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NEWSLETTER: ISSUE 151: "SICK JOKE SPECIAL"

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This Week:
* ANIM - Chicken or egg?
* FLASH CHALLENGE - Just for the fuck of it
* ADOPT - Britain's saddest pet

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       web... together"

B3ta email 151 - 17 Sep 2004

Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue151/

       Subscribe:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
         Unsub:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #1
  Chickens, Case-mods and Weebl

  >> Which came first? Chicken or the egg? <<
  We're pretty impressed with Koit in B3ta
  Towers. We used to think his songs were
  frankly a bit dodgy. But since his, "cunt cunt
  cunt fucking cunt cunt cunt" track, Koit is a
  changed man. His latest work rocks and has a
  lovely pay off.  
http://www.koit.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/chickegg.html


  >> Reverse case-mods <<
  "I'm sick and tired", groans whizzbang,
  "of case-modders taking perfectly
  good toasters and deck chairs and turning
  them into computers. So I've turned a
  database server into a bookshelf." Genius,
  and looks great too. We reckon a site like
  Thinkgeek could shift a few of these.
http://www.iol.ie/~thedeans/reversemod/index.html


  >> New Weebl, Jazz singer <<
  Jonti has turned his hand to song again,
  producing a freeform jazz episode of his
  famous toon. BTW: News on the DVDs is that
  like the MTV version, it'll be named Wobbl
  and Bob. 
http://www.weebl.jolt.co.uk/niiiiiccce.htm


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  * How do you get a gay man to shag your
    girlfriend?
    Shit in her cunt.

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: BIT TORRENT TV
  Now with bonus trend analysis

  Some marketing bloke recently emailed us and
  said, "B3ta. What are the growing trends on
  the web?"

  Hmm. Good question. We replied:

  #1 LEGAL KIDDY PORN. Photos of teenage girls
     with their clothes on.

  #2 CONSOLIDATION OF POWER. If your business
     plan doesn't involve doing the cash with
     the triumphant trio of Amazon,
     eBay or Google, well frankly, you're a
     cornershop instead of in the mall.

  #3 DOWNLOADING TELLY. Fuck the tyranny of
     scheduling, we're time-poor and tech
     rich. We want to watch the TV we want to
     watch, when we want to watch it.

  They didn't email us back so here's some
  TV we've downloaded this week.

  >> Entourage <<
  Execed by Mark Wahlberg, this HBO show takes
  us behind the scenes of a the hangers-on
  to a up-and-coming fictional Hollywood star.
  Witty, knowing and brilliantly cast 
  (Matt Damon's brother plays the bitter,
  has-been sibling of the main star), this
  is telly to tell your mates about.

  >> Worst Jobs in History <<
  One-time Blackadder star Tony Robinson
  has got the popular-history market tied
  up. Taking us from Tudor times to the
  present day, Robinson joyously romps
  through the dreadful professions people
  have endured. Watch out for Tony in drag
  being dunked in a lake, and having to
  spend 8 hours in stale human urine. We
  like our celebs humiliated. 

  >> Steptoe and son <<
  A sit-com loved by millions the world over,
  but who knew Steptoe was a 60 year old gay
  man from Ireland who drank 2 litres of
  gin a day and made regular trips to
  Hong Kong to seek the pleasures of boy
  flesh? A dirty old man and a true B3ta
  hero.

  All this stuff and more can be found via
http://www.uknova.com/
http://www.suprnova.org/


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  * What's blue and fucks grannies?
    Hypothermia

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: CRAP JINGLES
  Ten minute Flash challenge

  Regular readers will know our love of crappy
  jingles, and imagine our delight when reader
  Alex sent in an MP3 with the comment, "I work
  for a commercial radio station, and here's
  a cheesy classic."

  It's a lovely little number celebrating the
  joys of The Inn on the Green. Complete with
  show-time disco bridge.

  >> The Challenge <<

  So we decided to stick it on our board and ask
  you lot to make visuals for it. In under
  ten minutes.

  Here's the three best:

  #1 TV AD - Fnord takes some classic telly
     ads and jumbles them up to amusing effect.
http://snipurl.com/fnord

  #2 PROSSIE - Beau Bo d'Or sticks to what
     he knows about: whores.
http://www.heady.co.uk/b3ta/inn.html 

  #3 SWINGING - trust Matazone to bring an 
     element of darkness to the competition.
http://www.matazone.co.uk/animpages/innonthegreen.html 

  So well done to the winners and yay to
  everyone who took part. 


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  * What can turn a fruit into a vegetable?
    AIDS.

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: BRITAIN'S SADDEST PET
  Pirate the one-eyed cat

  It's International Pirate Day this Sunday, and
  what better way to celebrate than visiting
  Battersea Dogs Home and getting your own
  monovision moggy. He's about 7 and he's looking
  for a home.

  If you do adopt him, please remember to write
  and send us a few photos. Nothing would make
  us happier than matching b3ta people with
  mangled cats.
http://www.dogshome.org/rehome/our_cats/pirate.html


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  * What did the blind, deaf, mute boy get for
    Christmas?
    Cancer. 

-------------------------------------------------

: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Sick Jokes

  Last week we asked you to tell us your sickest
  jokes. As you might have already noticed we're
  peppering this newsletter with a handful of
  our favourites. 
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/sickjokes/


  >> This Week's Question <<

  This week we're asking you to tell us about
  the nutters that live near you.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/localnutters/


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  * What's got one ball and fucks women?
    Peter Sutcliffe's hammer.

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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.
 
  >> Crazy, crazy pigeons <<
  There's a lot more to pigeons than the manky
  one-legged flying rats that dive bomb you when
  you're out shopping. Some of these look more
  like specialist cleaning implements than birds.
http://home.iprimus.com.au/spud1/pigeon_pictures.htm


  >> Sex fags <<
  Last week we featured the bizarre Japanese
  anthropomorphic Operating System girls called
  OS-Tan. This week, it's crazed manga-style
  cigarette personifications. Click the links
  on the left-hand column for erotically-charged
  renderings of Japanese cancer-stick brands.
http://www.ctb.ne.jp/~silver-s/


  >> Buy my tree cunt <<
  Latest bizarre eBay auction: it's an astonishingly
  rude bit of a tree. Sadly, the auction is now
  closed, so it looks like we've missed the
  chance to own this particular freak of nature.
http://snipurl.com/94un


  >> Movieoke <<
  We had a real 'Why didn't we think of that?'
  moment when we heard about Movieoke: Karaoke for
  Movie Lovers. Best of all, you can try it
  in the privacy of your own home with nothing
  but a DVD player and the handy built-in subtitles.
  We can't wait to have a go at Back To The
  Future when we get home.
http://www.movieoke.net/faq.htm


  >> Vile spider bite experience <<
  The Brown Recluse spider is a nasty little
  customer. Unlike some of its more famous cousins,
  its bite probably won't kill you straight off.
  It will, however, make your very flesh rot on 
  your bones. Don't click if you're eating,
  you have been warned.
http://www.rochedalss.eq.edu.au/reclusebiteleg.htm


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  * What's Stevie Wonder's favourite colour?
    Corduroy.

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: SEX TIPS FOR B3TARDS
  Stick spice up your arse.  

  "Figging is a sexual practice involving the
  insertion of a prepared 'finger' of ginger
  root or even pepper into the anus. The
  burning sensation is said to induce intense
  pleasure."

  Forget Nullos, wanking machines and tossing
  off to photographs of dead horses, we know
  what the keen b3ta readers will be doing
  this weekend. And us too.

  Warning. This site contains porn. 
http://figging.com/


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  * How do you stop a dog from humping your leg?
    Suck it off.

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: GEEK OF THE WEEK
  Building stuff because they can

  If you're anything like us, you probably get
  a little tired of staring out of the window at
  the gasometer and railway sidings. Well fear
  not, for yet again the geeks have come to the
  rescue. These enterprising boffins use
  flat-screen monitors to change the view from
  their flat to anything they desire. And they
  get to freak their mates out with
  disaster film footage as well.
http://www.hoagy.org/virtualwindow/


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  * What's pink and smells of olives?
    Popeye's fingers.

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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
  Three fluffy bunnies in a pink toy car

  Anthropomorphism for beginners, lesson one.
  
  * Fluffy mammal. 
  * Scaled-down real world object. 
  * Ooh cute. 
http://badgas.co.uk/animals/others/others_013.jpg


  BTW: What's the cutest thing you've seen on
  the web recently? Tell us.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/


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  * What do you do after raping a blind, deaf
    and dumb girl?
    Break her fingers so she can't tell anyone.

-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #2
  B3ta dreams and a wheelchair doggy

  >> B3ta Nirvana <<
  "I made a thing", yelps davidbond, "It's the
  story of a b3tan's path to creative Nirvana."
  Blimey. This is a tribute to some of the more
  famous work on B3ta - which then wigs out to
  a strange bit. One for the fans rather than
  the casual reader.
http://www.davidbond.net/ynl/


  >> Wheelchair dog <<
  "Wotcha", hollers the fantastically named
  pippyisatruck, "Here's a little something
  I've made - hope you like it." We do.
  Especially the bit at the end where you
  can click the signs.
http://pip.rubberfeet.org/stuff/hobo.html


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  * What do you say to a woman with two black
    eyes?
    Nothing. You've told her twice already.

-------------------------------------------------
 
: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the 'Parallel Universe' Challenge
 
  Each week we run a competition to test your
  creative skills. We set a challenge and you
  open Photoshop and mess with our heads.
 
  Last week we wanted you to show us what is
  happening in alternative dimensions:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/paralleluniverse/
 
  We asked B3ta boarder 'tico24' to judge the
  entries - here are his 3 faves.
 
  tico24 writes -
 
  #1 "Mr. Blessed as we have never seen him
    before - Isn't it just great to imagine that
    somewhere out there, in a parallel universe
    far away, there is an alternative Brian Blessed,
    who just sits in a corner being silent all
    day? 'Mazing! (Chobb)
http://b3ta.com/board/3700170
 
  #2 "Nohands, Withhands - I just think this
    captured the whole essence of the compo.
    Sorry it didn't win, but in a fight between
    Brian and Nohands, Brian would win hands down,
    pun intended. (Evil Pundit)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/3701732
 
  #3 "Batman - There were many entries after the
    Batman incident at the palace, but I thought
    that this was the best. Funny and original,
    what more can I say?!
    (All The Worlds Squirrels)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/3723328
 
  "If I may be so bold as to suggest a special
  mention. There were a couple of entries like
  this but a) this was the first and b) it's
  the best.  Simple yet funny."
http://www.b3ta.com/board/3709128

 
  >> This Week's Challenge <<
  This week, The Challenge Dictator told us to
  "Photoshop Bob Ross"
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/bobross/


-------------------------------------------------

  * What's yellow and lives off dead beetles?
    Yoko Ono.

-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * BADGER WORLD DOMINATION CONTINUES - nerd
    publisher O'Reilly hosts nerd conference.
    Names all the rooms after animals.
    Pranksters replace all signs with 'Badger
    Room'. 
http://overstated.net/photos/foohack/


  * GOATSE TIME MAGAZINE COVER - looks like
    the art guys were having a laugh here. We 
    guess the publishers don't look at the
    internet much.
http://snipurl.com/90vt


  * GAY TEST SUCCESS - "Since you put my site
    in issue 141 of your lovely newsletter",
    crows Balphaus, "it has been linked to by
    literally hundreds of other sites and
    published in Loaded, Nuts and Boyz
    magazines. Woo." Yay you.
http://www.snackfoam.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/gaytest1.html


  * LAW OF THE PLAYGROUND SALES RANK -
    last week we asked you to buy Log's book.
    You raised the sales rank from 380 to 70.
    Quite impressive really. We know you'll
    enjoy the book.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/0091900301/b3ta-21

    Although a overseas reader points out
    that there's no badly-drawn cock on the
    German version. Strange really. We hear
    that the Hun love cock.
http://images-eu.amazon.com/images/P/0091900301.03.LZZZZZZZ.jpg


  * SAYING SORRY TO MALTA - "Thanx for the
    mention in the newspaper about my Maltese site",
    writes The Gatz, "but we don't really hate Malta.
    Heck I have become used to it and now I quite
    like it."


-------------------------------------------------

  * What's got 4 legs and goes 'Woof'?
    A cat doused in petrol

-------------------------------------------------

: FRIDAY GAME
  Reverse mouse maze

  Simple, addictive and very frustrating. Guide
  your mouse around a maze without touching any  
  objects.

  The catch? your mouse is reversed.

  We're kicking ourselves for not thinking of
  this ourselves. It's brilliant.
http://www.scenta.co.uk/reverse/


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  * What's black and sits at the top of the
    stairs?
    Christopher Reeves, after the fire.

-------------------------------------------------

: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include:

  * SOCIAL EXPERIMENTS - don't buy your round
    for a month and chart your relationships.

  * EXTREME ZEBRA CROSSING - paint pedestrian
    crossings on the M5. Video the carnage.

  * STEALTH RUDE KNITTING - make you gran knit
    something rude - maybe a goatse inspired
    ornament and laugh with glee and innocent
    delight when she does it.


  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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-------------------------------------------------

  THANKS: 
  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with 
  Tomsk and David Stevenson.
  Stuff sent in by Kamikaze Stoat, account88888,
  Sosumi, Arthur, emessis, beemoh, Harry,
  Carrie3372 & archie bubba.
  Special thanks to Chobb & WhoElse who moaned
  that they weren't credited the other week.
  Top Tippery by typing "tips shoes" into
  google. Send us more tips please.
  Sick jokes from supermoore, too_many_shoes,
  moomin-papa, forkboy, sven_hassel, Maddave,
  pacificprincess1, b0rderlineschiz0, carpediem,
  and Dizzy Bob loves nuts.
  Additional linkage by Fraser Lewry.
  Board research by Fnord.
  Image challenge handled by Mystery Bob.
  Proofing by the sexploding b4ta sinevitable.
  (78296)

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 * HITLER WALKS INTO THE MEETING ROOM
   and turns to his trusted staff...

   "I want you to organise the execution of
   10,000 Jews and 10,000 hedgehogs."

   Everyone looks around the table and after a
   long silence, Goering pipes up, "Mein fuhrer
   why do you want to kill 10,000 hedgehogs?"

   Hitler smiles and turns to the rest or the
   table, "You see, no one cares about the Jews."

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  TOP TIP:
  When choosing shoes to go with your formal
  frock, forget basic black and make a statement
  with coloured heels. We love pink, aqua and
  anything metallic.

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