowed to never stalk women
  again after eight years in prison. Don't be too
  hard on yourself, Barry, since you went in
  they've invented Facebook and we're all fucking
  at it now.
http://www.sickipedia.org/

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