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NEWSLETTER: "WANTED: NEW PRESENTER FOR CHILDREN'S TV SERIES. MUST LIKE GETTING HANDS DIRTY"

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This Week:
* QUESTION - We *heart* pound shops
* VIDEO - Cat Vs Scalextric
* BLIMEY - Drunken dad dancing

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ | "We're spiking Britney's    
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |  drink and stealing her   
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|      kids... together"

B3ta email 309 - 04 Jan 2008 - Happy New Year!

Email passé? Ride the web-train to futurehampton
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue309/

          2008:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
        2007:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
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: LINKY OF THE SPONSORED KIND
  Want more money? Respect? Same/opposite sex
  adoration?

  Visit Chinwag Jobs* and get a new job.  After
  your behaviour at your Christmas party, you
  know it makes sense. *Chinwag Jobs, the only
  B3ta approved jobsboard IN THE WORLD. Probably.
http://snipr.com/chinwag0401


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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Dancing, dating and hoaxing

  >> Drunken dad dancing <<
  "My parents came home drunk," beams
  peakofphysicalfitness, "So I figured hey, I'll
  film them!" They're having a little boogie to
  some seventies tune and it made us smile.
  Apparently his dad is a subscriber so if he's
  watching - hellooo!
http://www.b3ta.com/links/146537


  >> Grey bloke on internet dating <<
  Madridiot's low-key hero gives his thoughts on
  romances with racists. Like the little KKK
  blokes holding hands - sweet!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cyr6MPn7OBo


  >> "I am Benazir Bhutto's son" <<
  A shocking confession via email from Tonay. "I
  made a facebook account pretending to be
  Benazir Bhutto's son, Bilawal. I filled my
  profile up with lots of quotes from Buffy and
  The West Wing, and wrote a statement answering
  'my' critics. The world's media swallowed it
  up!" We're genuinely appalled by this, what
  with the poor woman only just dead, but it is
  quite interesting. Peculiar that people would
  treat facebook as a credible source of
  information but hey. First link is a news
  story exposing him, while the second is his
  own account of events.
http://snipurl.com/timescunts
http://www.consolecity.com/forum/showthread.php?t=84298


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Dumb stuff you've done

  We held our question open for two weeks due to
  Christmas rubbish, but thankfully we set a
  good question. After a flurry of editorial mails
  we theorised that the best QOTW stuff is
  always about people confessing their own
  stupidity, so we thought we'd just ask this
  directly. Jobs a good 'un.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/dumbthings/


  * 'I LOST MY PHONE' MORON
  "One night I was being dropped off at home by
  a few mates after quite a heavy night
  drinking. After fumbling around for my keys, I
  realised that my phone wasn't in the pocket
  where I usually keep it. Hoping that I'd left
  it in the car, as opposed to losing it in the
  pub, I quickly rang my friends who were at
  that very minute speeding away. The
  conversation went something like:
  "Hi."
  "Hi, have I left my phone in the car, cos I
  don't have it?"
  "What are you speaking to me on?"
  "Shit," (Furness )

     
  * IDIOT SHOE TWAT
  "When I was 14 I had a pair of Doc Martin
  steel toe-capped boots. I didn't like the yellow
  thread on the bottom so spent ages cutting it
  off. It turns out that yellow thread isn't
  just there for decoration, it holds the sole
  on." (fatcock )

     
  * BUNGEE PILLOCK
  "As a nipper I saw a program on bungee jumping
  and decided that this was the thing for me.
  Sadly lacking in things of a bungee-like
  quality I got a rope, (old hemp-type, sod-all
  elasticity), tied it around one ankle, the
  other end to the top of the climbing frame and
  jumped off. I hit the ground very hard with
  one leg suspended about a foot above the dirt."


  >> New question: cheap tat <<
  Who doesn't love pound shops? Recently we
  bought a hammer for £1 and used it to open a
  coconut - so far the head hasn't fallen off but
  we know it's only a matter of time. Tell us
  your experiences so we for our voyeuristic
  giggles.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/cheaptat/


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Chris Morris on 9/11 <<
  Dull old comedy geeks like us are sad that
  Chris Morris doesn't produce the volume of
  work he once did, but this audio DVD extra
  from The Day Today hints at how good he could
  be if he could be arsed to comment on
  contemporary events. Here's looking forward to
  his rumoured (by a bloke we were chatting to
  in the pub) Paedophile Terrorists movie.
http://b3ta.com/links/The_Day_Today_September_11th


  >> Boy, this guy really hates horses! <<
  "Look, this is a website about horses and how
  much we hate them," writes meglos, "They are
  gross and stupid and disgusting and smell like
  shit. There are flies all over them and they
  make dumb noises. HORSES ARE TERRIBLE!!!"
http://horsehater.blogspot.com/


  >> Image Challenge with a difference <<
  The Soviets are so poor that they have to have
  photoshop competitions without Photoshop or
  computers. Brilliant - we really should steal
  this idea for B3ta.
http://englishrussia.com/?p=1691


  >> Navy viral bollocks <<
  "Just thought you might want to know that the
  send a message thing from the British Navy at
  doesn't filter rude words very well," informs
  Naich. "While you can't tell someone to fuck
  off, you can say (as an example), 'ram it up
  your arse fuckstick'. I now have several
  friends who are wondering why the Navy is
  insulting them."
http://www.getthemessage.net/ 


  >> Worst chav cars <<
  Popular on our links board this week is this
  list of "31 awful chavved-up cars." A truly
  awful vision of life in the provinces.
http://www.barryboys.co.uk/phpBB2/viewtopic.php?t=28029


  >> Tower pixel art <<
  This isn't the first or even the last pixel
  art tower community project, but the tip of
  the tower really works for us.
http://www.goontower.com/


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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
  Rescued kittens

  Fluffy cat babies saved from horror by
  professional photographer Kyle Cassidy. The
  shots are all very nice, but as seasoned
  connoisseurs of the cute, we feel he missed a
  trick by not making more of the cast on that
  poor wee mite's little leg. Nonetheless, this
  is probably the fluffiest thing you will see
  all day.
http://kylecassidy.livejournal.com/374977.html


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: BONUS SPONSORED LINKY
  Lady readers, don't click this

  Like shooting? Like girls? Play this wet t-shirt
  game and get them titties wet!
http://snipr.com/mobclub_wet_tshirt


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO

  >> Turkish Star Trek <<
  It's not entirely coherent, nor is it
  definitely genuine, but who can resist sci-fi
  made in the seventies for foreign-language TV
  and no special effects budget. The
  'transporter effect' is particularly fine.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/146235


  >> Using a Wii for Virtual Reality <<
  Very geeky, but also very cool. Personable
  nerd explains how to use the remote from a
  Nintendo Wii to track the position of your
  head and adjust monitor display accordingly.
  The 3D effect is extremely impressive.
  However, we're not sure how tongue-in-cheek
  the guy is when he rejects a baseball
  cap-mounted remote as 'goofy' and instead
  plumps for some modified safety goggles with
  beams at the sides.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jd3-eiid-Uw


  >> Scalextric v kitten <<
  The inevitable consequence of possessing both
  pets and small, fast-moving toys. Then it gets
  a little strange. This is so slick that we
  were half afraid it was some sort of viral
  marketing for either racing cars or
  interfering cats. Very much recommend you
  check out some of the same guy's other vids.
http://b3ta.com/links/Cat_Vs_Scalextric


  >> Modern-day Trojan Horse <<
  Just how stupid did the ancients have to be,
  to allow a wooden statue chock-full of Greeks
  to be parked in their city overnight. And yet...
  have we learned anything at all from history?
  An enterprising crew of blokes sets off with a
  horse of their own, to find out.
http://snipurl.com/trojancunts


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: GOATSE OF THE WEEK 
  Walking with goatse

  Extremely strange shock-site reference at
  Impossible Pictures, the people who made
  Walking With Dinosaurs. Look at the way the
  interface loads up. Oh do say you see it too.
  It's not just us, is it? Is it?
http://www.impossiblepictures.co.uk/


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Extending Album Art Challenge

  We recently enjoyed the sleeve face Facebook
  group where people stuck LP covers in front of
  their heads and took a photo. Thinking that
  many of our readers wouldn't own any vinyl, we
  modified the idea to 'photoshop what lies
  beyond the crop', and quite frankly really
  enjoyed your entries. 

  Our favourites included:
 
  * BEATLES DROP GERBIL - John Lennon once said,
  "the Beatles are the biggest bastards on
  earth", and look, he was right! (Zak McFlimby)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/7887244

  * WEEN/PICARD HEAD NORKS - who knew that the
  lovely boobage displayed upon Ween's Chocolate
  & Cheese album was actually the Patrick
  Stewart's baldy bonce, and his twin brother,
  who really should have a mirror universe evil
  Spock beard. Damn, and we didn't find any
  space for our "To baldly go where no man has
  gone before" punnage. (mictoboy)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/7901566

  * GLITTER / NIRVANA - Very funny, but our
  inner pedantophile points out that Gary liked
  girls rather than boys, and don't most child
  enthusiasts bait with puppies rather than
  money? But as Futurama co-creator David X
  Cohen says, "Reality should not stand in the
  way of comedy."
http://www.b3ta.com/board/7887079

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/album_art/


  >> New challenge: Movie letter switch <<
  Take a movie title and change one letter. Eg.
  The Codfather, The Lard of the Rings, or maybe
  It's a Wonderful Lime. Make the poster and
  show us your work. (Thanks to Aphex The Mink
  for the suggestion.)
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/movieletterswitch/


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: FRIDAY GAME
  Time-travelling cursors

  This game records your cursor movements as you
  run through a maze and you wind up
  collaborating with past versions of yourself
  in order to get past obstacles. A bit tricky
  at first but what a clever idea!
http://www.nekogames.jp/mt/2008/01/cursor10.html


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * DEGREES OF ROCK - Sverre writes, "I'd like
  to see a Bacon Oracle for music. George
  Harrison was in The Beatles with Lennon who
  shagged Yoko who inspired some shit band who
  warmed up for Arcade Fire."
http://oracleofbacon.org/

  * KEVIN GREENING SIMULATOR - a game where you
  neck loads of pills whilst indulging in gay
  S&M sex whilst attempting to avoid a heart
  attack. Not a game you can win we imagine.
  Poor Kevin.

  * KITTEN VS HELICOPTER - we got one of those
  £20 remote control helicopters for Christmas
  and if our cat wasn't so old and fat we're
  pretty sure we could make an amusing video.

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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  Unsubscribe:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

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  THANKS:
  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
  David Stevenson. Additional linkage and image
  challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is
  QOTW bloke. Subj line by The Great Architect.
  Other stuff from Veitch, Hairy Twatter,
  Fishgoth, Clan Soul, Captain Skippy, krang and
  art of work.

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  TOP TIP:
  Guinness drinkers! Does it hurt to shit? And
  is it messy? Wipe your arsehole with baby oil
  before taking a dump. It'll just slide out 
  and only needs a single wipe. (Mr. Squemish
  Beamish)

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  SICKIPEDIA:
  A Catholic priest and a rabbi are walking down
  the street one day when they see a pair of
  angelic-looking 12-year-old boys playing
  football in the park. The priest turns to the
  rabbi, nudges him in the ribs and says, "I
  tell you what, let's go and screw those boys."
  The rabbi looks at him curiously and
  answers, "Out of what?"
http://www.sickipedia.org/

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