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NEWSLETTER: ISSUE 164: "EDIBLE FREAKS"

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This Week:
* ANIM - U2 misheard lyrics
* VID - Explosives in Canada
* GAME - Twang Your Dog 

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____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       web... together"

B3ta email 164 - 7 Jan 2004

Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue164/

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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK 
  U2, Explosives and Guessing Machines

  >> Misheard lyrics are back <<
  "I've filled my ears with cotton wool", bellows
  Rob Manuel, "and I could swear I hear U2 singing
  about my favourite English city." You're right,
  Rob, it's true. We're never going to hear this
  song the same way again.
http://robmanuel.blogspot.com/2005/01/u2-vertigo.html


  >> Explosive fun <<
  It's dull in Canada. That's the only
  conclusion we can draw from this little
  escapade. Jonny C writes, "We bought two
  cans of butane and wanted to make them
  explode. So, basically, we threw them into
  a fire." Yep. That would work.
http://members.shaw.ca/indifferentmedia/files/ButaneZilla-low.wmv


  >> TV character guessing machine <<
  "The computer asks you a series of questions,"
  burbles Elliott "and tries to guess which film
  or TV character you are pretending to be." Fun
  to play around with for a while and it learns
  as it goes, so it's harder and harder to stump.
http://guess.priceshout.com/


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: SHIT IN MY EYE
  ...it's Funny Names Corner

  We try to kill it, but it keeps coming back.
  He's a teacher, which makes an funny name better.
  Say hello to Mr. Ural. Or, as it's written in the
  teacher phonebook: Ural, Gaye.
http://www.teacherreview.com/professors.asp?classID=6882


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: GEEKS OF THE WEEK

  >> Monumental Houses of Cards <<
  These architectural landmarks made out of
  painstakingly layered playing cards will take
  your breath away. We wish we had that kind of
  hand-eye co-ordination, but all the wanking
  has shattered our nerves.
http://www.cardstacker.com/gallery.html


  >> Vodka filter experiment <<
  Get one of those pointless water filters for
  Christmas? Here's a real use for it. These chaps
  put nearly two litres of crappy, cheap vodka
  through one and then held a tasting session
  to see how smooth they could get it. That's our
  kind of dedication to science.
http://www.ohmygoditburns.com/wordpress/index.php?p=4


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: SEX TIPS FOR B3TARDS
  Utility gag
  
  This stylish fetish mask/gag comes with a handy
  mouth attachment for a variety of dusters,
  brushes and serving trays, so you can keep your
  sex life spicy without falling behind on the
  housework. Buy one for your gimp on the go.
http://www.scottpaulpresents.com/humiliator.html


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: SITES IN BRIEF #1
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.

  >> Winner megamix <<
  Death Wish director Michael Winner is
  probably better-known in the UK for a
  series of car insurance endorsements.
  So cultishly popular are they that they've
  inspired this rather special dance tribute.
http://stuff.skuzzle.com/video/calmdowndear.wmv


  >> Edible freaks <<
  A fantastic collection of peculiarly anomalous
  foodstuffs. Our favourites are the satanic
  breakfast cereal and the tragically deformed M&M.
http://www.hanttula.com/exhibits/freakyfood/index.htm


  >> Screen cleaning <<
  Eyes smarting after a hard day staring at the
  computer screen? That's because it's dirty
  from the internet and wants a good clean.
  This must be the fluffiest way to make it all
  alright again.
http://www.clean-your-screen-for-free-now.com


  >> Odd celebrity art <<
  Who would imagine eighties popster Nick Beggs
  of Kajagoogoo would be ekeing out his funds
  by flogging paintings of phone boxes on eBay?
  And you can buy one too. That's not the sort
  of thing you expect to find going through the
  Where Are They Now? file.
http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=3772521876


  >> Deer through windscreen <<
  Gore. Lots of gore. That's basically the result
  when you hit a deer with your car. Eurgh. This
  is the kind of scene that makes vegetarians feel
  all smug and superior.
http://www.pbnation.com/showthread.php?s=&threadid=777869


  >> Celebrity duckalike <<
  We were browsing through a catalogue of
  celebrity-themed bath toys (as one does), when
  we were struck by this one. It's supposed to
  be Moe, of Three Stooges fame, but look!
  Noel Gallagher!
http://www.markmakers.co.uk/moe.html


  >> Russian arty oddity <<
  Got a minute to spare? Watch this drawing
  twist and change in front of your very eyes.
  No idea what it's all about, mind. All
  in foreign, innit?
http://fcmx.net/vec/v.php?i=001787


  >> Beardy bondage <<
  Aiee. One look at at this photo and our
  childhood images of Captain Birdseye were
  soiled forever. Our pants too.
http://leatheroaks.org/Files/Harnessed/Dcp02153a.jpg


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Your Christmas Nightmares

  Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes and
  lies into one handy place on the interweb.
  
  Last week we asked for your Christmas nightmares.
  These all seem somewhat tame in comparison with
  what actually happened to us, but here's
  some stuff to make you laugh:
http://b3ta.com/questions/christmasnightmares/

  #1 Christmas pud anyone?
    "My Gran is of an age where bowel and brain
    control can be difficult. Last year, during
    dinner, a nasty smell and some uncomfortable
    shuffling came from across the table. After an
    earlier 'accident' my Gran, now pantless, had
    shat herself. As she stood up, pieces of brown
    goodness fell to the floor. She picked one up,
    presenting it to us all: 'Christmas pudding
    anyone?' (dogfish)
     
  #2 'Last Christmas'
    "Wham were topping the charts and the family
    bonhomie was well-nigh uncontainable. 'Sing the
    song you made up,' urged my older sisters. OK.
    Whatever possessed me I don't know, but this
    is the song I sang to that well-known tune:
    
       Last Christmas,
       Ma and Da had a fight,
       and Da called Ma
       a dirty old Pox-bottle
	 
    The masks slipped, the fight started all over
    again, and that was the year I ruined Christmas."
    (pikey)
     
  #3 Christmas Eve shopping...
    "Got locked in a shopping center till Boxing
    day. Fun." (Fentruk)


  >> This Week's Question <<

  We'd like examples of the sheer ignorance of the
  stupid. Tell us all about it here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/ignorance/


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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
  Cats and dogs special

  >> Cat basin <<
  In the B3ta Hotel, every room will be fitted 
  with hot and cold running kittens. Here's a
  demo of what the bathroom might look like:
http://img119.exs.cx/img119/5523/1693cp.jpg


  >> Poorly chihuahua <<
  What could be sweeter than a tiny dog with
  a broken leg? Pretty much nothing, that's
  what. We're off to break our legs too now,
  so we can get sympathy from all the girls.
http://www.klin.kvl.dk/images/Chihuahua.jpg


  BTW: What's the cutest thing you've seen on
  the web recently? Tell us.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Greetings Card Challenge
 
  Each week we run a competition to test your
  creative skills. We set a challenge and you
  open Photoshop and mess with our heads.
 
  Before Christmas we wanted you to make
  greetings cards for any occassion:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/greetingscards/
 
  We asked B3ta boarder 'Pitch and Toss' to judge
  the entries - here are his 3 faves.
 
  Pitch and Toss writes -
 
  #1 "Possibly the sickest entry of the entire
    lot. What evil, twisted mind could come up
    with an idea like this? This guy is definitely
    hell bound - as I will be after laughing like
    a loon. (SqueakyG)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/4066675
 
  #2 "Bus - This tipped the wink at Final
    Destination. The marvels of predictive text
    in a greetings card! And any animation that
    includes blood and guts gets my vote.
    (Hairy Midget)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/4068369
 
  #3 "Ouch - Simple, funny and true. And it has
    blood in it. Right, I'm off to North London
    armed with a knife. Bye!" (tweaknik)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/4067867
 

  Results from the Family Circus Challenge
 
  Last week we wanted you to ditch Photoshop for a
  change and take pictures of your friends, family
  and pets doing cool stuff:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/familycircus/
 
  We asked the Challenge Dictator himself to sit
  in judgement of the entries.
  
  The Challenge Dictator writes -
 
  #1 "Drunken Fun With Beer Cans - Ah yes - a
    pictoral representation of B3ta made with the
    remnants of a drunken orgy. It is so appropriate.
    (Balphaus)
http://b3ta.com/board/4094605
 
  #2 "iRobot - There is only one thing better than
    having your own personal robot to do your chores
    and that's dressing up as one. (M3Essential)
http://b3ta.com/board/4100486
 
  #3 "New Year's Eve Pyramid - Hooray, somebody
    actually did get round to making a human pyramid
    like we wanted. Well done sirs." (Chaffinch)
http://b3ta.com/board/4123002
 

  >> This Week's Challenge <<
 
  This week, B3ta contributor 'kplex' gave us
  the suggestion, "Action Grannies"
http://b3ta.com/challenge/actiongrannies/


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: FRIDAY GAME
  Twang Your Dog

  It's one of the classic game concepts: Your dog
  wants to get to the top of the world. You must
  propel him on his way, using a series of elastic
  platforms. It's quite tricky even from the start
  and you'll have to use ricochets to get past the
  spiky barriers.
http://www.toshiba.co.jp/digital/game/tobby_pachi/play.html


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * DIANA DEATHCLOCK RESURRECTION - Cafepress 
    finally got wind of our touching tribute
    in clock form and immediately banned its sale.
    Undaunted, Rob got busy with his Christmas
    crayons. The end result is, if anything, even
    more magnificent than the original.
http://www.cafepress.com/robmanuel.15999723


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * SIMPLE FUNNIES - for we have simple minds.

  * CHEAP THRILLS - what's the tackiest thing
    you've seen on the net this week?

  * SURPRISES - show us something we've never
    seen before. 

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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  THANKS: 

  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with 
  David Stevenson.
  Links sent in by Annie Brigot, NoMoreFaith,
  TooMuch2AM, Chris and Leanne, among others. 
  Top Tippery by Freddy Woo
  Additional linkage by Fraser Lewry.
  Board research by Fnord.
  Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  Image challenge handled by Mystery Bob.
  Proofing by the hefty b4ta hussars. (78038)
  
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  TOP TIP:
  If you're a speccy get and doing a spot of DIY,
  there's a simple way to keep paint off your
  shiny glasses: Cover them with cling-film. When
  all the work's done just chuck it away. Rather
  than leaving it on and wandering the streets like
  some sort of wrinkle-eyed freak.

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