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NEWSLETTER: "DID EVERYONE IN CHINA JUMP UP AND DOWN AT THE SAME TIME?"

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This Week:
* BOOKS - Did they change YOUR life?
* BANANAS - Apparently they laugh
* FORKLIFTS - Everyone loves them. Maybe.

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "Propaganda from a
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       shadowy web elite"

B3ta email 328 - 16 May 2008

Wipe with tissue before use:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue328/

       Tumblr:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
   Facebook:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
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: SPONSORED LINK
  Creme Egg Twisted

  Hot of the heels of Jonti's egg-based movie
  pastiches comes his latest - a take on the
  classic Frankenstein. Lovely chocolate. Mmm.
  Chocolate.
http://tinyurl.com/6c6npx


  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Forklift trucks, Pogo sticks and bananas

  >> Birthday sendables <<
  Your enterprising newsletter team continue
  their cut-and-paste antics with a bunch of
  virtual greetings card kind of things. Jibjab -
  the fools - have paid literally pennies for us
  to make this stuff. They are mind-blowingly
  good. Well, we would say that, obviously. Make
  your Ginger Fuhrer happy and check out the one
  where he pretends to be a forklift truck, like
  a Fingerbobs heavy plant hire.
http://www.robmanuel.com/2008/05/02/jibjab-sendables/


  >> Pogo stick mayhem <<
  One of Butters brief tableaux pointing out the
  fragility and preciousness of human life. This
  time out it's pogoing. How long before bones
  snap and blood splatters, eh?
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Pogo_Stick


  >> The laughing banana <<
  Not much to this, iceberg's debut vid, but it
  has a certain je ne sais quoi. Perhaps that
  would be the eponymous hysterical fruit.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/The_Laughing_Banana


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Treasured possessions

  Last week we asked what you owned that you'd
  rescue from a fire:
http://b3ta.com/questions/treasuredpossessions/

  Here's three that amused us, including what is
  possibly the first ever true story from
  frankspencer:

  * ROLEX - "I lived for years out of a single
  backpack and I believe there's nothing I could
  lose that would kill me. Losing journals and
  diaries would be a bit of a drag, but I'm a
  believer in stoicism and accepting that
  whatever gives you pleasure could be taken away
  at any time. Pleasure must be something inside.
  That said, who doesn't like shiny trinkets? Ten
  years ago I bought a Rolex. Now, everyone knows
  that this - along with a Porsche - is a prime
  symbol of the tosser. But wait a minute. It
  cost me around £2000, which was exactly the
  amount in my bank account. I emptied the
  account on a whim, and at the time I didn't own
  a house or a car or anything more than I could
  fit in a 75 litre backpack. I did it because
  James Bond wore one in the early films. Still
  got it, though none of my colleagues knows and
  I don't advertise the fact. I'm pretty much a
  failure in life - I'm 36 and have never earned
  more than 20 grand. I still owe my entire
  student loan from 13 years ago. But I wear a
  Rolex. The contradiction amuses me greatly. One
  day it'll be stolen and I won't be able to
  afford a new one. C'est la vie." (frankspencer)
     
     
  * THE DRINKING JACKET - "1 M&S suit jacket,
  second-hand from charity shop, 20 second-hand
  beer towels and 1 very patient Mrs Ousgg,
  resulted in by far the only 'cool' item of
  clothing I own. This modern-day harlequin's
  coat is warm in winter and features a range of
  beer-towels: there is no visible black jacket
  left - the only uncovered area is underneath my
  armpits, for reasons that involve me not having
  to walk around like a Cyberman. The reason it
  is my most treasured possession is the instant
  credibility it seems to bring me in any sort of
  drinking establishment. On the strength of one
  23 quid home-made bit of kit, I have achieved
  the following: At least twenty pints bought for
  me by complete strangers. Instant (and often
  free when applicable) access to any pub or club
  in my home town. Preferential service at bars
  packed three-deep (It's also quite handy for
  order ales over deafening metal music, by
  pointing to the relevant part of my jacket).
  Impromptu invitations to join three different
  stag nights. And three genuine offers of a
  blow-job, which I felt sadly obligated to turn
  down due to being engaged. Although, having
  been married for a few months, I'm now more
  open to persuasion..." (ousgg)


  * BIT OF A DILEMMA - "The other half's cooking:
  I don't treasure it, but I do regularly rescue
  it from a fire." (Mime)


  >> This Week's Question <<
  Books that have changed your life. Talk to us
  here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/books/


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates


  >> Ugly Dogs 2008 <<
  Daytime TV producers! Magazine photographers!
  Get your ass to California for this year's
  World's Ugliest Dog competition. There's gold
  in them thar dogs.
http://www.sonoma-marinfair.org/uglydogvote08.shtml


  >> Jaffa cakes helpline query <<
  Our non-UK readers might need an introduction
  to Jaffa cakes - they are sponge-based,
  chocolate-topped snacks filled with (if Viz is
  to believed) 'the collected earwax of the
  McVities family.' And like almost all products
  in the UK, there's a number printed on the side
  of the box for cranks to call. This week the
  mentals are Adam and Joe on some radio show of
  uncertain vintage.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/More_helpline_prank_call_comedy


  >> Spongebob rectal thermometer <<
  Speaking as parents, we understand the
  difficulty in making kids do things that are
  unpleasant but necessary. However, we probably
  wouldn't have designed a Spongebob thermometer
  that you stick up the kid's bum. To associate
  these two things is just weird, and surely
  could lead to kids sticking other toys up their
  arse? BAN THIS DANGEROUS FILTH NOW. Or just
  giggle at it.
http://snipurl.com/really-bad-idea 

  >> Boomtish web meme <<
  Couple of sites doing the rounds this week from
  the 'ronseal does what it says on the tin'
  school. Classic comedy sound effect plus
  descriptive URL. We considered adding a third
  to this collection with 'a shave and a hair
  cut, two bit' but got bored looking for a
  suitable URL.
http://www.sadtrombone.com/
http://www.instantrimshot.com/


  >> Test your wife! <<
  In the good old days, wives were rated on their
  domesticity. See how you, or your wife, would
  score. And if she scores badly then sack her!
  Now, WHERE'S OUR FUCKING DINNER?
http://flickr.com/photos/tiabla/sets/72157605047200616/show/


  >> George W Bush in advertising <<
  Interesting examination of the way in which
  Dubya gets portrayed by the advertisers of
  different nations - totally a reflection of the
  way he's perceived.
http://snipurl.com/cunty-face 


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: BONUS SPONSORED LINKY
  Stuffing envelopes - world record attempt

  "Licked, stuffed and stamped  no, we're not
  talking about Gordon Brown. Get your probing
  fingers on our sticky flaps and you could win a
  trip to Washington!"
http://riamex.notlong.com


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Why are web videos like Graham Coxon?
  They're both short and blurry.* 
  
  >> Everyday Transformers <<
  If Transformers had really wanted to blend in,
  this is what they'd have chosen. Fag packets
  and johnnies turn into evil robots and fight it
  out!
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Transformers:3


  >> Warm ice <<
  Some sort of freaky science turns water into
  ice at room temperature. Extraordinary,
  although somewhat alarming to readers of Kurt
  Vonnegut.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/187082


  >> Shampoo ads for men <<
  Those incredibly annoying commercials equating
  hair washing with sex - remade with a man. The
  performance really lifts an idea that, on
  paper, seems a little meh.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Herbal_Elements


  >> Newsreader flipout dance <<
  Hard-hitting remix of news anchor Bill O'Reilly
  going mental on Inside Edition. "Fucking thing
  sucks!" BTW: We had no idea who he was before
  this old footage came up. But he's an angry man.
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=5j2YDq6FkVE


  >> Greedy hamster <<
  How much food can a hamster fit into its
  cheeks? You'd be surprised, as this vid
  demonstrates. Worth sticking around to the end
  for the whole thing reversed very quickly.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Greedy_Hamster


  >> Powder farts <<
  B3ta's continual research in the area of toilet
  humour has unearthed a massive cult on youtube
  of people videoing their own spectacular
  farting. This one is pretty good, we also
  enjoyed the banter as the pressure mounts.
http://youtube.com/results?search_query=powder+fart&search_type=


  >> Focus groups suck <<
  Clever, funny advertising from Shreddies in (we
  think) Canada. A spoof campaign for a 'new'
  shape of the cereal meets a bemused focus group.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BOuC5jjTZOI


  ** Graham Coxon is 5'11", but fuck it, we made
  a joke and we're not letting facts get in the
  way.


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: FUNNY NAME CORNER 
  Three-way photo fun

  * SPUNKY BAKER - "Saw this bakery in Seven
  Kings, Ilford, Essex. Somehow I wasn't really
  encouraged to go in and buy something." (carolt)
http://www.b3tards.com/u/a91410477068c22474f3/image019.jpg

  * COCK SEX SCIENCE - "Wonderful scientific
  paper - who'd ever have imagined
  {trans-1,4-Bis[(4-pyridyl)ethenyl]benzene}(2,2'
  -bipyridine)ruthenium(II) Complexes and Their
  Supramolecular Assemblies with -Cyclodextrin
  would look so amusing?" (concurrency.co.uk)
http://dx.doi.org/10.1021/ic0352250

  * MORE SEMENY LOLS - "I was buying some bits
  for my bike the other day when I spotted this
  finely named product on the shelf." (evilmango)
http://www.deb.co.uk/ukswarfega/product.aspx?id=173


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Supergroups Challenge

  Last week we wanted to you to create
  supergroups. Partly because we remembered an
  old Hale & Pace gag with the punchline, "Chris
  Straits"

  Your favourites included:
 
  * MUGABABES - sultry pop songbirds duet with
  African despot (The Hedgehog From Hell)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8352212  

  * GUNS 'N QUOSES - rock's dream team: Slash
  Parfitt and Axel Rossi (Barbarossa)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8353201

  * NIRVANA SPLITS - in other news: Kurt Cobain
  still dead (dbroon)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8354212    

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/supergroups/


  >> New challenge: Celebrity Mutants <<
  We love celebrities. And we love mutants. So
  make some celebrity mutants. Or some mutant
  celebrities. Simple. Challenge suggested by The
  Neville.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/celebrity_mutants//


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * B3TARD WINS BIG PRIZE - board regular
  sundae_girl came first in a compo by Clipstar
  and won $10,000. Blimey. Well done to her!
  Shows what we know, eh? 
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Thanks_folks

  * "THE WORST THING that has happened to me EVER
  is listening to Jonathan King's song about
  bummy sex from last week's newsletter, and
  finding myself bumping into work colleagues
  whilst singing 'There's nothing wrong with
  buggering boys' to myself," confesses Freddy
  Woo. "I am now undertaking an extensive course
  to Toni Basil's 'Mickey' to reset my internal
  jukebox."


  * AIR PUMP ARSE - "With regard to the video of
  the guy pumping air up his arse with the
  intention of some major fartacious action,"
  puffs Davideo. "I used to work at a horrible
  mill in Horwich, and in there was an air line
  to blow all the airborne fibre and fluff of
  stuff if required, but not people.

  "I couldn't understand the danger and would
  blast the odd passing co-worker, until finally
  warned that I would be out the door if I
  persisted with this reckless and dangerous
  activity.

  "Why? I demanded. Apparently some guys had
  grabbed a husband-to-be on his last 'unwed'
  Friday and shoved the airline up his arse and
  gave him a quick 'surge'. He later died of the
  bends.
  
  "Ace or what? But not ace!"
  
  "An air embolism is more likely to be a problem
  if he has piles or has cut himself shoving
  things up there," snorts Mrs Trellis,
  informatively.

  * FROZEN SPUNK - "To answer Agent Muu's
  question in the last newsletter," chatters Peb,
  "spunk freezes at -0.609 deg C." He refuses to
  elaborate.


  * 230 MILES OF LOVE - "Your legendary media
  sway has been proved once again," beams
  'sat-com' inventor Ajshanahan, "ITV Cumbria
  have been in touch about filming a short piece
  on it. I've said yes but asked for a rider and
  they're considering it." Yay! Wait, he wants
  what?

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: FRIDAY GAME
  Human brain cloud
  
  Type the first word or phrase that comes to
  mind to contribute to huge word association
  clouds. Score points by guessing the same as
  many people have before. Or simply sit, typing
  random words for hours with no clear idea why,
  as the effect is kind of hypnotic.
http://humanbraincloud.com/


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * SNAIL LIGHTS - Ghoti Fingers requests, "How
  about putting small candles (tealights) on the
  back of snails as interestingly mobile lights
  at dinner parties. Or film them using
  long-exposure photography like those crappy
  car-light photos you don't see any more.  You
  can track where they go in your garden."

  * FINGER OF FUDGE TOASTED SANDWICH - laughing
  about what a friend of B3ta might eat when no
  one is looking, we reckon it might be white
  bread, 4 fudge chocolate bars, covered in
  butter and stuffed into a Breville. Served with
  ice-cream. Can someone cook this for us, we
  reckon it could be kind of awesome.

  * GRUDGEBOOK - "didn't do washing up after
  dinner", "cancelled plans to go out at the last
  minute" or even the dullest, "said they'd phone
  and they didn't". Web 2.0 stylee, so that
  everyone can read everyone's grudges about
  everyone. Should cause a few passive aggressive
  lols.

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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  THANKS:
  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by jesus.christ,
  Spundlemoon, Jd. Additional linkage and image
  challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW
  bloke. You DO NOT WANT TO CLICK THIS LINK:
  http://tinyurl.com/2muzzq YEAH to b4ta.
  Subjlols via SkUG.co.uk

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  TOP TIP:
  Junk mail - "I fitted the business-end of an
  office shredder to my letterbox and I've not
  had to pay a single utility or credit card bill
  since." (Maudlin McCann)

  Stick your tips here, bollocks or otherwise:
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/toptips/


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  SICKIPEDIA:
  I feel that I was unjustly sacked from my job
  yesterday. My boss felt that having sex with
  the clients wasn't "appropriate" so he fired
  me. That's the last time I work for an
  undertaker.
http://www.sickipedia.org/

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