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This Week:
* FOOD - Eggnog pancakes 
* QUIZ - Guess my crime
* LOLS - Things white people like

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B3ta email 317 - 29 Feb 2008

Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue317/

          Harry:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
      William:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
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: SPONSORED LINK
  GPS ART

  Do you want to be an artist, but don't have the
  balls? Meet Stavros, he's got enough for both
  of you.
http://tinyurl.com/2n9olo


  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Eggnog, Cake, Shopping and Tea

  >> Eggnog pancakes <<
  "I wasted a recent Sunday afternoon making
  myself sick", proudly boasts Mr M, "I wondered
  if it's possible to fry eggnog, so I decided to
  put it to the test." And the result? "The
  eggnog pancakes were almost tasty, but a bit
  sickly." Points awarded for the comment "it
  tastes like burnt" and appetising photos that
  could grace the Observer Food Monthly - give
  this man his own cooking show.
http://snipurl.com/dont-egg-him-on


  >> Joel's internet fatty video <<
  Mr Veitch is serving a musical meal to B3tards,
  progressing from singing about Hover Bacon, to
  a lyrical dessert entitled "I like cake."
  Having actually dined with Joel on many
  occasions, we know this is a lie, as he usually
  chooses a meat dessert. Really. We've seen him
  eat a main course of ham followed by more ham
  for afters. And when people ask for coffee,
  Joel asks the waiter for extra ham.
http://icanhaz.com/cakey


  >> Jonti vs Mike Skinner <<
  For reasons best known to himself, Picking has
  morphed into a northern version of The Streets.
  If you enjoyed his first Late Night Shopping
  trip then give this a go.
http://www.weebls-stuff.com/toons/Late+Night+Shopping+2/


  >> 2 Boys 1 Cup <<
  A very British answer to that most famous of
  internet movies, 2 Girls 1 Cup. The overacting
  amuses us so props to RichJohnston for that.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/2_Boys_1_Cup_and_SFW


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Instant Karma

  Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes
  and complete horse shit into one handy place on
  the interweb.
  
  Last week we asked you you explain your
  thoughts about the Hindu concept of Karma. Next
  week we're doing The Mysterious Pastimes of
  Mohini-murti.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/karma/

  * COLD TURKEY - 'One Christmas I was
  investigating the fridge when I discovered a
  huge bowl of brandy butter. I was about to reap
  the rewards of my find, when my sister walked
  into the kitchen. "You shouldn't eat that", she
  said flatly. "Oh really!?" I asked, "and why
  not exactly, will you tell?" I then performed a
  dance around the kitchen table clutching the
  bowl, while I sang "will you tell, will you
  tell, WILL YOU TELL????" At the climax of this
  performance I scooped an enormous handful of
  the stuff into my mouth, which turned out to be
  translucent wobbly chicken fat.' (browser)

     
  * GIMME SOME TRUTH - "I work with a man who is
  utterly abhorrent. He's an arrogant American
  chap who, at Christmas, rammed his version of
  festivity down the entire office's neck. This
  included lots of tinsel, a singing nativity set
  and an advent calendar that he guarded WITH HIS
  LIFE. So, one of the guys ate the largest
  chocolate (designated for Christmas Eve) and
  left a note (link below) in its place. I'm not
  sure it's strictly karma, but it was fucking
  awesome." (Fictional Emma)
http://img89.imageshack.us/img89/5083/spa0148ys0.jpg


  * GIVE PEACE A CHANCE - "I'm a firm beliver in
  Karma. So much so that when bad or unfair
  things happen to me for no reason, I go out and
  kick a child in the face, just to balance
  things out." (FerretTrout)

  >> Have you ever seen a dead body?  <<
  This week we're asking about cadavers, corpses
  and stiffs, so it should be super-lols all
  round.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/deadbodies/


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Guess my crime <<
  Entertaining name-and-shame-based website. You
  get the mugshots - how good are you at judging
  people's inner criminal? The weird thing about
  this is how unrelentingly cheerful they all are.
http://guessmycrime.blogspot.com/


  >> Celebrity money <<
  Apparently this is a current craze in the UK -
  folding over banknotes and matching them up to
  people's pictures to create half-man,
  half-Queen monstrosities. Actually, some of
  these ones look quite convincing. Who would
  have thought the Mr Bean look was so popular in
  Indonesia?  
http://snipurl.com/notable-people


  >> Stuff White People Like <<
  Tongue-in-cheek outsider's guide to dealing
  with whites. We particularly like the bit about
  recycling. "The best advice is that if you plan
  to deal with white people on regular basis
  either start recycling or purchase a large blue
  bin so that they can believe they are
  recycling."
http://stuffwhitepeoplelike.wordpress.com/


  >> World's worst science fair projects <<
  It's like a Fat Chicks in Party Hats where the
  afflicted write their own mocking captions.
  Poor kids. But: "Crystal Meth. Friend or Foe?"
  Heh.
http://snipurl.com/sciencetwats


  >> The Man Who Thought He Was Bill Murray <<
  Peculiar, short, stick-figure animation about a
  clearly deluded man. It does that robot-voice
  thing that we hate so much. But just towards
  the end something rather odd happens and we had
  to watch it all over again.
http://whereisthemoon.com/words/15


  >> Hitlers earn decent money <<
  We were mildly tickled to see that this
  employment website is clearly doing a little
  recruitment work for a Fourth Reich. Hope the
  medical plan is good. 
http://www.indeed.com/salary?q1=hitler&l1=


  >> Bacon cups <<
  Not getting enough mileage out of your bacon?
  Looking for a special new way to drink
  champagne? Bacon cups are the answer and you'll
  find your instructions here:
http://www.notmartha.org/archives/2008/02/27/bacon-cups/


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  This week, lamenting the loss of Stage6

  >> Paper Animation <<
  Your newsletter team of Rob and Dave have spent
  the last month cutting up bits of paper for a
  new project called Mr Pitchy, we can't show you
  yet, but we're dreadfully excited by it. Hence,
  we're now mildly obsessed with paper-based
  animation, including this marvellous technique
  expressed here:
http://www.javanivey.com/my_paper_mind.html


  >> "Hello Sophie, would you like some air?" <<
  Bizarre film of someone pumping compressed air
  into a dog's face. Ms Doggie can feel the force
  but can't see a thing and literally attacks
  thin air. 10 lols out of 10.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/162708


  >> Argument to Beethoven's 5th <<
  Lovely bit of old B&W film showing a married
  couple arguing, every accusatory thrust of the
  finger timed to a jab of an orchestra. An idea
  so strong and well-executed it completely
  transcends the stiff hair and clothes of period
  detail.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Argument_to_Beethovens_5th


  >> Hai Karate <<
  It's all in the build up - our old English
  teacher would have called it bathos, but we
  call it OUCH!
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Best_Karate_punch_EVAR


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: FUNNY NAME CORNER 
  Nonce Paolini! FFS! Nonce!

  Cynthiakennedy writes, "I give you the top
  commercial broadcaster in France, TF1 CEO Nonce
  Paolini. Can you imagine what it must be like
  when he goes through passport control in the
  UK?"
http://www.bouygues.fr/us/fiches/cv_noncepaolini.html


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Moustache Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to celebrate the humble
  lip fringe.

  Your favourites included:
 
  * ISLAND - a worthy winner for its cunning use
  of landscape (mictoboy)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8080618

  * YMCA - Lord Kitchener, updated for the disco
  era (strontium190)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8081721

  * MONEY - striking fiscal development of the
  celebrated 'sleeveface' meme (Spunky McPunk)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8097541

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/moustache/


  >> New challenge: New Logos For Old <<
  These days when a company fucks up there's no
  need to apologise, just get in some graphic
  designers and re-brand. We at B3ta are generous
  to a fault, and rather than see these companies
  spend millions, we'd like you to come up with
  new, better logos that sum up the companies you
  love to hate.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/newlogos/


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * BEER-BARREL R2 D2 - b3tard Amoebaboy has been
  crafting a beautiful, antique-style droid. Now
  he's thinking about getting rid of it, with
  quite a few cash offers coming in. Or maybe a
  raffle. Anyway, check it out - it's lovely:
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8080326



  * STICKS AND BALLS - In our gleeful rush to
  write up the golfing double-entendre film last
  week we neglected to mention that it was an
  entry for the Straight8 competition. It's a
  method of making films without editing and the
  annual competition can be found at:
http://www.straight8.net


  * LOW-FI JURASSIC PARK - Another b3tard riffing
  off the Be Kind Rewind meme. Ornsack's
  'dinosaur' special effects are particularly
  amusing.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Jurassic_Park_Sweded


  * WANKOMETER - Last week we pondered the
  results of attaching a pedometer to your wrist
  when indulging in self-love. "My wrist
  apparently travelled 1.4km during one session,
  and I burnt a measly 56 calories," confesses
  Humpty Dumpty was Pushed. "I was about 15 at
  the time."


  * SLEEPING RABBIT IS DEAD! - Our cute section
  last week was subject to a cruel hoax, claims
  b3tard The Troubleshooter. It was actually
  footage of a rabbit having a heart attack,
  reversed to give the illusion that it had
  awoken from a deep sleep. He has take the
  trouble to re-reverse the tape by means of
  illustration. Hmm. Not sure which side of the
  fence we should come down on that one. It's a
  little disturbing, for sure.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O7I9nCx1iQk


  * MORE INTERESTING GUARDIAN BLOG - Rather than
  giving the blog to that gap year guy that
  everybody hated, "Why not try the bloke off the
  news a few weeks back who was walking to India
  with no money?" asks harry kumquat. True
  enough, especially as the scheme seems fraught
  with peril. No money? No money at all? Christ.
  BREAKING NEWS: he's given up because, not
  speaking a word of French, he was unable to
  convince them he wasn't a vagrant. Oh dear.
http://www.justfortheloveofit.org/pilgrim.php#52


  * MONEY TEA - "I really wouldn't recommend it.
  Ever," warns nowhere elysium. "There's an
  alarming tendency with old people to stuff
  money into their mattress, as opposed to
  putting it into a bank account.
  
  "Imagine the scene: Doris has been putting
  aside random tens and twenties for 'a rainy
  day'. Of course, these go into/under the
  mattress, because it's an incredibly safe
  place, apparently.

  "Now, Doris, being old, does the likely thing,
  and dies in her sleep. Poor Doris. Of course,
  being a bit of a shut-in, Doris isn't
  discovered for some time. So, her bed has not
  only become a death bed, it's had a dead person
  on it for a few days/weeks/whatever. What do
  dead people do when unsupervised (Mark
  Dixie-alikes aside)? They rot. And seep. And
  leak.

  "All manner of horrible dead person juices seep
  over the notes which they have cunningly
  secreted in their bed.

  "Note: I haven't made this up. I used to know
  someone who had worked for the Bank of England,
  and this is a depressingly common occurrence,
  I'm told. That, plus the huge amount of drugs
  that are snorted using notes, you can kind of
  imagine that they get a bit minging after, ooh,
  five seconds?"

  That's us told.


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: FRIDAY GAME
  Ball thingie

  In what is probably our favourite flash game
  since Kebabtris, comes 'Filler' which defies
  description but if it was available on our
  mobile phone we'd never get off the bus.
http://www.freegamesnews.com/en/games/2008/Filler.html


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something awesome and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * OUTOFBUSINESSCARDS.COM - an online art
  exhibition of the business cards failed web
  companies.

  * PHONE RING/VIBRATE BATTERY TEST - Agent Muu
  writes, "As I am drunk I wonder... what takes
  more energy for a cell phone; to vibrate or to
  ring?  Surely the energy needed to rotate the
  little thingy that makes it vibrate takes
  more... torque, or something.  I don't know. 
  Maybe someone does?"

  * A CAMPAIGN AGAINST SERVIETTES - forget all
  this stuff about too many plastic bags, why is
  it whenever we buy a sandwich, about six
  napkins are doled out with it? 

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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  THANKS:

  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by  
  thelivinggrahambond,  Dr-Mx, a username,
  collapsibletank, Veovis, We are the lemon and
  Don_Elliot. Geeky font facts from gaijintendo_.
  Additional linkage and image challenge by
  Fraser Lewry. Subjectlinelols via mutster101.
  Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  
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  TOP TIP:
  Athletes! Draw attention away from the fact
  that you've taken steroids by running really
  slowly.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/toptips/

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  SICKIPEDIA:
  What's long and hard and makes women groan? An
  ironing board.
http://www.sickipedia.org/

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