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NEWSLETTER: "WE TOLD YOU LAST WEEK ALREADY: IT'S POSITIVE!"

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This Week:
* COOKING - Curing meat in a CRT
* CHALLENGE - Make graphs tell YOUR truths
* VIDEO - Delia Smith cooks spam

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ | "B3ta: it's a 
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |   community of cunts 
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|     for cunts" 

B3ta email 319 - 14 Mar 2008

Working in the lol mine, getting lol dust on our
lungs, oops the lol canary has just karked it.
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue319/

     Easter eggs:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
      Dog eggs:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
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: SPONSORED LINK
  The World Is My Canvas

  Stavros likes being watched while he's doing
  it, do you want to watch?
http://tinyurl.com/25lad4

  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Woo, yay and all that stuff

  >> Safety campaigns <<
  You know Cyriak for his mentalist animations.
  We know him for posting on our board under the
  name Mutated Monty and causing us random
  complaints from people who doesn't realise they
  are the same person, "There's a guy on b3ta
  ripping off Cyriak's work" they say. Ho hum.
  Anyway, here he is editing a couple of very
  disturbing TV ads and making them even more
  frightening. It's video psychosis and we're
  genuinely glad not to live inside his head.
http://b3ta.com/links/when_road_saftey_campaigns_collide


  >> Curing meat in a CRT <<
  "I made biltong," boasts Redbull_(UK) "that's
  addictive, chewy, air-dried, South African
  beef. And I made it in a 15" crt monitor."
  Blimey, this caused great debate amongst the
  newsletter team, "But biltong is disgusting,"
  said newsletter Dave. "At least he's found an
  actual use for a 15" CRT monitor," pointed
  out your Ginger Fuhrer. And so it's in.
http://biltongbell.blogspot.com/


  >> Jonti poos himself <<
  Picking has been amusing himself with the
  quandary "do bears shit in the woods?" and to
  potentially give away the punchline the answer
  appears to be "Yes, they fucking shit
  themselves stupid." Nice animation though.
http://www.weebls-stuff.com/toons/A+Walk+In+The+Woods/


  >> Indie schmindie Facebook song <<
  Friz 3.0 has been on a song-writing mission
  recently. There's a mean one where he moans
  that the band Scouting For Girls use obvious
  chords in their songs, but we will get linky
  with this dissing of Facebook that many of our
  readers should be able to recognise.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Facebook:2


  >> Arty farty video <<
  C_kick, probably best-known for the headphone
  cats, has been going mental with typography,
  sequencing the lyrics of a Ben Folds song to a
  fuckload of typey stuff. Quite a change of
  direction, but enjoyable, if not kitteny. 
http://snipurl.com/songysong  


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Nerdery

  Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes
  and lies into one handy place on the interweb.
  
  Last week we asked just how nerdy are you? The
  answer it seems is "nerdier than you, dumbass":
http://b3ta.com/questions/nerds/

  Whilst we liked door frames's story of buying
  a Trek outfit in Ann Summers, there're no photos
  to prove it and we always enjoy when people
  put up pictures. Here's three who did prove
  their nerdiness, posing for the camera:
  
  * THE NERD WHO GOT MARRIED AS DARTH VADER
http://b3ta.com/questions/nerds/post127469
     
  * THE NERD WHO GARDENS AS A STORM TROOPER
http://b3ta.com/questions/nerds/post126905
     
  * THE NERD WHOSE HAIR DEFIES GRAVITY/FASHION
http://b3ta.com/questions/nerds/post127363


  >> This Week's Question <<
  We've re-opened an old question this week. What
  are your Guilty Pleasures? Talk to us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/guiltypleasures2/


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> God moral maze <<
  A "know yourself"-type quiz that attempts to
  catch you out in your views of God. Made by
  Christians, but fascinating nonetheless.
  Actually started a long philosophical
  discussion amongst the newsletter team with
  Dave's view of God being an all-knowing, all
  powerful being and Rob's strange refusal to
  entertain the idea of a being more powerful
  and intelligent than himself. Oh well,
  beats jacking off to squid porn anyway.
http://www.philosophyquotes.net/cgi-bin/god_game1.cgi


  >> Cool design site <<
  Need to pick up a few tips on web design? Help
  is at hand from Mark Chaffer, who's an expert
  in DTP, video, animation, web pages and
  photography. We particularly rate Mark's
  animation skills, and hope to learn a few
  tricks from the master.
http://www.chaffagraffix.co.uk/index.html


  >> Origami ceiling cat <<
  Possibly the best B3ta accessory, the
  cut-out-and-make Ceiling Cat. There's one on the
  B3ta ceiling now, well there would be if had a
  ceiling. But we've chosen a hobo life, beneath
  the stars.
http://snipurl.com/lolcats  


  >> Sperm for tickets <<
  Simple idea right - young men want to go to
  music gigs, and young men don't bother donating
  sperms, so swap swimmers for tickets and Bob's
  your uncle. Well exactly, and it's been so over
  subscribed that they've had to close it down.
  Surprising nobody.
http://www.spermfortickets.com


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Insert funny headline here please 

  >> Spam casserole <<
  UK TV fans have been watching Delia Smith cook
  for years, teaching us how to boil eggs, and
  more recently how to prepared tinned mince.
  We're loving this mocking clip from some BBC4
  thingamabob. Dreadful food is always one of our
  comedy triggers.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fY8BiJMNJyU


  >> Amy Shitehouse <<
  Kids - stay off the crack pipe, it stunts your
  growth - just look at Amy here.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qaW-uj0Ta14


  >> Walrus Jacko <<
  "Amazing bit of walrus choreography; this
  pinniped is nearly as slick as the paedophiliac
  Gloved One himself," writes luvtub amongst
  others, in the link we give the coveted title,
  'link that more people emailed us than anything
  else, other than the news that Sara Cox is
  naming her son Isaac.'
http://www.todaysbigthing.com/2008/03/12


  >> Pot noodles / not poodles <<
  It's a shame that Pot Noodles are shit and we
  wouldn't feed them to a dog because often their
  advertising is excellent. Why can't good stuff,
  like bananas and apples have such clever
  promotion?
http://b3ta.com/links/Pot_Noodle_Chav_Spoof_of_Guinness_Ad


  >> World's worst advert ever? <<
  You know when Steve Jobs does his expo thing
  and releases a new version of iMovie and then
  demonstrates how great it is with a touching
  video of some family holiday? We're kind of
  imagining this with Bill Gates demonstrating
  Windows Movie Maker...
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=AC0sR5_NTFo


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: FUNNY NAME CORNER 
  Now incorporating 'rubbish logo weekly'
  
  * WEIRD LOGO
    We're guessing it represents a hose for
    connecting your penis to a shower cap. "Look!
    We don't wash our hair in piss!" FYI, the
    company makes ticket machines.
http://www.incifra.it/

  * MAX WANK
    Oof, wank as a surname, been there, done
    that, but he's a German politician and seeing
    his grinning face over the name "Max Wank"
    makes it look like an advert for lube.
http://www.toytowngermany.com/forum/index.php?showtopic=89383


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: NEWS-STAND OF THE WEEK
  10,000 Child porn images!

  This local newspaper is seemingly including
  unusual freebies to boost sales. Our source,
  Alex reveals, "The same newspaper ran a cheesy
  baby photo comp at the end of last year, with
  promotional posters blaring 'Enter Baby Of The
  Year Here'... I think they have issues!"
http://snipurl.com/kiddypornyeah  


++ BONUS CLIPPING OF THE WEEK
http://www.b3ta.com/links/All_is_right_with_the_world


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Comics Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to make newspaper
  comics funny.

  Your favourites included:
 
  * SPY vs SPY - classic old-skool comic meets
  international incident intrigue (HappyToast)

  * GEORGE & LYNNE - previously unseen art
  featuring the nation's favourite couple on a
  rare Portuguese break (new_matt)

  * PEANUTS - just like the rest of us, sometimes
  Charles M. Shultz just got out of the wrong
  side of bed (StickFigureNinja)

    All these images, and the highest as
    voted by you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/newspapercomics/


  >> New challenge: Graphs <<
  We all know graphs can prove anything, so prove
  YOUR truth.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/graphs/


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * JOEL'S NEW AD - the Veitchmaster has been
  busy in the kitten gymnasium filming this
  Crusha ad. "I really like it," he adds.
  "Although I'm finding it a bit painful looking
  at it in low-res, as I did the whole thing at
  2k film spec (which is just slightly bigger
  than 1080p HD) and then they dropped that
  requirement for it to be that big. So, I'm used
  to it looking really cool and sharp and
  high-res, and of course it will never be seen
  like that by anyone else."
http://www.b3ta.com/links/I_did_an_ad_with_kittens_working_out


  * HUMAN BLACK PUDDING - We asked for it in a
  newsletter of yore. Now it seems some German
  army chappies have been tempted by the highly
  delicious concept of black puddings made with
  their own blood. But now face charges of
  cannibalism.
http://snipurl.com/nazicunts  


  * RAMPANT INFLATION - mrdirtylegs has responded
  to our call for stuff being inflated. "I
  consider myself something of an expert in the
  field of inflation with water," he explains.
  "Here is an aquaglove;"
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=5IfRhW0FlTY


  * LEATHERGIRL - we thought girls should be able
  to enjoy using utility knives too. Turns out
  there already is one - the Miss Army Knife:
http://snipurl.com/fireboxtwats  


  * MATAZONE - we were checking in on long-time
  b3tard Matazone. What really boggled our minds
  though was that he seems to have somehow
  crossed that fine line that divides making
  web-nerd animation and ladies' underwear. Check
  it out!
http://corsets.matazone.co.uk/index.php?cPath=23  

 
  * RAMPANT INFLATION II - "Pumping up a bike
  inner tube: Yes, you can burst it, especially
  with a big free-standing pump from Halfords
  that's probably actually a lot more powerful
  than you really needed." informs Andrew
  Stevens. "If you are going to try it, for fucks
  sake wear ear defenders. I thought I'd burst an
  ear drum when I blew up my girlfriends bike
  tyre by accident."


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * UNSINKABLE POO - Puromycin asks, "We've all
  experienced floaters which pop back up after
  flushing, so I'm asking B3tards to alter their
  diet to work out what is the ideal foods to
  consistently create buoyant stools."

  * SUPERSIZE CONSUMER TEST - we were looking at
  the sweet rack in Woolworths the other day and
  briefly wondered about the value for money on
  super-size Mars bars. Do you get more chocolate
  for your money? What about those jumbo Kitkats?
  C'mon fatties - do some science.

  * TIP-EX VS MARKER PENS - how high can you get
  using only the items found in your stationary
  cupboard?

  Send your linky missives via the internets.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: What's the difference between flowers and
  AIDS? We didn't give your mum flowers, so if
  you've sent something in that hasn't been
  featured then don't be put off - we laugh at
  everything you send us.

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    Post-op:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
    Co-op:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

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  THANKS:

  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by collapsibletank,
  chunderbunny, lesbilicious.co.uk, terryeden,
  gary_robinson, and Fat Tony. Additional linkage
  and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike
  Trinder is QOTW bloke. I bet no one reads this
  bit, but seeing as you've bothered, I'll tell
  you a secret: I'm not a rapist, I'm just a
  little deaf, you can't arrest me, that's
  discrimination. Subjectlinelols from the 
  impossibly-named "Your watch is still saving 
  for 5K but".

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  TOP TIP:
  Dissatisfied with your job/partner/life? Get
  used to it. It's like this until you get old.
  Then it gets worse. (frankspencer)
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/toptips/

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  SICKIPEDIA:

  I just lost at Hangman 
  Didn't know the place name.
  _____
  | |
  | O
  | /I\
  | / \
  |-----------

  B R _ D G _ _ D

http://www.sickipedia.org/

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