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NEWSLETTER: ISSUE 168: "YOUR ADVERT. ON OUR NEWSLETTERY TITS."

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This Week:
* EBAY B3TA - Buy 50 words in next week's issue
* WEEBL - Magical Trevor II
* COCKS - Customise your iPod with a penis

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       web... together"

B3ta email 168 - 4 Feb 2005

Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue168/

       Subscribe:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
         Unsub:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
 
-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Magic, Ants, Ducks, Cat, iPod cock

  >> Magical Trevor II <<
  Cast your mind back to the golden days of 2004,
  Kilroy was a nationally-respected figure, cigs
  still costs less than £5 for a packet, and Jonti
  released Magical Trevor. We sang along, we
  started fan groups, and generally wanted to
  hump Jonti's leg. And now? We've got the sequel.
  So are we talking Wrath of Khan good or Matrix
  Reloaded bad? Watch and find out.
http://www.weebls-stuff.com/toons/55/


  >> Ant blog <<
  Ants are shit. They're only good for one
  thing: stamping on. Oh, and making little
  ant prisons out of circles of soap. Or is
  that just us? Anyway, Thundercat has some
  sort of space-age ant farm and has been
  photographing their smug, orange antics.
http://www.ants.simonharbour.com/


  >> Sinister ducks <<
  Comic book scribe Alan Moore is famed for his
  luxuriant beard and his Watchmen series. Not
  so well-known is his 1983 musical recording,
  featuring members of dodgy goth rockers Bauhaus,
  The March of the Sinister Ducks. The
  confusingly-named pippyisatruck and techieRob
  have set it to some visuals. We suspect this
  bit of nonsense will be following Alan until
  the day he dies.
http://pip.rubberfeet.org/stuff/ducks.html


  >> Cat biopic <<
  "My cat is very talented indeed." proclaims
  snailobsession, "Today, I followed her around
  with a camera to see what she would do and made
  a flash movie of the results." Woo. We're
  utterly charmed. What a nice little bit of
  work.
http://snipurl.com/ck6p


  >> iPod Cock-O-Meter hack <<
  Penises are great and we can't get enough off
  them. iPods, on the other hand, are sorely
  lacking in the knob department. To remedy this
  situation B3ta boarder Give To Ian got out his
  magic haxx0r wand and gayed things up a bit.
  If you're an iPod owner, this comes with
  instructions on how to make your poncey
  toy equally well-endowed.
http://five.bandwich.org/archives/000044.html


-------------------------------------------------

: BUY 50 WORDS IN NEXT WEEK'S NEWSLETTER
  Selling our newsletter soul on eBay

  Whilst we were compiling this week's newsletter,
  someone sent us one of those crappy "buy an
  advert on my tits" eBay auctions.

  We thought, "Hold on. We could do that..."
 
  So, do you wish to send a message to a loved
  one on Valentine's Day? Are you a rich
  advertising agency who wants to promote your
  brand? Or maybe you'd just like to say, "B3ta
  are sell-out cunts, I hate them" and force us
  to print your words?

  Fifty words. Including a web link. Whoever
  bids the most cash gets it.
http://snipurl.com/cj1i


-------------------------------------------------

: DADDY, YOU'RE NOT A DENTIST
  it's funny names corner

  * LARS VADJINA - multimedia developer.

  * FANNY FUKS - dead Belgian in Brussels
    cemetery.

  * DREW PEARCE (droopy arse) -  one-time TV
    producer for dotcomedy.


-------------------------------------------------

: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Songs whose words you changed

  Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes and
  lies into one handy place on the interweb.
 
  Last week we wanted the rude versions of songs
  that you used to sing at school. It degenerated
  somewhat into a "misheard lyrics" festival.
http://b3ta.com/questions/songs/

  Here's some excerpts:
 
  * "And then I saw her face - it was like a
    retriever's... "  From The Monkees'
    'I'm a Believer' (coco)
     
  * "My gran gets lonely and often bursts into
    song - she's tone deaf, can't carry a tune in
    a bucket and can never remember the words to
    songs. Musicals are her favourite source of
    inspiration, such as "Oklahoma, O K L M N O P Q"
    (ellen smellen)
     
  * "In The Bath by Lemon Jelly uses the sample,
    'What do you do in the bath?' To which my
    mate immediately answered in a broad Bristolian
    accent, 'generally I soaps meself up and 'as
    a wank.' Now, every time I hear the song, a
    horrible image looms unbidden into my poor
    head. The bastard." (sittingduck)


  >> This Week's Question <<

  We'd like you to show us your scars. Tell us their
  sordid history here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/scars/


-------------------------------------------------

: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.

  >> Spunky back tattoo <<
  Heh. This bloke has tattooed spunking mer-men
  on his back. Now that might be all well and
  good down the leather bar, but what if you
  wanted to go swimming? Surely mums are going
  to complain to the staff?
http://members.iinet.net.au/~tiki/temp/backpiece4nz.jpg


  >> Pink Floyd - Bike <<
  Huge fans of Syd Barrett at B3ta Towers. If
  you're not familiar with his life story, then
  Google him. His descent from leader of top
  psyche-rockers Pink Floyd to babbling nutter,
  living with his mum in Cambridge, is a modern
  parable of fame. If we opened a rock school,
  these would be the lessons we'd teach. Anyway,
  we're loving this spazzy visual to one of his
  finest tracks: Bike. It fits the childish vibe
  perfectly.
http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/bike.php


  >> Album cover rip-offs <<
  Apparently this collection of album art
  heavily influenced by others' has been
  doing the web rounds for over two years.
  Maybe we're getting slow in our old age,
  but we spent a happy afternoon checking
  them all out. Just a shame the pictures
  are quite so small.
http://www.knockoffproject.com/


  >> Woollen catsuit man <<
  "I was looking for a catsuit today", purrs
  Caroline, "lamenting the high costs involved
  in purchasing said item. 'Why not make my
  own?' I thought and was intrigued by the
  possibility of this knitted offering."
  Blimey Caroline, if you look as hot as this
  lovely chappy, send us your photo now.
http://www.woolknits.com/ModelPages/Catsuit.htm
 

  >> MSPaint geeky DNS cartoon <<
  Right. Fucked if we're going to explain
  DNS to you lot. If you don't know, you're
  not going to enjoy this even with two
  lines of finely-wrought copy. But you'll
  be missing out. This is comedy, my friends,
  this is fucking comedy.
http://brain.cx/DNS-HOWTO/index.html


  >> Read other people's secrets <<
  "I believe that my dead grandmother watches me
  with great disappointment every time I
  masturbate." Enough about us. Read other people's
  deepest, darkest secrets, that they're only
  prepared to confess online. Fascinating, compelling
  stuff.
http://postsecret.blogspot.com/


  >> Badly-drawn porn <<
  We like our laughs cheap, and we like them
  mucky. This idiot-savant collection of badly
  drawn sexual thoughts had us making snot
  bubbles. Our favourites include the jail rape
  and dolphins. Come to think of it, no
  change there.
http://hysteria.sk/sd/drawings/


  >> Pathetic motorways <<
  Like all the best people, we can't drive, and
  hence have spent less time on motorways than we
  have dribbling on strangers on public transport.
  Didn't stop us enjoying this collection of
  "pathetic motorways", an anal list, compiled by
  enthusiastic drivers, of the most rubbish roads
  in the UK. Linky goes to the UK's shortest motorway,
  that appears to be the length of a bridge. Dunno.
  Kinda made us laugh. Doesn't really have the
  grandeur you'd expect.
http://pathetic.org.uk/motorways/A635M.htm


  >> DIY Moobs <<
  Back in the day, we shied from the word
  'moobs', fearful our readers wouldn't understand,
  preferring such clunksome phrases as boy-tits,
  or he-breasts. Since then we've seen the moob
  sweep the nation like a huge brush of nork
  blubber. But we digress, this guide to using
  sellotape to create the impression of masculine
  tittage made us smirk.
http://www.ehacked.com/front_page/articles/how_to_get_man_boobs/


  >> Pretty goth lady swallows razor <<
  "A female magician I know", boasts davidsimon,
  "has made this video of her twist on the old
  'swallowing the razorblades' trick." Blimey.
  To be honest, we found this a bit disturbing.
  Trick or not, this girl has issues.
http://www.myfilestash.com/userfiles/davidsimon/Suicide_mono.wmv


  >> "My first erection" <<
  On the surface, this video clip is just two
  charming ladies getting their baps out at a
  car show, or something like that. But what makes
  it priceless is the actions of the young lad
  in the background who is clearly getting some
  strange stirrings he's never experienced
  before now and is trying desperately to hide
  it! NSFW.
http://snipurl.com/ck5n


-------------------------------------------------

: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
  TV kitten, attack hedgehog and baby ducks

  * KITTEN - Possibly the cute picture to end
    all cute pictures. Little kitten sitting up
    late, watching telly. Aww. He thinks he's
    people...
http://www.b3ta.com/board/4227946
    
  * HEDGEHOG - an easy recipe for cuteness -
    tiny, harmless creature, viciously on the
    offensive. Like this glove-hating hedge pig.
http://www.triagonal.co.uk/Hedgepig/IMG_3329.JPG
    
  * DUCKS - about the house. Just imagine it;
    the pitter-patter of tiny flippers. Lovely.
http://www.elizaduck.com/ducks.htm

  BTW: What's the cutest thing you've seen on
  the web recently? Tell us.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/


-------------------------------------------------

: HEADLINE WATCH
  Because sub-editors are funny

  CLINTON ACCUSED OF SHIRT-LIFTING - during the
  Lewinsky saga, Glasgow local paper covers
  Pollockshields local's arrest for stealing
  shirts from Oxfam.

  TOILET DOORS SET TO CLOSE - ad boards for
  Tonbridge Focus.
 
  HORSE FRIGHTENED TO DEATH BY FIREWORK - Brighton
  Evening Argus.
 
  BUS MISTAKEN FOR CAR - Brighton Evening Argus
 
  Anything good in your local papers? Tell us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


-------------------------------------------------

: HUMAN ZOO
  S Club 7 Tattoo bloke

  Jon Norris writes -

  "A chap on my uni course has all of S-Club 7's
  signatures tattooed on his chest.

  "He's a bit odd, and was three people away from
  going into the Big Brother house last year.
http://www.durfctour.co.uk/Cornwallhouse/images/barry1.jpg
http://www.durfctour.co.uk/Cornwallhouse/images/barry2.jpg
http://www.durfctour.co.uk/Cornwallhouse/images/barry3.jpg
http://www.durfctour.co.uk/Cornwallhouse/images/barry4.jpg

  "And for a coursework submission he handed in a
  completely eye-raping website with some great
  stalker-grade stuff about Hannah from S Club."
http://www.kingsbridgekrays.co.uk/barrytemp/home.html

  Blimey. If anyone from Endemol is reading this,
  then SORT IT OUT. We want this man on BB6 this
  summer.


-------------------------------------------------

: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from 'ducks' Challenge

  Each week we run a competition to test your
  creative skills. We set a challenge and you
  open Photoshop and mess with our heads.

  Last week we wanted you simply to Photoshop
  ducks.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/duckinghell/

  We asked B3ta boarder Carlospresents to judge
  the entries - here are his 3 faves.

  Carlospresents writes -

  #1 "Duck 2 Duck' - I think this competition had
    way too many puns involved, so it was a breath
    of fresh air to see this Viz style smut rear
    it's head! Word of warning though, Don't ring
    any of those numbers 'cos they're not real.
    (badhorsey)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/4208667


  #2 "What They Really Mean - It's short, sharp,
    simple and effective. I live near a Town
    called Burnley and I can honestly testify
    that all the ducks in that town shout this at
    you when you walk past...as well as scrounging
    10p for a bus journey.And wearing Burberry
    tracksuits. And getting pregnant at 13. And
    fighting in Tesco. But anyways....
    (whatsinaname)
http://b3ta.com/board/4204203


  #3 "Chin Strap  - He's cold, cynical and uncaring.
    He knows what he wants and he knows how to get
    it. Watch him bleat. Then quack. Then kill.
    (Donkey Gums)
http://b3ta.com/board/4204571


  Can I get get a special mention? For IndieSinger?
  Cos it's funny?
http://www.b3ta.com/board/4215822


  >> This Week's Challenge <<

  This week, B3ta contributor Zak McFlimby gave us
  the suggestion, "Goggles of Truth".
http://b3ta.com/challenge/goggles/


-------------------------------------------------

: RACIST FILMS
  A semi-definitive list
 
  IMDB is a wonderful site. You can spend your
  afternoon typing in racially-dubious language
  and get post-PC giggles about what turns up.

  Here's some films you won't be seeing repeated
  on Channel 4.

  * A Coon Cake Walk (1897)
  * Hallow-e'en in Coon-Town (1897)
  * The Mail-Man in Coon-Town (1900)
  * A Nigger in the Woodpile (1904)
  * The Wooing and Wedding of a Coon (1905)
  * The Nigger (1915)
  * Mr. Coon (1917)
  * Catching a Coon (1921)
  * Ten Little Niggers (1945)
  * Baldwin's Nigger (1968)
  * Boss Nigger (1975)
  * Nigger Lover (1976)
  * Legend of Nigger Charley (1972)
  * The Soul of Nigger Charley (1973)
  * Run Nigger Run (1974)
  * The Six Thousand Dollar Nigger (1980)
  * Niggers from Outer Space (1992)

  Blimey. Now that's a list Kilroy could get
  his teeth into.


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * SPACKER SPECS IN MAG - a few weeks ago
    we mentioned Grandma of Shoes' lovely
    collection of pictures of his friends
    wearing stupid glasses. They reached
    UK 'tits and dead people' magazine Bizarre.
    We only mention it 'cause Grandma was pissed
    he didn't get a credit. So we're doing it
    for him.
http://img151.exs.cx/img151/3200/shoes3nw.jpg


  * CELEBRITY DINNER CLUB EXPOSED - we linked
    a site offering an opportunity to get
    crappy Z-listers round for dinner. This
    ended up all over the papers, the
    most interesting mention being on the
    Guardian. Turns out it was a joke, But
    the lovely lady who thought it up is
    now thinking of doing it for real.
    (Scroll down to Stargazing - Hasbeens
    on toast).
http://www.guardian.co.uk/g2/story/0,3604,1402814,00.html


  * FOOTBALL PRESENTER NIGEL SPACKMAN - "I work
    at Sky Sports," giggles mcmuff, "His nickname
    is 'Spackers'. When he's live on telly and the
    director tellS a cameraman to get closer to
    Spackers, I crack up."


-------------------------------------------------

: FRIDAY GAME
  Notepad Invaders

  Defend your note book against evil aliens
  from Planet Biro. Rob and Dave made this
  little hand-drawn Space Invaders game and
  right pretty it looks too.
http://robmanuel.blogspot.com/2005/02/notepad-invaders.html


-------------------------------------------------

: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * SLICED BREAD WITHOUT CRUSTS - c'mon
    supermarkets, you'd clean up with this.
    80% of the little people inside our heads
    said crusts make them suspicious.

  * MORE BLOGGERS SACKED - their moaning
    makes us giggle. You know who you are.

  * AN IDEA GENERATOR - this bit of the
    newsletter is really tricky to write,
    as if we do have a really good idea, why
    should be throw it away?

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


-------------------------------------------------

  Subscribe:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
  Unsubscribe:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

-------------------------------------------------

  THANKS:

  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
  David Stevenson.
  Links sent in by nash0819, 100% Kitten, Sean,
  isthisyou? lankygingerfool
  Top Tippery by Rob.
  Racism by the_unforgiven04.
  Additional linkage by Fraser Lewry.
  Board research by Fnord.
  Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  Image challenge handled by Mystery Bob.
  Proofing by b404ta. (76637)
 
-------------------------------------------------

  TOP TIP:
  SMOKERS! When buying your shopping online, throw
  in a couple of packets of Amber Leaf. It's a
  nasty smoke, so there's always some left when
  you run out of fags at 3 in the morning.

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