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NEWSLETTER: ISSUE 137: "GOATSE DEATH DIVE"

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This Week:
* ANIM - Kitten on a motorbike
* GAME - Goatse sky-diving
* RADIO - Your worst mini cab experiences

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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ |
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| web... together"

B3ta email 137 - 28 May 2004

Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue137/

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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #1
  Biker kittens, 3D Squirrels, Ikea & Sky-diving

  >> Kittens on motorbikes <<
  Rob Manuel & Joel Veitch have teamed up again
  to bring you a video of a stunt kitten speeding
  round London on a motorbike. "It's the best
  thing we've ever done", enthuses Joel. Whilst
  Rob states, "I was getting bored of kittens.
  But this re-affirms my belief in kitteny flash
  goodness." Watch it.
http://www.youthofbritain.com/chillout/


  >> Squirrel band 3D <<
  We're never short for animal bands on B3ta.
  But thanks to VinylSqueakyDogtoy the genre
  is inching forward. This is a big (8mb)
  download so start it off now and look at
  the rest of the newsletter whilst you're
  waiting. It's worth it. You'll clap your
  flippers like retarded seals. It's just
  exactly that good.
http://trident.spodemedia.net/Sam/squizz.htm


  >> Weebl visits Ikea <<
  Jonti Picking has recently moved house and
  been furnishing it with the finest tables
  from Ikea. We told him to visit Argos online
  instead, but he wouldn't listen. He found the
  experience pretty appalling and has poured
  his frustrations into his art.
http://www.weebl.jolt.co.uk/pikea.htm


  >> Skydiving game <<
  "I just finished this new game," badgers
  Jamie Fuller, "Please use it in your newsletter
  so I can get hit on by rich chicks and rock
  stars." Not a problem. We're sure you'll have
  supermodels on your dick like a shish kebab.
  Oh, and it's a good little game too. You
  have to fly your man through cartoon
  Goatse clouds, all from an unusual overhead
  perspective.
http://jamiefuller.com/flash/goatse.php


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: B3TA RADIO
  Mini cabs from hell

  Each week we grab an hour on Resonance FM
  to talk crap.

  This week we're doing stories about your
  worst cab experiences.

  Our favourite tale comes this week from
  The Cobra -

  "The cabby was obviously drunk, but it was late
  and I knew my chances of getting another
  were slim, so I buckled up.

  "About a mile from my house there was a
  terrible noise, the car veered across the road
  and sparks began to fly around the car.

  "Eventually cabbie gets out to see what's
  wrong.

  "He whips his cock out and pisses on the
  damaged area. Probably believing his urine
  contained some form of magical tonic.

  "Lying in bed that night I swear I could still
  hear his gentle sobbing."

  That story and more on the site;
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/mini_cabs_from_hell/


  You can learn more about B3ta Radio and how
  to tune in here:
http://b3ta.com/features/b3taradio/


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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #2
  Arses, Pong, Margarine & Nicotine

  >> Fartmonica <<
  "I've always wondered", ponders Tom Wyatt,
  "if you could fart through a harmonica to
  make it toot." Well the answer appears
  to be no, but we got a cheap laugh
  watching him try.
http://www.archive.org/movies/details-db.php?collection=opensource_movies&collectionid=fartharmonica


  >> Pong vs. Swingball <<
  "I love swingball and pong," exclaims Monkeon,
  "but hate tennis, so I thought I'd do the
  decent thing and make swingpong." What a novel
  concept. BTW: This is a two player game so grab
  a friend and give it a go.
http://www.monkeon.co.uk/swingpong


  >> Margarine love <<
  "I think I might have a problem," confesses
  SiX, "this is how I spend my time." Fucking
  hell. Covering yourself in marg is a pretty
  stupid thing to do - but it got a laugh
  in B3ta towers.
http://snipurl.com/6q85


  >> Nicotine coffee <<
  "Have you heard of Nicowater?" enquires
  WhiteDevil, "It's bottled water that's laced
  with nicotine designed to be a quit-smoking aid.
  I don't actually smoke, so I decided to try out
  nicotine by cooking with this stuff..."
  Impressive stuff. We want to try it.
http://www.ericisgreat.com/nicowater/index.html


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.

  >> Lighter tracking <<
  If you smoke you'll know the difficulty of
  lighter ownership. Put one down for a second
  and another smoker accidentally takes it
  home with them. These guys have put tracking
  devices in them, left them in the pub, and
  used hi-tech surveillance techniques to
  find out what happens next.
http://www.traces-of-fire.org/tracing/homeranges/index.html


  >> Drumming baby <<
  One of the earliest web hits was the dancing
  baby. You remember it - it ended its odd
  little career in Ally McBeal. This clip from
  a US comedy show - complete with annoying
  studio laughter - moves the ancient idea on
  by making a baby drum to rock. We didn't want
  to like it but couldn't help ourselves.
http://www.ondmis.dk/video/drumbaby.htm


  >> Rubbish Gays <<
  Guardian editors! Need a new columnist for
  your ever-swelling Saturday edition?
  We've found just the chap. He's a gay bloke
  who hates gays. Just the antidote we need
  to TV's current "gay men are fabulous
  as long as they don't talk buggery"
  obsession. Hands up Mr. Gay UK, Queer Eye
  for the Straight Guy, and Sky's How Gay
  Are You. This blog is gunning for you.
http://rubbishgays.blogspot.com/


  >> Url tricks <<
  From Bob Monkhouse's Book of Web Gags, the
  very oldest yet still surprisingly effective joke
  is to re-direct a offensive domain name to
  something better known. Hmmm. Maybe we should
  buy odious-twats.co.uk and point it at the
  official royal site.
http://www.talkingshite.com/

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: FRIDAY GAME
  Ladybird puzzle

  Remember those slide puzzles where you had to
  move the pieces to form a recognisable
  picture?

  This is an unusual update. It adds the magical
  element of a ladybird on a train track. You
  have to slide the pieces about to create a
  path which will guide your character through
  every square on the board.

  Tricky stuff. You'll probably go blind.
http://mrl.nyu.edu/~perlin/experiments/ladybug/


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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
  When tigers and puppies make friends

  An unexpected sub-genre is emerging in our
  international quest to find the cutest things
  in the world.

  Unusual animal friends. A few months back we
  gave you badgers and foxes, this week it's
  a tiger cub and a puppy.

  This has a little pathos too. For the viewer
  knows it's a doomed relationship: the tiger is
  clearly going to eat his friend when he
  grows up.
http://snipurl.com/6q8b


  BTW: What's the cutest thing you've seen on
  the web recently? Tell us at http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Farmer Challenge

  Each week we run a competition to test your
  creative skills. We set a challenge and you
  open Photoshop and mess with our heads.

  Last week we wanted your photoshopped opinion
  on farmers.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/farmers/

  We asked b3ta boarder M3Essential to judge the
  entries - here are his 3 faves.

 M3Essential writes -

  #1 "I Don't Like Your Pathetic Competition -
  Wonderful timing culminates with the perfect
  facial expression. Splendid! (Zak Mc.Flimby)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/3226263

  #2 "Free NHS eye tests for all farmers - A
  competition to mock farmers, well
  this about sums it up. (Darryn.R)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/3227351

  #3 "Here Comes The Farmer - Funtastic animation
  and a file size everyone can agree on.
  huzzah! (Calihal)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/3251027


  >> This Week's Challenge <<

  This week, the Challenge Dictator gave us
  the suggestion, "Monuments that should exist."
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/monuments/


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * BADGER BADGER TATTOO - we all know and love
    Jonti's Badger animation. But who would want
    it tattooed on their leg? This is going to
    to take some explaining to the grandkids.
http://www.faceparty.com/public/796/images/dead_heroes_6427297.jpg


  * JAPANESE PORN GAMESHOW - last week we linked
    to a clip which we understood to be taken
    from a game show. Sadly it appears to be part
    of a porn DVD. Oh well. Still - we think
    it would make a great game show...
http://www.jlist.com/PRODUCT/12622539


  * DROPPING PENNIES DOESN'T KILL - we recently
    asked you to create a game based on dropping
    money from the Eiffel Tower on the French.
    None of you bothered - but you several of
    you wrote in to point out that it's not
    actually lethal. Apparently dropping a
    metal pen would be more effective.
http://www.jaypinkerton.com/myths/myths3.html


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

    * ARTSY NAZI - a paint package that even Hitler
      could use. Think about the details: swastika,
      pink triangle and moustache paint brushes,
      gothic fonts, a Dr Mengele clone tool,
      Alsatian clip art. Oh, and a lovely
      David Hasselhoff soundtrack.

    * LET'S PLAY VET - an interactive guide for
      kids on advanced veterinary techniques.
      Maybe a theme song, "Let's play vet, let's
      play vet, learn the skills of cutting up
      pets."

    * ADVANCED GOD SIMULATOR - err this might
      be a bit dull, due to His non-interference
      with man's destiny shtick. But you get to
      pretend to speak from bushes and
      occasionally send down the Lamb of God
      to fuck a virgin. Huzzah.

  Send contributions to http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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  THANKS:

  This issue was edited by Rob Manuel with
  David Stevenson.
  Links sent in by Ben Wheatley, K2k6,
  James JG Kosmatka, Alistair Edwardes,
  Grrbabs & Grey Triggerfish.
  Top Tippery by Glenys Kinnock.
  Additional linkage by Fraser Lewry.
  Board research by Fnord. Hooray for Fnord.
  Image challenge handled by Mike Trinder.
  Proofing by the armed b4ta militia. (75263)

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  TOP TIP:
  Wash the grit out of your leeks by topping
  and tailing the veg, then cutting a two inch
  deep cross into the top making a leafy paint
  brush effect. Run the head under the tap
  rubbing the flayed stalk with your fingers.
  No more grit. Oh, and leeks are very nice
  with a cheesy pasta.

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