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NEWSLETTER: "NO WANKING IN THE SHOWERS"

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This Week:
* TOY - Swap your drawings with others
* COKE - How much does your MP love it?
* PASTA SHAPES QUIZ - Can you tell what they are?

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       web... together"

B3ta email 216 - 17 Feb 2006

Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue216/

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-------------------------------------------------

: SPONSORED LINK
  See New Mobile Photography Competition

  For your last chance to WIN FREE flights, the
  latest Nokia N90 with 2MP Carl Zeiss lens and
  a commercial photo shoot experience with a
  renowned photographer.

  To participate just submit images you have taken
  with your camera phone. Competition closes
  at 28th Feb.
http://www.seenew.com/


  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #1
  Drawings, Coke v Pepsi, Dukes of Hazard & Blair

  >> Sketch swap <<
  Simple, sweet idea - draw a little picture, press
  the button and you get to see someone else's
  drawing, while yours gets shown to another
  contributor later. Maybe you get a crudely-drawn
  cock, maybe a little masterpiece. Simple, as we
  said, but rather addictive. Kudos to Philipp
  Lenssen and partner-in-crime Dominik Schmid.
http://www.sketchswap.com


  >> MPs' Coke habits revealed! <<
  If you've ever wondered whether your Member of
  Parliament prefers Coca Cola or Pepsi, then
  perhaps Psythor's informal survey will prove
  enlightening. Interestingly, eight out of ten
  MPs who expressed a preference said they liked
  Coke the best - making the House of Commons
  a staunch stronghold of the best-selling brown
  beverage.
http://jamesomalley.co.uk/blog/?p=190


  >> Mosaicing the General Lee <<
  James Ford needs your help. "I'm trying to
  replicate the General Lee, using thousands of
  toy cars and an old Ford Capri - so I'm taking
  donations of toy cars from the generous public."
  It's an interesting effect he's got going on:
  from a distance reminiscent of the Pointillist
  masters, such as Georges Seurat; get close up
  and it looks like a big fuck-off traffic jam.
http://www.generalcarbuncle.com


  >> Tony Blair the Euro Snail <<
  "Here you go :¬)" says Andy Foulds. And well
  he might - he's made a strange, snail-like Tony
  Blair as one of those freaky-looking Flash things
  that follow your mouse. In this case he's following
  a little letter E - see how far you can make his
  eyes bulge out. 
http://www.andyfoulds.co.uk/experiments/snail_blair.htm


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: SPONSORED LINK
  England are ready, are you?

  Get 6 nations fan training here
http://snipurl.com/englandvideo


-------------------------------------------------

: QUESTION OF THE WEEK 1
  Google Ruined My Life

  We asked if your computer's web cache had ever
  revealed more than you wished.
  
  Standing out proudly from all the people who'd
  discovered their parents' porn collections
  was Naive Amoeba's list of search terms his
  12 year old nephew had used. Why he needed to
  Google "Maggie Simpson with bum out" and
  "coming out poo" is keeping us awake at night:
http://b3ta.com/questions/googleruinedmylife/


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: SITES IN BRIEF 
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.

  >> No wanking in the showers <<
  "This is a message from the Estates Department
  at Durham University", informs Quin Parker,
  "regarding showers in one of the colleges."
  Heh. Reminds us of being students and finding
  one of our flatmates was crapping in the shower.
  All because the toilet was blocked - the dirty
  bastard.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/59


  >> Tom Baker says <<
  Flurble writes - "As you perhaps know, one-time
  Doctor Who Tom Baker now reads the SMS messages
  if you're daft enough to txt to a BT landline.
  This site was made by a friend of mine, and
  in my not-so-humble opinion, is a work of pure
  genius." Heh. We particularly enjoyed Tom reading
  the movie quotes.
http://www.tombakersays.co.uk/


  >> Flying pig experiment <<
  Odd little photo story here. No idea if it's 
  true of not. It's certainly mental and worth
  a look.
http://snipurl.com/flyingpigs


  >> Sonic the Hedgehog: on the piano <<
  Remember that link that did the rounds of 
  a blind-folded Asian bloke playing Mario
  on the piano. This guy has taken the same idea
  but used the music to Sonic instead. Loving it
  because we'd forgotten how much we liked the
  tune. And musical Asians give us the horn.
http://b3ta.com/links/400


  >> Google maps fun <<
  We've all seen Google Earth by now, their
  fantastic site where you can zoom in on most
  bits of the planet via satellite photos. The
  recent has been people finding oddities,
  we've seen buildings shaped like swastikas,
  strange black squares in Russia which some
  believe to be evidence of evil conspiracy and
  even shots of Area 51, where NASA keeps all
  their secret alien technology. Our favourite
  this week is a photo that TheCastrator calls,
  "Genius! A big 'FUCK' in a field. And what
  looks like "EDDIE", but that's not nearly
  as naughty." Actually. There's an idea for
  marketing people here. Make a huge landmass
  mural to your product and wait for the
  satellites to photograph it. Your message
  will be seen by millions.
http://snipurl.com/mfbb


  >> "Fuck the shit" <<
  Catchy song; satisfying lyric; way, way Not
  Safe For Work. We don't know who these repulsive
  eighties-style rockers are, but they exude a strange
  fascination on our fragile minds.
http://www.break.com/index/fucktheshit.html


  >> Evil dad <<
  Some bloke videoed his son falling for the
  'Scary maze flash game' screamer. You do have
  to wonder what kind of father would traumatise
  his children that way - couldn't help but laugh
  though. And then felt very very guilty.
http://b3ta.com/links/272


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: FILTHY MARKETING OF THE WEEK
  Weinerwhistle
  
  Blow through the hole in the end of your little
  sausage, moving your fingers to modulate the
  sound. Look at the diagrams. It's so screamingly
  phallic they had to have known. Surely. Whatever,
  it's not selling us hot dog sausages.
http://www.kraftfoods.com/om/bn/c_Games/games_Whistle.htm


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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #2
  Cuteness, Pasta quiz, Toilet eBay, joke machine

  >> The tale of Plob <<
  "I made this!" cries Strawberry Dragon. It's the
  story of a nice man named Plob who lived a long
  time ago and wrote a special book. And if that
  sounds familiar, well, it's all in your head we're
  sure. Cute, childlike drawings and a charmingly
  simple story make this a winner.
http://www.strawberrydragon.com/junk/story.html

  
  >> 'Name that pasta' quiz <<
  We've all been tempted by the lure of novelty
  pasta. But you always know you're going to be
  disappointed by the contents' lack of even
  vague resemblance to anything pictured on
  the tin. Fuelled by such disappointments,
  Monkeon has made this surprisingly challenging
  quiz. Can you tell what the pasta is supposed
  to be?
http://www.monkeon.co.uk/pasta


  >> "Buy my supersonic toilet" <<
  We've featured quite a lot of peculiar eBay auctions,
  so why not one more? Billfredo is selling a "totally
  awesome Concorde crapper", which is to say, one of
  toilets that used to equip the bathrooms of the
  famed faster-than-sound jet cruiser. Enjoy the man's
  write-up - he's an unashamed punster.
http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=8259823556
 

  >> Random offensive joke generator <<
  'What's the difference between acne and a
  pedophile?' and the leper says 'An erection'
  It's not so much that the random 'jokes' made
  by Gilgamesh's generator are hilariously funny.
  More that they are quite likely to offend all
  kinds of people. Grand.
http://kineticnorth.com/RandomJoke/


-------------------------------------------------

: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
  Double pup special

  >> Puppy monorail <<
  We've got an architect friend and if there's one
  word we can say to wind him up, it's 'monorail'.
  Apparently they're 'follies, a waste of money,
  and a really shit form of transport that
  inexplicably everyone thinks are cool." Wonder
  what he'll make of this puppy monorail? Suspect
  a stiff letter of complaint to the Design Council.
http://www.monorails.org/tMspages/PuppyMover.html


  >> Yorkshire terrier pups <<
  Check out these four-day-old doggy babies.
  They're like furry little beanbags with
  tiny paws and tails.
http://www.rnicrosoft.co.uk/pups/


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK 2
  Accidentally Erotic

  Ever found yourself aroused in the wrong
  situation? It seems that it's mostly a bloke
  problem, if only because they find it much
  harder to cover up.
http://b3ta.com/questions/accidentallyerotic/ 

  Here's three blokes coming to terms with
  themselves:

  * Accidental erection
  "I am an invalid and damn proud of it. I can't
  move or feel anything beneath my head. A month
  after I broke my neck, I had just woken up
  from coma and the sexiest nurse in the whole
  hospital was going to give me a sponge bath.
  Needless to say my body reacts without my
  permission and accomplishes a nice erection.
  The nurse is really happy and shouts out
  "Hooray, at least you can move something,
  aren't you happy!?!" I was not happy...(gremme) 
     
  * White Goods
  "I had a roommate I was absolutely in love with,
  a beautiful petite blonde girl. Sadly, my other
  roommate was her boyfriend. Anyway, I was reading
  one night when I heard a thumping. I started
  listening closer, turned on. I'm not sure
  exactly when I realized it was the washing
  machine imbalanced. It's so very sad to have
  been aroused by an inanimate object." (mikebaja)
     
  * Reassuring Hugs of Embarrassment
  "For some reason, whenever I give a female person
  in distress a comforting hug, I always get the
  horn. I don't know whether it's the touching or
  their vulnerability, but I've mastered the art
  of hugging with only the top half of my body so
  as not to accidentally prod them..." (Plyck)


  >> This Week's Question <<

  Were you exploited as a child, paid peanuts to
  deliver papers, clean chimneys, sell your body?
  Talk to us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/childlabour/


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the 'Switching Movie Directors'
  Challenge

  Last week we wanted to see what would happen
  if you put movie directors in charge of films
  entirely unsuited to  their style.

  Our favourites included:
 
  * KILL BEAKER - Jim Henson doing Tarantino
    is  something that cries out to be made.
    Especially in   the real world. (stefd)

  * LION - Brilliantly imagined, nicely subtle 
    advert for a Luc Besson classic remade in
    the style  of Disney. (The Figurative
    Pineapple)

  * E.T. - More French cinema stylee as
    Jean-Luc Goddard  deconstructs one of
    Spielberg's finer moments.
    (jim_eureka)

    All these images, and the highest as
    voted by you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/moviedirectors/



  >> New challenge: Offensive in 5K <<
  Geeks used to compete against each other to
  produce websites using less than 5k of data.
  Now we want  images produced to the same
  guidelines - less than  5k - but they must
  be as offensive as possible. Extra points for
  NOT using text, i.e. writing 'cunt' in
  flashing letters isn't going to impress us
  much.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/offensivein5k/


  >> Your challenge ideas <<
  We'd like you to suggest a challenge, and
  vote on the ideas suggested by others.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/imagechallenge/


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * JOEL'S CAT HAS GOT KNEES - "Regarding the
    latest newsletter," begins heartshapedbox.
    "I'm a second year vet student and I would
    like to let you know that cats do have
    knees! Well, it's called a stifle, but it's
    the exact same structure as our knees, and
    on their hind-leg, kneecaps and all!" Huzzah
    for Science!
    
  * WINNER OR SINNER NOT IN SYDNEY - the photo
    we linked to last week of the Oxford Street
    Winner or Sinner guy's Antipodean jaunt was
    actually taken outside Flinders Street
    Station - nowhere near Sydney at all. Thanks
    Rosalita for setting us right. We are
    duly chastened.
    
    
-------------------------------------------------

: FRIDAY GAME
  Obsessive-Compulsive game
  
  Straightening cutlery and cleaning up messes
  are very much the order of the day in this 
  multi-level game based on mentally-ill TV
  detective Monk. And surprisingly satisfying
  it all is too. Perhaps enough that we might
  give the housework a quick spin after this.
  Perhaps not though.
http://snipurl.com/monkgame


-------------------------------------------------

: SPOTTED!
  B3ta in 'News of the World'

  As you all know, the b3ta website has a band
  of photoshoppers who enjoy making pictures,
  some of them even get emailed round the world
  and end-up in the papers. Maybe we should start
  cataloging when this happens? Here goes.
http://www.b3ta.com/board/5649571


  Seen a B3ta image in the papers? Tell us,
  using internet magic.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * PEOPLE TO STOP EMAILING IN - when they type
    a few words from 'start in next week's issue'
    into Google and find something vaguely
    similar from years ago. Gah, you cheeky
    monkeys. 

  * INTERNET FAIRIES TO MAKE BANDWIDTH FREE -
    YouTube, Google Video and Flickr are great
    for sharing your videos and photos, and
    crucially being able to hotlink them from
    inside your own sides, but what about MP3s
    and flash stuff etc? Yeah there's some
    smallish hosting sites, but we want a big
    player with oodles of bandwidth.
    
  * BETTER VEGETARIAN FOOD IN POSH RESTUARANTS
    - why is it only cheapo places that server
    a reasonable selection of vegetarian food?
    Go somewhere posh and you're stuck with 
    some crap like a pepper stuffed with rice.
    Oh we are so bourgeois.

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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-------------------------------------------------

  THANKS: 

  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with 
  David Stevenson.
  Links sent in by Steef, stevemck, sorinbanu,
  j.churosh & Dobsky.
  Top Tippery by sosumi.
  Additional linkage and image challenge by 
  Fraser Lewry.
  Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  Respect to the lovely b4ta peeps.
  (107710 - 33354)
  
-------------------------------------------------

  TOP TIP:
  If you like to watch DVDs in a darkened room
  and it's hard to find the right buttons on the
  remote, put a drop from a hot glue gun on the
  ones you use most.

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