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NEWSLETTER: "MAKING PAUL DANIELS PARANOID, EVERY FRIDAY, FOR FIVE YEARS"

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This Week:
* SHEDS - Best home improvement ever
* STALKING - Paul Daniels on eBay 
* CHALLENGE - Tom Cruise, please don't sue us

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       web... together"

B3ta email 231 - 2 Jun 2006

Read this issue in your browser:
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: SPONSORED LINK
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  – Top Gun, A-Team, Care Bears, Rocky. Last time
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http://www.truffleshuffle.com


  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
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http://b3ta.com/mailus/


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Sheds, Flickbooks and Stickmen

  >> Sheds of Destiny <<
  Wilco runs a site where readers can send in
  pics of their sheds for the delight of other
  men. One of his shed-heads has transformed his
  garden man-cabin into an opulent Roman temple,
  complete with flaming torch. "It's the best
  shed I have seen in a long time," says Wilco
  "and I have seen a few in my time." We can
  think of no finer place to hide from the wife,
  reading Razzle and drinking potato wine.
http://www.readersheds.co.uk/readersheds/share.cfm?SHARESHED=667


  >> Flickbook shit <<
  Flick books were what webtards used in the
  days before Al Gore invented the animated gif.
  This website where you can make your own
  rudimentary animations has been storming round
  lately. B3ta reader P3te has produced a
  particularly fine sequence of a man shitting
  from a great height.
http://www.thepartybasket.co.uk/flipbook/flip.pte.html


  >> Stick figure quiz <<
  Matazone is a clever chap, coming up with a
  quiz where the crapness of the art is actually
  a feature. See if you can guess the film or
  whatever from the faintest of visual cues. Or
  submit your own. We liked this a lot, but the
  problem we had was that about 80% of the
  questions are easy/gettable, while the rest
  are some obscure scene from Sailor Moon and
  you'll never ever guess it. Bah.
http://www.stickscene.com/


-------------------------------------------------

: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Never meet your heroes

  We wanted to know which of your heroes had
  disappointed you in real life:
http://b3ta.com/questions/nevermeetyourheroes/

  A good deal of your stories were about people
  who actually turned out to be quite nice, but
  here are three that let you down and once case
  of extreme stalking that made us laugh:

  * Voice of an angel. "I was once in the
  Cardiff Bay area with a girlfriend when my
  lady pointed at the flats behind us,
  "Charlotte Church lives there." I spent the
  next fifteen minutes shouting at the top of my
  voice, "Charlotte Church! Charlotte Church." I
  didn't get bored. I did not waver. I stood and
  shouted it, always at the same volume, same
  octave... over and over again. "Charlotte
  Church... Charlotte Church." It was like a
  monotonous car alarm just sounding out the
  name Charlotte Church. It became my mantra. I
  don't even think I was fully aware that I was
  saying it anymore. It was just dripping out of
  my mouth, like a Welsh named syrup, Charlotte
  Church... continually falling out of my mouth
  and sounding throughout the bay area. Well
  eventually a net curtain pulls back, and who
  should hang themselves out of the window but
  the Welsh wonder herself, wearing nothing but
  a bathrobe, last night's make-up and a
  cigarette on her lips... "What!!! What the
  fuck do you want?" She says, in her lyrical
  Welsh voice. And I didn't know. I didn't know
  what I wanted. Why was I shouting for her?
  "Erm... nothing. I just wondered if you were
  in." (I'm a schmuck)

  * Hawking "Stephen Hawking - mind size of a
  planet, complete twunt though: wouldn't sign my
  book." (alz0r)

  * I was tricked by PJ And Duncan. "When I was
  little I thought PJ And Duncan (now Ant and
  Dec) were great. I went to see them in
  pantomime at Lewisham, and was bought up on
  stage for the audience-participation part. Me,
  and two MUCH OLDER children, were given
  musical instruments. I had a squeezey-horn
  thing. We had to "play" them in order to make
  a song. Only my one wouldn't play, and I was
  terrified. 100s of people watching me and
  laughing. This went on for AT LEAST AN HOUR.
  Once the laughing had died down, DUNCAN took
  my musical instrument and squeezed it and
  low-and-behold it worked perfectly (in fact a
  man in the soundbox had pressed a button).
  They gave it back to me, still didn't work,
  they took it back, it worked, they gave it to
  me, AND I FUCKING CRIED AT THEM. All I
  remember now is crying, a giant goodie bag,
  and a life-long loathing of Ant and fucking
  Dec." (stevierar)

  * Don't look at the hard drive "My mate Jon is
  a copper and met his boyhood hero when he had
  to arrest Gary Glitter after the now infamous
  PC World incident. He doesn't want to be in
  Gary's gang any more." (weebear1974)


  >> This Week's Question <<

  We want the bits you are missing. With photo
  evidence if possible. Go here, and laugh at
  others misfortune:
http://b3ta.com/questions/missingbodyparts/


-------------------------------------------------

: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.

  >> Stalking Paul Daniels <<
  UK magician Paul Daniels is an ill-tempered
  demi-midget with an aptitude for sleight of
  hand. He's also an eBay user. Someone has
  stumbled on his ID and this blog details, in
  painstaking detail, all of Mr. Daniels's eBay
  doings. Has Daniels got a stalker or is it
  someone just having a laugh?
http://www.pdet.blogspot.com/


  >> Harry Enfield's IMDB picture <<
  It's really rather odd. Can they imagine
  that's how he really looks?
http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0256960/
  
  
  >> Desktop warfare <<
  Learn how to create projectile-launching
  weaponry from just the stuff you find lying
  around in your office stationary cupboard.
  It's the sheer lethality that's admirable here
  - the photo of a Coke can transfixed by a
  high-velocity pencil gives you the idea that,
  while you could get fired for this, at least
  you'd be able to fight off the security guards
  trying to escort you from the premises.
http://www.officeguns.com/gunadv_super_maul.html


  >> Child's toilet costume <<
  Parents looking to emotionally scar their
  offspring for life could perhaps consider
  sending them trick or treating in this
  sartorial depiction of a commode. The treat is
  a stranger shitting on their chest.
http://www.anytimecostumes.com/costumes/02189163.html


  >> Jesus pan <<
  Ebay's full of auctions for Jesus' face
  'miraculously' appearing on a variety of
  foodstuffs. Just get one of these pans with
  the messiah's face on the bottom and you've
  got a production line to instant riches. If
  the people who made this were serious about
  cashing in, they would make on with The Hoff's
  face on. That's David Hasselhoff, btw, not
  Dustin Hoffman - not so popular.
http://jesuspan.com/


  >> Stupid frat boy business ideas <<
  They're the business plans made by naive
  college grads and this guy pours scorn on
  their utter foolishness. Quite a long read,
  but we enjoyed it partly because it made our
  apathy seem somehow wise. The comments with
  comebacks from entrepreneurs are also worth a
  glance. 
http://snipurl.com/lickmywelshpenismumm


  >> Zombie Wedding <<
  How to spoil your wedding for your parents and
  in-laws; get everybody to dress as the living
  dead. The twin coffins for the bride and groom
  are a nice touch. The group photo is
  impressive - worth noting who didn't come as a
  corpse.
http://snipurl.com/mummyyourpenissmells


  >> Transparent butterflies <<
  The Glasswing is a Central American butterfly
  with see-through membranes in its wings. It's
  oddly beautiful but rarely seen in the wild.
  That would be because, as mentioned above,
  it's mostly transparent.
http://snipurl.com/ojrx


  >> Creme Egg omelette <<
  To celebrate Lordi's recent Eurovision
  success, these guys made an extravagant
  omelette made of Cadbury's Creme Eggs. Dear
  God, it looks vile.
http://www.thegdp.net/2006/05/24/creme-egg-omelette/


  >> Free Friday Thing <<
  Back when we launched B3ta, our bitterest
  rival was lengthy satire newsletter The Friday
  Thing. Luckily, they were only available to
  people who paid. Now they've made so much
  money from shonky web/book tie-ins (including
  ours coming soon) that they can afford to give
  it away for free. They just want your email
  address.
http://www.thefridayproject.co.uk/tft/subscribe/


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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
  Cancer scare hedgehog
  
  Huff the hedgepig's owners have been keeping a
  photojournal of the spiny little chap since
  2002, when he was the size of a conker. After
  a recent health scare he's back on his feet
  and cute as ever.
http://www.triagonal.co.uk/Hedgepig/Huff2002.html


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Raping your bandwidth with our meaty-cucumbers

  >> Kitten vs Laptop <<
  We've spent many an hour arguing about the new
  Apple laptops at B3ta Towers. Are they shiny
  enough? Can we get one in pink? But like most
  important decisions in our life, we leave it
  for the kittens to decide. SPOILER: The kitten
  loves them. 
http://snipurl.com/r98q


  >> Hitler kid <<
  A little boy dresses up as Hitler and
  interviews passers-by "What is wrong with the
  youth of today?" Great stuff - really sharp.
  It's a segment from Wonder Shozen, an MTV
  series we'd very much like to see over here.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xqgmTfrYvlc


  >> The best paper plane <<
  It's a five-minute video of someone making a
  paper aeroplane and (spoiler) he doesn't even
  fly it at the end. But it's still good - the
  plane he shows you how to make is one of those
  sophisticated two-part jobbies that look ace.
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=2768368762284821227


  >> 50 Cent v. Thomas the Tank Engine <<
  There's something quite satisfying about
  watching Fiddy and his hip-hop entourage
  cavorting to the merrily twee sounds of the
  classic children's show theme. The irony is
  that Thomas the Tank Engine's lawyers are
  probably more litigious than 50 Cent's, so
  catch this while you can.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R5gVhXszrGY


-------------------------------------------------

: FUNNY NAME CORNER
  Serial killer special

  >> Dr Shipman's surgery <<
  The American doctor seems blissfully unaware
  of his infamous UK namesake. Phrases like "He
  treats each patient with the same unhurried
  concern as he would want for his family" had
  us sniggering.
http://shipmaninc.com/dr.html

  Other murderers include:

  * Hindley Children's Centre
http://snipurl.com/myrahindley

  * Brady's Toys and Banks
http://www.mechanicalbanks.com/


  >> Bonus otherage - free! gratis! <<

  * Brent Council own-goal acronym:
http://snipurl.com/iloveyourshat

  * Pete Doherty's favorite website?
http://www.scag.com/locator/


-------------------------------------------------

: WHEN DESIGNERS TURN BAD
  Shed trauma

  Some web designers put extra invisible text on
  the pages they make so as to fool search
  engines into making them more popular. If you
  click and drag on Merseyside Sheds website you
  can see it has the normal 'sheds', 'bespoke'
  and that kind of thing. Then someone very
  angry has also added, invisibly to most
  visitors; "DAVID WAH IS A COCCAINE SNIFFING
  DIRTY COCKLE PICKER HE LOST ELLIE AND IT ALL
  WENT TO COCK ELLIE RAN OFF WITH THE BUILDER
  SUCKING COCK FOR CASH WHATS NEW KEV STEVO WE
  TOLD YOU IT WOULD BE YOUR TURN TO BE SHAFTED
  AND YOU WERE WELL AND TRULY NO PROSPECTS FOR
  YOU KIDDA BANG GOES THE INHERETANCE." Seems a
  little harsh for a site about sheds.
http://www.mdsheds.co.uk/


-------------------------------------------------

: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the L33t Challenge

  Last week we wanted to know what life would be
  like if animals were l33t, familiar with the
  secret ways of the web.

  Our favourites included:

  * BIRD MIGARATION - in which a flock of birds
  get impressively geeky on yo ass (Ad7)

  * WTF - in which the World Wilflife Fund
  reveal a dramatic new logo (Droog)

  * RSS FEED - Fact: Sheep + RSS = Web 3.0
  (collapsibletank)

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/l33t/


  >> New challenge: If Tom Cruise Were God <<
  Can you imagine what life would be like if Tom
  Cruise was in charge? Pretty odd, we think.
  Cruise fact primer: Tom is a Scientologist,
  and NOT AT ALL GAY.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/tomcruise/


  >> Your challenge ideas <<
  We want your image challenge ideas. Then we 
  want you to vote on the challenges suggested
  by other people. It's easy. 
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/imagechallenge/


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * SQUIRREL UPDATE REQUEST - "Any chance,"
  bellows Tony, "of an update in the newsletter
  on that guy who rescued a squirrel and had it
  as a pet? Has it been flushed down the bog
  yet? is it being kept in a cage rocking back
  and forth cos it's gone mental? Inquiring
  cynical minds need to know! I'll probably be
  disappointed in a happy ending." So, Hairy
  Midget - what's the news?
http://www.b3ta.com/links/13427/


  * EBAY REVENGE - Last week we featured
  Spikytom's revenge against a bloke who sold
  him a dodgy laptop. This week: 'Police
  Investigate Hate Website'. Ah well, if they
  were serious about it they would have shut him
  down.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/london/5030814.stm

  
  * HISCOX RESPONDS - last week we pointed out
  that this insurance firm has a rude name. B
  Gower got in touch with them to ask if they
  had any plans to change their name "to avoid
  the usual crop of sniggering innuendo." The
  response?

    "Subject: RE: Hiscox.com enquiry

    Dear Sirs

    Thank you for contacting Hiscox.

    Although we appreciate your feedback we have
    no immediate plans to review our name or
    logo.

    The name is very well known within the
    insurance market and we do not  want to lose
    the brand associations we have built up over
    several decades. We our proud that Hiscox
    has grown from a small family business and
    our Chairman is still a founding member -
    Robert Hiscox.

    Yours sincerely, Victoria Sutton"

  BTW: Note the "We our proud that Hiscox has
  grown" line...

-------------------------------------------------

: FRIDAY GAME
  Dragon's Lair made by cheese-tards
  
  Old cunts will remember Dragon's Lair from the
  Arcades in the 80s. It featured 'real cartoon
  graphics' via a 'laserdisk'. The downside
  being that the gameplay was crap. Our man here
  has remade the experience, but with really
  perfunctory visuals and somehow, it's utterly
  great. Or so annoyingly tricky that we started
  giggling anyway.
http://www.studiohunty.com/dungeon/


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * TESTING X-RAY CAMERAS - can a large breasted
  science lady do some photo experiments with
  this?
http://www.kaya-optics.com/products/experiments.shtml

  * MAKE OUR INTERNET DREAMS COME TRUE start a
  'Jim'll Fix It' style site where punters can
  make suggestions like 'I'd like my own sex
  cult' and you make it happen. Film it, sell
  the TV rights, and indeed profit.
  
  * PROCRASTINATION FIXING MACHINE - as per
  usual we've left writing the newsletter to the
  last minute. Hold on, actually what we need
  are slaves.

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


-------------------------------------------------

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-------------------------------------------------

THANKS:

  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
  David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Wormulus,
  Dave Gorman, Restoration Dept, pgm28, hahn,
  oodles, sinisterduck, rhcpaul, megalowho, i'm
  a 2@, grubbymits, Frankie Pigeon, Streki,
  asims taintedlove_1979, dan, djfrankiepigeon
  Additional linkage and image challenge by
  Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. You
  said you  loved me or were you just being
  kind? Or am I losing my mind? Nuff respec to
  b4ta. (109032 - 35319)
  
-------------------------------------------------

: TOP TIP 
  Section ballooning like Freddie's AIDS mushroom

  >> Sneezing controversy continues <<

  * "Thinking about the back of your neck as
  hard as you can - imagine you're having an
  out-of-body experience - I know what your
  thinking - complete bollocks - but it does
  work." (p togneri)

  * Or alternatively "Why an earth would you not
  want to sneeze? Surely it is more irritating
  to 'miss' a sneeze? If so, look at a bright
  light, like a light bulb, or the sun, which
  produces sneezes every-time." (beddoes)

  * Whereas "Hiccups can be stopped purely by
  mind over matter - all the old tricks like
  drinking from the other side of a glass are
  just difficult to perform and force you to
  think about something other than hiccups,
  which is why they work. Which makes me wonder
  - can you do it with sneezing too?.
  (Electrichamster)

  >> Tips not about sneezing <<
 
  * "Use an old credit card to scrape away dried
  on food from work surfaces, pans and anywhere
  else it might fall." (expiry_date)

  * "Think you might get caught short needing a
  pee when driving on the motor-way? Take an
  empty fabric conditioner bottle with you to
  relieve yourself in. They have a wide neck
  which prevents a bad aim, a decent volume so
  no over-flowing, and the best bit is the
  lovely fabric-softener smell covers up the
  stench of piss. Perfect!" (Alice - yes, a
  woman)

  * Beat condensation while you're trying to
  shave. Try putting a tiny bit of soap some bog
  roll, add a drop of water and give the mirror
  a quick rub.  Viola!  Your mirror will
  magically repel steam for up to a week!
  (chaaars)

  * Bored of not being able to hear your friends
  in nightclubs.  Do you get deafened when they
  talk right into your ear to make themselves
  heard? (Kazza)

  Keeping them coming:
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


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http://jobs.chinwag.com/p/b3ta_jun02?a_aid=cwj

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