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NEWSLETTER: "IT'S OFFICIALLY OK TO DO A POO IN THE BATH IF YOU MUSH IT DOWN THE PLUG-HOLE"

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This Week:
* TEETH - I see your Darkie and raise you Chinky
* VIDEO - Best misheard lyric ever?
* QUESTION - Why YOU should be fired

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're raping your
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|    bandwidth... together"

B3ta email 290 - 17 Aug 2007

Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue290/

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: SPONSORED LINK
  Discoo sale! 
  
  Up to 70% off T-Shirts by Junk Food, Ringspun,
  Boxresh, Religion, Ed Hardy and more. It is the
  Discoo Summer Clearance Sale.  Grab a bargain
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http://www.Discoo.co.uk/t-shirts-men-c-53.html


  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then twitter our facebooks
  with your ugc-css, Daddio.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Date rape, shitty knickers and kittens. Maybe
  
  >> Misheard lyrics #763521 <<
  CCC has been tackling the "let's purposely
  misinterpret lyrics" idea with his usual
  attention for madness. We giggled like
  rottweilers tearing up a toddler. Assuming dogs
  could laugh, which they can't. We think, but
  we're not vets, so we don't know.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Fart_in_the_duck


  >> Does Jesus love you? <<
  Mdridiot has been pondering God and whether or
  not his love can truly be called conditional.
  Thought you'd enjoy a little theology amongst
  the usual crap of restaurants with rude names
  and references to Hitler and masturbation.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Re_Jesus_Loves_You


  >> Early 90s Indie MP3 Blog <<
  "I'm old", spluffs new_matt, "and I like my
  music old. And on vinyl. And indie. So I've
  started collecting all my old vinyl records and
  using magic to turn them into mp3s." Basically,
  if you're English, a bloke, hated sport and
  aged between say 30 and 35, then THIS is the
  site for you. Maybe.
http://becausemidwaystillarentcomingback.blogspot.com/


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Fire me! I'm shit!

  Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes
  and lies into one handy place on the interweb.
  
  Last week we asked you to confess why you're
  rubbish at your job and why you should be given
  the big heave-ho.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/whyishouldbefired/


  * "I'M A LIFEGUARD - I can't swim. (silkysean)
     

  * COFFEE BASTARD - "Abbie sat to my left; she
  was 21, attractive and jittery with it. If
  somebody dropped a file loudly she would
  flinch. The mischief switch in my head went and
  the challenge was on to see how strong I could
  make her coffee before she noticed. A few days
  later a manager named John caught me in the
  kitchen counting out 4 spoonfuls of coffee into
  Abbie’s cup. "What are you doing?” he asked. I
  didn’t know he was stood behind me so I was a
  bit flustered and just fessed up, “I’m seeing
  how much I can drug Abbie with coffee, you
  see…if you use more milk it masks the colour
  and taste..." I trailed off nervously. It had to
  stop a few days later, I was up to 5 spoonfuls
  which to put in context is a 1000% increase in
  dosage. Abbie was noticeably twitchier. I got a
  phone call that was for her, I turned to my
  left and said that I was putting a call through
  which she duly acknowledged, when she picked up
  I said in the killer from 'Scream' voice "HELLO
  ABBIE, DO YOU LIKE SCARY MOVIES!?"... She
  screamed. Loudly. Then cried. A lot. I’m not
  sure drugging colleagues with coffee is a
  sackable offence, it should be." (Colonel Dracula)
  
     
  * "HATS - I excelled this week by opening up
  all the mail and trying each envelope on as a
  hat one by one. It took half an hour and it was
  completely worth it. And if you're stuck for a
  balaclava, A4 brown envelopes with the
  see-through window is perfect. (MrGomez)


  >> This Week's Question <<
  They fuck you up, your mum and dad, they don't
  mean to, but they do. Give us your Larkins
  without the rhymes. Cheers.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/terribleparenting/


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Disturbing children's book <<
  Always odd when kids' books try to deal with
  serious subjects. Here we have "I was sexually
  abused and I think I may be gay". Some way away
  from "Run Spot Run."
http://dormitem.com/blog/193


  >> Epic anal procedure <<
  Bloke on a mountain biking site asks if he's
  good to go rising on Dartmoor the same day he
  has to take a powerful laxative. In response he
  gets a long hilariously detailed account of why
  it would in no way be a good idea - from
  personal experience.
http://snipurl.com/poopyfun


  >> Shipman tattoo <<
  Cheeky little cartoon of Harold Shipman, inked
  permanently onto someone's arm. That's taking
  fandom to a new level.
http://modblog.bmezine.com/2007/08/13/hobowars-online-gaming-tattoo/


  >> Superman's secret identity revealed - again <<
  It's inexplicable that Superman's managed to
  keep his true identity a secret for so long,
  being as he uses the lamest disguise ever - a
  pair of glasses. And it seems that's not all -
  look at the number of times people have managed
  to put the pieces together.
http://www.coverbrowser.com/top/supermanrevealed


  >> The 'Ball Lifter' <<
  It's a wonder bra for the testicles. Whether
  that's attractive to women is a matter for some
  debate, we think.
http://wildmant.com/shop/showitem.cfm?ID=37


  >> Haggling for hotdogs <<
  Interesting article, wherein a bloke decides to
  apply bargaining skills to even the most
  trivial everyday transactions. But first he has
  to learn the basic skills. We find the best way
  of getting a good price for something is to
  genuinely not be interested in it -
  indifference drives those sales guys crazy.
http://snipurl.com/haggler


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  It's like animated gifs on demand

  >> Kitten fight <<
  Two adorable bundles of fluff indulge in
  fisticuffs. Their little friend tries to break
  it up in an unexpected fashion. 
http://www.b3ta.com/links/kittens_have_fight


  >> Eastenders beatbox <<
  Cute bit of rhythm work based on Eastenders
  characters. Oh, actually it is slightly
  annoying but the payoff is nice.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/eastenders_beatbox


  >> Japanese girls black up <<
  Noted Japanophile Jonathan Ross examines the
  youth phenomenon of Ganguro. This mostly
  consists of women dressing in 70s colours,
  donning unconvincing face paint and running
  round being 'bad'. Inexplicable.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iyK66UHcrY4


  >> Ad for new graphics tool <<
  It's ticking all the boxes - talking heads with
  odd-shaped glasses, gushing rapturously about
  the world-shattering quality of their product.
  Yup, it's a parody, of course. 
http://b3ta.com/links/Don_t_think_this_has_been_posted_before


  >> System Of A Downs <<
  Bill is a rock band fronted by singer Bill
  Gage; a bloke with fairly severe Down's
  Syndrome. As you can imagine, he's putting out
  some pretty weird-sounding stuff. Wonder if
  he's making any money at it.
http://www.myspace.com/badclothes


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: FUNNY NAME CORNER 
  Chinky paste

  Jimmywee writes, "the newsletter recently
  featured the Chinese 'Darkie' toothpaste, now
  renamed 'Darlie'. I was in Hong Kong a couple
  of weeks ago, and found that not only is Darlie
  still very much in evidence, but another
  Chinese manufacturer seems to jumped into the
  fast-growing racist toothpaste market." Ideal
  for yellow teeth? Sorry.
http://www.crowaptok.com/images/racist_toothpaste.jpg


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: HOW YOU CUT YOUR SIDEYS
  Our readers bugger grip tips
  
  Last week we rambled about the best way to trim
  your cheek minges to equal length but we little
  expected such a flurry of emails on this
  surprisingly controversial subject. Your
  suggestions included:

  * SIMPLE AND OBVIOUS - "why not just shave a
  sideburn, put your finger on the end of it,
  then shave to the same level on the other
  side." (Rushy)

  * IMPRACTICAL WHIMSY - "I bought a pair of
  crappy sunglasses from Poundland that offered
  no protection from the sun so that I could
  still see clearly through them.  I then cut out
  some full mutton shapes from some old Coco Pops
  boxes and used duck tape to wrap around the
  cardboard making it waterproof and allowed an
  easy way to attach to the arms of the
  sunglasses.  Now just crack them on and shave
  around the templates." (L.S.T)

  * BEST ANSWER - "it's easier to measure
  according to various ear indentations (upper
  lobe, mid lobe, lower lobe). If you're going
  longer than your earlobes you're a scruffy
  hippy anyway, so no one really cares if your
  sideburns are uneven because they're too busy
  worrying about the smell." (Krang)

  And with that, hopefully, the subject of ear
  pubes is closed.

  
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Literal Lyrics Challenge

  Last week we wanted to you to portray songs
  literally.

  Two of your three favourites were odes to
  masturbation:
 
  * TIGHT FIT - In the Jungle, the mighty jungle,
  the lion has logged into Messenger (Dr. Strange)

  * DEXYS - Not quite what Kevin Rowland had in
  mind when he penned this plea (oAmadeuso)

  * THE AUTOMATIC - What's that coming over the
  hill? A giant purple cock (mamilla_sarsum)

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/literal_song_lyrics/


  >> New challenge: Celebrity Afterlife <<
  Heaven, Hell or somewhere else altogether: fire
  up Photoshop and show us how celebrities will
  fare in the afterlife. Challenge suggested by
  The Great Architect.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/celebrity_afterlife/


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  MOBILE PHONE CHARGERS - "A little fact," beams
  gphilpots, "In South Korea, all the phones made
  there (Samsung, LG) use the same kind of
  chargers, so you're unlikely to run out of
  power." Very enlightened - shame they don't do
  it here, really.


  "MY CHOCOLATE RAIN PARODY," confides
  RussInLondon, "As posted via B3ta, led to me
  being interviewed about Tay Zonday on E! Online
  and in the LA Times. It'll be in the print
  version on Sunday, apparently." Yay! Hope fame
  doesn't destroy you!
http://snipurl.com/1pm5d


  SHOE CAMERAS - for taking photos of ladies'
  knickers on the underground. That's what we
  asked for last week. HomerJH reminds us that
  this is indeed the reason why mobile phone
  cameras make a noise when they take a picture -
  to avoid this sort of thing. "But what with the
  smaller wireless cameras now available," he
  continues brightly, "a false leg cast could be
  used: plenty of space to fit a camera!"
http://snipurl.com/shoecam


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * TEST SCIENCE - this sounds like bollocks to
  us but Jamie_W writes, "I was reading
  'Environmental Enrichment for Captive Animals'
  and have come across this piece of information:
  'If a chipmunk is housed in a room with a
  television left in standby mode, the ultrasound
  produced by the television can kill the animal
  within two days'." So, if anyone has a chipmunk
  they don't use anymore, perhaps they could test
  this for us?

  * FIREWORK CHALLENGE - If you tied forty or so
  rockets to an office chair - would it get off
  the ground?

  * SAUSAGE SONGS - we think almost all tunes are
  improved by changing the main noun in the title
  to sausage, e.g., "My own, personal, sausage,
  someone to be my friend." Not sure where we're
  going with this, maybe you can help?

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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  THANKS:

  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by blogoscoped,
  reject_jon, Cakie Top Tippery by, err remembar
  that? Additional linkage and image challenge by
  Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Subj
  from connor.
  
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  SICKIPEDIA:

  A man goes into a library and asks for a book
  on suicide. The librarian says; "Fuck off, you
  won't bring it back."
http://www.sickipedia.org/

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