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NEWSLETTER: "WE SHAGGED PAUL MCCARTNEY AND ALL WE GOT WAS THIS LOUSY NEWSLETTER"

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This Week:
* ANIMATION - Tasty, tasty electricity
* SHATNER - 'shop trek for his birthday
* FAGS - lovely QOTW on smoking

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________  ____ __  ___
 ___/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |       "Lady Madonna, 
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |       children at 
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       her foot..."

B3ta email 320 - 20 Mar 2008
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue320/

       Subscribe:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
         Unsub:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
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: SPONSORED LINK
  Big Money Compo

  Design the new Emporio Armani ad & win 10,000
  euros. What, you were going to spend Easter in
  church?
http://tinyurl.com/25mzr5

  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Stop motion bollocks and whale vote rigging

  >> Electricitasty <<
  Rob and newsletter Dave have extended their
  stop-motion skills from cutting up bits of
  paper ("like an old episode of Why Don't You",
  according to one J Veitch) and discovered how
  to bring inanimate objects to life using the
  power of black magic and "er, a plug, pipe
  cleaners, bits of wire, a torch, washers,
  some old buttons, and a few bits of card and
  printouts when we didn't have the right props."
  It's a safety information film. Sort of.
http://www.comedybox.tv/comic-video-mr+pitchy-11255


  >> Sorry son, you're booked <<
  New member Matt42 (so new he's still got his L
  plates) has also been exploring the dark arts
  of stop motion. "I hand-drew each frame", he
  boasts, "There's just over 1000 drawings, Then
  with spray mount stuck each page in the book,
  photographed it peeled it out and repeated.
  Photographing it took around 12 hours. Drawing
  over 20 hours." Blimey, well it's a great style
  and amusing pay off. 
http://www.b3ta.com/links/stop_start_animation


  >> Mr Splashy Pants confession <<
  A few months back Greenpeace created a big stir
  by holding a poll to name a whale and the
  internet choosing Mr Splashy Pants. Everyone
  and their dog has claimed credit, including
  this b3ta member. The plot thickens, thins, or
  something like that. Enjoyed the blog anyway.
http://snipurl.com/mrsplashycunts


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Guilty Pleasures - part 2

  Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes
  and lies into one handy place on the interweb.
  
  Last week we re-opened the fantastic Guilty
  Pleasures question. Go read a whole new collection
  of the embarrassing things people like to do:
http://b3ta.com/questions/guiltypleasures2/

  * CEREBRAL CROSSWIRING - "I'm a synaesthetic,
  which means the sensory receptors in my brain
  are cross-wired so that I feel sounds, smell
  tastes and hear sensations etc. Many people
  experience this to some minor degree (you feel
  that Wednesdays are purple, for example) but
  I'm a medically-certified sufferer. It was most
  extreme when I was a kid, and it allowed me
  more than a few secret pleasures. Listening to
  ABC's "The Look of Love" generated a powerful
  sensation of chocolate in my mouth, while
  eating actual chocolate altered my vision in
  much the same way as LSD. If I ran my hand over
  the cat, I'd hear birdsong. It was fun
  experimenting. The best experience of those
  times was my brief relationship with Deborah de
  Angelo. The phonetics of her name brought
  whisky to my tongue; her blonde hair made me
  hear cellos; her green cardigan caused a raging
  boner, and the sensation of her busy mouth upon
  my swollen helmet made me taste a full English
  breakfast. Those days are over. With
  medication, my only pleasure these days is
  retiring to bed with a cowbell, mint humbugs
  and Toni Braxton's "Unbreak My Heart" - all of
  which in combination, conspire to bring about
  the sensation of a hamster up my anus."
  (frankspencer)
     
  * SUPERMARKET TROLLEY GLIDING - "Everyone does
  this. But earlier today doing the big shop for
  the week, I launched into a trolley glide just
  as someone else who, like me, is old enough to
  know better, launched into a trolley glide
  coming towards me. We didn't say anything, just
  nodded in mutual recognition as we glided past
  each other. Brilliant." (gordonjcp)
     
  * HOT SEAT - "What do I do for fun? I turn on
  the heated passenger seat in the car and slowly
  up the control as the wife gets more and more
  uncomfortable. Keeps me happy for hours - she
  still hasn't sussed it. I don't know why she is
  still married to me to be honest." (conanow)


  >> This Week's Question <<
  Can you remember your first cigarette? Talk to
  us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/smoking/


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Science tattoos <<
  Tattoos are a bit so what, but these
  idiosyncratic examples might give you a few
  ideas. Personally we've got Sir Clive Sinclairs
  inked on our cocks. Not impressed? He's
  fucking life-sized.
http://carlzimmer.typepad.com/sciencetattoo/


  >> Cunt tree kitchenware <<
  Iridium witters, "I was looking at your Amazon
  link to the biro, and one of the 'Things Other
  Customers Bought' thumbnails caught my eye.
  Is it me or does this look sort of, erm,
  wrong?" We don't know, Iridium. Do you think
  the sweet, pure love between a man and a tree
  is wrong too?
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B000LPS6QE/b3ta-21


  >> Men's health forum hissing <<
  Meet Clive, a rather queer cove, who's obsessed
  with his own and other men's muscles. His hissy
  fit about the state of Daniel Craig's bulges
  beggars belief. From the look of the floral
  wallpaper in the piccy, we think Clive lives at
  home with his mummy.
http://www.menshealth.co.uk/chatroom/topic/314239?startnum=1


  >> Who lives in a house like this? <<
  A. Andrew Lloyd Webber
  B. Elton John
  C. Sting
http://snipurl.com/lloydgrossmanasks  


  >> I want to live like comic people <<
  Some people say the mark of a great song is
  whether it still works when played with just a
  voice and a guitar, we say pah! The true test
  of genius is when you can put the words in
  1950s archive comic strip and they still work a
  treat, Props to black-toothed Jarvis for a
  true classic.
http://www.the-isb.com/?p=308


  >> Return of Reflectoporn <<
  Horrid, horrid, horrid, but we still managed to
  crank one out.
http://snipurl.com/mum-is-that-you  


  >> Crap art <<
  "In response to your link to Mark Chaffer's
  brilliant web design last week", blurts
  rocket.potato, "I give you this. Big Craigie's
  Digitart. I especially like the picture of his
  dog in the Personal category and the picture of
  him with Louise Redknapp in the Fantasy
  category." ZOMG, bad arts r0x0rs.
http://www.digitart.freeserve.co.uk/

  
  >> Wax your beard <<
  There's nothing like a bit of hot wax to remove
  the pant moustache, but a man-beard is made a
  sterner stuff. The things people do in the name
  of web-lols, ouchy, ouchy ouch ouch. 
http://widelec.org/depilacja_brody,id,1792.html


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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
  Daily Coyote

  "This is pretty fucking cute," cusses The
  Spelling Police, "and I think you should put it
  in your newsletter." WIKIFACT: The E in Wile E
  Coyote was ret-conned in a 1975 comic to
  Ethelbert. The after-the-event shoe-horning
  twats! They ruined the lore!
http://dailycoyote.blogspot.com/


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Fodder for the next C4 internet lols show

  >> Muppets on meth <<
  Enjoying this guide to metal from a load of
  fluffy fucktards, and buried underneath all the
  swearing is a nice little joke: all metal
  sounds the bloody same. Looks like a clip for a
  new TV show.
http://snipurl.com/sockandroll  


  >> Wicker man Bungle <<
  Caught this extract from the untransmitted 1972
  pilot for kids' TV favourite, Rainbow. Bungle
  looks terrifying, like an extra from the Wicker
  man, the music is a progtastic madrigal and
  zippy has a harelip. Do not watch this under
  the influence of drugs. BTW: Look Around You
  fans might notice the singer's uncanny
  resemblance to that show's Robert Popper. 
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Mutant_Zippy_and_Bungle


  >> Hacking, 1980s style <<
  Before goatseing became a national sport,
  micro-pranksters got their kicks from winding
  up spoddish TV presenters on on the BBC. Big
  prizes to anyone who can Rickroll Terry Wogan
  on the next Children in Need.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/First_on_screen_hacking


  >> Wind powered cardboard Rhino <<
  Theo Jansen makes kinetic sculptures out of
  common everyday things. All his works can be
  powered by wind, here's a video of one of his
  neatest works called Animaris Rhinoceros. And
  to the webtards asking for Star Wars Imperial
  Walker we say FUCK YEAH.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y2KkGFuRLew&feature=related

  
  >> Minesweeper the Movie trailer <<
  "Surely a winner for the newsletter?", asks
  Count Mrakula, "It's genius!" Yep, it's not
  bad, and we also look forward to Tetris the
  opera.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LHY8NKj3RKs


  >> His master's robot arm <<
  There's something slightly depressing about
  this clip. Yes, the dog is cute and the
  contraption is clever. But where's the owner?
  Has he died? Will Mr Woofy be playing fetch
  until he too shuffles off this mortal coil?
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Jerry_needs_no_help_playing_ball


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: FUNNY NAME CORNER 
  Still incorporating shit logo weekly

  BEST LAWYER NAME EVAH!!!111 - we're planning to
  hire Sue Yoo at B3ta towers to deal with all
  our haters. *waves at Prince*
http://snipurl.com/wolfram-and-hart  

  MORE RUBBISH LOGOS - God_of_the_mind prattles,
  "Whilst perusing over your latest edition of
  your fine newsletter, your rubbish logo section
  reminded me to send you something I saw on the
  side of a bus whilst strolling through Rome.
  Tempting you on board with the promise of bum
  sex. Needless to say, I saw this and thought of
  you." We're not quite sure how to take that...
http://www.b3tards.com/u/fc90320bd1ad9d17f805/pict2491.jpg

  BONUS HEADLINE OF THE WEEK - "Woman Goes for
  Leg Operation, Gets New Anus Instead" - it
  doesn't get better than this.
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,339270,00.html


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: NEWSLETTER EXTRA 
  There's a hole in my cock that lets the tears out

  Your newsletter team's loving tribute to William
  Shatner AND wanking was meant to be bigged-up
  last week, but we had upload issues. But PLEASE
  CLICK IT, it took us fucking ages and we did it
  without Photoshop, only using inky print-outs.
  Anyway, it's a lovely, lovely song about how
  men deal with the loss of someone they care about.
http://www.comedybox.tv/comic-video-mr+pitchy-11237


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Graphs Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to tell us a truth
  using the magic of graphs.

  Your favourites included:
 
  * EQUALISER - the lights fantastic (biovalve)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8168537 
 
  * G'RAFF - literally quite good (Sir Sand
  Goblin)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8168146

  * ANIMALS - be sure to clicky for biggy
  (Afinkawan)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8180581    

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/graphs/


  >> New challenge: Star Trek <<
  It's big Bill Shatner's birthday - he'll be 77
  on 22 March - and, despite a brilliant career as
  actor and singer, he's never topped the series
  that made his name: Star Trek. So 'shop the
  Trek. For William.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/star_trek/


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * UNSINKABLE POO - Our inbox is thoroughly
  backed-up with suggestions on how to create a
  perpetually-floating stool. 

  "It may not make your wee fizzy, but drinking
  about 2 litres of carbonated water a day
  definitely makes your poo float. Try it!" urges
  Krang.

  However, the massed b3ta hordes believe that
  fat and cholesterol are the magic ingredients
  for floaty bobbins. However, "floating stools
  are also what we call 'offensive smelling' in
  the profession. Steatorrhoea is the technical
  term," informs witty_ditty. "You won't just be
  saying 'you'd better give it 10 minutes',
  you'll be leaving it for at least an hour..."

  "Now the clever bit," continues Jason, in much
  the same vein. "Enough cholesterol, you get
  gallstones, which can block your bile duct and
  prevent the bile salts getting into your bowel.
  Bile salts help you digest fat, so without it
  getting into your bowel, the fat stays in the
  stool, increasing its buoyancy hugely. Seems
  like a long way to go to get in the newsletter,
  but there's probably someone out there."

  "As a child I used to eat polystyrene,"
  confesses a forlorn RoarBerries "That did the
  trick, annoyed my mum something awful."


  * MORE HUMAN BLACK PUDDINGS - "Black pudding
  with your own blood?" sneers Typescape Tony.
  "These guys did it years ago. They got kicked
  out of New York's MOMA for frying it live,
  too..."  
http://www.beaglesramsay.co.uk/blackpudding.html


  * ORIGAMI CAT NOT ORIGAMI - A shocking error in
  last week's newsletter led to us labelling the
  DIY ceiling cat as origami. "If it involves
  cutting it's kirigami," snips randall bart.
  Never fear, the b3ta fact checker has been
  soundly whipped. Such errors will not be
  tolerated.
  
  
  * VAGINA SCULPTURE - A few months ago we
  featured a plaster cast of b3tard Emily
  Dubberley's lady minge. "Here's the follow-up,"
  she gleefully crows. Blimey. For this one she
  got the help of her boyfriend - a man who must
  have quite remarkable powers of concentration
  to stay like that while being slathered in
  layers of plaster. Hmm. Mind you, put like
  that, perhaps not.
http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?pid=722542&id=568577287


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: FRIDAY GAME
  Pattern matching 

  "Here's a painfully addictive game for you to
  subject your readers to," informs heilbush,
  "It's another Tetris clone, with a few
  interesting concepts thrown in." The Official
  B3ta Wife approves of this game and it sent her
  into an OCD spin of muttering numbers under her
  breath. It was like watching Rainman with
  tits.
http://www.chainfactor.com/


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * WHAT-TEAM-SHOULD-I-SUPPORT.COM - We know fuck
  all about football, and occasionally it would
  be handy to be able to type in a postcode and
  find out what team it would be appropriate to
  pledge some bullshit allegiance to. (A more
  jokey version would spit out Arsenal for London
  postcodes and Man U for everywhere else.)

  * SMALL CUTE MUSLIM PIG CALLED MU'HAM'ED -
  err, maybe not.

  * MADNESS VIDEO - we've just googled the B3ta
  HQ postcode to find a map, and found the great,
  great Madness have written a song based upon
  our postcode: NW5. Sadly it isn't filmed in the
  local area, and we really wish we had the time
  to make a suitably loving tribute to the
  streets of Kentish. Please can you help out?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V1J2-_u9DOM


  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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  Subscribe:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
  Unsubscribe:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

-------------------------------------------------

  THANKS:

  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by wimbledonwomble811,
  Zoe Bond, thiswasmyclone, Denny, iowaseven,
  smirt362, j-at-griffiths, Bearded Whumpus
  and Purple Martin. Additional linkage and image
  challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is
  QOTW bloke. Subjectline and mastheadlols from 
  MakingLoveFace and dbroon. 
  
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  TOP TIP:
  Going through a speed trap too fast? If
  possible, climb out through the sunroof and
  clap hollowed-out coconuts on the roof. This
  tricks the camera into thinking you're riding a
  horse, so you should get away without being
  flashed. (FizzyLogic)
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/toptips/


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  SICKIPEDIA:
  The Welsh mining industry looks set for a
  come-back... Apparently they've found some
  copper in Snowdonia.
http://www.sickipedia.org/

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