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NEWSLETTER: "HOW TO MAKE MONEY FROM CHILD ABDUCTION. YOUR STEP BY STEP GUIDE"

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* VIDEO - I think I fancy Boris
* QUIZ - Youtube's shitty comments 
* QUESTION - Share your phobias

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ | "But we did come when     
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |  you were crying 
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|  last night..."

B3ta email 323 - 11 Apr 2008

Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue323/

  Karen Matthews:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
   Kate McCann:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
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: SPONSORED LINK
  Guitar Hero video compo - last chance

  We already pimped this compo a couple of weeks
  ago, but today is closing day for the first
  round where the prize is you get flown out to
  Los Angeles, and a digitised likeness of you
  gets put into the next Guitar Hero release.
  So get something in quick for everlasting fame
  and possibly fortune.
http://www.releaseyourrockstar.com/

  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Other than pick fluff from their bellybuttons

  >> YouTube troll quiz <<
  Great to see Monkeon busting out his
  quiz-making mojo with this peculiar game. Can
  you identify famous video clips solely from
  comments left by YouTube troglodytes?
http://www.monkeon.co.uk/youwhat/


  >> Lost title music <<
  "Lost needs a theme tune," booms Jonti Picking.
  "So we've made one." It's great, Jonti - now do
  one for The News At Ten.
http://www.weebls-stuff.com/toons/Lost+Titles/


  >> "I Think I Fancy Boris" <<
  "Mayoral elections are coming up in London,"
  reminds ryandeean. "We all know they are a
  bit of a farce. This is a video I made for
  Boris called: 'I think I fancy Boris'" We were
  initially suspicious this was some sort of
  political PR stunt but, if so, it's the kind we
  could happily live with.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IJJM2_Z7uss


  >> Do the indie kid <<
  MJ Hibbett and friends sing the praises of the
  trendy dance of their misspent youth. Catchy
  stuff, endearingly home-made video. "We're
  really chuffed with it!" he justifiably beams.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Do_The_Indie_Kid


  >> Bewildering teddy bear vid <<
  "I sent a teddy bear hitch-hiking for charity
  around some of the more troubled areas of the
  world," claims VicJameson, rather
  unconvincingly. "This film has recently been
  emailed to me anonymously." The ending is wrong
  on any number of levels but, frankly, we're too
  scared not to include it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_BInorf2nZU


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  DIY Disasters

  Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes
  and lies into one handy place on the interweb.
  
  Last week we asked about your DIY disasters:
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/diy/

  * CHANDELIER - "We'd moved into our first flat
  together and done what all sickly, loved-up
  first flat couples do - decided to 'make it our
  own.' This involves painting the 'Apple White'
  to 'Apricot White' and going to Ikea. In the
  lighting section my girlfriend stopped dead in
  the aisle making a strange cooing sound, 'It's
  soooo pretty.' It was a mock bronze chandelier.
  It was a pig ugly piece of junk. 'It looks like
  something Del Boy would try and flog for a
  fiver, anyway I know how to put it up and you
  don’t.' 'Yes I do.' 'What? Okay, you can buy it
  if you put it up.' To my complete shock Mrs
  KMWIP managed to put the chandelier up. To my
  greater shock, up it stayed. That night, after
  sharing a warm bath, we walked into the front
  room to try our new sofas. A bottle of
  champagne was opened and we kissed in that
  sickly, doughy way that you do when you first
  live together. Within a few minutes I was
  removing her dressing gown and caressing her
  body. After at least an hour of award-winning
  foreplay (what? it's my story) we were gently
  making love on the sofa. I remember looking
  deeply in her eyes and thinking how lucky I am.
  I required 5 stitches when the chandelier fell
  on my back. My spine was so bruised that I was
  unable to walk for a week. She'd thought that
  the Rawl plugs were little plastic sleeping
  bags for the screws so they wouldn’t bang about
  in the bag. She had carefully removed each one
  before screwing the screws into the half inch
  plaster ceiling." (kiss.me.where.i.poo)
     
  * PAINT - "You know that old story where some
  dickhead starts paint a floor and ends up in
  the far corner of the room with the whole floor
  painted and he's unable to get out? I was that
  dickhead. But, being me, I had to make it
  worse. So I took my shoes and socks off and
  made a dash for the door reasoning that I could
  paint over my foot marks when the floor had
  dried. I also decided to run on the tips of my
  toes and use big strides to minimise the
  damage. First stride lands OK, but the momentum
  swung me into my second stride which touched
  the floor and went into an immediate skid
  ending up with me crashing into a wall,
  bouncing off, and rolling all over my freshly
  painted floor. I'm a great ideas man but my
  implementation lets me down." (Legless)
     
  * BEER+SHED = PISSED SHED - "In my defence, I
  was very drunk and it was raining. Work was
  generally interrupted by sniggering about the
  word 'erections'. When all is said and done
  though, if it's raining, it's too wet to fix
  and when it's dry, it's as good as anyone
  else's shed..." (Linbox)
http://www.fivelaws.demon.co.uk/pissed_shed.jpg


  >> This Week's Question <<
  What gives you the heebie-jeebies? Tell us of
  your phobias here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/phobias/


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Emails from mum <<
  This site has rather brilliantly hit on the
  slightly odd way in which mums communicate with
  their offspring via the internet. It's an
  interesting collection of messages with a high
  proportion of "why don't you call more often?"
  Guilt.
http://postcardsfromyomomma.com/


  >> Over-priced TV comments <<
  B3tard Thundercat informs us that he and
  various internet randoms have been amusing
  themselves with reviewing this £21,000
  television set. We particularly liked the guy
  who was disappointed that 'the 70" size
  referred to is the screen size not thickness
  (which is only a puny 3-4").'
http://www.ebuyer.com/product/134563/show_product_reviews


  >> "My sister is a porn star" <<
  First-hand account of a bloke who bought a porn
  magazine, only to find his estranged sister
  pictured inside. Thought-provoking stuff, as he
  recounts the family history that led her down
  the path of porno.
http://snipurl.com/sisterfister  


  >> My Nazi dolls <<
  In what may be the best personal ad ever, this
  collector explains his unfortunate predicament.
  The 'action figure community' are mean to him
  because he is gay; other gay men are appalled
  by his extensive collection of nattily-dressed
  nazi action men. Still, at least he has his
  little guys. "I like to keep them looking
  fancy," he explains.
http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/51526837.html


  >> Hidden images in audio tracks <<
  It's reasonably well-known that Aphex Twin
  concealed images in his music, viewable with a
  spectrograph. Inspired, this bloke grabs his
  spectrograph and investigates, uncovering some
  more hidden pictures, including an endearing
  cat.
http://www.bastwood.com/aphex.php


  >> Better coin designs <<
  Amusing commentary on the Royal Mint's recent
  call for ideas from the public for new UK
  coinage. We particularly liked the suggestion
  of selling advertising on the back of the 50p
  piece, which we figure is actually sort of
  workable.
http://www.apathysketchpad.com/blog/2005/08/19/pic-coins


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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
  Startled moonlight rabbit
  
  A beautiful baby bunny caught, poised in the
  camera flash as she raids the lettuce patch.
  She would probably be delightful in a casserole.
http://i26.tinypic.com/10mpw2e.jpg


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Your pathetic cameraphone lols

  >> Painting on toast <<
  Enjoyable sped-up footage of someone creating a
  portrait out of toast and the Australian wonder
  food vegemite. Gets the idea across pretty
  quickly, but we liked the long period of slight
  alterations and revisions as it showed a rare
  attention to detail for an internet vid. 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v_HPvAhnG_w&feature=user


  >> Sex crime fashion <<
  Comedian Jon Lajoie on his extensive range of
  alluring paedo/rapist/killer clothing
  accessories - guaranteed to win the ladies over.
http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/0b502feff0


  >> Toilet graffiti <<
  Arty contrast between the polite, charming face
  men present to women and the things they scrawl
  on the walls of the toilet. We suspect that the
  gents toilet is the best glimpse you can get of
  what a world without women would be like.
http://www.icewhole.com/site/films/film.cfm?filid=665&x=46&y=36


  >> Home-made DS <<
  Nicely-rendered all-paper Nintendo DS, complete
  with hand-drawn Super Mario.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Home_Made_DS


  >> Headcases "ok" <<
  Slacking on YouTube, we happened across the
  recent satirical successor to Spitting Image.
  Surprisingly, it wasn't shit. In fact, we sort
  of kind of enjoyed watching it. So if you missed
  it while it was on telly and you have some time
  to spare you could do worse. Let this ringing
  endorsement be your guide!
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=h4GSdSrthj4


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: FUNNY NAME CORNER 
  Will they never learn?

  * INADVERTENT SEX LINE - Horrific
  mispronunciation on the Computer Exchange
  automated phone system. "Welcome to Cex." Your
  fearless b3ta team investigates.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=38gA-V84FaM

  * BONE SUCKING SAUCE - ill-advised attempt at
  southern slang from a Lakeland catalogue.
http://img398.imageshack.us/my.php?image=bonesuckingwp9.jpg

  * ASK FOR COCK - Astonishingly direct vintage
  advertising.
http://snipurl.com/andgodsavethequeen  

  * DOCTOR FUCK - The pubmed archive throws up
  yet another amusingly-named medic. Is there any
  limit to its wonders?
http://snipurl.com/doctor-fuck

  * DAILY STAR SNATCH AGONY - UK tabloid words
  front page headline really, really badly. Or,
  considering their deputy editor used to edit
  Zoo, maybe it's all on purpose? 
http://shrunk.net/45c7ea60

  * NIPSUK - alas, no erotic topless pictures on
  this website for Northern Insulation and
  Pipeline Stockists Ltd
http://www.nipsuk.com


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Third World USA Challenge

  Last week we wanted to see how the USA
  would suffer in a global depression.

  Your favourites included:
 
  * PARIS - celebrity goes to the dogs (Tribs)
  http://www.b3ta.com/board/8246267

  * MEARS - survival, southern style
  (Smallbrainfield)       
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8252046

  * HAPPY - the world's reaction to the USA's
  demise (Alpaca)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8254048

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/thirdworldamerica/


  >> New challenge: The Future of Ads <<
  What will ads look like the future? What new
  products will there be, and how will they be
  advertised? What current products will still be
  around, and how will they be sold?
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/advertising_future/


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * OVER-EGGING THE PUDDING - "One of my student
  mates was a bit of a space cadet," explains
  Sarah. "When he made a birthday cake for
  another friend, it was his first ever baking
  adventure and enjoyed cracking the eggs open so
  much he got a little carried away and ended up
  using 18 eggs (the recipe called for two)." The
  result was cake-shaped scrambled eggs.

  * ALEISTER CROWLEY - "The Great Beast was my
  great uncle," confesses Boxofrabbits. "It's no
  joke. My grandfather used to hate all mentions
  of him because the family was forced to sell
  their brewery to pay for the debts he racked
  up."

  * LIGHT GRAFFITI - "After seeing that link in
  the newsletter the other day, I remembered that
  there was a whole music video done with this by
  Kaki King," explains W3rthers. It works well.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pVYp2sgA9M0

  * VEXATIOUS LITIGANTS - "Regarding your
  American prisoner  who keeps suing people
  [Jonathan Lee Riches, last issue]," informs
  Christi. "That wouldn't actually be possible if
  he lived over here. There's a bunch of people
  who have basically been barred from bringing
  cases in the UK courts without the permission
  of a judge, as they were taking the piss."
  Interestingly, they are sort of named and
  shamed here:
http://snipurl.com/yourcardismarked  

  * FAMOUS YORKSHIREMEN - "A sarf African
  colleague was asking me 'who famous comes from
  Yorkshire'," explains John. "After a bit of
  thought I came up with Peter Sutcliffe but then
  decided on a bit of a google to find out more.
  Have a read down this list and see if you spot
  anyone familiar ." To save you the effort,
  Jonti is a famous Yorkshire man. And they're
  boasting about it, TO BOOST TOURISM! He should
  do them a little animation or something, like
  he did with Kenya.
http://www.yorkshiretouristguide.com/Articles/Article_29.asp


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * RANDOM PROVERB GENERATOR - write code to
  split up old phrases to make new ones, "Two
  heads are better than two in the bush", "Don't
  cut off your nose after the horse has bolted"
  or even, "when the cat's away, three's a
  crowd." Lovely list of proverbs here, that kept
  us amused for too long:
http://nostalgia.wikipedia.org/wiki/English_proverbs

  * TOASTER CIRCUIT BENDING - rig up your toaster
  with the biggest spring you can find, how high
  can you make your caramelised bread jump?

  * STARBUCKS IS THE NEW MCDONALDS - how many
  calories is it possible to consume in both for
  £5 and who wins? Our money is on Starbucks,
  the new home of the internet fatty.

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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  Love it :  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
  Hate it:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

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  THANKS:

  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by matthewmarter,
  Fishgoth, The magic of chutney, Monkey Tennis
  *naf, flame boy, P3te, Pixelpops, jon pitt,
  chequebookvandal, roystead, SickRik,
  vinnie.brien, BadBadman, Friz 3.0, gertrude
  went home,  jim keane and your mum. Top Tippery
  by monkeon. Not only a quiz, but a tip too!
  Additional linkage and image challenge by
  Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  Webbies to b4ta. Subjlol from The Great
  Architect, mastheadrofl via thiswasmyclone.

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  TOP TIP FOR VANDALS :
  Because The Kooks have printed their name in
  white on a black background for their latest
  poster campaign, all it takes is two strokes of
  a black marker to change their name to The
  <ocks. 

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  SICKIPEDIA:
  Thumbs up for leprosy! Oh, wait a sec...
http://www.sickipedia.org/

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