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This Week:
* ANIM - Beastenders
* QUESTION - Lies you've told on your CV
* VIDEO - When Elephant Seals wake

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___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're saving the
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B3ta email 236 - 7 Jul 2006

Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue236/

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  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
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http://b3ta.com/mailus/


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Beastenders, Star Wars Tennis & Weebl game

  >> Beastenders <<
  Mutated Monty is push the cut up photoshop
  flash stuff forwards with his disturbing take
  on UK soap Eastenders. Really worth a look,
  the visual style will soon be ripped off by TV
  ads.
http://b3ta.com/links/Beastenders


  >> Star Wars Tennis <<
  "I've made Tennis on Tatooine", squeaks
  Davideo, "it's an insane mix of tennis and
  sci-fi, to coincide with the end of Wimbledon
  and all that cake." Heh, we like this, not so
  much for the clever mucking about with
  effects, but for the warm chatty nature of the
  presentation.
http://www.davideodesign.co.uk/tat.htm


  >> Mouse balancing game <<
  Young Weebl has been tackling the casual
  gaming arena, his latest idea an oddity to
  test whether you can balance the mouse
  pointer. Frustratingly hard.
http://www.weebls-stuff.com/games/Mouse+Balancing/


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Rock and Roll stories
  
  Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes
  and lies into one handy place on the interweb.
  
  Last week we asked you to tell us your rock
  and roll stories:
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/rockandrollstories/


  * NINE INCH NAILS BOLLOCK PUNCH
  During a 1991 Nine Inch Nails tour, in 1991,
  they were lined up to play Birmingham
  Goldwyns. During one song, Trent started a
  lame form of crowdsurfing. Not taking well to
  be kicked in the face, I found my assailants
  bollocks,  and dispensed a couple of sharp
  jabs to teach him a lesson. You can hear it on
  an old bootleg tape I have, as he stops
  singing and goes "OOOOF". It was about then I
  realised I'd just punched Trent Reznor in the
  bollocks. (domesticterrorist)     


  * MOBY BROKE MY TOILET
  A while back I used to interview visiting pop
  starlets for the local listings mag. This time
  it was the the turn of Moby, on his first UK
  tour and riding high in the charts with his
  monosyllabic rave anthem *Go!*. After his slot
  our born again vegan hero retired back stage,
  only to find his tiny dressing room full of
  the gak-hoovering monsters  - there was no
  chance of conducting an interview in this
  environment - so back to my place he came. In
  morning, he behaved oddly, refusing to touch
  toast because *there may be something in the
  bread*... apparently orange juice and muesli
  were fine. He then disappeared to the loo,
  after which I was to give him a lift to his
  train. He was gone for some time. Eventually I
  decided to see if he was OK. Just as I was
  about to knock on the door, he rushed out,
  muttering he was ready to go. In the car he
  was very quiet. After dropping him at the
  station, I returned home & noticed a puddle
  under the toilet door. A glance inside was all
  it took! The floor was soaked! The cistern
  handle was hanging off, paper strewn over the
  floor and in the bowl nestled a single,
  perfect popstar turd. I washed it away with a
  bucket of water. The repairs cost me £40.
  (auawsha)

  * There's also a good story about Oliver Reed
  from Mr Evian which is too long to print here.


  >> This Week's Question <<

  We'd like you to tell us about fibbing on your
  CVs. Talk to us here:
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/liesonmycv/

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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Electrocute the man <<
  This chap is raising money through the medium
  of painful of agonising electric shocks. He's
  wearing a dog training collar and you can
  choose to shock him (or not) and advertise
  through the website. He's doing it all for
  charity - animal welfare, although we think
  Amnesty International would be a better choice.
http://shocktheman.com/


  >> Dave Chappelle conspiracy <<
  In 2004 Dave Chappelle was a wildly successful
  TV comedian at the peak of his stardom. Within
  a year, his career had gone to shit. How could
  this be? Bill Cosby and Oprah Winfrey
  conspiring with Louis Farrakhan? Apparently so
  - read on:
http://www.chappelletheory.com/index.html


  >> Theme park desolation <<
  Possibly the worst theme park we've ever seen,
  check out these shot's of Egypt's 'Fantazy
  Land'. With so many rides lying around in
  rusting chunks, drifts of sand and the fact
  there doesn't seem to have been another living
  soul there - rather Mad Max.
http://www.themeparkreview.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=24518


  >> Jet-powered Beetle <<
  A bog-standard Volkswagen Beetle, except that
  it has a 6-foot jet engine sticking proud from
  the boot like an angry robot cock. Apparently,
  it's street-legal in California. Largely
  because the city fathers failed to foresee
  that anyone would want to do such a
  frantically dangerous thing to their little
  runabout.
http://www.ourlighterside.com/stuff/engineer/


  >> Dust art Mona Lisa <<
  There's something about a dusty car or van
  that's just begging for someone to scratch
  'clean me' on it. Scott Wade's car gets dusty
  on such a frequent basis that he's been forced
  to elaborate to prevent boredom setting in.
  Check out his baroque renderings: 
http://snipurl.com/wshmywfewasthisdirty


  >> "I was assaulted by this man" <<
  Earning the coveted title of 'photo flickr is
  most likely to remove' is this picture of a
  guy who allegedly assaulted the photographer,
  claiming to be a cop. Who is he really? that's
  what they're asking. Slightly scary, liked the
  off-ball comments people added to the pic.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/thomashawk/161990986/


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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
  Otters, Dolphins & Dogs
 
  >> Otterly great! <<
  Two baby little otters, they're so cute, maybe
  when they'll grow up they'll marry each other.
  Unless one is a evil one-legged otter who
  just wants to get her paws on his royalties. 
http://www.censuur.com/weblog/babyottersomg.jpg


  >> Dolphin loves Mr Woofy <<
  This looks like some sort of therapy for
  retarded dogs - making them swim with
  dolphins. Actually, if humans swim with
  dolphins, dogs should probably swim with
  seals. Handicapped cats would probably rate a
  sea-otter and so on. 
http://snipurl.com/puppylove


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Typing crap into Youtube so you don't have to

  Our YouTube addiction has been slightly curbed
  this week as we bought a Nintendo DS Lite
  complete with the Brain Training game that's
  been advertised heavily on TV recently. It's
  shite, but it comes with a 100 or so Sudoku
  games that have been melting our brain. We've
  been going to sleep we've been mumbling '2 3 7
  9', not good, don't do it kids.

  >> The Smiths on Kids TV <<
  Loving this clip of Morrissey and Marr on a
  bus with a load of spoddy kids, "Where are we
  going? We're going mad!" - a visit to Kew
  Gardens where they bump into Sandie Shaw. 
http://b3ta.com/links/Kids_Tv_in_a_parallel_universe


  >> Gay deprogramming <<
  Some believe that you can stop being gay with
  a bit of counselling. Sounds unlikely to us,
  especially after watching this clip where you
  can't help but think the guy is just mental.
http://movies.crooksandliars.com/PZ-cohen.mov

 
  >> Harry the Hamster <<
  Shortcut to comedy lesson 1: Make something
  small and cute express filthy thoughts.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5pcdNVkUxN0


  >> Star Wars: A New Pope <<
  Adam 'Adam & Joe' Buxton has re-voiced some
  footage of the Pope John Paul II's funeral and
  turned it into a fantastic send-up of some of
  the more pompous aspects of the recent Star
  Wars movies. BTW: We once clocked Adam Buxton
  at a party, he now owns a sinister beard and
  is as round as a barrel. No surprise he's
  keeping his face off the camera.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=cQ9sJVJMiYM


  >> Hallucinate without acid <<
  If you haven't seen one of these things before
  (and we have in, oooh, the mid 90s), you're in
  for a tiny, tiny treat. Stare at the visuals
  for 30 seconds and then look at your hand.
  It's like taking LSD but without the fun
  giggling part.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vzSRVgF501M


  >> Elephant seal <<
  Ever wondered what it's like to wake a
  sleeping elephant seal? The internet is your
  friend my son.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IOpN_JrAD5w


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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
  We're too depressed to write a headline

  >> Adez = AIDS? <<
  We had much amusement a while back with the
  70s diet product Ayds, and on a similar tip
  Thomasmhall writes,"My daily wait at Camden
  Town tube station was made somewhat brighter
  today by an advert for a new soya-based fruit
  drink called AdeZ. Surely they must have
  thought of the different ways this could be
  pronounced before they embarked on a
  multi-million pound marketing campaign." We
  also like the oxymoronic tag-line, 'a new way
  to stay strong.'
http://adez.com/

  
  >> Fiddle Kids! <<
  Say you were going to start a summer camp for
  children who play the violin? What would you
  call it?
http://www.fiddlekids.com/


  >> Brown Stars <<
  "I saw these crisps in the newsagents next to
  work," boasts Bimble, "I know it really says
  'Prawn Stars' but it looks almost like 'Brown
  Stars'" Heh - and the tag-line 'put your tongue
  through the red mill' is simply disgusting.
http://www.snacks.co.uk/grab_02.html


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Brits In Space Challenge

  Last week we focused on the British space
  race. With another doomed mission to Mars
  planned, we wanted to know how this one would
  fail...

  Your favourites included:
 
  * TESCO TARDIS - Much like the ill-fated
  Beagle project, this is another budget effort
  that won't have NASA running scared. (Pachey)

  * TEA AND CRUMPETS - Disaster strikes as the
  UK space team realise they've left some vital
  supplies back on Earth. (prodigy69)

  * BLUE PETER - Frighteningly realistic
  portrayal of the UK's state-of-the-art space
  programme. (fegg)

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/britsinspace/


  >> New challenge: The Future Of Reality TV <<
  Every year reality TV gets more and more
  extreme, whether it's the Big  Brother freak
  show or z-listers pleasuring farm animals for
  a few column inches. But what does the future
  of Reality TV hold? Show us what will be in
  next year's schedules...
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/realitytv/


  >> Your challenge ideas <<
  We want your image challenge ideas. Then we 
  want you to vote on the challenges suggested
  by other people. It's easy. 
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/imagechallenge/


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?

  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * GOOGLE THINKS WE'RE NAZIS - so says
  cybersquatter and they sent us this screengrab
  of ads google put on last week's newsletter.
  We have to admit that it doesn't look good for
  us... 
http://www.flirtbymail.co.uk/images/google-ads.jpg


  * OPENING COCONUTS - cheesebread's favourite
  method "is to put the coconut inside two or
  three supermarket plastic bags, tie the
  handles securely then throw it at the
  pavement. Works a treat." We should add that a
  similar trick works well if you're an
  impoverished student with no tin opener...


  * PLEASE STOP WITH THE HITLER CATS - We've
  seen it and, yes, we liked it too. Thanks.


  * HUFF THE HEDGEHOG - Poor old Huff, who we
  featured in 'Things that make you go ahh' last
  month, sadly died this week.
http://www.triagonal.co.uk/Hedgepig/


  * PERMANENT MARKER - "The easiest way to get
  rid of the marks on a whiteboard," confides
  Hamish Bowden, "is just to write over the top
  with a non-permanent marker and then use the
  eraser. Amazingly, it will come off!"


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * IWILLSTRIPOFFFORAMILLION.COM - the
  inevitable conclusion of these pay for pixel
  websites. BTW: this is probably going to work
  better with a pretty lady than a dorky bloke. 
  
  * INNUENDO BAND NAMES - we can think of Velvet
  Underground (quim), Pearl Jam and 10CC
  (spunk), what others are there?
  
  * A BUCKET THAT LAUGHS AT OUR JOKES

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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-------------------------------------------------

  THANKS:
  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
  David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by
  superhyperspastic, nealzx6, luvtub, bob.frost,
  Felchman, richard, pluke, drdavej, majoringram
  & carmencat. Additional linkage and image
  challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is
  QOTW bloke. Rock salutes to b4ta. (109425)
  
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  TOP TIP: FINGERPRINTS - If you've accidentally
  left a great, greasy paw-print on a glass
  screen or on your specs, you can wipe it off
  with your knuckle. "It's not as oily as your
  fingertip and will lift off the residue
  without smearing," confides joefish.

-------------------------------------------------

: SPONSORED LINK
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  slave - do something you love.  Chinwag Jobs -
  now with added monkeys. Your boss fears us!"
http://jobs.chinwag.com/p/b3ta_jul07?a_aid=cwj

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