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NEWSLETTER: ISSUE 128: "INVENTING NEW SPORTS"

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This Week:
* ANIM - Monkey vs. Skateboard
* SPORT - Crap new extreme sport
* B3TA RADIO - Joel Veitch sings live

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___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       web... together"

B3ta email 128 - 26 Mar 2004

Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue128/

       Subscribe:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Aliens, Monkeys, Zombies, eBay, Sport & Blobs

  >> Monkey danger <<
  "I've been a bit worried recently,"
  taps Dr. A, "Y'know, about skateboard safety
  and that.  Rather than hide in a cupboard and
  cry, I thought I'd put together a jolly
  cartoon show to warn the kids." Fucking hell.
  This caught us by surprise. It's cocking great.
http://homepage.ntlworld.com/ashen1/ashen/cartoon/monkey.html


  >> Alien zoo <<
  "Here's a little music/animation thing my
  friends and I are doing," writes Bobby Z,"
  We're building up to a full-length release
  in May." Huzzah. This has a neat visual style
  based on dithering photographic images down
  to two colours, oh and a chunky pub rock
  production that brings to mind the work
  of b3ta contributor Mystery Bob. Great stuff.
http://www.alien-zoo.com/alienzoo.html


  >> Zombie kitten game <<
  "What do you do when you're an innocent young
  pink kitten," purrs Matazone, "that's travelling
  across a graveyard as dusk falls and then you get
  attacked by zombies? You pull out a dog-firing
  mortar cannon of course."
http://www.matazone.co.uk/night_of_the_zombie_kitties.html

 
  >> Mad eBay transcript <<
  "I've met this guy called Ralph", writes Kimbal,
  "Do you think he deserves a bit of fame?" Oh yes.
  He's obviously a complete nutter. Thank God
  we're too lazy to ever auction our unwanted
  crap on eBay - it's clearly full of freaks.
http://www.mypole.co.uk/ralph.htm


  >> Look mum - I can fly <<
  "After a bet with a friend," confides Thomas
  Scott, "I seem to have invented a new extreme
  sport. Unfortunately, my first attempt at it
  left me in the middle of some prickle bushes
  with a twisted ankle." Haha. We laughed so
  hard at this we made sex wee. Oh and he's
  wearing a b3ta shirt too. Woo hoo.
http://www.thomasscott.net/bodysailing/

 
 >> Period table <<
  Muffrat got in touch and says, "After your
  request in the previous newsletter for menstrual
  euphemisms based around the periodic table, I
  couldn't resist. Some of them are pretty desperate
  (54-Xe was a particular cunt, as was anything
  with the letter a, of which there were many),
  but some are quite good.  My personal favourites
  are 9, 34, 42, 51 and 87."
http://www2.b3ta.com/periodic/periodtable.gif


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: B3TA RADIO
  Joel & Alex Veitch sing

  This week we've invited Joel & Alex into
  to the studio to sing. They'll be playing
  classics such as "Giant Bee" and "We Like
  Tha Moon." 

  We were round his house yesterday and were
  rather amused to see that all his odd
  characters are actually his flatmates - check
  out these snaps we took with our phone:
http://b3ta.com/features/joelsflat/

  It will be fun this week, so tune in with
  your handsome hosts and writers of this
  very newsletter Rob Manuel and David
  Stevenson.

  You can learn more about b3tarRadio and how
  to tune in here:
http://b3ta.com/features/b3taradio/


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: B3TA SHIRTS
  For sale. 

  It's coming up to Easter. We think giving
  chocolate eggs to celebrate the death of
  Christ is passé.

  The cool kids are giving each other b3ta
  T-shirts. Better than chocolate. Trust us.
http://www.b3ta.com/shop/


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: SITES IN BRIEF 
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.

  >> Magic 8-Ball dissection <<
  Making decisions is hard. Thank God someone
  invented the 8-Ball to take the work out of
  it. But have you ever wondered what's really
  inside? Tiny mind-control pixies? Small
  kittens of ambivalence? Find out here.
http://8ball.ofb.net/procedure.html


  >> Downloading movies <<
  Pissing heck. Classic 60s horror movie
  Night of the Living Dead has been released
  to the public domain and you can download
  it on the web. The more creative of you
  might want to cut it up and make your own
  skits and movies. The rest of you? Well you
  could just watch it. Warning: big fucking
  file that'll take you all night to grab.
http://www.archive.org/movies/collection.php?collection=feature_films


  >> Skidmark security <<
  Tips for burglars: You've broken into a house.
  You're looking for jewellery. You find some
  nasty shitty keks. That's where the valuables
  are. 
http://www.shomertec.com/item.cfm?Action=newItems&variable=1164


  >> Pop stars and their Spectrums  <<
  A quirk of history is that some 7" records in
  the 80s came with computer software on the b-side.
  The Shaking Stevens racing game made us shit tears.
http://www.kempa.com/blog/archives/000053.html


  >> Train set in a briefcase <<
  Busy executive? All grown up and still want to
  play trains? Then take this to work. No one
  will be able to spot that you're a complete dork.
  Unless your beard gives it away.
http://www.gaugemaster.co.uk/noch.html


  >> Goth boy <<
  Thank fuck there was no web when we were
  teenagers - otherwise we too would have been
  sticking up photos of our goth selves to be
  laughed at by the whole world.
http://mavra.perilith.com/~aard/mirror/mutilator1488/1189.html


  >> Cover your office in Post-Its <<
  Bored this afternoon? Why not festoon your office
  in Post-It notes? And then email 3M and impress
  the company so much that they send you more.
  It's all actually rather pretty. Maybe you'll want to
  try using a different stationary product. Paint
  all the PCs with Tip-ex, fill the sprinklers with
  toner or something.
http://www.interactivetools.com/staff/dave/damons_office/


  >> Shopping channel video <<
  Satellite TV can be cheap and nasty. Having barely
  enough budget to get stuff on means there's
  no room for error. Like when you cut yourself with
  a huge samurai sword.
http://snipurl.com/5bxc


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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
  Squirrels

  Lovely set of a pics of a chappy feeding
  a squirrel through his window. Finishes with
  the money shot of Cat vs Squirrel. Charming
  stuff.

http://www.funpic.hu/ot2/ot8770.jpg

  BTW: What's the cutest thing you've seen on
  the web recently? Tell us at http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Whoah! Challenge

  Each week we run a competition to test your
  creative skills. We set a challenge and you
  open Photoshop and mess with our heads.

  Last week we wanted shocking things that had
  appeared overnight to freak us out:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/whoah/

  We asked b3ta boarder 'Jim, Keeper of the
  Strawberry Dragon' to judge the entries - here
  are his 3 faves.

  Jim writes -

  #1 "George was in for a shock when he woke up...
     - yay for Corporate America! Tomorrow morning
     it'll be a Subway. Funny because it's true.
     (mikeCUK28)
http://b3ta.com/board/2920166

  #2 "God's Hangover - and on the 7th day, he got
     pissed out of his skull. Top-class use of
     God-sponging. (Fat Boab)
http://b3ta.com/board/2927410

  #3 "Crap tales from medieval punland - strictly.
     it's not what the compo was after, but extreme
     punnage meets yellow pixel men and lots of
     pixel blood?? It had to go in..." (Robin Johnson)
http://b3ta.com/board/2926032


  >> This Week's Challenge <<

  This week, Rob decided that in the wake of the
  success of 'SPepper' we should come up with more
  co-joined product innovations:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/gloots/


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * XYLOPHONE BUGGERY - long-term b3ta readers
    with remember Buffy's Swearing Keyboard, which
    is still making news 3 years later. Latest
    is finding the X key graffitied onto an abandoned
    shopping centre. Huzzah. If you spot any more
    b3ta graffiti then get in touch.
http://www.garfnet.org.uk/pictures/index.htm?20030629.htm


  * BIG RIG GAME PARODY - last week we linked to
    a crap flash game that amused us mainly for
    being so easy and going "You're Winner!" for doing
    sod all. Turns out it's an entirely accurate
    spoof of a real game foisted onto an unsuspecting
    public last year. This review made us laugh.
http://www.gamespot.com/pc/driving/bigrigsotrr/review.html


  * SWEARING C4 THINGY - "Further to the Channel 4 sweary
    celebs link in #126," writes Joe McNally, "
    I appeared on Richard & Judy several years ago
    and was privileged to hear Richard describe some
    telly award they'd won the night before as
    'looking like a pig's cock'."


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * FLASH-BASED SELF HYPNOSIS REGRESSION
    APPLICATION - regress back to being Joan
    of Arc from the comfort of your browser.

  * SECRET LANGUAGE INSULTS - how to tell deaf
    people to fuck off in sign language and
    semaphore to insult sailors. Might work
    best as an article-based bit of research.

  * HAY-FEVER SIMULATOR - big close-up of a face.
    Catch the sneezes with your hanky mouse.
    Avoid the pollen. Don't roll in the grass etc.

  Send contributions to http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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  THANKS: 

  This issue was edited by Rob Manuel with
  David Stevenson.
  Links sent in by James Barnard, Hollowaymartin,
  Whizzbang, Sarah Toner, Rob H, Dancentury,
  Loz, and the 40 people who sent links about
  the Big Rig game.
  Top Tippery by Clydefrog
  Additional linkage by Fraser Lewry.
  Board research by Fnord.
  Image challenge handled by Mike Trinder.
  Proofing by the woo b4ta yays. (72612)

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  TOP TIP:
  If you have any jewellery (silver is best) that
  needs a good clean, wait until you go out
  for a curry (or other establishment) that serves
  those lemony hot towel things after your grub.
  Use these towels to buff your adornments -
  they'll come up super-shiny!

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