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NEWSLETTER: ISSUE 100: "MAGGIE THATCHER ON A TOBOGGAN"

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This Week:
* FEATURE - MPs on wheels
* TOYS - XML Kittens, Palm Pilot, Newsletter
* ANIM - Sausages

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       web ... together"

B3ta email 100 - 15 Aug 2003

Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue100/

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          Unsub: b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

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: DEAR MR KINNOCK
  Have you ever been on skateboard?

  Monkeymanblue writes -

  "I found a fantastic picture of Enoch Powell MP
  on a pogo stick, and so decided to write to a
  load of MPs and Peers, to see whether any of
  them had ever been on other forms of
  children's locomotive toys (ie Skateboards,
  Roller skates, Space Hoppers etc etc.)

  "Much to my amazement over 80 of them
  responded, including three Prime Ministers,
  five Chancellors, six Foreign Secretaries,
  four Home Secretaries, and three Speakers of
  the House of Commons."

  Wow. We love this. It's worth checking
  out just for the picture of Maggie Thatcher
  on a toboggan. And there's more good stuff.
http://www.statesmanorskatesman.co.uk/


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: B3TA BASH ANNOUNCEMENT
  Halloween fun

  Our parties are world-renowned for their super
  woo aceness and we're having another one.

  We're having a raffle to raise cash for the
  server fund. We need prizes. If you've got stuff
  that you don't want - DVDs, TVs, not toenail
  clippings - then please get in touch via the
  normal email address. Ta very much.

  Here's the flyer.
http://www.b3ta.com/board/1779508


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: XML CHALLENGE WINNERS
  You're all winners - well, some of you

  A couple of weeks ago we challenged you to
  come up with some codey projects based upon
  our spanking new XML feed.

  Don't run away. The challenge was nerdy but
  the results are for everyone.

  #1 Kitten screensaver
     Chicago Dave has updated his screensaver
     with kitteny goodness, although these only
     appear the second time you run it. Dave
     also promises some nice surprises at an
     unspecified future date. Yay!
http://www.limpfish.com/b3ta/screensaver/


  #2 Read b3ta on a Palm Pilot
     Michael Randall of Pigpog has squished the
     b3ta website, using Avantgo. Now you
     can download and read it on your personal
     organiser. And waste even more time.
http://pigpog.com/pocket/b3ta.php


  #3 Newsletter generator
     Fed up with waiting for our newsletter
     each week? Ease your pain with this
     automatic newsletter writer. We've
     completely switched over to using it.
     Now we've got loads of free time for
     wanking. Thanks again Michael Randall.
http://pigpog.com/features/b3ta-gen/


  * Special mention should go to JBoom for
    his frankly bizarre reinterpretation
    of our message board as a hill of clouds
    and farmyard animals.
http://www.jboom.com/b3ta/b3ta_farmyard.shtml


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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Meat, Pong, Wogan, Laundry, Mugging,
  Hairstyles, Weebl

  >> Meaty ad <<
  Britain eats on average 50 sausages a year.
  Very long sausages. Bovine does not think that
  is nearly enough. "Eat more sausages," is his
  poignant cry and the message of his sexually
  charged Flash animation.
http://www.crapjuggler.co.uk/flash/sausages.html


  >> 4-way pong action <<
  This is clever - Yomgaille has come up with
  a four player version of vintage arcade game
  Pong. If you're supple you can play all four
  paddles using every limb. That still leaves
  your mouth free. Think about it.
http://www.yomgaille.com/pong/


  >> When Wogan sings... <<
  International readers may not be familiar with
  light entertainment legend Terry Wogan, famous
  for his avuncular style, dodgy wig and vaguely
  sarcastic Eurovision commentary. But he is
  haunted by his Seventies novelty singing career.
  Vulga may forgive but he will never forget.
  Students: feast your ears.
http://www.snurl.com/floraldance


  >> Laundry care labels - for men <<
  Men: Have you ever wondered how to wash your
  clothes? Sean Ellis has some handy pointers.
  But that's just the shape of his hands. Click.
  Or forever remain unclean clickers.
http://homepage.ntlworld.com/seanellis/b3ta/LaundryGuide.htm


  >> Flash mugging <<
  You can't have missed it - for the last
  couple of weeks the papers have been going
  mad for flashmobs - spontaneous, nonsensical
  happenings arranged over email. As soon as
  there is a trend on the web, there is a
  parody biting at its heels. Nik Roope is
  this week's angry, mocking dog.
http://www.technicola.com/flashmugging/


  >> David Beckham's whose hair? <<
  "I saw David Beckham's bouffant on the front
  page of The Sun," writes light entertainment
  legend lazystuff, "I thought, 'at last something
  interesting about David Beckham.'" Thank Christ
  someone's found something. Anyway, can you guess
  the celebrity whose barnet Beckham is sporting?
http://www.lazystuff.com/features/beckham


  >> Look! New Weebl! <<
  Weebl divides our readers. Some of you like
  Weebl, some of you like Bob. This episode
  features neither.
http://www.weebl.jolt.co.uk/quest.htm


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.

  >> Sexy lady, wooly lamb <<
  We're men of the world. We've seen a lot of
  lady-animal hybrids. But this, this really took
  our fancy. Get ready to meet your new desktop
  wallpaper.
http://www.xs4all.nl/~pwitteve/spring2.jpg


  >> Suck your hair short <<
  Getting a haircut is the second most traumatic
  experience after losing a spouse. Spare yourself
  the pain by sticking this vacuum-cum-clipper
  device on your head. We'd love you to try out
  one of these and send us the photos.
http://www.flowbee.com/


  >> Boss-eyed porn <<
  God knows, we don't like to laugh at the
  afflicted. Well, okay, we do. But who on
  Earth booked this girl for a porn shoot?
http://www.good-porn-guide.com/site/g/013/jasmin116.html


  >> Interview Hitler <<
  Hooray! Now you can chat with history's
  greatest monster. On your PC! His lips move
  and everything. We asked him if he was gay
  and he seemed to get quite annoyed.
http://www.activehistory.co.uk/head2head/hitler/activity.htm


  >> GI Joe remix <<
  There should be more of this. Recutting rubbish
  80s cartoons with your own dialogue. This makes
  absolutely no sense, but it rocks like a bastard.
http://www.heavengallery.com/fenslerfilms/GiJoecarnivalFensler.mov


  >> Desperate web saddo <<
  Police: Want to find someone to lock up? Why
  not try the internet? It's full of desperate,
  lonely pervs who will do anything for the
  faintest promise of sex. At least, if this is
  anything to go by.
http://www.captain-obvious.com/forums/showthread.php?threadid=486


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE RESULTS
  Bumper size fun week

  Each week we run a competition to test your
  creative skills. We set a challenge and you
  open Photoshop and mess with our heads. Last
  week there was no newsletter, so this is a
  double dose of winner announcements.


  >> I: Special Offers Challenge <<

  The week before last we wanted regrettable
  special offers:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/specialoffers/

  We asked b3ta boarder 'Solly' to judge the
  entries - here are his 3 faves.

  Solly writes -

  #1 "Birthday Treat - a terrorist called Timmy,
     a beautiful air stewardess... a classic
     combination. I'll never fly again.
     (angel of the forever sleep)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/1710983

  #2 "George Best hypnosis tapes - I listened...
      and needed a drink. worked a treat. Now
      I need another. hmmmmm. beer. (matsimpsk)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/1706151

  #3 "Parkinsons - we all worry about dying from
     a slow debilitating disease, but this made
     me shake with laughter!" (aubergene)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/1720500


  >> II: Irons for Men Challenge <<

  Last week we wanted products with
  cross-gender appeal:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/ironsformen/

  We asked b3ta boarder 'Jiva' to judge the
  entries - here are her 3 top choices.

  Jiva writes -

  #1 "Yo ho ho and a bottle of moisturiser -
     Beautifully shopped, a great pun and pirates
     to boot. What more do you need to put a smile
     on your face? (Rainbow_girl)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/1769168

  #2 "Nag-isil - I swear all men need to keep some
     of this on them. One quick massage of this cream
     to the lady friend of your choice and they would
     be putty in your hands. (r!ddler)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/1751538

  #3 "How to find the clitoris - nice to see that
     the manual does not have it pointed out on the
     cover." (sick boy)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/1780660

  Ooh and special mention to Slim and his "ladies'
  parking." Slim is an annoying arse because he is far,
  far, too good at this, but I do love his pictures;
  always quality and always funny.
http://www.b3ta.com/board/1781181


  >> This Week's Challenge <<

  This week, B3ta contributor Zak McFlimby gave us
  the suggestion, "Double Take"
http://b3ta.com/challenge/doubletake/


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
 Follow-ups on previous stories.

 * THE MARRIAGE IS REAL - a couple of weeks ago we
   featured an elaborate website advertising a
   forthcoming wedding. Scott, the groom, has got
   in touch: "It is true. We really got married
   this Saturday!" Congratulations - and we hope we
   never have to cover thedivorce.co.uk


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

 * EAT A MONKEY - and wear its skin. We
   want pictures/gloves.

 * MORE FUNNY PORN - we're jaded. Very jaded.

 * KKK contacts - Mmmm, clean sheets.

  Send contributions to http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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  THANKS:
 
  This issue was edited by Rob Manuel with
  David Stevenson.
  Links sent in by Ed, Swede, Si and
  Elliott Solomon
  Additional linkage by Fraser Lewry.
  Board research by Fnord.
  Image challenge handled by Mike Trinder.
  Proofing by the jolly b4ta tars. (69616)

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