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NEWSLETTER: "JESUS CHRIST'S COCK UP THE VIRGIN MARY'S ARSE"

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This Week:
* Swearing - now with sparklers
* Food - a dog dinner. Literally
* Tattoos - oh you don't want to look, really

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're eating the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       dogs... together"

B3ta email 253 - 10 Nov 2006

Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue253/

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: THE GP2X: IT'S NOT A PSP!
  Sponsored link

  OK supergeekspactards, it's taken a while but
  we are ready to release our new handheld. The
  GP2X does movies, music, games and emulation
  better than anything else. It's the best
  present you could possibly buy for yourself.
  So come on, put two fingers up at Sony and
  join us instead.
http://www.gp2x.co.uk


  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Need this space? Then speak to using the your
  Amstrad emailer phone.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Swears, Woofs & Crackers
  
  >> Swearing Sparklers <<
  Looks like Johnyboyf had fun this bonfire
  night, we took some sparklers and set his
  camera on a long exposure and wrote rude words
  in the air. Wonderful stuff. You'll be doing
  the same next year we bet.
http://johnyboy.googlepages.com/


  >> Eating dogs <<
  The lengthy named "Last Night A DJ Battered My
  Christ" has followed up his eating fertilised
  eggs escapades with one-better. He's only gone
  an eaten a dog. Has he shot his load? Can can
  he possibly follow this? Copraphilia?
  Cannibalism?
http://foodtube.livejournal.com/1358.html


  >> Scare your Gran this Xmas <<
  "When compiling the Bumper B3ta Book of Sick
  Jokes", informs your Ginger Fuhrer, "One of my
  favourite ideas I had was to take a handful of
  the worst  jokes and present them as mottos in
  Christmas crackers. I figured people could 
  print them out and ruin Christmas. Sadly as
  last minute production problem  prevented the
  this from being included in the book, so here
  they are, on the web, DVD extra stylee."
http://www.robmanuel.com/category/sick-joke-book/


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Dentists

  Last week we wanted your dentist stories. What
  stood out from the tales of blood and gore was
  a massive riposte from 'Calfderno', a working
  dentist. We are truly humbled. Go read his
  rant and brush your horrible teeth:
http://b3ta.com/questions/dentists/

 * BIG BREAST LADY
   "Look, this is pathetic, but here we go. My
   dentist is a beautiful woman in her mid 30s
   with a chest which would have been quite at
   home in a 1950s sitcom... I'm talking big,
   perfectly formed and big. And big. And she
   insists on the gas and lets you play your own
   CDs while she works... So basically when she
   leans over to start work on my mouth and I'm
   slightly off my bean with some of my
   favourite tunes blaring away and the eighth
   and ninth wonders of the world in my face to
   be quite honest I couldn't care less whether
   she starts drilling with a jackhammer. I'm
   thinking of flossing with a mouldy boot-lace
   in the hope of encouraging dental problems.
   Oh yes and her name is Dr Zongas. No
   kidding." (difficultchild)

 * BIG FINGER MAN
   "I was having a few teeth taken out and my
   mouth had been anaesthetised. A few minutes
   into the procedure, the dentist began to
   shout: "Open your jaw! You're biting me!" Ggg
   g ggh! [No I'm not!] "OPEN YOUR JAW! You are
   biting my finger!" GGH G GGH! [No I'm not!]
   Of course, I couldn't feel a thing because of
   the anaesthetic; the full force of my jaw was
   clamped down on his finger. In the end, he
   had to prise my mouth open with his other
   hand and bandage the wounded finger. But not
   before he brandished the digit in my face: a
   livid and empurpled sausage imprinted with a
   flawless imprint of my molars and incisors.
   He later became a priest." (frankspencer)

 * BIG MOUTH LADY
   "My wife has a big mouth. A very big mouth.
   She can fit her fist in it, or for that
   matter, a small horse. Once when she was in
   the dentist's chair, the dentist said "Open
   wide". She did. Shocked at the now gaping maw
   that appeared, he stumbled backwards and said
   "Gracious, not THAT wide." (lardaholics
   anonymous )


 >> This Week's Question <<
  Have your mates ever gone too far? Taken a
  normal situation and turned it to shit? We're
  waiting for your call.
http://b3ta.com/questions/goingtoofar/


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> "The Pass Around Girl" <<
  Introducing Michelle, the lady with "I swallow
  cum" tattooed on her right tit and "I eat
  pussy" inked on her left. Other tats include
  "Fuck My Whore Pussy" on above her hips and
  classiest of all, "For Deposit Only" over her
  sore looking vagina. She also includes an
  email address if you fancy getting to know her
  better. NSFW. Like duh.
http://www.bmezine.com/news/pubring/20061028.html


  >> 248 ways to annoy people <<
  Huge comedic list of irritating ideas
  including our favourites: "If you have a glass
  eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen
  while talking to others", "Wander around a
  restaurant, asking other diners for their
  parsley", and best of all, "Leave the copy
  machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17
  inch paper, 99 copies." 
http://www.dbooth.net/internerd/annoy.cfm


  >> Taxidermy bookmarks <<
  Are you the type of anal weirdo who uses
  bookmarks instead of just folding down a
  corner of a page? Are you also a potential
  serial killer? Then you'll love this hot
  foreign e-commerce site selling bookmarks made
  from real squashed mice. An ideal gift for an
  intelligent cat.
http://www.tierpraeparation-bochum.de/shop.html


  >> Extreme scarification <<
  Continuing the body modification theme is this
  delightful young lady who has gouged strips of
  skin from her back to create a florid bamboo
  motif. Actually the result isn't too shabby,
  but it's the work in progress photos that
  really turn the stomach. Bloody, fleshy worms
  of back skin. Possibly something our
  previously mentioned dog eater would like to
  chow down on.
http://javimoya.com/blog/galerias/rubia-escarificada.html


  >> Pimp my shoe <<
  Ok we've had case-mods, car-mods but now
  trainer-mods? What next? Pimp my scotch egg?
  Oh yeah, we did that, last year.
http://www.zoltron.com/shoeseum/


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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
  Dogs in hats

  HOLD ON! Yes it's the oldest, dullest B3ta
  cliche in the world. "Stick in some photos of
  animals wearing clothes, that'll keep the
  punters happy." But there's something more
  here, it's the scope of the site. Thousands of
  pups, all web 2.0 tagged, all super fresh and
  modern like. 
http://www.costumedogs.com/tag/hat/


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Youtube raped our mum!


  >> u2 meets David Brent? <<
  Unintentional humour from an American banking
  conference, with sales blokey re-writing the
  words to the dwarf-rockers hit, One.
  Cringe-making.
http://www.spareroom.co.nz/2006/11/08/one-bank/


  >> Billy idol Christmas cash-in <<
  Fans of complete shit are in for a treat here
  as 80s cyber-twat Billy Idol is back, Back,
  BACK! He's made version of Bing Crosby's White
  Christmas for the granny market. The comedy
  comes from the reasonably competent crooning
  combined with Billy's trademark sneers and
  fist clenching. Wonderful.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K5dBV3d0SqQ&eurl=


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: FUNNY NAME CORNER 
  Ha ha, hold our sides, they're splitting

  Phil Spiny writes to us saying, "Insensitive
  but amusing name of the day?" Yep, that's
  about the size of it.
http://snipurl.com/Kok_On_Chin


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: BONUS GOOGLE GAME
  Search engine bores, this is for you!
  
  Mister man writes - 

  "A simple but fun Google game: search for "x
  has no" where x is your favourite city.  From
  playing it, it seems that Seattle has no one
  to blame but themselves, London has no
  biological siblings but she has a stepsister
  named Yolanda, and Amsterdam has no diplomatic
  functions."

  Your mileage may vary.
http://www.google.com/search?q=Nick+Lachey+has+no


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Flag Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to make some lovely
  new flags that said something more about the
  wonderful countries on planet Earth.

  Our favourites included:
 
  * "I'm with stupid" - finally revenge from
  Canada for all those jokes the USA makes.
  (wibblywobbly)

  * "Ikea flag" - took us a while to get this
  one, and when we did, we felt very pleased
  with ourselves. (Fishcat)

  * "Union jack plug hole" - no, not a old
  poster for Oasis but "biting political satire"
  from Manic. Sorry manic love, can we run our
  "putting the lol into po-lol-otics" line
  again? 

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/flags/


  >> New challenge: Jesus <<
  This week we're asking the question on every
  Mexican's lips, what would Jesus do?
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/what_would_jesus_do/


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * UPDATED MP3 TOOL - cr3 signs, "Following on
  from the success that was the music search
  tool I made last, I've made a much, much
  faster one. You get one track for one query.
  Fair's fair, after all." Try searching for b3ta.
http://www.b3ta.cr3ation.co.uk/site/inspire/


  * GOODBYE IRRITATING EMAILS - after getting a
  particularly annoying email last week we asked
  for a service that could delete all annoying
  emails from our inbox. Puneypunk, has come to
  the rescue, maybe taking our request a little
  too far.
http://lostzone.co.uk/puneypunk/gmail.html


  * MOTHERORLOVER CONTROVERSY - a few weeks ago
  we asked you to write a quiz called Mother or
  Lover, last week we featured one such project
  and this week Pineapplecharm writes, "You're
  fucking joking! Mine is loads better." Hmm,
  he's got a point. But has it got Alex from
  Popworld and Sadie Frost in it yet?
http://pineapplecharm.com/motherorlover/


  * THE RETUNRN OF THE PROFANIWIKI - Paul
  informs, "It was up and then down but now its
  up for good. I will endeavour to make it stay
  up." Funny that Paul, do you have similar
  problems with your old chap?
http://profaniwiki.com


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE


  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things you'd really like to see include

  * FUCK PORRIDGE - Harryfreeze writes, "An
  excerpt of Porridge edited with Ronnie
  Barker's expression 'naff' replaced by 'fuck'
  which it was designed to replace.  Mainly I'd
  like to see Fletch saying 'Fuck off Godber'."


  * POLISH FOOD - Fatsquirrel wants our readers
  to eat such delights as Peasant's Lard, Pork
  Knuckle & Tinned meat for tourists. Report
  back please.
http://snipurl.com/polishfood

  * CLEANING WITH HUMAN FLUIDS - what gets a
  better shine on your car? Earwax or spunk?
  (This one suggested by your Ginger Fuhrer)

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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  THANKS:
  This issue was written by Rob Manuel. Low
  staffed and late because Dave & Fraser have
  taken a holiday. Stuff sent in by colonelkb
  and ana. Top Tippery by getrichslowly.org.
  Additional linkage and image challenge by
  Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  Zoophilia to b4ta. (01902763521)
  
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  TOP TIP:
  Get rich slowly. Tax yourself, every time you
  buy something nonessential, put 10% of the
  purchase price in an envelope.

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