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NEWSLETTER: "GUEST-WRITTEN BY DR RAJ PERSAUD"

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This Week:
* QUIZ - Who's younger?
* JINGLE - It's Rainham Sheds! 
* OLD PEOPLE - And their bloody useless advice

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____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      "Half number of the 
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      beast - ooh scary"
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B3ta email 333 - 20 Jun 2008 

Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue333/

  Cloven hoof:    b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
 Regular hoof:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
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: SPONSORED LINK
  Playstation character compo

  Getting a job as a game designer proving
  tricky? Don't Panic want you to create a
  character for the upcoming Playstation 3 game
  LittleBigPlanet. The winning entry gets massive
  exposure and a glowing sense of pride (plus a
  copy of the game and a PS3). Entries to
http://www.dontpaniconline.com


  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Quizzes, Graphs and generally very sexy things

  >> Who's Younger? <<
  Your Ginger Fuhrer has recently been looking at
  the lines on his face and the grey in his once
  luxuriant-red mane and wondering where his
  youth has gone. And in a vain attempt to make
  himself feel better he's turned his pain into a
  quiz. "Complete horse shit, I don't look a day
  over 25," writes the nazi titian, "And writing
  lies about myself in the third person is just
  weird."
http://www.whosyounger.com/


  >> IMDB film length project <<
  Last week we asked you to bash up a quick data
  analysis to find out if films were getting
  shorter or longer. Short answer? They're
  getting longer. Long answer, then get clicky.
  Thanks Mr infinitypoint0.
http://www.infinitypoint0.com/60/imdb-film-length-project/


  >> Beginner's Guide to HDR <<
  "Nowhere near as b3taesque as last week's Munchy
  Box review," blithers jaredearle, "but here's
  my absolute beginner's guide to HDR
  Photography." Woo hoo! We really really need to
  get off our arses and try this out. Bracketing,
  posh cameras, must do this.
http://blog.23x.net/?p=7


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Accidental Innuendo

  Last week we asked if you'd turned an innocent
  conversation into filth. Seems quite a lot of
  you are incapable of doing otherwise:
http://b3ta.com/questions/innuendo/

  * FOXHUNTING? - "We'd met online, but our first
  face-to-face meeting was at the Ritzy bar in
  Brixton. I couldn't think of much to say, so I
  was thinking "topical, topical, what's
  topical?" - then I hit on what I naively
  thought was neutral territory - bloodsports!
  That same day outside my workplace the pro-
  bloodsports Countryside Alliance had been
  noisily demonstrating so I hit upon the idea of
  asking, "What do you think about foxhunting?"
  She looked a bit startled, looked at her shoes,
  paused then said "Erm. It's not my favourite
  thing or anything... um... but it has been
  known... yeah, I do it." I'm a bit shocked,
  there's previously been no mention of vulpine
  extermination in her social CV, no mention that
  at weekends she is one of the 'unspeakable in
  pursuit of the uneatable.' I paused, somewhat
  taken aback. She paused too. "Did you say
  foxhunting?" "Yes" "Oh, I thought you said
  cocksucking." (Wascally Weasel)
     
  * FRIEND TO THE GAYS - "A gay couple who are
  dear friends of ours were over for dinner when
  the conversation drifted round to 'opposites
  attract'. According to my wife, one
  illustration of this phenomenon is that in
  every happy couple there is always an organised
  and tidy one (her) and a more spontaneous, less
  organised one (me). It helps if one partner is
  more obsessed with tidiness than the other,
  right? Nods of recognition all round from me
  and the gay chaps. "So," she asks brightly,
  "which one of you two is the anal one?"
  (Thomas_The_Spankengine)
     
  * SORE BUM - "I was about 3, on the bus to
  Oxleas Wood. Apparently, in those days I didn't
  always wipe my arse properly and as such used
  to get bad nappy-rash. So there we are, sat on
  the top deck with a big rasta guy sat behind
  us, when I pipe up with, "Daddy, I don't want
  to go into the woods, my bottom hurts!"
  Everyone stared at him." (Half of Stephen Fry's
  right buttock)


  >> This Week's Question <<
  We'd like the useful advice old people have
  given you. Talk to us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/oldpeoplespeaktruths/


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

   >> Best jingle ever? <<
  It's Rainham Sheds! Hallelujah, it's Rainham
  Sheds! Need we say more?
http://www.rainhamsheds.co.uk/


  >> Read at work <<
  Initially confused us, but a clever idea. Read
  literary classics while the boss thinks you're
  hard at work - they're formatted to look like
  you're slogging through a spreadsheet or
  powerpoint presentation. If only someone would
  do something like this for porn we'd be made up.
http://www.readatwork.com/


  >> Sorry I missed your party <<
  Snarky comments abound on this blog culled from
  other people's party pics culled from Flickr.
  Other people really look like losers when
  they're having fun.
http://sorryimissedyourparty.com/


  >> Expensive cable reviews <<
  It just has to be some sort of computer error.
  Surely nobody buys $500 cables for their
  stereo. Anyway, tons and tons of reviews
  extolling the connector's many wondrous
  qualities. Interestingly, amazon's tag system
  rates it as considerably more immoral than The
  World of Dog Fighting. 
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B000I1X6PM/b3ta-20


  >> Startling tornado photo <<
  Supposedly, the photographer looked out of her
  window and caught sight of this bearing down on
  the house. She snapped this shot then ran for
  cover. It begs the question of whether there
  are better pics out their whose authors didn't
  start running in time...
http://snipurl.com/dropthecameraandrun  [gizmodo_com] 


  >> Scientists do the funniest research <<
  This scientist  simply stuck his cock into a
  foam cup a number of times, to see whether a
  foreskin has any effect on how hard he has to
  push. Sheesh.
http://www.cirp.org/library/anatomy/taves1/


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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
  Naked sea snails!

  No really, just look at this happy little
  highly-toxic fellow! Just don't eat him.
http://cache.io9.com/assets/resources/2008/05/sillysnail.jpg


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Printing out jpegs and flicking them really fast

  >> Dance the Yes <<
  An odyssey in camp, as two gentlemen on stage
  teach you how to dance the Yes. Our favourite
  bit? "Let's do the fork in the garbage
  disposal! Ding ding ding ding-ding ding ding!"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eyqUj3PGHv4


  >> Star Wars Strictly Come Dancing <<
  Good lord. Dance-off between major Star Wars
  characters. Not entirely sure why we like this
  so much. Maybe it's laughing at Star Wars
  nerds. More likely because it's just fucking
  great.
http://b3ta.com/links/Nerds_Star_Wars_Strictly_Come_Dancing_WTF


  >> Ants eat gecko <<
  Tiny ants rapidly gobble up a dead liizard,
  then scarper with the larger bits for parts
  unknown. The video-maker says this is filmed in
  his kitchen. Insects that voracious would
  probably save a ton of washing up - plates
  picked clean!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R3Mt2E1M6dU


  >> Fat cat does aerobics <<
  Hard to say what this peculiar Japanese ad is
  trying to sell with a ridiculously obese cat
  character attempting strenuous exercise. Very
  cute though.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qQXitF4lJto


  >> Polite driver <<
  Rally driver ploughs off the road on a corner,
  narrowly missing killing the spectators. Still,
  at least he pauses to make things right...
http://snipurl.com/brrrmbrrrm  [www_break_com] 


  >> Robot band <<
  We didn't stand up when they took all the
  factory jobs - now look what's happened. Band
  from New Zealand entirely comprised of
  non-humanoid robots. we suspect, however, that
  they don't write all their own material.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c2JChnwv2Ws


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: FUNNY NAME CORNER 
  Double entry, double the pun

  * COCKS - Lighthouse on the rocks? Or cock and
  balls? It's a sticky question.
http://snipurl.com/suck-it-and-see  [www_joeydevilla_com] 


  * PUNS - Not just 10, not just 20 but a full
  top 50 of the best so-clever shop titles. As
  you might expect, a fair number of hairdressers
  in there, although we liked the Lord of the
  Fries cafe.
http://www.bestweekever.tv/2008/06/06/the-50-best-pun-stores/


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Cooking with Beta Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to cook.

  Your favourites included:
 
  * CHICKEN CAKE - does exactly what it says on
  the tin (Paolo)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8457681

  * CRISPS - not really cooking, but old-skool
  gaming brought to life through the package of
  potato snackage (monkeon)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8467201

  * MEME CREME - classic b3ta meme re-enacted
  using marzipan, icing, and lots of food
  colouring (Bobby Bob Bob)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8465913

  All this food, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/cooking/


  >> New challenge: 2012 Olympic Mascot <<
  The BBC are asking people to design a 
  mascot for the London Olympics. We think 
  you can do better. Who or what would best 
  represent Britain to the world? Challenge
  suggested by The Coast of Yemen.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/olympicmascot/


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * WEIRD GOOGLE ADS - "Regarding the latest
  newsletter, this dodgy paedophile advert came
  up on one my websites recently" writes
  mrtinybrain. Um, we actually know what this is
  about, so sit down and get a dull science and
  marketing lesson kids. Ebay have an affiliate
  scheme that earns money for third parties, the
  trick is to get someone to click on an ebay
  link then a few pennies of any transaction made
  in the next few days goes to the site who
  created the link. Hence people use all sorts of
  odd bits of text - much of it computer
  generated to get your attention. This is why -
  for example - we sometimes see "Buy Buffy's
  Swearing Keyboard now!!!" on the B3ta google
  ads. Not our fault we promise you.
http://mrtinybrain.com/age14.PNG


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: FRIDAY GAME
  Puzzlefarter

  We've always theorised that Marry Poppins
  powered her upwards flight by guffing under her
  starchy skirts, but it never occurred to us that
  this would be a great idea for a game. Fools
  that we are. BTW: Press the up key twice,
  you'll get the hang of it.
http://puzzlefarter.com/


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * INTERNET VS GRANDMASTER CHESS - everyone in
  the world gets to click on the chess board and
  vote where the piece goes next. Would the
  internet beat Garry Kasparov? What about in a
  wanking competition? 

  * WHY REAL MEN SHOULDN'T WEAR LYCRA - we did 10
  mins research on this and it all got too gay
  porny for us.

  * AMAZON RANK WIDGET - when our lovely sick
  joke book was published we used to obsessively
  check the sales rank. What would be lovely -
  for booky types, would be a widget that peeps
  could embed into their blogs/facebooks that
  drew lovely graphs. Ooh - what is the sales rank
  then? An excuse to link to our book you say?
  Absolutely.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/1905548281/b3ta-21

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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  THANKS:

  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Kundalini, c_kick,
  satan's magic jumper, insert username here, jim
  herbert, Flamo, Cam, SockCooker, loogie, Ana,
  kitch, yank meoff. Additional linkage and image
  challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW
  bloke. Subjlols by Thor_sonofodin.
  
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  TOP TIP:
  "Window cleaners at traffic lights -  I've
  tried this in France and the UK and it works:
  if you oddly don't want your car windscreen
  'washed' by those twits that hang around at
  traffic lights, just say in a loud voice 'It's
  not my car'. Works every time." (le chat qui
  pue)
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/toptips/

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  SICKIPEDIA:
  One
  How many psychics does it take to change a
  lightbulb?
http://www.sickipedia.org/

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