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NEWSLETTER: "STINKY LINKY FROM OUR PINKY WINKY"

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This Week:
* GAME - Shag, marry or kill?
* FLICKR - Print your photos as business cards
* GOOD NEWS! - Message from Jesus

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       web... together"

B3ta email 247 - 22 Sept 2006

Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue247/

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: SPONSORED LINK
  Clerks 2 Quotes
 
  "I want to see if a chick with a mouthful of
  donkey spunk swallows." Randal to Elias
 
  "The best part of this job is all the barely
  legal pussy that comes in. And they all look
  up to me because I've got  a driver's
  license." Randal to Dante
 
  "17 year olds nowadays are crazy. They even
  like it when you go ass-to-mouth." Randal to
  Dante
 
  "What kind of sick fuck gets turned on
  watching a guy fuck a donkey?" Jay to Silent Bob
  
  Clerks 2 - at cinemas now
http://snipurl.com/clerks2movie

 
 >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Shag game, cards, Formby and Steel
  
  >> Marry, shag or kill <<
  Hotornot, the web hit of yesteryear was based
  on the premise that all men on seeing a lady
  instantly make a rough rating on her sex
  appeal. Gilgamesh takes the idea one stage
  further by presenting you with three images
  and asking which ones you'd marry, shag or
  kill. We found the game surprisingly
  engrossing. And not just because your Ginger
  Fuhrer is in the list, and so far 42.0% of you
  want to shag him.
http://kineticnorth.com/MarryShagKill/


  >> Print your flickr cards <<
  B3ta designer Denise has recently joined an
  internet start-up company called Moo, offering
  flickr users the ability to print out business
  cards based on their own photos. They look
  fantastic and almost every blog on the planet
  is linking to the news this week. Go girl!
http://www.moo.com/


  >> Ace of Spades Vs George Formby <<
  "I made this!", crows goatboy2k, "George's
  version of the Motorhead classic." Woo. Kept
  us entertained whilst the kettle was boiling
  anyway.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Ace_of_Formby


  >> Danielle Steel title generator <<
  "Oi B3ta, it's me again. The Record Store Cats
  blokey", mews c_kick, "Ever wondered how
  Danielle Steel finds the inspiration for her
  novels? I have cracked the Steel Code."
http://ds.hnldesign.nl


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Unexpected Good Fortune
  
  After weeks of wallowing in the disasters of
  your lives, we thought we'd find out about the
  times when things have finally gone right:
http://b3ta.com/questions/unexpectedgoodfortune/

  * POSH TOILET ENCOUNTER
    "A fine summer's day, and my Croatian friend
    insisted we visit the "Henley Boating Fair".
    By the time we got to Henley, we were pretty
    mortal and shouting Slavonic curses at all
    and sundry, but we ended up in some form of
    hotel bar full of decent chaps with more
    than a passing resemblance to the Major in
    Fawlty Towers. Croatian was in heaven,
    discussing military techniques with the
    passion and knowledge that only stems from
    having recently participated in civil war. I
    slipped out to powder my nose. Bingo! Wallet
    on the floor of the cubicle, stuffed full of
    pink grannies (£50s to you BACS people).
    Opened the cubicle door to find a very
    drunk, very old Major type looking quite
    concerned. "I...I don't suppose you've seen
    a wallet anywhere, old chap?" he slurred.
    What to do? I handed the wallet back, and
    the old duffer's eyes lit up. "Damn good
    chap! Damn good chap! Come on, let's have a
    drink!". Spent the next 5 hours alternating
    between brandy and champagne, utterly
    wrecked we crashed out, only to staggered
    down for breakfast to find the old fella had
    paid our entire room and bar bill and left
    an envelope containing £100 with
    instructions to eat a decent luncheon. A
    true gentleman." (cowfoot )
     
  * KIDDIE TOILET ENCOUNTER
    "Aged 8, me and my dad were in a pub and we
    needed the bathroom at the same time. At the
    urinals is a stranger. Just as I was
    beginning to let fly, the strange man said
    "Hi" to me. I looked at my dad, confused.
    Then back at the strange man, "Um... hi?"
    The man quickly said back, "You shouldn't
    talk to strangers!" This confused me, but he
    continued, "Luckily I'm a good stranger! I
    own a string of restaurants and am very
    rich." He then proceeded to pull out the
    FATTEST wad of cash you have ever seen, peel
    off a 20 pound note and hand it to me, then
    peel off another and hand it to my dad. "Put
    that in a bank and when you're older, you
    can open your own chain of restaurants," he
    said. I solemnly promised to take his
    advice. I spent it all the next day on
    sweets." (Black sky)
     
  * NOTHING TO DO WITH TOILETS
    "Yes! Last week, I put 40p in the vending
    machine at work, and not one but TWO Twixes
    came out. Best day ever." (Mikey_C)


  >> This Week's Question <<

  We'd like you your stories of old people vs
  computers. Talk us through the inevitable here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/oldpeoplevscomputers/


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Ewokocalypse now! <<
  Cast your minds back a few months and we
  mentioned Jerslater's blog 'How to Write
  Screenplays. Badly.' Specifically, an amusing
  post on pitching a script to Hollywood
  entitled 'Rape Bear'. We're also enjoying the
  rest of his blog - his writing on
  procrastination says it all better than we
  could.
http://jerslater.blogspot.com/2006/09/on-writers-life.html


  >> USB AA Batteries <<
  Continuing the endless theme of "shortcut to
  marketing smash = make it USB" comes the
  rechargeable batteries that you can plug
  directly into your PC, no re-charger required.
  Quite frankly this is a genius idea, and if
  they didn't sell batteries so cheap in our
  local Woolworth's, we'd buy shares in the
  company.
http://www.usbcell.com/


  >> Flying saucer clouds <<
  UFO nuts: Did you ever think that those
  strange shapes in the sky might be clouds?
  "Noooo!" you say, "I know what clouds look
  like." Think again, X-files fans. The truth is
  up there.
http://pic1.funtigo.com/valuca?g=25544746&cr=1


  >> Message from Jesus <<
  Good news! Jesus has appeared to eBay user
  xilliontherockopera and told him four secrets,
  including the bombshell news that cancer is
  "caused by biting our cuticles or biting our
  lips." You have the opportunity to buy the
  very notepad where our befuddled eBayer has
  scribbled his bipolar insights.
http://snipurl.com/jesussecrets


  >> Wikipedia: Semen <<
  We love Wikipedia, it's the finest flowering
  of collective human knowledge since the
  invention of the library. We also enjoy the
  odd little corners which might not have made
  it into the Encyclopaedia Britannica,
  including this page on ejaculate, illustrated
  by an anonymous Wikipedian's photo of his own
  spunk dripping off some nasty wallpaper. Way
  to go.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Semen


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  
  >> Two-headed cat <<
  We've all seen photos of two-headed kittens
  emailed from inbox to inbox, but here's a
  video of a living adult feline with plural
  faces. A cat for Cubists.
http://www.dailyhaha.com/_vids/Two_Headed_Cat.htm


  >> Quizmania gaffe <<
  For our readers who keep sensible waking
  hours, Quizmania is a show broadcast in the
  dead of night where punters phone in to grab
  the prizes. One of our favourite presenters is
  Greggles. His Butlins-style patter is
  sub-Shane Ritchie but we can't help but love
  him. Witness here his difficulty dealing with
  a woman who calls in and casually drops the
  fact that she had her legs cut off. Great
  stuff.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Quizmania_No_Legs_Caller


  >> Best rap video ever? <<
  'Weird Al' Yankovic is still best known in the
  UK for his 80s parody of Jacko's 'Beat It',
  entitled 'Eat It'. Hopefully things might
  change with this fantastic take on geek
  culture; 'White and Nerdy'. 
http://www.b3ta.com/links/best_rap_video_ever


  >> White Stripes Vs Simpsons <<
  Forget Ricky Gervais's much-hyped but
  ultimately crappy appearance on the show, the
  smart money is on The White Stripes for the
  coveted "best Simpsons cameo" award. Props to
  the Michael Gondry parody guys.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/White_Stripes_vs_Simpsons


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: FUNNY NAME CORNER 
  Quim Trim

  Angela Shingler exclaims, "In Paris, Texas
  there is a shop called MINGE TAXIDERMY!" She's
  not fibbing, you know. Looks like a great
  place to get your muff stuffed.
http://local.yahoo.com/details?id=18766117

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: ASK THE B3TARDS
  For when Google can't help

  >> Visible guffing <<
  Last we we asked why you can't see your farts
  on a cold day the same way you can see your
  breath. Once again, we were deluged with
  answers and/or half-baked theories. Darkmogwai
  seemed fairly credible when he told us, "There
  are two factors to bear in mind here:

  "1. Breath coming from your mouth is taken
  directly from your lungs. Your lungs are
  naturally kept warm and extremely moist in
  order to continue functioning. Hence, the
  breath that emerges from your mouth is about
  6% water at a temperature of 37 degrees. On
  the other hand, the environment of the lower
  intestine is considerably less moist, as will
  be the gas emerging from your anus when you
  parp.

  "2. The visibility of your breath in the air
  on a cold day is determined by two things -
  the coldness and the humidity of the air
  itself. The coldness is the most important of
  the two. But also, the more humid the air
  you're breathing out into, the more visible
  your breath.

  "So the answer is fairly self-explanatory -
  arse gas will not show up as well as breath in
  cold air, since the resulting mixture of arse
  gas/air will have a lower overall humidity and
  will not be as visible.

  "Having said all this, it's possible that in
  cold enough, humid enough conditions people
  will be able to tell you've farted from about
  100 yards away due to the resulting cloud. But
  it would have to be REALLY humid."

  Phew. So that's that solved. Or is it?
  Daveoddysey weighed in with, "Ever seen a cow
  fart in chilly winter? I have - and their
  flatulence is highly visible. I can only
  conclude that the volume of gas must have a
  bearing on the ability of it to support
  moistness."

  >> Tramps <<

  This week, Beddoes told us, "For well over ten
  years there has been a filthy tramp living
  under the flyover by Chiswick roundabout. He
  lives in a small box and has many different
  trampy propaganda signs aimed at the road.
  What's he all about?" We suspect the answer to
  this one won't be too easy to find on
  wikipedia...
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


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: HUMAN ZOO
  Camp bloke in red wellies

  Stuck for some lovely new wallpaper to brighten
  up your desktop? Thank this German pervert for
  putting the boot into bootiful.
http://www.trend4rain.de/10.html


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Egg Challenge

  Last week we asked for anything egg-related.
  Yep, anything.
 
  Your favourites included:
 
  * ROD HULL - Uncovering the dark origins of
  one of UK comedy's great double acts (Monkeon)

  * SCOTCH EGG - The ingredients of Scotland's
  legendary junk food finally revealed (mrRush)

  * FERTILISATION - The secret lives of
  spermatazoa (Leningrad)

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/egg/


  >> New challenge: Holly Dyslexia <<
  The plot is awesome, Hollywood's finest actors
  are in place, all we need now is a
  headline-grabbing, heart-stopping title to
  ensure big box office returns... so how could
  it all go wrong in a few little words?
  (suggested by The Great Architect) 
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/dyslexia/


  >> Your challenge ideas <<
  We want your image challenge ideas. Then we
  want you to vote on the challenges suggested
  by other people. It's easy. 
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/imagechallenge/


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * B3TA MUMS ARE TOMORROW PEOPLE - blindmelon
  writes, "Re: Bullitt's mum. My mum was in the
  Tomorrow People too. She was Hsui Tai, who
  actually WAS one of the Tomorrow People and
  therefore is far cooler and could have
  Bullitt's mum in a fight. And she avoided
  being in the porn parody thing." Here's a
  photo of her in action if you're interested.
  She's kinda hot.
http://www.effdee.demon.co.uk/tp/pics/hsuitai.htm


  * SCARY DUCK BOOK - niceonefranco chirrups,
  "Having followed last week's link regarding
  Scary Duck's new book, I was swiftly
  redirected to well-known literature-peddling
  site, Amazon. So far, so good. However,
  scrolling further down, I happened upon the
  'Customers who viewed this item also
  viewed...' section, which included: Signing
  for Dummies, Overcoming Dyslexia for Dummies &
  Mormonism for Dummies."
http://snipurl.com/scary_duck_book


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: FRIDAY GAME
  Geography test

  Think you know where your countries are? This
  Google Maps hack is testing to the point of
  making us feel stupid.
  http://www.mindpicnic.com/maps-quiz/


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * PRINT YOUR OWN WEBBY - fancy getting a bit
  of online attention and annoy all the right
  people? Why not build a 'Print Your Own Webby'
  application ? There's a blank form here.
http://snipurl.com/webbyform

  * FREE CHILDCARE - we were looking at the
  childcare bills of the micro-fuhrer - £1300
  per month! - and wondering how we could do it
  better. Our (admittedly bonkers) theory: Open
  a child modelling agency/nursery that only
  takes on pretty children. The placement is
  free, but all earnings go to the company.
  QUIDS IN!

  * PRO-CELEBRITY RICHARD HAMMOND RALLY - surely
  there's a tawdry little flash game in that?


  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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  THANKS:

  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with 
  David Stevenson.
  Top Tippery by google.
  Additional linkage and image challenge by 
  Fraser Lewry.
  Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  Word to b4ta. (Big number - smaller number)
  
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  TOP TIP:

  Clean your keyboard by putting it upside down
  on the top rack of your dishwasher. Use the
  short cycle, but don't use soap. Do not
  re-connect until completely air-dried.

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