we love the web
email us
NEWSLETTER: "WE AR IN UR BBC RIGGNG UR COMPOS"

next issue »
« previous issue

This Week:
* FOOD - Silkworm pizza
* IMAGE CHALLENGE - Evil books for kiddies
* QUESTION - Have YOU drunk meths like us?

-------------------------------------------------
________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      "We're not buying 
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      the Harry Potter
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|      book... together"

286, 20 7 2007, International Heliophysical year

Probably looks better in a browser. Yo clickity.
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue286/

            Sub:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
         Snub:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
-------------------------------------------------

: SPONSORED LINK
  Dance like a mentalist

  Every generation invents a dance to confound
  their mums and dads: The Charleston, Pogoing
  and Head-banging all resulted in moral panic
  and incredulity. Now it's Krumpings' turn. Be
  down with the kids, learn about it here.
http://www.wirebreakers.com


  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Buying B3ta ad space is both relaxing and
  refreshing.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Pizza, Races and Pirate noises

  >> Silkworm pizza <<
  Putrid chef Fraser Lewry has recently been
  cooking up a storm with his silkworm pupa pizza.
  The result looks surprisingly tasty, but we're
  assured that it tastes little better than a
  shit in a bun.
http://www.blogjam.com/2007/06/28/silkworm-pupa-pizza/


  >> Google Maps races <<
  "I made a game!" gesticulates Tom Scott, "It's
  a Google Maps racing game! You can drive like a
  loon around your home-town in a pixelly car.
  It's vastly improved if you make racing-car
  noises as you play. Although, frankly,
  anything's improved by making racing-car
  noises." This isn't the most playable thing
  you'll see today but you have to love the idea.
http://www.thomasscott.net/realworldracer/


  >> Phoning for a curry like a pirate <<
  "It was a warm, slightly pissed Saturday night
  and we decided to order Indian for dinner,"
  boasts mrgyneacologist, "my mate challenged me
  a tenner to order it like a pirate." We didn't
  want to like this, but somehow, we kinda did.
  Sorry.
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=jOZnpNMDVd0


-------------------------------------------------

: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Flatulent arseholes

  Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes
  and lies into one handy place on the interweb.
  
  Last week we asked about your anal guffs:
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/farting/

  * THE LONDON EYE "is basically a small sealed
  plastic capsule on a huge wheel. It takes 30
  minutes to complete a revolution and once it
  has begun there is no way to go off other than
  waiting for the ride to finish. Thus, it was a
  rare moment of synchronicity that I dropped the
  most pungent gruff of my entire life right at
  the top of the London eye, on a hot summers
  day, surrounded by unsuspecting tourists. I
  swear to god one Italian lady tried to force
  the main door on the capsule. She would have
  rather jumped than bear the stench anymore.
  They knew it was me because I was the only one
  laughing." (MrVictim)

  * OUR DOG BEN "once farted in front of the gas
  fire, and lit his own fart. The surprise and
  confusion as he leapt up and whipped around to
  see what what going on with his bum was quite
  special. Length - dunno, but it definitely went
  'woof'." (BeatsWork)

  * SUPERMARKET SWEEP - "When I was younger I
  used to work in a supermarket on the night
  shift. One night, to alleviate the inevitable
  boredom of shelf-stacking, I wandered down to
  the front desk, held down the talk button and
  let a real teeth-rattler go into the microphone
  of the PA system. I can't begin to express the
  satisfaction of hearing ones own arse-biscuit
  echo round the eves of a large closed
  supermarket followed by a hearty cheer from
  impressed colleagues." (toomanydecibels)


  >> Drinking meths <<
  We'd like you to tell us your stories of
  teenage rebellion. Hopefully involving meths.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/teenagerebellion/


-------------------------------------------------

: SIGNS OF THE APOCALYPSE
  Sausage-crust pizza

  Japan has finally brought its engineering
  genius to fast food. It's all in the detail; a
  pizza with small, cheesy sausage-rolls circling
  the rim, topped with maple syrup and
  beef-burgers. Is this some deluded Oriental
  parody of what Westerners eat?
http://www.plasticbamboo.com/2007/07/16/pizza-hut-double-roll/


-------------------------------------------------

: RICHARD & JUDY'S B3TA BOOK CLUB  
  Tintin In The Congo

  Times change and books that were once seen as
  appropriate are now considered, in the words
  of Commission for Racial Equality, "old
  fashioned, racist claptrap." This Tintin tome,
  for instance, has been kicking up a stink in
  the UK, with calls for high-street shops to pull
  the book from the shelves. Sales, of course,
  have sky-rocketed, hence the right thing to do
  is to download a hooky copy to see what the
  fuss is about without lining the pockets of
  "all publicity is good publicity" publishers.
http://snipurl.com/tintinandthenignogs


-------------------------------------------------

: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Hat/pillow combo <<
  Always got time for surprising product
  convergence, our all-time favourite being the
  excremental salt/pepper medley, Spepper. Our
  pick of the pox this week is this nutty
  professor, who's decided to mash-up a cushion and
  a balaclava. Although having said all that, we
  quite fancy one, and wonder if someone could
  design us a sofa/toilet melange for the truly
  idle.
http://itp.nyu.edu/%7Ejyp243/jy/pillow.htm


  >> Maddox on the iPhone <<
  As reader awthomas100 points out, "Maddox has
  finally written something new. He sure is
  getting lazy." True enough, but now the wait is
  over we're enjoying his rant on how much better
  some Nokia is than the iPhone. Will history
  prove him right? 
http://www.thebestpageintheuniverse.net/c.cgi?u=iphone


  >> Very Weird Game <<
  Can't claim we bothered playing this game
  properly, but the mental visuals made us
  nostalgic for the earlier days of B3ta and our
  less-than-influential 'shit is good' manifesto.
http://www.secrettechnology.com/gamegame/gamegame.html


  >> Rubber woman <<
  Wannabe Buffalo Bill? Don't bother skinning a
  woman to make a lady suit - simply give these
  marketing perverts your credit card details in
  exchange for a prostitute-shaped rubber suit.
  Complete with "urethra orifice" and "insertable
  rectum for the anus." We're wearing one now.
  And pushing drawing pins into our scrotum.
  Don't lie - we know you are too.
http://www.femskin.com/


  >> What time is it? <<
  "Time is an illusion, lunch-times doubly so,"
  as the great Douglas Adams once wrote, probably
  after a very boozy lunch, procrastinating about
  writing another best-seller. No particular
  reason to mention this other than
  chrono-boffins have designed a watch that
  always tells the correct time. i.e. 'now'. If
  they were really clever, it should photograph
  as 'then'.
http://www.elevatefilms.com/NOW_Watch_p/watch-001.htm


  >> Mike Read NOT standing for Mayor <<
  We repeat, Mike Read - one-time Radio 1
  journalist - is NOT standing for London Mayor.
  Loving these 1000+ comments on the Guardian
  mocking the nation's least favourite DJ for his
  pompous arrogance. As b3tard Parmesan writes,
  "It is, quite possibly, the most astonishingly
  self-regarding, deluded, bizarre piece of
  writing I have ever seen. Some have speculated
  that it could only be the work of Chris Morris,
  or some other joker."
http://snipurl.com/justrelaxyouoldtwat


-------------------------------------------------

: TONY HARTS GALLERY 
  Collections of photos. 7 rofls out of ten stuff

  >> Unfortunate Advertising <<
  Placing advertising is a tricksy job, news
  happens quickly and story-vs-spot juxtaposition
  can create some interesting tension. Some
  classics of the genre are found here.
http://www.oddee.com/item_87332.aspx


  >> Deleted photos <<
  Digital cameras have changed photography. No
  more 'say cheese', now we take 100s of snaps
  and throw away the ones that look rubbish. This
  site questions your need to chuck, and
  celebrates the snaps that end up in the recycle
  bin. Although we question the methods: how can
  a user both delete and submit the same photo? A
  better plan would be to employ cyber-ninjas to
  check strangers' recycle bins. 
http://www.deletedimages.com/


  >> Seeing skulls <<
  Dave 'please don't email me googlewhacks'
  Gorman has recently been building a collection
  on Flickr of photographed objects that resemble
  faces. Similar but eerier stuff going on here,
  finding pix that look like flesh-riven human
  heads. Perhaps you can help?
http://skulladay.blogspot.com/


-------------------------------------------------

: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
  Baby Hedgepig
  
  "We've just adopted this little fella",
  grumbles DancesWithWeezils, "He was abandoned
  by his mother when her nest was disturbed!"
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Cute_baby_hedgehog_video


-------------------------------------------------

: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Well at least it's not 'Facebook Ap of teh week'

  >> Best jump ever? <<
  In what will presumably be pulled from YouTube
  once the hits rack up, and end up on break.com,
  we're giggling at this clip of school boys
  jumping from a roof onto a trampoline. Yes,
  it's as bad an idea as it sounds.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mvoYXkEe8OM


  >> Nearly nude dancey twat <<
  We're amused by this clip both because, well, a
  slightly overweight bloke dancing in his pants
  is always a winner, and secondly because he
  shares a name with someone we worked with,
  Steve Berry, a web producer once of Channel 4.
  Hi Steve! Nice knickers!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7w1gjX_GeIY


  >> Dancing girl <<
  Apparently this clip was made by playing the
  song at half speed and then speeding up the
  video. However it was done, the effect is
  mesmeric.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sr2JneittqQ


-------------------------------------------------

: FUNNY NAME CORNER 
  Guaranteed 100% funnier than ever

  >> Philippino MILFs <<
  Probably not what you're thinking, but an
  unwisely-named group of Islamic militants as
  in: "But he denied that the MILF was
  responsible for the beheadings, or that it was
  involved in the kidnapping of the priest."
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/asia-pacific/6290302.stm


  >> Butt Foods <<
  If you thought this feature couldn't get less
  sophisticated then hang your head in shame!
  And likewise to the bakers, who clearly
  weren't even trying with this name.
http://www.buttfoods.co.uk/


  >> Alice Bendova <<
  "When I was in Prague last week," explains
  Clive P, "I was attracted to the smiling face
  on a magazine on a bookstand. It turned out
  that the lovely lady is called Alice Bendova."
  Cue racy comment and sniggering.
http://www.super.cz/celebrity/alice-bendova


-------------------------------------------------

: T-SHIRT OF THE WEEK
  Foody Tube / Underground

  Big massive props to uber-genius "An Eagle in
  your Mind" who's created for us possibly the best
  t-shirt ever designed. You need this on your
  chest.
http://www2.printshop.co.uk/b3ta.html


-------------------------------------------------

: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Muppets Challenge

  Last week we wanted to watch movies 
  starring the muppets.

  Your favourites included:
 
  * KERMAL RECALL - On of the most famous
    sequences in science-fiction, recreated
    with added green (dbroon)

  * BORT - yorn desh born, der ritt de gitt 
    der gue, Orn desh, dee born desh, de 
    umn bort! bort! bort! (shovelboy)

  * WACKA MAN - According to Wikipedia, 
    Fozzie's catch-phrase is actually 'Wocka 
    Wocka Wocka', but who cares? (The 
    Great Architect)

    All these images, and the highest as
    voted by you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/muppets/


  >> New challenge: Bad Books For Kids <<
  Books are a vital part of any child's 
  early learning. So let's mess with their
  little heads and devise the most 
  inappropriate children's books ever. 
  Challenge borrowed from Something Awful.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/childrens-books/


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * FREE ALAN JOHNSTON was last week's plaintive
  cry. However, Elvis of Nazareth was unamused.
  "With regard to your latest newsletter, I must
  inform you that my advertised free Alan
  Johnston was missing from my particular copy. I
  have informed my newsagent but alas he is a
  cunt." Our apologies, Elvis. We will fax you
  one across via the interwebs.

  * THE SO-CALLED 'MICE' featured in newsletter
  285 were, in fact, voles. "Trust me," says
  ferret joe gravely, with the full authority of
  a man who has a 2.2 in zoology.  

  * BEEROPHONE - Bringing to life our fondest
  dream, The Coast of Yemen has crafted a mighty
  musical instrument powered by thirst-quenching
  amber nectar. Having beheld its wondrous form
  nothing will satisfy us now but that we see or
  hear it play! 
http://www.b3ta.cr3ation.co.uk/data/jpg/beerophone.jpg


-------------------------------------------------

: FRIDAY GAME
  Tetris - drag'n'drop

  The interface innovations of the early 90s have
  finally been brought to everyone's favourite
  pentomino-based gaming-heroin. Kinda fun in a
  'Windows 3.1 on your Gameboy' sorta way.
http://gcgz.com/inflash/list/x.php?check=1&link_id=10608


-------------------------------------------------

: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * GRAVITY DARTS - we placed a dart-board
  beneath a high, open window and dropped darts
  out. It was a lot of fun, but probably best not
  done near pavements.

  * THOMAS THE AUSWITCHZ ENGINE - the disturbing
  story of Thomas and Percy talking the nice
  Jewish folks to the gas chambers. 

  * RICHARD DAWKINS IS MY DAD - a cartoon from
  the perspective of a small child, sobbing as
  old Dadkins debunks the tooth fairy, using a
  very detailed powerpoint presentation.

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


-------------------------------------------------

  Subscribe:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
  Unsubscribe:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

-------------------------------------------------

  THANKS:
  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Sarah Bee,
  Absynth&Cheese, hahn, klaus, Rob 'Rob'
  Wakefield,  tex, pinkda1sy, sdoty,
  wandring_soul, Hairy. Additional linkage and
  image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder
  is QOTW bloke. Subject-line compo winner: Ad7.
  Pork chops to b4ta. (         )
  
-------------------------------------------------

  SICKIPEDIA:
  What's the difference between the Scottish and
  Madeleine McCann? The Scottish are still
  tight.	  
http://www.sickipedia.org/

next issue »
« previous issue