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NEWSLETTER: "HORRID LINKS, TORRID TALES, FLORID PROSE"

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This Week:
* VID - World's Biggest Dominoes? 
* STORIES - "I hurt my rude bits" 
* FUNNY NAMES AGAIN - This one's a goatse! 

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___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       web... together"

B3ta email 237 - 14 Jul 2006

Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue237/

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: SPONSORED LINK
  Miller Genuine Draft

  Here you go, funny animations from top people
  like Joel Veitch and Hoogerbrugge. Can you
  think of a better way to spend a few minutes?
http://snipurl.com/themillerway_b3ta

  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Legs, Chimes and Kittens

  >> Bored Leg Cult <<
  Your Ginger Fuhrer was stuck in an office
  this week and, whilst waiting for someone
  to come out of a meeting, a stranger sent
  him a photo of his leg. "Odd", he thought,
  "My dad only sent me a photo of his leg
  yesterday." And lo, the most pointless
  photo cult was born. And here's the spiel:
  have you got legs? Are you bored? Join the
  Bored Leg Cult and never be bored again.
  WARNING: There's a small chance the Bored
  Leg Cult might not cure boredom.
http://www.flickr.com/groups/bored_leg_cult/pool/


  >> Big Ben strikes thirteen <<
  "CaroWallis and I made Big Ben strike thirteen,"
  boasts Curis,"and what's more we chronicled this
  for the world to see." Heh, we enjoyed this bit
  of investigative science. At nine minutes it's
  a little long though. You might want to get a
  cup of tea first.
http://caroandcuris.blogspot.com/


  >> Inappropriate kitten neutering ad <<
  It must be fun working for an ad agency in
  New Zealand, they clearly care not for the
  feelings of the public. Hence this kitty
  fiddling poster. (Thanks to NZ correspondent
  Ana Samways for spotting it.)
http://www.spareroom.co.nz/2006/07/07/spcas-bad-taste-street-campaign/


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK

  Lies I told on my CV

  Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes
  and lies into one handy place on the interweb.
  
  Last week we asked about your resume fibs:
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/liesonmycv/

  * INVENTIVE
    "I have had the pleasure of giving a job
    to one of the most inventive guys I've ever
    met. The interview went really well, we got
    on like a house on fire, and he had good
    abilities and knowledge. Amongst his many
    interesting jobs, one was simply noted as 
    'Marine Coating and Heating Technician'.
    With mental pictures of clever boat
    power-systems and oil rig designs, I asked
    for more details.  He smiled and said
    'Summer job at the local Chippy.'"
    (Humpty Dumpty was Pushed)


  * BAD LUCK
    "I occasionally have to do the technical
    interviews for people who want to come and
    work with whatever company I'm at, so I see
    a lot of CVs. Sadly, I've yet to meet a boss
    who'll take any notice of my suggestion that
    we should randomly split the pile of CVs into
    two equal piles and throw one pile in the bin
    so that: 'We don't employ any unlucky people
    by accident.' BTW: We think we heard this
    story before in the the TV show The Office.
    But hey, it's funny so we're printing it
    anyway. (Legless)
     
     
  * PORK
    "I was interviewing a bloke once and asked
    him what his weaknesses were. 'Pork Products.'
    he replied, 'and women with big arses'" Yes,
    but did he get the job? (Captain Haddock)

     
  >> This Week's Question <<

  We'd like you to tell us about hurting your
  rude bits: quims, cocks and bums, it's all
  going to be good.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/ihurtmyrudebits/

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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
    
  >> Worst theme park ever II <<
  Last week we linked up a particularly grim theme
  park in Egypt. Not to be outdone, Jack_dougherty
  informs us of this place in Japan. It's
  abandoned rather than just crap, but the photos
  have a lovely, spooky quality. TIP: Are you a
  pop video director? It would make a great place
  for a shoot.
http://home.f01.itscom.net/spiral/t_rando/t_rando1.html


  >> Loo paper advert <<
  Toilet paper adverts are often so coy about the
  product - it's for wiping up shit, not the cute
  adventures of a playful puppy. Nice to see this
  ad making a joke of all the euphemisms for taking
  a dump. How many can you get?
http://www.alittlebitrude.co.uk/


  >> Image trolling <<
  Drawball is a cute site where random punters
  can spend their time drawing on a ball - but
  the thing is, anyone else can doodle on the
  same bit of 'canvas' at the same time. Enjoyed
  this one: blokey attempts to draw a dragon
  whilst another blokey keeps adding cocks, lols
  and googly eyes.
http://best.drawball.com/1145334330


  >> Kiddie bum play <<
  OLD JOKE: "What do you call a paedophile pirate?
  Arr Kelly." Which nicely leads us to this story
  of an 8 year old boy who inserted a pirate ship
  up his arse.
http://snipurl.com/ahhhkelly


  >> Loco Roco racist? <<
  Gamers across the country have welcomed the
  release of Loco Roco. It's the first game for
  the PSP that's actually showing a bit of
  competition for the Nintendo DS. But we don't
  care about that! We care that someone is kicking
  up a negative PR stink that the game is
  perpetuating racist stereotypes. Obviously
  bollocks of course, but it hasn't stopped loads
  of people linking to it. Heh.
http://snipurl.com/locorocoracist


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO

  >> House of dominoes <<
  Remember Blue Peter in the 80s? If they weren't
  starring in porn, dying of AIDS or having
  bastard children, the presenters were reporting
  on 'the biggest dominoes ever.' Respect to these
  chaps who go one louder by using CD cases,
  lighters and VHS cassettes, all carefully
  positioned around the house. This is art,
  motherfucker.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tL6E7R4IbCM
  

  >> Ham slapping <<
  Oh to be a pretty young lady. Whatever you do,
  if you film yourself you'll have an audience.
  Especially if you slap yourself with ham and
  stick gooseberries on your head.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gvOYf0Fb_go


  >> Kodak goatse <<
  Our first goatse of the week is this fine
  re-edit of a Kodak commercial. Simple gag and
  pleasing to watch. Depending on how 'pleasing'
  you find goatse, of course.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FZ1uOVb_43I


  >> Misheard lyrics part 47 <<
  Being old cunts we care not a jot for
  contemporary pop music, and so you might
  think a misheard lyric for metalcorers (thank
  you Wikipedia) Trivium wouldn't tickle our
  pickle. However, it's the stupidity of the
  words that appeals to us. All together now,
  "Boat! Rudder! Lime!"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GNLDLyeepVs


  >> Something else from that Rejected bloke <<
  Keen webtwats will remember Don Hertzfeldt's
  fantastic 'Rejected' animation. We've only
  just noticed this other one featuring a very
  evil balloon. Reminds us of Albert Lamorisse's
  1955 short, The Red Balloon. But nastier.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=QcdQZ8MV5BY


  >> Japanese toilet training video <<
  Complete with a half-naked tiger toddler,
  shit with a human face and a catchy tune.
  It's the anthropomorphisation of poo that
  bugs us. Wrong, wrong, wrong. Wrong.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KGbewHT7zKU

  
  >> Yay for Germans <<
  At risk of turning into a version of Tarrant
  on TV with bad jpeg artefacts, here's our
  second amusing advert of the week. Nice
  little gag so yay for that.
http://www.bestadsontv.com/ad_details.php?id=1479


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: FUNNY NAME CORNER 
  Goaste, a joke that keeps on giving

  "Recently I was doing some research for
  work and stumbled upon a horrid domain name,"
  burbles sarahmeharg, "I bet their web designers
  had quite a giggle over this one!" It took us
  a second to get this. To spell it out for the
  slow people at the back, Go ATC = goatse.
  Amused us anyway.
http://www.goatc.com


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: FRIDAY GAME
  Memory thingie

  Can you remember all the spots? We couldn't
  because we're thick and dribble quite a lot.
http://www.robotubegames.com/games/zyrx.swf


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Future Of Reality TV Challenge

Last week we asked you to show us the Reality TV 
shows clogging up next year's schedules. You did 
just that. 

  Your favourites included:
 
  * I'M A CELIBATE, GET ME OUT OF HERE - The 
    Catholic Church has much to gain my making
    sure this congregation-attracting concept
    gets off the ground. 
    (Nitrous)

  * CAKE OR DEATH - Does exactly what it says on 
    the cake tin. 
    (Butters)

  * BLAINE ABSTAINS - We can only hope that this 
    new vehicle for the bug-eyed man of magic 
    becomes a reality.   
    (Pachey)

    All these images, and the highest as
    voted by you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/realitytv/


  >> New challenge: If Emo Ruled The World <<
  If ever a musical movement deserved to be mocked, 
  it's Emo, refuge of the desperate, the lonely,
  and the emotionally unstable. Even the bands are
  shite. So let's imagine for a moment that Emo
  rules the world, and picture the results...
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/emo/


  >> Your challenge ideas <<
  We want your image challenge ideas. Then we 
  want you to vote on the challenges suggested
  by other people. It's easy. 
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/imagechallenge/


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * ADEZ - looks like more than just us think their
    product name is foolish. Brent has been checking
    their messageboard and reports the following gems:
  
  # I'm finding it hard to get Adez. The man in my
     local shop doesn't have it. I think he might have
     it soon, though, as I saw him with another man
     not long ago. So hopefully I'll have it as well
     in a little while!

  # I love Adez! I was the first person to get Adez,
    and I loved it so much, I gave it to all my friends.
    I even gave Adez to my sister. Now, she gives Adez
    to all her friends too! 

  # I missed your promo in Southampton - can I catch
    AdeZ in any other cities in the UK?


  * HAIR/SOLDER TIP - r_taylor_85 squeals, "A few
    newsletters ago you said that if you burned
    yourself with a soldering iron and you touched
    your hair really fast, the heat would dissipate
    and leave you pain-free! Frying an egg a few
    days back, I got splashed with hot oil and
    decided now would be the best time to test that
    out. I grabbed my hair and lo and behold, no pain!
    The method works and has enriched my life." Yay.
    We're not there just for photos of kittens and
    shit jokes about cocks you know.


  * PAPER CLIP BLOKE GETS HOUSE - as reported by
    every newspaper on the planet, even the
    official B3ta dad called us up and told us
    about it.
http://snipurl.com/papercliphousewinner


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * BIGGEST SNOT-BALL IN THE WORLD - can you
    collect and roll your greenies for a month?
    How big can you make it?

  * PINT OF SPIT - how long would it take you
    to fill a pint by spitting in it? No cheating
    by drinking water and dripping it back into
    the glass.

  * CAN YOU LICK YOUR ELBOW WHILST PATTING
    YOUR HEAD? Best tried in company.

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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THANKS:

  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with 
  David Stevenson.
  Stuff sent in by mickeyjuice12, FishNChimps,
  Zoo, spunkbasket3000, emoinferno, chriswh2705,
  boldswede, bathorycountess, A-sen, smirt,
  andrea and kingjay.
  Top Tippery by googling "toothpaste tips"
  Additional linkage and image challenge by 
  Fraser Lewry.
  Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  Nods to b4ta. (109535)
  
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TOP TIP:
  A little toothpaste does an amazing job of
  removing scuffs from leather shoes.

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