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NEWSLETTER: "WHAT CAN TURN A FRUIT INTO A VEGETABLE?"

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This Week:
* DODGY ITEM CORNER - Stuff we shouldn't link...
* SUBTITLES - CCC turns his genius to France
* COCK ROCK - Literally rock made with cock

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |     "We're sniffing your
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|      wrists... together"

B3ta email 208 - 9 Dec 2005

Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue208/

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: SPONSORED LINK
  Japanese stuff delivered... 

  J-List is a pretty cool place that sells
  everything from Japan you could want:
  * Domo-kun plush toys
  * Mona Neko Japanese T-Shirts from 2ch
    (trust us, they're cute)
  * Wacky products for adults, including Leotard
    Fetish DVDs, All Nude Ballet and more
  * Real "tabi" (ninja shoes) and "fundoshi"
    (traditional Japanese underwear)
  * Anime, JPOP and other magazine subscriptions
  * 150+ Japanese snacks with names like "Crunky"
    and "Melty Kiss"

  Please visit us now -- you've got a friend in Japan
http://www.jlist.com


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK 
  Cock rock, subtitles and cartoon portraits

  >> French film subtitle gag <<
  CCC is a b3ta newsletter legend. Among other
  things, he faked a superhero in Tonbridge Wells
  (and got it in the news) and invented a fictional
  son with the equally fictional 'wolfboy syndrome'.
  This week he has been busy with the trailer to a
  feelgood French flick and, with his magical
  subtitle stick, changed the meaning completely.
  The result? Excellence - a film about an
  irascible old Frenchman and the daughter he hates.
http://media.putfile.com/papillon_0001


  >> Penis cane <<
  A few weeks ago we requested someone make
  seaside rock with little knobs running all the
  way through it. Don't know why. Probably drunk.
  Anyway, Xxmiskatonicxx has obliged our whimsy
  with these lovely, and surprisingly recognisable,
  quality items. Almost look good enough to eat.
  Although perhaps, on reflection, you shouldn't.
http://www.livejournal.com/community/craftgrrl/7407620.html


  >> Cartoon Blur portrait tutorial <<
  Like the cover of Blur's best of album? Stuck
  for something to do and fancy a bit of a bash in
  Photoshop? Itchy Squirrel has come up with a
  tutorial to show you how to turn any photo into
  one of those snazzy Julian Opie-style cartoon
  faces. Might make a good (ie. free) Christmas
  present for a loved one.
http://www.family-portrait-artists.com/


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: SITES IN BRIEF 
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.

  >> Hot geek ladies <<
  Here's a tip for the ladies who wish to date
  geeky men: pose with some network boxes and
  the boys will come flocking. Actually, scrub
  that, the geeky boys will walk over broken glass
  if you simply show a slighest bit of interest.
  Actually, scrub that, this is just an excuse to
  show some pictures of pretty ladies to our male
  readers. (And some hot fashion tips for the
  ladies! Scrub that. etc etc.)
http://www.hwpr0n.se/


  >> Faith the limbless Christmas Dog <<
  Longer-term readers will remember Faith,
  the dog with no front legs, we featured
  many moons ago. You'll be pleased to know
  she's back and all dressed up for
  Christmas. Last time we described her as
  looking like a velocoraptor. This time
  we'll just say, "ahhh. isn't she brave
  with her angel wings and no front legs.
  so brave."
http://snipurl.com/gottahavefaith


  >> Naked dead art <<
  Pet theory time: let's say you'd taken up
  serial killing as writing about web bollocks
  didn't give you the same orgasmic high that
  it once did (for example, not us, no sire),
  and let's say you'd started blogging photos
  of your quarry, splitting them like deer
  in a hunters' lodge, would anyone even notice?
  There's so much freaky shit on the web, surely
  visitors would assume the photos of
  dismembered corpses were just some crappy art
  project? Pretty exciting build-up huh? That
  it doesn't quite match the links content of
  a bloke photoshopping himself into a series
  of slightly rubbish, but disturbingly dead
  poses, is something we'll hope you won't
  notice with our cunning writerly slight-of-hand.
http://aspectaculardeath.blogspot.com/


  >> Company songs vol. 8 <<
  Cast your minds back, newsletter readers,
  to times of yore when people emailed round
  MP3s of corporate company songs and were thus
  entertained by such balderdash and piffle. Oh
  those times are on us again and er... Right
  it's time to laugh at some Germans, who are
  probably already laughing at themselves anyway.
  BTW: The 2004 song is our favourite, remaking
  Abba's Super Trooper with some surprisingly
  ambitious harmonies. Altogether now, "it's
  the perfect place for a trade fair..."
http://www.messe-duesseldorf.de/drupa/en/sp_song_2.html


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: SPONSORED LINK
  Get respect. Shock your granny!

  Look like a tattooed hard man in moments with
  new pull on tattoo sleeves from SillyJokes. 
  They look great! The perfect gift.
http://snipurl.com/tattooyou


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: SIGNS OF THE APOCOLYPSE
  Helping Satan work in the market-place

  >> Cock knives <<
  Serial killers! Sick of stabbing young ladies
  in impotent rage and frustrated you can only
  ejaculate on the point of violence where she
  dies beneath your blade? Stab them in style
  with this ball-hilted knife, and they'll 
  never mock your performance again. Oh for fuck's
  sake. Who in this day and age can these knives be
  possibly aimed at except psychos and teenage boys
  with subscriptions to "Guns and Ammo" magazine?
http://www.interknife.co.uk/shopping/bollockdagger.html


  >> USB Slippers <<
  We have a theory that if you add the word USB to
  anything then it will immediately become one of
  these magic links that people email round and
  every blogtard links to. Let's look around the
  room and see what we can improvise into a new
  product. USB Air-freshener: keep your PC
  fresh with the deliciously clean, crisp scent of
  juicy apples; USB Cigarette Lighter: never
  be without a light again; USB Bongos: actually
  this isn't a joke, we really want some USB
  bongos to make bong-bong noises whilst we
  nerd-out. Anyway, you want a point to this 
  blurb? Right, check these Japanese USB
  slippers. We imagine they warm your feet 
  and make them toasty, but as we don't read
  Japanese, it might be a control for some
  "old lady simulator" computer game. Or a way
  of backing up your photos into your toenails.
  And that's the fun. Spend five minutes
  thinking about exactly what you'd like USB
  slippers to really do. And maybe, if you wish
  really hard, all your dreams will come true.
http://www.thanko.jp/usbslippers/index.html


  >> Fist dildo <<
  Ok, it's not too extraordinary that you can
  buy a fist-shaped dildo on the interwebs, but
  it's the context that amused us. We simply
  didn't expect to see such filth on the family
  shopping site, Amazon. Also the reviews are
  amusingly toungue-in-cheek, "I enjoy being
  punched in the vagina by normal people-hands,
  but this fist of fury trumps them all!" or
  "Some synthetic hair on the arm would have
  been nice, as well. Something Robin
  Williams-ish." or even the slightly sad
  "I would not recommend it for stroke victims
  or the elderly." Click here for your cheap
  laughs.
http://snipurl.com/kmvr


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: VIDEO SMIDEOS
  Fuck the bandwidth, Mum's on Broadband

  >> Emo song<<
  The official b3ta wife came home from the office
  the other day and said, "there's this work
  experience girl in. She's about 15 and has been 
  telling me about Emos. Apparently they're just
  rubbish goths and all the girls at school think
  they're pathetic." Watching this video, we can
  see what she means. However, very secretly we
  think if we were still 15 maybe we'd be a bit
  Emo too.
http://www.zippyvideos.com/3551143681244776/finished_emo_video/


  >> "Mah Na Mah Na (do do do do do) <<
  Oh come on. If the Emo song has left you feeling
  a bit wappy, then put on a party with this
  nostalgic hit from The Muppets. Possibly the
  most joyous bit of music ever created. BTW: We've
  just looked up the song on wikipedia and they've
  given us a little fact that we'd love to see a
  video of, "Lily Savage, aka Paul O'Grady, used to
  close her cabaret act at London's Vauxhall
  Tavern in the late 1980s with a deadpan
  rendition of 'Mah Na Mah Na', accompanied by
  sidekick Skippy the Fox."
http://www.devilducky.com/media/7452/


  >> Smart Cars <<
  Right we have two smartcar stories and we'll
  do them quick. 1: An old work-mate of ours bought
  a smart car and gave us a lift one night. We pulled
  into a petrol station and a burly bloke knocked
  on the window, "Your back window is cracked"
  "Nope" we replied turning round to check, "Soon
  will be you bunch of queers driving a poof's car
  like that." On later relating this story to a
  kindly old uncle at a wedding he got the wrong
  end of the stick and got the idea that driving
  a Smart Car is a secret code for being homosexual,
  like the hankie code in the 1970s, with softop
  meaning bottom, hardtop obviusly the Mr in the
  relationship and driving on the left-hand side
  meaning "continental breakfast." Actually
  we're completely making this up, so watch some
  vids of what happens when one of these tiny
  boxes hits concrete instead. 
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=6605730767077503480


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: SPONSORED LINK
  Pup Where We Belong

  Will working like a dog tear a family apart in
  this year’s Christmas blockbuster? Critics are
  saying: "the best (fake) movie of the year",
  and "not a dry nose in the house". Produced
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  score by Doghorse.
http://worksmart.org.uk/pup


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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
  Things that make you go ahh, ahh, ahh...
  
  >> Wombats <<
  Holy smokes! We're not entirely sure what this
  laid-back fellow actually is - although we're
  reliably informed he's a wombat.
http://www.nctexasbirds.com/australia/year2/P3220065.JPG

  >> Spiders <<
  We don't like spiders and we're not ashamed to
  admit it. If only they all looked as cute as this
  wide-eyed little fellow. Perhaps not quite as big.
http://www.flickr.com/photo_zoom.gne?id=69104521&size=l


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: DODGY ITEM CORNER 
  Stuff we like but are a bit scared to link to

  >> Wigs for kids <<
  Oh fucking hell. This is an impossible write-up,
  we're going to be pilloried for a "b3ta sinks to
  new low and laughs at kids with cancer" thing.
  But that's not why we're linking. No sir, firstly
  we're weirded out by the premise: "donate your
  hair to make wigs for kids who've lost theirs."
  Yes. Donate your hair. And secondly you might
  notice, they've named these children
  "LOL Kids" as in Locks Of Love rather than the
  popular internet acronym "Laugh Out Loud." 
  Anyway, we wish these kids a lot of luck and
  hope that many of our more hirsute readers
  donate some hairs for their brave little baldy
  heads.
http://www.locksoflove.org/gallery_recipients.php


  >> Brownies <<
  Ok, just like the wiggy cancer kids, we're now
  linking to an item that our haters will say,
  "new low for b3ta. they're peddling rascism."
  But we say, who's the real racist? The art
  director who approves a book cover for junior
  girl-guides with a young black girl on the
  cover wearing a t-shirt saying "Brownie", or
  us for pointing it out? Oh, don't hate us, black
  people, we're down with the homies, we've dancing
  to MC Hammer as we write this.
http://images-eu.amazon.com/images/P/0852602227.02.LZZZZZZZ.jpg


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  On the stage

  Last week we asked for your experiences on the
  stage. We've collected three good ones here, but
  do follow the link and read Humpty Dumpty's epic
  trombone experience - it's awesome:
http://b3ta.com/questions/onthestage/


  >> Dib dib blob <<
  I was 11 years old and one of Baden Powell's
  finest female recruits. I was starring in
  The Gang Show... I had my very first period
  on stage in front of 500 people whilst singing
  'Bare Necessities' from the Jungle Book
  dressed as a cave girl. My therapy bill is
  astronomical. (Rakky)
  
  >> Magic show <<
  When I was eight, I was dragged out of the
  audience at some bloody awful variety show at
  our village hall to help the magic act. I had
  to help hold up a curtain while the Great Wazoo's
  old and wrinkled assistant, Brenda, escaped
  from a box she had been padlocked inside. Well,
  fuck me stupid, if the old cow was only
  escaping out of a flap in the side. Nobody
  would listen to my protests at the extreme
  lack of actual magic going on, so I took it
  into my own hands to reveal the fraud going
  on in front of my very eyes. I let go of the
  curtain, to reveal a surprised looking pensioner
  in a leotard trying to crawl to safety. I
  remember the Great Wazoo's words as if they
  were yesterday: "Brenda! Get back in that
  fuckin' box!" Then: "You little bastard."
  I fled. My stage career was over." (Scaryduck)
  
 
  >> Health and Safety First <<
  My sister was in a local youth theatre group
  and one performance of "Agamemnon" sticks in
  my mind... The director was a pretentious luvvie,
  with no time for any of their opinions or ideas.
  So when he announced that the entire cast would
  be hanging off a scafold tower for part of the
  play, no one dared mention that it would only
  support a maximum of 8 people. All went well in
  rehearsals but on the morning of the opening
  night, the tower fell backwards complete with
  the now screaming actors and crashed to the
  ground. Those on the lower levels (including my
  sister) were relatively unharmed, but about half
  the cast had to be rushed to hospital with broken
  bones, concussion and serious head injuries.
  Rather than cancel, refund the money to those
  with tickets or even phone the parents of those
  who were now in casualty, he did what any hard
  labouring director would have done and pressed
  on with the performance, with about half of the
  remaining cast. It made no sense, as many scenes
  had to be cut due to lack of conscious people, 
  but the best bit was at the end where one of the
  actors had a solo speech. She walked towards the
  front of the stage, made to start her speech,
  threw up into the audience, passed out and was
  promptly rushed off to hospital to get her head
  looked at. I was the only person clapping at the
  end. (feminist sweepstakes)


  >> This Week's Question <<

  We'd like to hear about your worst (or best)
  birthdays. Talk to us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/birthdays/


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the "Oh No!" moments Challenge

  Each week we run a competition to test your
  creative skills. We set a challenge and you
  open Photoshop and mess with our heads.

  Last week we wanted you to show us great "Oh No!"
  moments from history.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/historyohno/

  We asked b3ta boarder Mr Horrible to judge the
  entries, which he did, but he didn't give us
  any words as to why he liked them so instead
  we're going write about three least favourite
  letters of the alphabet.

  Mr Horrible selected -
  
  #1 CAPSLOCK - wE oNLY pRESS tHIS bY aCCIDENT.
     It's the work of satan and should be
     banished to a lower dimension.
     (Chernobyl - Mr T)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/5403565  

  #2 INSERT KEY - Another key we press by
     accident, and then type over half the
     paragraph we've just written. Poo-ey sick.
     (Franz Ferdinand - Rico)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/5389255

  #3 ¬`¦ - Whatever the fuck that key is to the
     left of the 1 key. We don't know what it
     does and we're suspicious of it.
     (Creation - Strawberry Dragon)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/5384831  

  Right! And let that me a lesson to you Mr
  Horrible. If you don't do the write-ups we'll
  do them for you and they'll be rubbish.

  >> This Week's Challenge <<

  This week, b3ta contributor harryfreeze gave us
  the suggestion, "What we don't want for Christmas"
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/worstchristmas/


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.


  * EARWAX CANDLES - THE TRUTH. In issue 207 we
    allowed CaroWallis to claim that they work.
    It seems we may have been wrong:

    >> Don't believe CaroWallis' waxy-eared
       endorsement. Earwax candles are a rather
       simplistic trick designed to prey upon the
       guillible and stupid. Here's the scam: the
       paper itself is coated with wax. One lights
       the end of it, and as the paper burns, the
       yellow wax drips down into the candle,
       looking very much like earwax to the less
       logically-inclined. (etruatcaelum)

    >> Ear candling is hogwash and your correspondent
       CaroWallis must be simple.  The wax visible in
       an ear candle after burning is generated by
       the candle itself. These New Age auropyric
       gimcracks are only for the clinically thick.
       (Elba Goodey)

    >> Surely, if such magical suction could be
       obtained from a candle, someone would have
       invented blowjob candles by now? (wingnutkj)

    >> They are utter crap. And more likely to give
       you a burn rather than clear any wax. I say
       this in my professional capacity - I am and
       Ear, Nose and Throat surgeon. Warmed olive
       oil drops work far better. Or, if you want
       to be really clever, 5% Sodium Bicarbonate
       solution, which is better than any of the
       crap they sell in Boots. (Mr Stephen O'Hanlon
       MBBChir(cantab) MRCS DOHNS, Clinical research
       in ENT surgery, Imperial College, London)

    >> Me and a few mates were convinced to try it
       by some hippie girl. I was so determined to
       prove her wrong that I ate the wax from
       everyone else's candle. Everyone I know
       knows what ear wax tastes like, and if you
       say you don't you're a liar. This stuff did
       not taste like ear wax. (Danimal)
 
     Further reading here:
http://www.straightdope.com/classics/a5_098.html


  * MONKEY Vs APES CONTINUES as if anyone cares.
    We are instructed that "If one disregards New
    World monkeys (such as tarsiers) from the
    equation, the best way to tell the difference
    between monkeys and apes is to look at the
    number of cusps in their molars. Apes (including
    humans) have 5 cusps, whereas monkeys have 4."
    Warning: Bitey, scratchy beasts may object to
    poking about in their mouths.


  * HOW DO YOU GET A GRANNY TO SHOUT 'C*NT? is what
    we asked at the start of last week's newsletter.
    emmakane wrote to tell us that "My nan, aged 82,
    is prone to shouting, 'You're going too fast
    you cunt!" if she happens to be in a car and
    the driver dares to go over 20 mph. Just thought
    I'd share." Thanks, Emma.


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * VIBRATOR HOVER-BOARD - someone sent a link
    in earlier for a Bluetooth vibrator, i.e.
    you send a text message to this egg thing
    and, assuming it's been desposited up your
    wife's mimsy, then she'll get an exciting
    buzz. But but but! It costs £200, which is 
    fucking fortune, and by our reckoning would
    buy 50 x £3.99 cheapo vibrators, which you
    could nail to a plank of wood and attempt
    to air-surf like Marty McFly in Back to 
    the Future II. Oh go on. Can someone please
    do this? It would look funny.

  * SIR CLIVE SINCLAIR RAP - noticed this eBay
    auction where a rapper was offering his
    services to make a track dissing your mates.
    Sadly, the auction has run out now, but sniff
    around eBay and find something similar and
    ask them to create a rap attack from Sir
    Clive on Sir Alan Sugar. Key phrases should
    be "48k, AK 47", there's probably some way
    of shoe-horning "colour clash" into something
    about race wars. The whole thing should break
    down into a version of William Blake's Jerusalem,
    "And did those feet in ancient time, walk
    upon England's mountains green?" Because, Sir
    Alan, Clive is going to get messianic on
    your 8-bit ass.
http://snipurl.com/rappywoo  

   * CONTACT AD PHOTOSHOPPING - stick your boss's
     head on a sexeee body in a contact magazine.
     Film his reaction on being shown. Or go and
     meet all the people who contact him/her
     whilst wearing a photocopy of their head
     over your own face. Have sex with them.
     Keep quiet about it. It can be our secret.

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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-------------------------------------------------

  THANKS: 

  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with 
  David Stevenson.
  Links sent in by oh fuck it's 2pm, we'll stick
  them in next week we promise.
  Top Tippery by google.
  Additional linkage and image challenge by 
  Fraser Lewry.
  Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  Proofing by the hangin' b4ta homekeys.
  Answer to question: AIDS.
  (106257 - 31055)
  
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  TOP TIP:
  Buy two pairs of shoes if you discover a model
  that is working well for you.

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